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| It pays to remember...
Posted: 12/2/2005 9:11:40 AM | 8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
LOL oh gawd. | |
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| Pull a fit.
Posted: 12/2/2005 9:56:47 PM | A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty
young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time
honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit
next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like
a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl.
I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of
me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you
were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I
go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break
furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied. | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/2/2005 9:57:22 PM | DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution
IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing. | |
|
| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 3:59:09 AM | | Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a biker came and sat next to them.About a minute later one of the old ladies turned to her friend and said,"The man sitting next to me is masturbating!". "Ignore him",her friend replied. "I cant" said the other,"hes using my hand!". | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 6:52:50 AM | A priest, a rabbi and a donkey walk into a bar.
Bartender says "IS THIS A JOKE?" | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 2:39:52 PM | A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 6:25:37 PM | A business man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1.) it had never been occupied;
(2.) that there was plenty of heat;
(3.) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home......
Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 8:27:24 PM | An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the
night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman
doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A
younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the
older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why
nature intended young guys to go out with older women and
young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day
without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam
jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is
almost always already attached to someone, so there's no
need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last
thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny,
dependent lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you
that you are an ***hole if you're acting like one. A young
woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break
up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then
suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if
you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last
to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't
help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's
using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger
woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial
Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her
girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when
she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having
an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of
lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the
years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus
practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a
screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a
public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that
sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A
younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best
years of her youth because chances are someone else has
stolen them first.
 for older women  | |
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| Drunkie
Posted: 12/3/2005 8:32:41 PM | A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact
same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember
this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said
to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh
Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and
screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly
what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm
in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to
say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and
replies, "Mission Accomplished." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/3/2005 9:03:47 PM | A travelling salesman is cruising down an old dirt road in the middle of nowhere, when his car breaks down. Night-time is falling and it's a looong 5 mile walk to the nearest farm-house.
When he gets there, the farmer looks the man up and down and says "You're more than welcome to stay here, sir, as long as you don't touch my virgin son."
The salesman replies "Wait, wait, WAIT...I think I'm in the wrong joke here!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 3:03:10 AM | This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 8:28:04 AM | Old man goes to the doctor....
Man:
Hi Doc. I need some advice. The wife and I have a very loving relationship, but after 20 years I'd like to try and spice up our sex life a wee bit.
Doc:
How adventurous are you when it comes to different positions?
Man:
Oh! We've only ever done it the same way... you know - the missionary way?
Doc:
Hmmm... I see. Well, why don't you try to vary this? For instance, what about your wife on top or even doggy.
Man:
Do you think that'll work Doc?
Doc:
One can only assume that it may add that little spice you're seeking.
Man heads home to wife and explains why he's been at the Doctors.
Man:
Well Dear, the Doc suggested we try it doggy style. What do you think? It could be just what we need to get us all frisky after all these years?
Wife:
That sounds interesting Darling, but there'll have to be a couple of conditions.
Man:
Of course Dear. Anything, just let me know.
Wife:
Well.... the first one is - if I don't like it we'll stop.
Man:
Certainly cup-cake. You know I'd respect that wish.
Wife:
OK and the second one is ...............
............. YOU TAKE ME TO A STREET WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME !!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 8:36:35 AM | Inflatable kid takes a pin to his inflatable school.
Later that day, his inflatable teacher calls him into the inflatable classroom and says....
'Johnny! You've let me down, you've let the schooll down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:02:29 AM | | An 80 year old man goes to the doctor and gets a perscription for Viagra. When he takes the perscription to the pharmacy, the old man asks the pharmacist to cut the pills into quarters. The pharmacist tells the old man, this could have an effect on your erection. The old man replies, oh no, that's not what they are for, I just want to stop pissing on my shoes. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 10:29:17 AM | | A man, who is in no shape to drive, wisely leaves his car in the bars parking lot. As the man is walking unsteadily down the road, a police man asks him, "it's two AM, where are you going mr." The man replies, well, I'm going to a lecture sir. The policeman, in disbelief, asks "who is giving a lecture at this time in the morning". the man replies " MY WIFE" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/4/2005 12:20:51 PM | Jokes have been very good for me, if you are shy it's a great way to break the ice, I used to carry a paper in my wallet that had about 50 5 word reminders of jokes, I could remember I just heard a great new joke but couldn't tell it, if you write down 5 important words, that's normally enough. Pretty soon you've told them enough you always have a joke.
Here's an old standard of mine. sort of paraphrased to save typing time, embellish at telling time.
Brewster the Rooster
Brewster is the old rooster on the farm, the farmer has been buying new roosters to replace him since Brewster is getting old. Brewster is talking to the latest replacement in the pasture. Brewster says " I can't figure out why the farmer got you, I can take care of all the hens here?" New rooster " Brewster your so old, you'd be lucky if you could take care of two of these hens before you dropped over dead from exhaustion!" Brewster replies " I may be old but I've still got what it takes, In fact I'll challenge you to race around the barn just to show you."
New Rooster replies, "No problem, let's do it." Brewster "Well, You have to admit I am a little older, give me a head start, don't start till I get around the first corner." " No problem" the new rooster replies. So Brewster takes off running, after rounding the first corner the new rooster takes off. By the time they are getting close to the 2nd corner the new rooster is catching up. Brewster starts crowing, cackling, screaming, all kinds of noises you've never heard a rooster make. Nearing the 3rd corner that new rooster is right on Brewster's tail, Brewster still screaming, cackling, and crowing for all he's worth, and running harder then he's ever run. Around that 3rd corner and "BAM," the new rooster falls over dead.
The farmer up on the porch with his gun says " Damn, That's the fifth gay rooster I've bought this month!"
The 5 word reminder for this joke could be "Brewster Rooster Race Gun Gay", that should be enough for you to reconstruct it. Basically all it takes is a keyword if I'm at a party and somebody says tell a joke, my mind is blank, but if they say tell a joke about a bear I've got 5 jokes in mind. Normally hearing a joke reminds me of another one and I can go on all night swapping jokes. You can be the life of the party that way. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 6:12:24 AM | THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 9:49:54 AM | Hello Sailor
After being under the Arctic Circle for 3 months, a sailor gets a 24 hour pass when they reach port. The first place he visits is a bar where he proceeds to get hammered and passes out.
When he wakes up, he realizes he has one hour to make it back to the sub. Desperate for a piece of **** he asks the bartender where the closest whore house is. The bartender says its only two doors down but there's a long wait, being the only place in town.
The sailor in desperation calls for the madam and begs for special consideration. Since he is still drunk, she asks him to wait and she would see if Tina was awake.
The madam inflates a sex doll and comes down the stairs and tells the sailor that Tina is awake, but is very tired and won't talk or move; but its there if he wants it. The sailor agrees and runs upstairs, undressing as he goes.
A few seconds later a loud scream is heard all over the house and the sailor comes running down the stairs, yelling, "call 911!"
The madam asks about what happened, the sailor replies, “I walked into the room she looked so good I bent over and bit her nipple. The next thing I knew she farted and jumped out the window! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 10:36:08 AM | Art Linkletter kid's answers:
----- HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE
THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 12:55:12 PM | | A man and his wife are sound asleep when they hear a knock on the door. The man looks at the clock, and realizes it is 3:30 AM, and dimisses it as a dream. Just then, there is another knock, this time louder. The man gets up out of bed and walks to the door. He opens the door, and A young man asks "Mr. can you give us a push"? The man responds, "are you out of your freaking mind, it's 3:30 in the morning" and he slams the door shut. When the man returns to bed, his wife asks him who was at the door. The man tells her the story, to which she replies, "You should have helped them. Don't you remember that time when we were picking up the kids and our car broke down". The man thinks for a second and jumps out of bed. He races to the door and yells "hey kid, do you still need a push"? The young man answers "yes, we could use the help". The man now rubbing his eyes asks, "where are you"? The young man replies "over here, on the swings". | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 7:01:06 PM | | No joke. That one was just too good not to remark on. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 8:09:56 PM | An American went to live in the Shetland Islands. He bought a little house in the middle of nowhere and for six months he didn't see a living soul.
One night he was sitting all alone in his house while a howling gale was blowing outside when he heard a knock at the door.
He opened the door and on his doorstep stood a six foot six inch Shetlander in a cap and wool sweater with a big, black, bushy beard.
"I come to welcome thee to the Shetlands."
"Well, h-hi!" The American stammered, "Nice t'see ya."
The Shetlander grinned, displaying a mouthful of yellow-brown teeth. "I come to invite thee to a party." He said, "there's gonna be drinkin'-"
"Fine, fine, I can hold my own with the best of 'em for drinking."
"And there'll be dancin'!"
"Well, in college I was considered very light on my feet."
"Aye, there'll be wild, hairy-arsed Shetland dancin'! And a fight! There's always a fight!"
"Well, when I was in the Army I was our unit boxing champion-"
"And there's gonna be sex! Wild Shetland sex!"
The American couldn't believe his luck. "Well, I've been here six months and ain't seen a soul, a little of that wouldn't be out of the question!"
"Let's be off, then!"
"Wait a second, what should I wear?"
"Oh, come as ye are, it's just goin' to be you and me!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/5/2005 8:44:50 PM | Parents of teens. Are you stressed out over the hormonal mood swings? Tired of piles of stinky socks on the living room floor? Annoyed with the continual ring of the
phone that is never for you? Irritated by bored, monosyllabic responses
to your attempts at conversation? Just generally fed up with the giant
slouching creature your cute little toddler has evolved into?
Now you can get back at your teenager in small subtle ways that will
take them a while to figure out. Here are five things to try:
1. Hum "It's a Small World After All" in the morning before she goes
to school. It will stick in her head all day. This is good while driving
in the car, too.
2. Learn a few teen slang words and use them in your everyday
conversation with your teen. Warning: slang varies from school to school
so you will have to pay attention to your teen's own jargon for this to
work, otherwise you will look like a scrub (an idiot).
Examples (circa 1996, Willard Jr. High):
"Wuss Up'?"
"Oh - you made a D on your history quiz? Tha's toe up."
"He didn't call you back? Tha's cold."
"New shirt? Tha's tight."
3. Talk baby talk to them in front of their friends. For instance,
just as he's leaving to walk to school with his friends, rush out the
door with a baggie of cookies and yell "Wait sugar-pie! You forgot your
grammy bears! Mommy doesn't want her baby to forget his grammy bears!"
4. Rekindle your interest in listening to music. Try playing music
that your teen may not have experienced before. Country and bluegrass
are good for teen fans of rap and hip hop, especially if you know the
words and sing along. Crank up the volume and really enjoy yourself. Say
"Wait! Just one more song!" when they complain.
5. Corollary to #4: Ask them to play some of their music for you.
Turn it up loud, open all curtains and shades that provide the general
public with a view, and then start dancing! All those favorite dances
from the 60s and 70s will come back to you and it's great exercise.
Invite your teen to dance with you! This works really well if other
teens just happen to be walking by while you're showing off your steps.
[Note: this is even more effective if you, like me, never really learned
how to dance. The point *is* to look like a dork.]
Try these at home, folks, they really work. Remember to say afterwards
in your sweetest parental voice, "I'm sorry, honey, does that bother
you?" That really gets 'em.
-------------------------------
My kids are going to grow up to hate me.  | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2005 2:28:44 AM | In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/6/2005 6:51:36 AM | | A police officer pulls over a car doing 80. The officer walks up to the car and asks, why were you speeding. The man driving the car says, I am a juggling magician and I don't want to be late for my show. The officer, fascinated by juggling, tells the man, if you juggle for me I won't write you a ticket. The man replies, I have sent all my supplies ahead and they are already there. The officer, thinks for a minute, comes up with three flares, lights them and asks the man to juggle them. As the man is juggling the flares, a drunk pulls up, stumbles over to the car and watches momentarily. The drunk then stumbles to the police car and gets into the back seat of the car. The officer, now annoyed, asks the drunk what do you think you're doing. The drunk responds, take me in now, there is no way in hell I'm going to pass that test. | |
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