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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/3/2008 5:36:40 AM | It's Tough Getting Old
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'
The wife yells back to him, 'GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/3/2008 5:39:42 AM | Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:00:36 PM | Dr. Boudreaux
A doctor in Louisiana wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his
assistant, "Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to
close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our
patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Boudreaux,
how was your day?"
Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says
Boudreaux.
"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters
like .a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: "HELP ME! For five years
I have not seen a man!!"
And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/3/2008 5:47:22 PM | A man wakes up from a coma in hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses
“what happened? Where’s my wife?” asks the man, naturally worried
“You were in a car accident involving a lorry, your wife wasn’t in the car and don’t worry you’re in good hands. This is the newest hospital in Europe filled with only the best doctors and surgical staff in Britain” - Replies the doctor
“The car more or less disintegrated on impact and your leg was severed in the crash. But, as I said, this is the best hospital in Europe, so we’ve managed to reattach it and it should be fine in a few weeks.”
“wow thanks…but my chest feels a bit funny…”
“ahhh yes, several of your ribs were broken on impact, but as I said, this is the best hospital in Europe, so we’ve put a metal plate in your chest and you shouldn’t even notice the difference in two weeks.”
“oh that’s great…but…OH MY GOD…my PENIS!!! Its gone!!!!”
“ahhh. That was also severed in the crash but, there’s a problem there. You see, this is the best hospital in Europe, so we can fix it good as new. But, it’s not covered by the NHS…”
Naturally the man had mixed emotions
“the price basically works out at £1,000 per inch. But, this operation has led to all sorts of problems and we seriously advise you to consult your wife before you make a decision. You see, it will seriously affect your sex life. in the past some men have tried get away with paying £4,000 and its been too small for there wives while in other cases men have gone overboard and spent upwards of £12,000 and its caused some serious injury… not to mention break ups and divorces in both cases. Listen, you can go home today, come back for a check up in 2 weeks and let us know your decision then”
Two weeks later when he arrives for his check up his leg and his chest have made a 100% recovery. The doctor asks him if he and his wife had made a decision about his penis.
“Yeah, we talked about it…and the wife wants to go for a new kitchen instead”
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:38:51 PM | Golf Club Sign
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:42:36 PM | Golf Lessons
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately responds,
'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:45:33 PM | GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK?
Well, you're going to love this!
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:43:52 AM | Lawyer In Hell
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
"I'll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:48:07 AM | Bad Investment
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.
The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.
When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:49:58 AM | Contract With The Devil
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:51:23 AM | Choices, Choices
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a **stard in the family than a lawyer." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:00:32 AM | A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.
When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.
When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.
When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:02:05 AM | I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:03:49 AM | Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:04:30 AM | Donations
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.
She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.
The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:05:18 AM | Dumb Blonde Crooks
Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:05:59 AM | Filing System
Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:06:49 AM | Emergency Kit
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:07:45 AM | Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:08:13 AM | Eyes Light Up
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:09:10 AM | How to Hug
Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia? | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:10:54 AM | Is This Jimmy Hoffa
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:12:49 AM | Jealous Revenge
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:13:36 AM | Keys Locked In
Q: Did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car?
A: Took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:15:03 AM | Lesbian
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?" | |
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