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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:19:21 AM | LOL!!! Most of these are really too funny! Thanks for posting them!  | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:19:42 AM | In Hot Pursuit
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:24:32 AM | Yea I agree with you flessas. And thank you.
Sam
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Last Ditch Effort
Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:25:26 AM | My Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I don't think my Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:42:48 AM | Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:43:59 AM | A Rock Solid Defense
A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:57:55 AM | Your Daughter is Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:59:15 AM | Meeting the Pope
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:59:56 AM | Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:01:46 AM | When I was Young
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:06:09 AM | The Taxi Driver
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:07:47 AM | Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:27:37 AM | And God Created Woman
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:28:33 AM | Oh and BTW
I only find them...I don't write them | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:50:09 AM | Catholic Dictionary
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:02:22 PM | 3 men standing in front of God
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:06:39 PM | Seeing that I am Catholic, I think this is "joke" has some humor and truth in it:
Catholic Dictionary
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:09:07 PM | I love this one:
Revelation 3:20
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:15:41 PM | Yo Mama
Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
Do you know what the difference between yo mamma and the titanic?
The titanic sunk; yo mamma floats.
Yo mamma's so cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!
Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:16:57 PM | Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:25:01 PM | Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
Yo mamma's so old, she owes Jesus $3.
Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.
Yo mamma's so poor, a burgaler broke into her house and left her some money.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket for a night and starved to death.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mama is so cross eyed, she looks out the front door and sees the back yard.
Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.
Yo mama is so poor when I went into her house and stepped on a ciggarette, she said,"Hey, who turned off the heater?"
Yo mama is so poor when I went into her house a****oach tripped me and an ant stole my wallet. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:34:35 PM | Yo Mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo Mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo Mama's so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama is so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican Phone Company!!
Yo mamma is so poor,you stepped on a cigerette in her house and she said,"Who turned off the heat?!"
Yo momma's breath stinks so bad that every time she burps her teeth have to duck!
Yo mamma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper!
Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her face out the window and she got arrested for mooning! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:36:02 PM | Your Mama's So Old...
·her memory is in black & white!
·I told her to act her age, and she died!
·I asked to see her birth certificate, and she handed me a rock!
·the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment!
·she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party!
·she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers!
·she went to an antique auction and three people bid on her!
·she used to baby-sit Yoda! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:44:01 PM | Your Mama's so stupid...
·she studied for a blood test and failed!
·she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
·she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
·at the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign Here' - she put Sagittarius!
·she sold the car for gas money!
·you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen!
·they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade!
·she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum!
·I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, I asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail!
·she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed!
·she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with!
·she put a peephole in a glass door!
·she thought she could get food stamps at the post office!
·she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff!
·I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it!
·she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:48:11 PM | Your Mama's So Ugly...
·I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."!
·people hang her picture in their basements to scare the rats away!
·that she went to an ugly contest and they said "sorry no professionals"!
·just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."!
·when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!
·when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows!
·she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares!
·my dog took one look at her and ran away!
·when she was born, the doctor slapped her and her parents!
·she has to creep up on water to get a drink!
·Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant!
·Medusa is jealous!
·she could scare the moss off a rock!! | |
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