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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:22:14 PM | Playing Fetch
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:24:47 PM | Pyramid Of Jokes
There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. But be warned, every 5 steps someone will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."
So the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.
The red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.
Then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. The guy who was going to tell the joke said "Why did you laugh, I didnt tell the joke yet."
Then the blonde said "I know; I laughed because I just got the first joke!"
Printable Version | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:27:08 PM | Blonde Bar
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times". | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:30:30 PM | Taming The Lion
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:33:09 PM | Swimming
Theres a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all stranded on an island.
The first day they look north for land, and they don't see anything.
The second day they look to the south for land, but don't see anything.
The third day they look east for land, but again, don't see a thing.
Then, finally the fourth day, they see land to the west.
First, the redhead tries to swim across to land, but drown's quarter of the way.
Then, the brunette tries, but only gets half way, then drown's.
Finally the blonde tries. She swims three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:36:56 PM | Final Words
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:38:03 PM | Because I'm Blonde?
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:40:12 PM | Nude Painting
Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.
"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing."
"But what if I double your fee?" he pleaded.
"Nope, sorry. Won't do it."
"How about I give you five times what you normally get?"
"Oh, okay then," said the artist, "but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:44:57 PM | Catching The Blonde
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 pounds on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 lbs. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 lbs.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more pounds."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign
"If I catch you, you're mine." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:46:16 PM | Urgent Message
This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:47:20 PM | Toilet Paper
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.
The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on - the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead says, "What's so funny?"
The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:49:21 AM | Telephone Poles
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end
of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they
had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.
"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.
Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was
the answer.
"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"
"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they
left sticking out of the ground." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:50:00 AM | Volunteers?
Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:51:17 AM | I have to admit, this one is bad...
Golf Lesson
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:51:54 AM | Two Blondes Hunting
There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of the
blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the
woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours went
by and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours went
by and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondes
said someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows
left. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:52:50 AM | At the Corner
She was so blonde she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:59:46 AM | The blonde & the cellphone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited; she loves her phone. He shows
explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day
the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how
do you like your new phone?"
She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, hun?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:02:35 AM | Desert
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert, because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door.
They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says," Why did you bring the food?"
She replies, " Well in case I get hungry, I can eat it. Why did you bring water?"
The redhead replies, " Well in case I get thirsty, I can drink it."
Then they both turn to the blonde and say, " Why did you bring the car door?"
She replies, " Well in case I get hot, I can roll down the window." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:11:20 AM | Opposite of Pro
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?
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The Last Word
A man said to his friend: "At my house I always have the last words".
His friend: "What are the words?"
The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"
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Marriage's Advantage
Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.
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Longings
My wife ran away with my best friend.
To tell you the truth, I really miss him.
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I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late...
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A sign in a psychiatrist's clinic says: "Madness is expensive - We accept Credit Cards". | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:14:18 AM | Rejected Hallmark Cards
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:17:38 AM | Good And Great Friends
A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
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If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
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Set It Free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:17:49 AM | Weddings
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:18:48 AM | Success
At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is..................having friends.
At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money.
At age 70, success is..................having sex.
At age 80, success is..................having friends.
At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:20:57 AM | Rough Landing
Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."
On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."
The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."
All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.
She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"
He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."
She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:21:07 AM | Marriage
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted. | |
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