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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:22:19 AM | Deaf Night Out
Two deaf men were talking about being out late the night before during their coffee break.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 6:36:57 AM | Improvement
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
for me." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:47:16 AM | A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won first prize!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:50:10 AM | Lamaze Class
A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me, please.” | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:51:35 AM | Men Earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:53:50 AM | Room Service
A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man.
"Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy.
"I'm homesick", replies the man. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:58:52 AM | Doctor Advice
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:00:10 AM | Long Marrige
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.
Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, to be honest with you, I've forgotten her name." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:03:06 AM | Riding The Camel
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel to the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
(I know, bad joke.) | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:05:13 AM | It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:06:33 AM | Pain Relief
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".
"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:09:36 AM | Fooling Around
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:13:05 AM | Just Like Mom
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was JUST LIKE MY MOM. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:14:16 AM | Husband Prank
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:17:30 AM | Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:18:10 AM | Peace And Quiet
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day". | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:19:34 AM | Mistakes Of Another
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.” | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:25:04 AM | New York Visit
Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada.
The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM. I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"
"What part of Canada are you from?" asks the driver. "We are from Ontario," replies the old guy.
The old lady says "What did he say?" so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM. I SAID WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."
The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass I ever got was in Ottawa.".
The old lady yells "What did he say?"
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU." The old guy replies. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:32:36 AM | Don't Push The Buttons
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:35:45 AM | Paralyzed Friend
A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"
The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:37:47 AM | 69
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:47:55 AM | Hiding Bag
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "****!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:02:08 AM | Going On Vacation
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:03:48 AM | Crazy First Night
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,
that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all you have left?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:40:58 AM | Anti-Sleep Treatment
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem; my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation. | |
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