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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:45:01 AM | The Counsler
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:17:55 PM | Bath Tub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ? | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:23:49 PM | Honesty Date
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.'' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:25:54 PM | Naked Costume
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:35:03 PM | New Secretary
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:36:33 PM | Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:05:28 PM | Rye Bread
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:48:22 PM | Ounces Of Brain For Sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:49:49 PM | Lawyer Hater
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are ***holes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an ***hole.” | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:54:49 PM | Lawyers Jury
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:03:25 AM | Blondes...lol lol
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:06:34 AM | The Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him
in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a conductor here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't conducted a
symphony in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F-cking Mexican'." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:54:21 AM | Murder Trial
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:34:51 AM | Human Race
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:47:11 AM | Horse Riding
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:47:54 AM | This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:49:29 AM | Etiquette Lesson
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:54:10 AM | One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 1:34:17 PM | Gourmet Reporter
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:23:19 PM | A Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:24:48 PM | Children's Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:32:12 PM | Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:41:21 PM | Closet Secrets
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.
Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.
"But why?" croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:45:17 PM | Funny Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:50:23 PM | Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" | |
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