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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2008 5:03:08 AM | wildnights........how ironic...posted on a dating site!!!!!  got a big laugh from me...... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:29:36 AM | -The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down
to one of two people, Debra or Jack........ It was an
impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one
who used the water cooler the next morning.............Debra
came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.......................
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap." 
A California highway patrolman
pulled alongside a speeding car
on the congested freeway.
Glancing at the car, the officer
was astounded to see that the
beautiful blonde behind the wheel
was knitting!
Conceding that the blonde woman
was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper calmly cranked
down his car window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:11:37 AM | ANNOUNCEMENT
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:14:04 AM | Kids Are Quick...
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O...
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is....
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________________________________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2008 12:42:49 PM | Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed! : 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2008 12:43:29 PM | | 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2008 12:56:23 PM | RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind
legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to
use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors
are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long
as the human’s bare foot.
BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
– just sit and stare.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as
“hampering”. Following are the rules for hampering:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the face and the
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, or at
least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and grab the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery needlepoint
projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim – to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scatter them to the best of your ability. After being removed for
the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the
dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he or she cannot move around. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/6/2008 6:37:57 AM | SOME BABY!
A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.
As soon as she's recovered, the doctor came to speak to her:
"Your baby is in good health, but there's something importrant I need to tell you . . ."
The woman became worried:
"What's the matter with my baby, . . . tell me please, what's wrong?"
"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little . . . different. He's a hermaphrodite."
"Hermaphrodite ??? What is that?"
"Well . . . it means your baby is . . . that he has . . . all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman!"
The woman pales:
Oh my God !!! You mean he has a penis and a brain . . . ?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/6/2008 7:35:02 PM | Lulu & Grandma
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'
She said 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!'
The policeman fainted. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/7/2008 4:53:21 PM | Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe In the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll
Ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/8/2008 7:28:50 AM | Australian empathy
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.
The Aussie fumed,
'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in,
'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinse Businessman called out
'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said,
'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied,
'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said,
'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said,
'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied,
'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Aussie said,
'Why can't they f*cking play at night?' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:36:26 AM | There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
�
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
� | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:00:41 AM | There once was a man named McClean
Who devised a fvcking machine.
It was concave and convex
And could do either sex,
But... Oh! What a bother to clean!
There once was a man named McGras
Who had great big balls made of brass.
When he clanged them together
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his @ss! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:31:29 PM | A Riddle
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
Scroll down
A Seat belt you Pervert! Buckle Up! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:41:47 PM | Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
- Argued over nothing.
- Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
- Gained weight.
- Talked excessively without making sense.
- Became overly emotional.
- Couldn't drive.
- Failed to think rationally.
- Had to sit down while urinating.
- Could no longer read maps.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/27/2008 1:19:56 PM | BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the
poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/31/2008 7:13:35 PM | Technophobes!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/1/2008 4:58:05 PM | DO OTHER ANIMALS STUTTER??
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And, before he could say 'F-ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/3/2008 1:15:42 PM | Mexican Maid
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why should I give you a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now):
'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/5/2008 2:18:04 PM | Walking EAGLE
The leader of the Liberal Party Stephan Dion was invited to address a major gathering of the First Nations two weeks ago in Ottawa. HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native Canadians present standard of living, should he one day become the Prime Minister. He referred to his career as a Back Bencher, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the he was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Dion with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Stephan then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of Chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Dion. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/6/2008 2:21:49 PM | Willie Nelson
So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
'I have outlived my d!ck.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:07:51 PM | Police Officer Quiz - almost true
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
You pose the following scenario/question, and observe their response:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid/pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
Click. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/7/2008 1:13:00 PM | Gentle Thoughts
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt ..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my
mouth...AMEN..! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:59:05 PM | Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changin g from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
------
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
------
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
-------
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/8/2008 2:15:00 PM | MY NEW FEMALE UROLOGIST
As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical
establishment.
For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..." | |
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