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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 176 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2005 1:13:35 AM | Choc on Choc
But it had to be, cause thats my favourite
Man walks into a new Swedish Multisex Toilet
Fully automated with a series of buttons
Presses button 1
Mechanical hand unzips him
Button 2
Toilet comes out from wall and hand eases him into postition
Button 3
Hands wipes him
Button for marked 'For Women Only'
But he presses it anyway
Wakes up in hospital in agony
Butoon 4 was the Tampon remover, balls are in the wastepaper basket
..
. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2005 3:36:26 AM | I was Strawberry Shortcake.
A bus full of contestants for a new TV show called "From Gross to Great" is travelling to location when a tire blows out and is careening off of a cliff, the driver dives to safety but everyone else dies. They all appear at the Pearly gates and God feels bad for all of them and says: You may all have one wish before entering heaven. The first person says " I wish to be Beautiful." everyone takes notice and wishes for the same thing, but when it gets to the last man he's laughing and says to god: " I wish you'd make em all ugly again!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2005 6:17:22 AM | Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.” | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2005 7:45:15 PM | Me, Myself and Irene
Hank Evans: Sure, and while I'm at it, why don't you go climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on the power lines! Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But to do that, I'm going to need complete uninanonomonitity. Hank Evans: Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
[a kid with glasses stares mindlessly at Charlie, who then transforms into Hank]
Hank Evans: What are you staring at, ****face?
Guy on Street: What is your problem?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy.
Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy."
Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.
[shrugs]
Hank Evans: I was horny.
Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.
Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters: Ok, look, I don't kn
ow what that means!
Irene P. Waters: Charlie may not be long off the tee, but he's got a very good up and down game.
Hank Evans: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can we just speak English here?
Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel swolen.
Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No. But it can give you unbelievable cotton-mouth.
Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.
Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, yeah. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.
Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/12/2005 11:55:53 PM | If I was in customer support, this would be me on a regular basis. lol
-----------
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)
"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C: prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 2:01:23 AM | A man is driving from Edmonton to Calgary carrying a load on penguins. He gets just past Red Deer and his truck breaks down. He gets out and sets up his reflectors and lifts the hood up to check what the problem is. Another trucker see's this and pulls over and gets out of his rig and says.
"Can I help?"
"That would be great!" Replies the first trucker. "I'll give you $500 to take my trailer of penguins to the Calgary Zoo, and as soon as I get my truck fixed I'll meet you there"
The second trucker agrees and hooks up and is on his way in no time.
The first trucker gets his rig fixed and heads out. When he gets to the Calgary Zoo he sees the second trucker walking down the street with 500 penguins walking in line behind him. He slams on his brakes and jumps out of his truck and yells.
"What the hell are you doing with those penguins? I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo"
The second trucker replies.
"I did, but I had some money left so I thought I'd take to a movie to" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 8:23:38 AM | A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 12:38:23 PM | A burgular was going through the drawers of someone else's livingroom when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued.
"Jesus is watching you."
He turned and shone his torch across the room, eventually coming to rest on a parrot in the corner. He walked up to it and asked, "Did you say that?"
"Oh, yes." responded the parrot.
"So you can speak good English?"
"Yes, pretty good"
"What's your name?"
"Moses."
The burgular considered this, then replied, "What kind of IDIOT names a parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of idiot that names a rottweiler Jesus." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 3:19:32 PM | Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"
So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"
So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 11:27:09 PM | KingPin
Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy: I think you can.
Neighbor: Even if its your own?
ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?
Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.
ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?
Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?
Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?
Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.
Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]
Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst
Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.
Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
[Takes a drink from the bucket]
Mr. Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 11:37:10 PM | 50 first dates
Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That's the 'roids talking.
Dr. Keats: Doug, once again, off the juice.
Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.
Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: Okay I'm calm!
[pause]
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.
Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
Henry: That's my joke.
Ula's Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?
Ula: Uh, nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Henry: You're the state idiot of Hawaii.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.
Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
Linda: Linda.
Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.
Doug: [flexing his pecs in the mirror] Hey Trathie, how you doin'? Yeah, well things changed thince high thcool. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 11:55:30 PM | Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most
of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the
bartender says,
"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on
his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He
belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He
falls flat on his face.
"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few
doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door
frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
to the bed." He takes step into the room and falls flat on his
face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jessie, comes into the room carrying
a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to
drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jessie. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you
know?"
"Mick called....You left your wheelchair at the pub again." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/13/2005 11:59:55 PM | Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
> > accidentally
> > > ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out
> of
> > > his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distaught. The
whole
> > > world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
> > >
> > > Suddenly be noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
> > > polished it and immdiately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from
> > > thousands of years of impriusonment," said the genie. "As a reward I
> > shall
> > > grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the
material
> > > things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the
> > > splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog
> > back
> > > to life for me?" Prince Charles asked. The genie carefully looked at
> the
> > > remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to
> > > bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
> > >
> > > Prince Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled
> > > out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,"
> > said
> > > the Prince, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
> woman
> > > called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see
> > > Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla
as
> > > beautiful as Diana?"
> > >
> > > The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
> > "Let's
> > > have a look at that dog again." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/15/2005 12:50:12 AM | Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from
between your tits" he says.
"You dirty **stard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the
cheeks of your a*** and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill
your **** with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the
hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs
upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the
telly.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my
tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my a***
cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny
with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries
hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints
of Guinness..." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/15/2005 12:51:08 AM | An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where
they first met.
They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the
waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this
same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled
as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife,
"Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field
across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we
do it again for old times sake?"
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So, off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop
smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he
better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any
harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the
fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when
they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he
saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down
excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man,
then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his
hiding spot and said,
"That was the most energetic love making I have ever seen. You
must have really been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence
wasn't electric!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 12:11:29 AM | *** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to
piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,
and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't
aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on
the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just
not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to
my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried
sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in
the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!
 | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 12:11:48 AM | A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and
were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their
mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.
The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her
husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect.
But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went
behind her husband's back to go whoring.
She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to
her hubby.
He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.
"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 12:44:24 AM | Found this on a user sugatush profile on POF...LOL
=======================================
9 Things I Hate About some people > > >
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". d*mn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film " did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the d*mn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest d*mn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? | |
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TMP
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Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 194 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 1:53:36 AM | What has 4 legs and no ears? Mike tysons dog  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 6:27:45 AM | Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 7:19:29 AM | CRUELTY JOKES:
1. How many babies can you get in a burlap sack?
12, if you pack the heads separately...
2. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, floating in the ocean?
BOB...
3. "Daddy, daddy, why do I keep running in circles?"
"Shut up, or I'll nail the OTHER foot to the floor..."
4. What's Green and white and red and goes 90 M.P.H.?
A frog in a blender...
5. How can you tell whether a lawyer or a snake has been run over?
There are skid marks in front of the snake... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 9:23:06 AM | BUTCH THE ROOSTER
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and
eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John
could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize"
but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Liberal in the making. Who else but a Liberal could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 3:41:43 PM | WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A half carton of eggs,
- A quart of orange juice,
- A small head of romaine lettuce,
- A 2 lb. can of coffee,
- And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied...
"Cause you're ugly." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 5:46:47 PM | Many years ago there was a wealthy gentlemen who had a large house in the country. He had a caretaker who would take him to town in the horse and buggy to run his errands. Whenever he had to travel, as he often did, his caretaker would watch over the house. The caretaker was a man of few words.
One day the caretaker picked up the gentleman at the train station after he had been away on business. They watched as the magnificent steam locomotive pulled its load of cars from the station and around a curve. As the sound of the whistle faded in the distance they began the trip to the country.
The gentleman asked his caretaker if anything had happened while he was away. The caretaker replied, "No, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died."
The gentleman asked, "Oh? My dog died? How did he die?" The caretaker replied, "Well, I reckon it was from eating the burned horse meat."
The gentleman asked, "Burned horse meat? Where did he find burned horse meat?" The caretaker replied, "In the barn. When the sparks landed on the roof the barn caught fire and burned. The horses were trapped inside. Your dog got into the barn, ate the burned horse meat, and died."
The gentleman asked, "Where did the sparks come from?" The caretaker replied, "Well they came from the house.
"The house?," the gentleman asked. "What happened to the house!" The caretaker replied, "Well, when the candle got knocked over the curtain caught fire and sparks from the house landed on the barn roof. When the barn burned the horses were inside. The dog ate the burned horse meat and died."
The gentleman asked frantically, "Candle! Candle! What candle!". The caretaker replied, "It was around the casket."
"CASKET! WHAT CASKET!", the gentleman yelled. "The caretaker replied, "The casket your wife was in. When we found her in bed with that other gentleman she was very frightened and her heart gave out. At the funeral one of the candles fell over and the curtain caught fire. The sparks from the house landed on the barn roof and the barn burned with the horses inside. The dog got into the barn and ate the burned horse meat and died."
"So," the gentleman exclaimed, "I thought you said nothing happened while I was away!" The caretaker replied, "Naw, nothing much happened. 'Cept your dog died." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/16/2005 7:34:27 PM | Subject: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
December 15
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
December 16
My dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist - - you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
December 17
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they ARE beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.
Love,
Violet
December 18
Dear Bob,
What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these lovely birds can really squawk and are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
December 19
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
December 20
Bob:
What the hell's with you and these f****g birds? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of dam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't get a dam bit of sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
December 21
O.K., Pal!
What in the screaming hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? I think I prefer the damn birds. The damn maids-a-milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow crap all over my lawn and bird crap all over the house. I can't even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartasss.
Vi
December 22
Listen, Sheethead!
You sadistic **stard! I now have nine pipers piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow crap. This, after chasing those maids all night long.
Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Up yours,
Vi
December 23
You rotten SOB!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sheeet. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause as to why this building should not be condemned.
I'm calling the police!
December 24
Listen, F**KHEAD:
Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be witness to eleven Lords-a-leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, some how, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your ****ing face again as long as I live.
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
LAST LETTER -
Law Offices
Goldstein, Silverberg, and O'Reily
December 25, 2005
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habersham.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!
With this letter please find attached, a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely,
Anthony Gionetti
Associate | |
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