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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:55:44 AM | Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman .
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:20:09 PM | I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine? ''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/3/2009 1:45:42 PM | Inspiration Story
I just pass them on
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'
Then I thought...
F~ck - I could win this!' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:57:10 AM | OMG! I can't stop laughing! Just spilled my espresso all over my keyboard!
This I just read on a post about bare vs bushy...
You know, I’d think that women would want to keep their pubic hair for another reason: I’m no expert on bi-pedal locomotion but in mechanics, a little friction material is necessary to reduce the velocity of moving parts. With the various effluents that emanate from the vagina – and the crotch being the pivotal point – it would seem that a woman runs the risk of hyper-extending her legs from walking briskly or running. It’s just too slippery down there without some means of keeping the lubrication in check. I think this is the reason so many older women suffer hip fractures. As you know, the pubic hair becomes sparse with age and there you go... We’re probably going to start seeing more hip injuries in younger women from all this shaving business.
I just pass them on | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:54:04 PM | Special Part
A girl from Newfoundland who was a virgin on her wedding night, was stunned to see the special part her husband had.
She asked, 'What's dat ting?'
'My lov' he said, 'dats a special part God gave to me to please you and I'm the only man on earth dat has one.'
After a passionate night of love making the bride said 'how lucky I am to have the only man alive with one of those!'
The next day, the husband comes home to see his new bride very upset. 'What's wrong me lov?'
'You told me you were the only man wit one of those tings and today I saw Freddie doing his pee behind the shed and he had one dat looked just like yours!!'
Not wanting to be caught he said 'Well honey, the truth is I had two of those parts and because Freddie is my best friend in the world, I gave him one, but it's only me and Freddie who has one'
That seemed to ease her mind somewhat. After another night of passionate love making the husband goes off to work.
Later that evening he comes home to find his new love very upset again!
'What's the matter today me luv?'
'Well' she says 'I can't get over how stunned you are!'
'Whatever do you mean my sweet?'
'I can't believe you were lucky enough to have TWO of those special parts, and you turns around and gives Freddie da best one!' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/5/2009 2:51:03 PM | When summoned to Iraq to aid in human relations, I was quite taken back by the religious difference and turmoil, so much so I wanted to relieve myself of duty; should I take a Shiite, or a Pope?
If I was deported from Japan, would I be disoriented?
If you study abroad, does it turn you on?
I was thinking outside the box for prepositions.
The glass is half full; unless it's pee.
Go all the way where to make Kashi? It was in my kitchen the whole time!
Someday I'll walk into Brown Cancer Center and ask, "Do you treat other color cancers?"
I have read in the bathroom a few times, butt have you considered the following? Think to a time long ago, before men made shacks to hide poo; squatted in nature not a leu. They'd pick up some bark, make a fresh mark, and get the hell out of the pew!
Woman in free clinic: "Well Ms. Jones, according to our budget, you don't have a problem."
Bi-polar: Likes North Alaskan Eskimo prostitutes.
Here in Kentucky we turn our microwaves clear off. How far do you turn yours off?
Salad can be tossed with trash.
The sign said, "$500 Fine for Littering"...it's always ok to litter with money.
All impatient people have a wait problem.
I measured an inch worm...1 1/8"
I don't know why she didn't call, after the date she said I was a fungi.
If your significant other is diabetic, is it ok to call them Sweet Pea? | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:04:00 PM | Great T-shirt Slogans
We'll be best friends until we are old and senile.
Then, we'll be NEW friends.
Silence is golden
Duct tape is silver
I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I love poetry, long walks on the beach,
and poking dead things with a stick.
What if the
'HOKEY POKEY'
really is what it's all about?
It's all fun and games
'til someone loses a wiener.
Sometimes I pee when I laugh.
I'd tell you to go to hell,
but I work there
and I don't see you every day.
When your gecko is broken
you have reptile dysfunction.
I didn't say it was YOUR FAULT!
I said I was going to BLAME YOU!
I don't mind going to work but the 8 hour wait to go home is a b:tch! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:37:33 PM | what do you get if you cross
george formby with eddie murphy
TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN MOTHER ****ER | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:12:27 PM | Crisco...too funny!!!!
A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"
"Lard ass." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:17:36 PM | Six Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all of your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, while reading the First Truth, will try it.
3. And they will discover that the First Truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're one of those idiots.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. And there will still be a stupid smile on your face while you're doing it.
I do not apologize about this and I do not feel sorry about posting it. I'm an idiot too and I just needed company. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:44:50 PM |
It's all fun and games
'til someone loses a wiener.
I heard this one as:
"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye,
and then it's Hilarious!"
Also,
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into Jet Engines."
"Attention Employees: The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budgetary constraints. That is all."
"The light at the end of the tunnel is actually that of an oncoming train."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not the sport for you."
"Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. However, doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security."
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts sure as hell do." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:32:59 PM | ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:15:23 PM | The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:48:31 PM | STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit...... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:57:58 PM | Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b!tch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? -c0cktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just
your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you
walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then
mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or
married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a
daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but
you know they are always there' '
Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover,
or just suffering from life, that might need a reason to smile! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:08:39 AM | THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 4:21:31 PM | TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 4:33:07 PM | BUBBA
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a$$holes.'
'What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, whenever seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two a$$holes.'
Now, aren't you glad I posted this one! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:57:58 PM | Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen who took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:36:22 AM | | paddy says to murphy one night ah to be sure murph i will have to set the alarm for five in the morning murph replie oh bejesus why thre is only two of us | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:54:09 AM | BECAUSE I'M A MAN...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I
will fiddle with a coat hanger long after
hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and a
sandwich, as a form of holy communion.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I
lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin'
or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
_____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing
has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers
only).
____________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at
the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
___________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you 're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes
ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not
make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes that did that. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year
2009, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer,
wondering what to do.
____________________________________________________
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:18:31 AM | Hey Timman I have one similar...........................................................Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex afterwards Daddy goes to his sons bedroom and explaines that he was planting a seed inside Mommy so he could have a new baby brother or sister. Johnny was so excited that he went to sleep immediately. About two weeks later Johnnys father comes home from work to find his son crying his heart out on the front steps..............................................Whats the matter my son Dad asks.Well says Johnny you know that seed you planted inside Mommy so I could have a new baby brother or sister, yes replies his Daddy.....................Well the mailman came by today and he ate it.: | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:58:01 AM | great jokes on here, so i thought i'd share this one with you all. it may have been told before, but here goes;
one day little jimmy is playing in the lounge when his mum enters, he says "mummy what are those", pointing at her breasts, she replies"these are my ballons, and when i die they'll lift me up to heaven". little jimmy seemingly satisfied with this goes off to play in his room. twenty minutes later he rushes back to his mum and shouts "mummmy, mummy the au pairs dying", "don't be silly" his mum replies "what makes you think that?", "well" says jimmy " daddys blowing up her ballons and shes yelling oh god i'm coming"
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thats an awesum joke :)
