|
|
|
|
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 11:27:01 AM | Upstaged By A Street
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:01:38 PM | All about Retiring
For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
When I retired, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00..
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.
At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep.
Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call thembecause they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap **stard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:08:55 PM | BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:27:05 PM | Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
(This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. )
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No crap, really? Ya think? )
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far! )
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
( What a guy!)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! )
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
( See if that works any better than a fair trial! )
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Ya think?! )
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? )
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)
----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans! )
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
( Chainsaw Massacre all over again! )
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
( Boy, are they tall!)
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that right? )
***************************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:46:37 PM | Grandpa's Drink
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!' | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:56:59 PM | No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you sometimes! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:08:00 AM | here's my own lil joke.....
so we're at the farm and we're cleaning out a barn when we over hear the chicken clucking to the pig....
Chicken:sit it's clucking hott out here today!
pig:really? your looking finger llicking good.....
chicken:was that a food joke ya fat pink tenderloin,cluck, cluck
so they carry on like this for awhile finally after like two hours the pig looks up stupidly..
then the chicken looks up......
they look at eachother and the chicken yaps out?
chicken?hey pig ol buddy did u notice that eagle over their starring at us.....?
Pig:ulp!!!!!!!
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:56:37 PM | Browsing Old Cemeteries
I guarantee you will laugh at these! But I like the last one the best of all.
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour:
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him
for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 2:53:24 PM | Bubbles and Barbie
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:00:36 PM | Gorilla and the Zookeeper
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00." | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 4:50:46 PM | God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays...
'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.
I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God,Himself....
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.' | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:04:55 PM | How to Stop Church Gossip...
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence…
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing….
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...walked home . ...and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank !) | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:08:27 PM | THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom
of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.... | |
|
OKRob
|
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 2189 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:55:37 PM | I have discovered why scuba divers always fall into the water backwards!! It's because, if they fell forwards... They would still be in the boat.
 | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/9/2009 2:42:47 PM | Italian Honeymoon
For those less geographically inclined....there's a place called .... NORFOLK, VIRGINA, USA.
-------------------------------
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia , Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Paterson, New Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga h is finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'
'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:11:37 PM |  Those are some pretty good ones keep em coming! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:02:30 PM | The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
yeah! | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:05:33 PM | DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? | |
|
OKRob
|
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 2194 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:55:26 PM | Have the copy n pastes finished now? Aww yeah OK, we can have a snog but don't leave a big slobbery mess on your screen  | |
|
| New Hat
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:58:16 PM | Agnes' 86 year old boyfriend Burt, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them.
Walking proudly he steps into Agnes' room and asks "Notice anything different, Agnes?" Agnes looks him over, "Nope.."
Burt says excitedly, "Come on, Agnes, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Agnes looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Agnes looks up and says, "Burt, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Burt yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, AGNES? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Agnes replies, "You should have bought a hat, Burt... should have bought a hat." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:34:03 PM | The Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:46:59 PM | Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
.
.
.
.
.
..
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual. | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:24:11 PM | THE KNOB
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob. .’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'those aren't bags, those are your breasts.’
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee... | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:29:14 PM | "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said: "THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!" | |
|
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/22/2009 5:55:14 PM | Zut Alors!!
Very clever!
Price of gas in France
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse. | |
|
|
| Page 88 of 93
|
53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93 |
|
Home
login 
