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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:33:04 PM | Public toilets
When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR !) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:43:34 PM | PMS and GPS
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A crazy b!tch who will find you!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:58:34 PM | SLOW GOLF
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money".
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to con tact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they f-cking play at night?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:09:11 PM | AT THE PUB
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:54:34 PM | THE VIBRATOR.......
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,
AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE,
GET OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. CURIOUS, HE ENTERS THE ROOM,
AND IS SHOCKED HIS DAUGHTER IS MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR!
THE DAUGHTER SAYS: 'DAD GET OUT!! I'M THIRTY-FIVE, LIVING AT HOME,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO
A HUSBAND. GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED
THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE
COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE
COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR
WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:55:35 AM | THIS FARMER HAD 8 GOOD HEN'S AND ONLY 1 OLD ROOSTER
SO HE WENT TOO TOWN AND GOT HIM THIS FINE YOUNG ROOSTER
NO SOONER THAN THE FARMER GOT IN THE HOUSE
THE OLD ROOSTER SAID TOO THE YOUNG ROOSTER
AS OLD AS I AM CAN I KEEP 2 OF THE HEN'S SO I DONT DIE ALONE
HE REPIED NO I THINK I'LL KEEP THEM ALL
THE OLD ROOSTER SAID,MAKE YOU A DEAL GIVE ME A 10 SECOND HEAD START
I'LL RACE YOU AROUND THE HOUSE.
IF YOU WIN YOU KEEP UMMM ALL
IF I WIN I WILL TAKE JUST ONE
10 SECOND'S LATER THE OLD ROOSTER LOOKED BEHIND HIM
THE YOUNG ROOSTER WAS RIGHT ON HIS TAIL
ABOUT THAT TIME THE OLD MAN STEPPED OUT AND KILLED THAT YOUNG ROOSTER
HIS WHY ASKED, WHY DID YOU DO THAT
HE REPLYED
THAT IS THE FOURTH GAY ROOSTER I HAVE KILLED THIS WEEK
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OKRob
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Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 2207 | |
| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:30:58 PM | Why do most blondes dye their roots dark?
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/6/2009 7:09:47 AM | a MAN on his 50th aniversary
bought his wife a fur coat
when he went too hide it in the closset
he found a shoe box
it had 1.000 in cash and three egg's
he didnt want his wife to know about the coat so he told his wife it fell out of the closset
and wanted too know what it was for
she replyed
in 50 year's every time I cheated on you I got an egg
he said well I probly got a dozen in 50 year's
but what about the $1.000
she said when I got a dozen
I sold them
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/6/2009 7:49:57 AM | I was told today that I have a seruos ilness
it is called
optical---rectical diseae
for all of you that do not know what this means
it is when the optical nurve
tangle's up withe rectical nurve
and give's you a shitty out look on life
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| The American Medical Association weighs in....
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:00:22 AM | The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health
care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was
a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole
new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists agreed the entire issue is a massive pain in the butt.
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:20:17 PM | SUNBATHING
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:36:54 PM | Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, July 31, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or ****ing
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
Claim.
Driving Simulations...
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:49:55 PM | Getting Old In Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago..'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'About Twelve Thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,' ' Morris replied.
To which the doctor replied, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:18:18 AM | Rubber Gloves
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid!
They have been there and done everything! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:49:18 PM | Signs in Restrooms
Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity..
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
- Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:02:04 PM | Burma Shave with the Statler Brothers
You may need to watch it twice; once to watch the Burma shave signs change and once to catch all the pictures plus listening to the music of the Statler Brothers.
I am onlyposting this to my 'older friends' because most folks under 50 would have no idea what I am talking about.. 'Too bad they missed it!'
http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:36:09 PM | Zovitski or Peltry Syndrome ?
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS............... But I was wrong, too!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:47:58 PM | Drafting Guys over 60 .....
Drafting Guys over 60----(This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman- New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!)
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some terrorist that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical so-and-so....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of 20 million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Gosh!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:55:55 PM | A Penguin's Life
Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguins have a very strong community bond.
They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.
They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....
..."freeze a jolly good fellow." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:36:34 PM | The Recipe
Two men are showering up in a locker room, when one of them notices that his friend is extremely well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive. I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! "I've lost two inches already."
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
Wait for it .........
Wait for it .........
Wait ...........
"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"
MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!
Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/21/2009 7:51:14 AM | Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/21/2009 7:54:04 AM | A notable gynocologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f-cking temperamental." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/22/2009 7:20:38 PM | HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT ALL ARE TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
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FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww......
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PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
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PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no kidding Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
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BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but wit hout success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
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OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (classy or what?? I hope there was a table cloth on that table!!). While in the act, she had an epileptic seizure, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
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And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
Friendship is like peeing your pants........
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 8/24/2009 1:03:56 PM | Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , he? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the****it, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN! | |
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