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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/17/2005 3:07:47 AM | On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me
I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard
As we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door
The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old.
We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried
But we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince
When he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter
I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas poor Dad began to cry
He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.
On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue
And everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting
Mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips
The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/17/2005 1:12:09 PM | When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/18/2005 9:44:44 PM | Ok I'm going to start posting links that are videos of funny sh*t too, just because I feel like it, gosh darn it.
http://itsdumb.com/content/videos/508/Funny_Robin_Williams.html | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/18/2005 9:45:15 PM | There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking
for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says,
"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of
the road."
They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in
the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to
swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The one blonde says to the other,
"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:52:40 AM | Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters. | |
|
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:59:34 AM | The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:34:15 AM | THREE WOMEN, ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE
OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"
SHE SAID. HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT
WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE,
SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED
WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS
RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M
GETTIN' A FAX." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:22:01 AM | | So this ol boy comes walking out of the Florida swamp, walks to town, and goes straight to the gynecologist ofiice. Sits there a bit, and the nurse asks if she can help. He says "I'm here to see the doctor." She gives him a quizzical look, and asks if he is sure. "Yep" he says. He does not have an appointment, so he waits. Finally, the doc calls him in to the office, and asks how he can help him. The good ol boy says "Not here for me, I'm here for my daughter." The doc says "Your daughter? What does she need?". The ol boy replies, "She needs some of them birth control pills." The doc says "Well, how old is she?" "13" the ol boy replies. The doc, taken somewhat aback, asks "Well, is she sexually active?" "Nope" the ol boy replies "She just lays there like her ma." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 12/19/2005 12:23:51 PM | | why was the washing machine laughing ? it was taking the piss out the knickers | |
|
| The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
Posted: 12/19/2005 1:57:22 PM | I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss, and all the rest.
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!! | |
|
| The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:30:25 PM | Things it took me 60 years to learn:
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway. | |
|
| The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:08:37 PM | Life as an Albertan:
1. "Vacation" means going to Banff for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know several people who have hit deer(or elk) more than once.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. You can drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car and everybody knows how to use them.
8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled.
10. You know both seasons: Winter and construction.
11. You can walk down the main street in your town, and know approximately one third to half the people you see by face or by name, and chances are you will run into one of your friends or aquiantances too.
12. You are bundled up in three sweaters, a parka, ski pants, a touque, two pairs of mittens, boots past your knees in 3 feet ofsnow in a -40 blizzard, your eyelashes are frozen together, your nose is running, you can't feel your toes, and you still stop at 7 Eleven for a Slurpee on the way home. | |
|
| Pitbull
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:28:03 PM | A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover
says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going
to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this
baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained
to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and
walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder,
he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!" | |
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| Pitbull
Posted: 12/20/2005 6:13:46 AM | A blind guy sits down on a barstool and shouts to the bartender "Hey, who wants to hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says "Before you tell the joke, you should know something. I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound black belt, and I'm blonde. The bartender is a 300 pound blonde. The bouncer is 6'6" and blonde. The guy at the end of the bar is about 6'2", 225 and blonde, and the guy on your left is about 250 and blonde. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it five times." | |
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| |
| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:47:23 AM | Yeah watching Chuck Norris reminds me of my Dad, we used to LOVE watching his movies when I was growing up. lmao
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This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back
yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is
amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's a fuuuucking liar!!!" | |
|
| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/21/2005 1:09:43 AM |
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
OMG, I just sharted myself. Thanks Brazen! You made my night. | |
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| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:27:43 AM | I have more after this joke...
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Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Simon for dinner, who lives with a female
roommate Rachel. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice how pretty Simon's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had
only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Simon and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Simon volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.
About a week later, Rachel came to Simon saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" Simon replied, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll
email her just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Simon
Several days later, Simon received a response email from his Mother, which
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mom
Lesson of the day - Don't Lie to Your Mother ... especially if she is
Jewish! | |
|
| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:28:16 AM | Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. | |
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| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:28:54 AM | Little Johnny was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having
impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest
nodded and said, "Yes Little Johnny, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two
beautiful brothers you have." | |
|
| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:29:16 AM | A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his
trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very
large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear
is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and
says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two
choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate
colloquialism for sodomy here]."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he
drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said
he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger
gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and
fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into
town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the
forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka
blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" | |
|
| CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Posted: 12/22/2005 2:30:15 AM | This one is long winded but it's for the mighty beaver!!!
-------
A DAM STORY
An actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-
flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed
no later than January 31 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water
Management Division
This is the actual response sent back -
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to
respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that
they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this
type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a
dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both
of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they
being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the
environment (beavers' dams.).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff
to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office. | |
|
| Smack the Penguin
Posted: 12/22/2005 3:20:24 PM | Smack the Penguin
1. Go to the link below
2. Click once on the snowman and the penguin will leap from the cliff
3. Click on the snowman again to hit the penguin as he descends from the
cliff.
4. What's your distance - 360 m + is possible? Good Luck!
5. Click OK to try again
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf | |
|
| Some things to note
Posted: 12/22/2005 3:35:32 PM | Some things to note
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.
37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK!!!! | |
|
| Some things to note
Posted: 12/23/2005 2:07:55 AM | An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone
having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head
drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and
sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
for that!" | |
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