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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:53:12 PM | The Monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/21/2009 4:59:29 PM | when will it end!!!
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to F-ck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/23/2009 3:25:00 AM | Q. Why do cowboys wear big belt buckles?
A. As a memorial to a dead d***
Q. Why do cowgirls wear big belt buckles?
A. Marks the grave. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:48:39 AM | An old woman dies and goes to Heaven.
She's standing there talking to St. Peter when she hears a terrible scream.
Asking who made that scream, St. Peter responds, "Don't worry, it's just someone getting holes fitted for their wings."
As they continue their conversation she hears another blood curdling scream. Again she asks, "Who is doing that?!" St. Peter replies, "Oh that's just someone's holes being fitted for their halo."
The old woman looks at St. Peter and says, "I'm going to Hell instead."
St. Peters gasps and replies, "But you will be raped and brutalized there!"
Old woman sighs and says, "That's okay I already have the holes for that".
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/23/2009 4:21:21 PM | Ref the Psych Test:
Just goes to show that being logical get's one labeled as dangerous. Hence the state of the Congress. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:24:40 PM | WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES
President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says, "We're planning W.W. III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
”Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a sh!t about the 140 million Muslims”. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:51:15 PM | A Guy at the bar
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:59:14 PM | The eldery woman and the doctor
An elderly woman is being examined by a young physician.
After about four minutes, she bursts out of the examination room. Spotting an older doctor, she tells him what happened.
Astounded, he marches ddown the hallway towards his young colleague. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demands. "That woman is 74! Why would you tell her she's pregnant?"
The young doctor asks, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:05:25 PM | Hemmingway Hall
Visiting a college campus, the propective student spots a building called Hemmingway Hall. "How nice," he says. "That building is named for Ernest Hemmingway."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemmingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big cheque." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:07:56 PM | Winston Churchill said...
Dogs look up to you; cats look down on you; pigs treat you as an equal. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:26:40 PM | Recycling
I was visiting Cheryl, a successful young professional, whe I noticed half a piece of French bread in its original wrapper in her recycle box.
When I told her that she couldn't put bread in the recycling box, she said, "Why not? It tastes like cardboard" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:19:55 PM | TGIF
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' '
Oh crap!' the blonde says........ "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
Some people can have all the lights on,
and still be in the dark ... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/30/2009 12:26:11 PM | An important lesson for the guys.......
A guy that's due to get married can't help but notice that as the wedding day is drawing nearer, his fiancee's sister is paying closer attention to him. Secret looks across the room, winks,touching his bottom discreetly. Of course, he's trying not to notice her lucious lips, gorgeous figure, sexy ass, not to mention those come to bed eyes and DD breasts...but more days follow of the sister offering little tempting gestures.
Eventually, he gets a call from her, begging him to drop by her house, she has important stuff to talk about.....
He arrives, to be confronted by his future sister in law, long hair flowing over her semi naked young firm sexy body....begging him to take her to bed. Just once. She knows it's wrong but can't they please do the hot sex thing, just once...pleeeeeese....?
The guy gathers his thoughts. Walks past the sex kitten and opens the front door. Only to be confronted by his future wife, Mother and Father in law and lots of other relatives....."Welcome to the family.....you're the pefect gentleman ....now we know you'll never cheat on her".....His girlfriend swoons into his welcoming arms.....
And the lesson is...............always leave your condoms in the car.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:29:01 PM | A young man in Alabama, who lived with his family all his life, finally decided it was time to move out and get married. He finally found his bride-to-be and got married. However, a few days after the honeymoon night, he went back home.
His dad queried, "Son, it's probably none of my business, but why aren't you with your new wife, son, and why did you come back home?"
The young man said, "Well, daddy, on the honeymoon night, I found out that she WAS A VIRGIN!"
And his daddy pondered fer awhile and finally said, "I understand where you're coming from, boy - if she wasn't good enough fer her own family, then she ain't good enough fer ours either." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:25:01 PM | They walk among us!......Unbelievable
This should have your head just a shaking!!
NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans.
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!
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One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS,TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, their vote equals ours, and they also reproduce. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/1/2009 5:19:45 PM | "'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"
I must be dumb as a rock. Was it the trip where he was the first European in Hawaii? That where he observed the Venus crossing the Sun in Tahiti? Or that in which he was looking for the continent south of Australia (and was one of the first to cross the Arctic Circle)?
Then again, I don't appear completely normal to some... :-)
And how dumb is the millionaire candidate, if she placed a $30,000 bet about making a memorable appearance on this show? I hesitate to label people as dumb until I understand their thought processes and motivations. Unless they are blond. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/2/2009 11:27:07 AM | Welfare Case
I signed my dog up for welfare. Do you think he's eligible? He's black,
lazy, can't speak English & has no frigging idea who his daddy is... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:54:58 PM | Carol and her husband Bill went for counseling after 35 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Carol went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they
had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Carol to stand,
unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and
kissed her passionately as her husband Bill watched with a raised eyebrow.
Carol shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a
daze.
The therapist turned to Bill and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bill thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:55:58 PM | THE LOVE DRESS
A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced,
at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and
the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from
work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/4/2009 11:53:03 PM | | hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/5/2009 9:19:05 AM | Don't know if anyone can help me here...Just had an email through and all it said was
'A' 'G' 'B' 'N'
Personally, I just think it's bang out of order | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/5/2009 2:24:55 PM | Phrase Origin; interesting reading!
An oldie…but a goodie!!
A BIT OF HISTORY MOST PEOPLE DID NOT KNOW
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be
Shittin' Me!"
Well, it just so happens to have indirectly originated through the
Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing
the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It
was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing
them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name)
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered
him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of
them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute,
hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding
around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a
beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men
standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted,
and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and
with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come
to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
AND ANOTHER PIECE OF HISTORY COMES TOGETHER........... : -)) | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:56:10 PM | Wine Lovers Must See!
I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as:
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:21:43 AM | A LITTLE POEM
My First Time
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
GOTCHA!!!!!
NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS.. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/9/2009 5:27:30 AM | | Cute. But milking a cow at night? A cow with blue eyes??? | |
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