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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:37:20 PM | I'm in the process of perfecting a time machine. I can't go backwards in time yet, but I can go forward at a rate of 60 minutes per hour!  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:15:11 AM | Politcal Correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS ..
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN .'
3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:07:19 AM | How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, throw in a match: WOOF! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:35:09 PM | And a dog like a cat?
Deep-freeze it and run it through a table saw. MEEEEEOOOW! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/15/2009 4:56:02 PM | cuckoo clock
Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married...
(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.)
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed
three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus
nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem ticked off in the least. Whew, I
got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he
said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/15/2009 6:12:58 PM | An old Newfie
After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly b!tch he's runnin' around with.' | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:11:46 PM | Book Report-Too funny!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :....... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :....... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:26:31 PM | Question
When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan , China, Checkoslovakia or Mexico, what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map of Canada | |
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| Mininum Wage
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:56:51 PM | Dear Vagina,
You trap guys all the time
Your always open for invitation
You talk to much
Some of you need buzz cut
And every month u go through those periods
:modhammer: | |
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| Mininum Wage
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:47:31 PM | Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice,
three times, nothing happens so she gives several more tugs, then
yells.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion, too!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/19/2009 2:06:51 PM | A Bagpiper Late for a Funeral
This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:00:49 AM | Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine at the dentist's office?
He wanted to transcend dental medication. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:43:54 PM | A Bronze rat
Englishman walked into a Vancouver curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the Englishman, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Edmonton Oilers supporter, and anything French!' | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:00:24 PM | Oh Canada
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
5. The all New 13% HST tax coming soon!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.
Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:05:22 PM | Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.
PRICELESS | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:14:40 PM | The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/24/2009 10:52:53 AM | The Fairy & The Immigrant
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistani where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Canadians.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said , 'Tough luck. Now that you are Canadian, you're entitled to sweet fu-k all like the rest of us.'
And she disappeared......... | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:39:39 AM | The $2.99 Special
If you are a senior you will understand this one. If you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:23:44 AM | Newfie Hooker
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding
annoyed
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face. | |
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| stopping the cough
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:11:34 AM | a pharmacist returns to his shop to find a guy leaning against the counter sweating and shaking. he asks the girl behind the counter "whats up with him" , she replies " he came in for some cough medicine and as i couldn't find any i gave hime a whole bottle of laxative".
"you idiot" replies the phamacist "you can't cure a cough with a laxative", "sure you can" the girl replies, "look at him, he's too scared to cough". | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:29:30 PM | New end to an old fairytale
The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
The little piggy said "F-ck off or I'll sneeze on you..." | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:34:09 PM | The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, "You are definitely the woman of my dreams. I love you..." Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?" | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:05:08 AM | Then & Now
Here's some sentiments about aging!
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that swayed.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too ****** old! | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 11/10/2009 10:44:48 AM | California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??? | |
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| My Joke Thread
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:32:08 PM | Quote of the Century
I just know that every man will love this and only a few brave women will actually pass it on!
" If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time? " | |
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