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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 6:58:12 PM | My exhusband is a deadbeat. My oldest was four and youngest two when he walked out the door and never looked back. He went all the way across the country and didn't even call for the first six months.
I filed for divorce, I raise our kids, and I NEVER ask for a dime. He owes over $30K in child support, and HE is the one that filed it with state thinking he could get it reduced. When he told the case worker that the reduced amount (from $863 to $340!!) I agreed to was too high and wasn't gonna fly with him and she could get f**ked.... she nailed him to the wall in cs and would NOT let me have a say in how much he did or didn't pay. (he changed jobs and wasn't making as much as when it was originally set, and I had NO PROBLEMS lowering his support amount, even though he had problems paying it from day one!)
I have never, and will never ask him for a dime. Just this July I filed for sole custody, supervised visitation, and mandatory drug testing. If he wanted to terminate his rights in exchange for being free from support obligations, I'd do it in a New York Minute.
He doesn't call, he doesn't see the kids, he doesn't care. We were married five years, and I never thought he'd walk out on us. EVER.
He was NOT a deadbeat when I married him. He was NOT a deadbeat when kids were younger. He just got a wild hair one day and walked out. Next thing I know he's hyped up all the time and when he did see the kids he was putting them in dangerous situations.
On the flipside of all of this..... my very best friend in the whole wide world is a single father with SOLE custody of his two boys, and pays support on his oldest. He was married, and three months after my ex walked on me, his wife walked on him. She took the boys and ran. It took us three weeks to track her down and when we finally did, she was so strung out on crack it was unreal, boys were filthy and nasty, etc... CW had NO problems getting sole custody in court, at all.
I see both sides of the issues b/c of my situation, and CW's. He's paid support on his oldest for nine years. And if he's two days late (his employer that is, getting the check to the state), he's getting a phone call and a late fine by state. Yet his exwife owes him three years worth of $300/month support, and she's never once had anything happen to her, and he hasn't seen even ONE penny from her. She also never sees the boys, calls, or anything else. And it'll be a cold day in hades before CW asks her for a dime as well.
So yea, it takes two to tango, and I fully believe one must own up to their responsibilities, and any parent on drugs should be stoned, BUT, you CANNOT force someone to do something no matter the paper, law, willpower, etc... you have on your side. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 8:38:31 PM | To the earlier poster... DEADBEAT in no way says man. This can apply to a man or woman. Because there tend to be more single mommies, more of us post about our experiences. However, if you look, I know there are MANY awesome single dads in this forum. Wish there were more, but our nonprogressive courts just havent gotten the hint yet. Also, most of us wish for the ex's to be involved. Unless there is a legitimate threat, than why not? I wish my sons father spent more time with him, but I dont force the issue... I allow him to see him as he wishes. Sole custody in some cases should mean no support, but not always. Theres no way to make a blanket rule in any family law circumstance... every family is different.
Mobibu- I have respect for you as far as your postings and I definetly agree with you, the money should benefit the child.
However, if my sons father pays (which he doesnt) $200/month and I spend 25 per month going out (which I dont )- who decides which jar that came out of. My sons clothes are bought before I get anything, his needs are met before I spend a thing. Spent at least $350 on his winter wardrobe, and Im already done with his christmas shopping. Still havent bought anything for myself. But, you bet your bottom that if I buy a new (cheap) outfit, I will never hear the end of it.
I know you are a standup guy and you seem to be reasonable. However, not all guys are like you. Many cry foul just to have something to whine about (as do many women, I know) His dad doesnt pay and thats on the list as to why. I dont have a cell phone, we live with a roomate, drive a 94 dodge shadow... but he cant pay bc he "knows Ill spend it on going out with my friends". Mind you I've been out 3 times in over 3 years. Now he has a cell phone, is at the bar several times a week and cant pay his bills? Some people just ruin it for us all. | |
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ruth78
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Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 28 | |
| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/17/2005 12:07:49 PM |
But when you went before the courts asking for sole custody do you not feel you should be responsible for this child in all aspects(meaning no child support or mother allowence)?
i haven't ever been to court, and i still don't receive a penny from my sons father.
i haven't got sole custody written down on paper but both myself and my ex know i do have sole custody because he's never around.
so not all of us have been to court, and all of us do deserve the right to receive money from the estranged parent. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/17/2005 2:28:46 PM | | sorry if you thought that was a comment it was a question i'm a single father. I have sole custody of my son and do not recive any money or benifit. Now when i did go to court it was mentioned that it was unable to figue out her income there for no order for support would be made. Now 2 years later i still haven't got a dime and wonder if i should? On one hand its a small price to pay not having to deal with her, and on the other during the months of winter when work is slow and i only get a few hours in at work a little help would go and long way I mean daycare s$800.00 a month weather i'm working or not the thing that bothers me about that so much is the fact that if i was a women they would track down the male and his place of employment and garnish his wages or the goverment would pay it on there tab and it would be owed to them. So now how is that fair when it was brought up with me nothing was done no tab haven't hear from her but heard that she's working and just back from a trip half way around the world yet they don't look at her tax return. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/17/2005 3:06:30 PM | @too_krazyca
It's not fair, it's a double standard - there are alot of women out there who use the historical protections for women to their advantage.
@ruth78
and all of us do deserve the right to receive money from the estranged parent.
No you don't - your CHILD deserves to be raised in a good, stable environment. Being a mother or a father does not give you some arbitrary entitlement! What if you make more money than the ex?
There actually is a schedule which outlines how much money you should get based on the non-custodial parent's income... you don't start cashing in until they reach around $7,000 income annually. What's interesting, though, is this schedule doesn't take into account the income of the custodial parent!? Apparantly, it pays to have custody!
Yea, yea, I know that often circumstances are such that the system fails to address problems for single mothers especially with regards to deadbeat husbands - that's statistically the norm, isn't it (of course, it's also statistically more likely that a single mother is going to abuse her child than a signle father, but that's another matter) - but the abuse that is coming down on me is ridiculous.
I'm a student, halfway done my degree - my ex is now posing the question, "Are you going to pay me maintenance or do you want to go to court?" I make well below that minimum level, even with my part time job... she works at a job where she brings our son along during the week. The period where we could still talk amiably (well, relatively speaking) during our initial seperation, she was going out pretty much every weekend. I don't go out (well, bringing my son swimming, to the park... I went out for coffee one night right before I picked him up a couple weeks ago).
Does she deserve any money??? She took all of our son's belongings when she left - I had to build up a little wardrobe for him myself... his winter jacket, gloves, toque I bought him. I bring him to the doctor, buy his prescriptions... I'm running out of savings! She recently moved and didn't tell me... hasn't told me where or with who (we exchange my son at a neutral location because I want objective witnesses - she likes to make up stories) - is it not my right to know who is living with my son??
It's like she's taking the abusive behaviour she exhibited towards me during our marriage and really letting loose now. She'll call, insult me, threaten about taking me to court to get money, and hang up on me. School, divorce, and being a single dad is stressful enough without this crap. I really hope some karma kicks in soon here.
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ruth78
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Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 31 | |
| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 12:41:12 AM | my ex earns £300 per week and i get £100 on benefits. i am not working and don't intend to until my son is in full time school.
you're totally out of order, it takes two people to make a baby it should take two people to raise the child also.
my son's father doesn't want to be in his life, he'd rather spend his money on designer clothes and alcohol, so you think this is fair do you?? that my ex pays nothing towards his son and has all his money for himself???
because i have to disagree there.
my son is being brought up in a stable home, with me, he never goes without, but i go without because i'm trying to raise him alone.
it isn't fair that a parent can up and leave and not even have to pay a single penny.
this is what the csa is there for, not that they do anything to help. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:04:11 AM | Mobibu, you know I like you, but your taking things a little too far hun.
Just because your ex seems to be a very unreasonable and selfish immature person doesnt give you the right to bash all single mothers. From what I know of Ruth she is a very respectable person. She has always portayed herself as someone who has her childs best interests at heart.
You are clearly being taken to the cleaners and your wonderful efforts at bettering yourself for the sake of your son are going unrewarded. Let me tell you, my sons ex lived rent free for two years, while I struggled with a sick child who was in and out of the hospital with no family support. He did not contribute time or income. I am always an advocate for either one. Anyways, it was completely unbalanced for 2 years, until our sons healthy finally settled and I was able to start school. About the same time his dad finally kicked him out, bc he refused to work. I am a big believer in Kharma. I think my mature handling of the situation and ability to focus on our son and not my emotional frustrations is what rewarded me in the end. His lack of efforts and irresponsibility advanced (or didnt) his situation according to his efforts. Going to school certainly isnt easy, especially when I can hope for a few hours of visitation a week at best, and thats growing less and less. I can fully relate to your motivations and challenges.
I just want you to know I feel for you, but my deadbeat ex is not representative of all men- as you prove. Your deadbeat ex is not representative of all women as ruth, and I can prove. There are good and bad apples on both sides. I think you're just projecting your anger and you should really think before you go attacking Ruth.
Hang in there, I know its not easy to juggle everything and our emotions get the best of us sometimes.
Ruth, you have my respect and will continue to. Hang in there!
 to both for putting your child first! | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:14:58 AM | Had to stick my two penneth in. If n when me and my wife split up, I would have no quarm giving her all the money I could afford to bring my daughter up.
Since my daughter was born I have been a changed man and couldn't begin to imagine not seeing her smiley or sad face, she's the light of my life and would always want the best for her.
Some people really need to think about the fact that when the son / daughter turns 18 ish, you WILL get a knock on the door so what do you say to them then? Muppets.  | |
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ruth78
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Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 34 | |
| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:30:04 AM |
Some people really need to think about the fact that when the son / daughter turns 18 ish, you WILL get a knock on the door so what do you say to them then? Muppets.
what's this supposed to mean??? a knock at the door from who??? if you mean the missing fathers/mothers then you're wrong, i doubt my sons father would ever knock at the door, he hasn't in 4 years so why would he now???
as for referring to us as muppets, why???? you haven't really said why you feel like this about single parents.
this thread was only asking about deadbeat parents and suddenly people are on here putting down single parents. we do the best job in the world for our children, it's the parents who aren't around that deserve this thrashing.
melissanicole: thanks so much for your support, money isn't everything to me, and never will be, my son is more important than that but i just wanted to get my point across that estranged parents should have to pay. my ex wanted this child as much as i did, but he's walked away and acts like my son doesn't exist. but you made some really good points in your post, so thankyou. | |
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ruth78
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Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 35 | |
| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:32:45 AM | peekyboo i think i totally misunderstood your point and after reading it again i realise you aren't attacking the single parents, you are attacking the parents who aren't around, am i right??? so sorry about that.
you're right if this is what you are saying, children will turn into adults and go find the parent they never had and they will have a million questions to ask, i wonder what the answers will be then?
i dread this day coming because i know my ex will blame me for everything, but then it's up to my son to decide who he believes!!! a long time away yet though. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:19:41 AM | my ex earned 52 thousand last year therfore he has calculated that 125 aweek is what he needs to pay and believe me it helps and i understand that that is probably even more than courts would make him pay however i would gladly give him recipts for every dime spent if we could actually pay 50-50 for this child that money barely fed my son for the first month because i was a stay at home mom with almost no income at my husbands insistance at the time that he left so pleeeze! now he cant spend time with him as he needs time to get his life together! and i have 3 jobs his money wont even pay a sitter. i cant imagine ever walking out on my son for any reason and i cant imagine believing 1 %of my income was my only obligation to him however im luckier than some i guess at least he pays something sometimes!
just needed to vent sorry | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:00:56 PM | Sorry to offend, Ruth - perhaps if I'd used a more Rogerian approach than you wouldn't have been, I don't know?
I said:
No you don't (deserve to receive money from the estranged parent) - your CHILD deserves to be raised in a good, stable environment. Being a mother or a father does not give you some arbitrary entitlement! What if you make more money than the ex?
The former (deserving to receive money) is not precluded by the latter (what you child deserves) - obviously, in your case, the satisfaction of what I've cited as being a quintessential right is facilitated by the that which I've appointed as being fallaciously so. It is perhaps a mere matter of semantics, something I'm personally quite anal about (and keenly aware) but, on the same token, it is also something that the law tends to be quite anal about.
You've extrapolated from my statements that I condone your ex's behaviour - I assure you that I do not. However, if your son's father, or any father in a seperation, for that matter, were to propose that they would not work until their child is enrolled full-time in school, you'd have to admit that making such a proposal would be ludicrous, even in this day and age - the gender bias in child rearing raises it's ugly head. I completely agree that you should not work, especially as there was likely a pre-existing intent for that arrangement before the split.
In the end, finishing my degrees lends more to my son's well being with regards to future 'maintenance payments' than the pittance the ex might squeeze out of me now. The stress of possible litigation or whatever actions she takes to try and get that pittance certainly doesn't help reach that end... I'm not a bloody Iron Man!
So, again, sorry to offend Ruth, MelissaNicole (any others)... rants combined with opinion are a volatile mixture! (and I just keep doing it... sigh)
But, it's almost like a support group, right? I get a reality check when I vent! Haha... and on a dating site where people can track down your posts. That's always been me, I guess, no skeletons in the closet - I drag 'em out and make them dance! | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:03:11 PM | | Why is it that when everybody speaks of no support ther always speaking of money i think that by the courts it should be acceptable to give cloths and toys perhaps pay a weeks daycare apposed to hand over to money each month. Like i've said i raise my son on my own the mother dosn't see him or givin my son anything she was nothing more than an incubator for nine month. But if for some way the tables were turned and she had custody i wouldn't trust her with a dime and wouldn't, get her one either i would do as i said and pay for this and that totaling an amout that i found fit. And i think more people should ask for that instead. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:28:48 PM | | My original offer to the ex was essentially just that. Clothes, supplies, medicine - a rent cheque cut to her landlord; I can't help what she does with her money, but I'd like to have some say with what gets done with mine (if the money actually exists!) Yea... no dice. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 4:34:02 PM | i want to vent a little here. i wonder if the non costodial parent actually realizes
how much money it takes to raise a child. i'm sure that the ones raising kids can confirm that it is stagerring. i have a 12 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. today i recieived 52 dollars in child support for the first time in over a year. the ''father'' disappears for years, months, days at a time and always blames other people and his bad hand dealt in life. i haven't heard from him in over a year and received a card yesterday from him proclaiming love for us. he is known to do this through the years and always writes with an undertone of ''victim''. he also wanted to know where every penny of his measly child support went. duh.......if he had to pay what i pay, his head would spin like reagan from the excorsist. i understand that there are bad parents who neglect their kids, but usually if it's bad enough as to where the kids aren't being kept up with necessities, someone will take notice i.e. school, church, family ect. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:01:27 PM | Mobibu- yes, that clears things up a lot! I knew you were a stand up guy, so I tread lightly on saying otherwise.
Morphin it- GREAT post, a very real point that non-custodial parents tend not to realize.
too_krazyca, yes, I agree that itemspurchased should be allowed to be deducted, but not for the full amount. Once a year (winter when expenses are higest) I write out a list for my ex of things our son needs. Ive yet to get a response, not even bday or xmas gifts to help lighten the stress of providing everything for the holidays. In the instance he did purchase those items, I would happily apply the cash equivelant to our CS order, if that made him feel his money was more accounted for.
Yes, if you buy clothes, pay medical, pay daycare- those should be deducted from your support amount, maybe upon providing reciepts. I think that it might get ugly if the crazy ex's deny receiving said items and CSEA (child support in US) doesnt want to deal with it, they can hardly be bothered to do the job theyre supposed to do let alone anything more.
However, there is an additional cost in food, rent, gas, and utilities that should still be shared by the non-custodial parent. So, I do think some cash income is necessary as well.
Its truly sad that people cant just be honorable and work this all out without the help of a governmental agency. Itd work out so much better for the kids in the end. No excess, but all needs being met. But there I go again in my idealist world...  | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:02:00 PM | lol - well I know how much it costs for an infant, at least...
(Tuesday after-school the day after my ex went out drinking with her friend and showed up drunk at 5am having driven 1/2 hour from the city to our little bedroom community - I'm a bit ashamed that I didn't call the police)
Me - "So, I noticed that the head lights I picked up for your sister that were in my car are gone - did you get the money she owed me for them?" ($70)
Ex - "Yep"
Me - "Well, did you put it in your account or can I put it in mine?"
Ex - "I spent it on diapers and formula"
(Two days later)
Ex - "Can you pick up some diapers, we're running out"
(the formula was an obvious lie - I would purchase cans of the powder 2 at a time because I was sick of running to the store whenever we ran out)
...so that week it was $70+cost of diapers+cost of formula+cost of food --- maybe that's not the same for everybody though?
Incidentally, I asked for the receipt (I tried to keep meticulous records - ie. budget!) but that was never produced - it wasn't the first or the last time. lol
mellisanicole - you might get a 'kick' out of this: I brought diapers to my ex once because my son seemed to constantly be in undersized diapers when I got him... she said to me, "I'm not taking these, I can do my own shopping" (!@#!!) So I said, "Fine, it's a gift, then - you can take a gift can't you"... give you 3 guesses what she did then (first 3 don't count though)
I may sound bitter, but trust me when I say I'm doing good - I brought my son into the doctor today so had him overnight last night... he woke up at 4am crying (turned out he was hungry so we had some raisins and a banana and played the "what's that?" game) - tired? sleep deprived? lots of things to do today after taking my son to the doctor... pfffft - that's a part of my heart walking around there, I'm his father first and everything else is secondary.
And ladies, please don't crucify me - I'm earnestly trying to be more specific with my rants so you know I'm not accusing anyone of anything - we're all in the same boat, one way or another... the victims by proxy where a parent has put themselves before what's best for their child! | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:41:22 PM | | Don't get me started on deadbeats cause I win hands down with my eldest daughters father. Oh yeah, guy above, no-one said deadbeats were just males. I am sure there are just as many females outthere that don't live up to being moms. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/19/2005 10:31:52 AM | I have one of those. He was paying child support up unitl Sept. 29, now I hear rumor that he's moved to Vegas w/ his girl and her parents. So here goes the waiting game again until the Texas Attorney General can catch up to him again.
But no calls, nothing since Feb of this year. Both kids birthdays, one surgery, one emergency room visit came and went and nothing. We are so better off!
Deb. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/19/2005 6:30:26 PM | ROFL Mobibu... pretty expensive.
I know youre a good guy at heart so I always cut you some slack. A single parent has a stressful life. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 11/12/2005 9:47:20 PM | I do, I have two children, my son who is 10, and my daughter who is 3. My sons father left our common law relationship when I was pregnant, and have never heard from him again. my daughters father left our common law relationship on and off for five years. Now you would think that I would get child support for my kids? Nope not a chance. My sons father cannot be found, and my daughters father isn't working, so I don't get anything from him either, and he only wants to see his daughter whenever its convenient for him, not me, on the weekends forget it, because all he does is goes out to the bars with his friends and gets drunk.
Kari | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 11/12/2005 9:59:31 PM | Yup was married for 12 yrs he cheated on me when i was six months pregnant with our fourth child kicked his ass to the curb..Actually i knocked him out clean cold with one punch when i found out i shit u not and he is 6'3....Amazing what u can do when ur angry enough,,,,,lol..he remarried had two other children with second wife and has never ever paid one dime in child support....Do i care no....I don't need a man to help me bring my babies up.....How do i know that? Because i did it......Do they have contact with him? Even though he is 3000 miles away yes usually over the computer....Have i ever stopped them from staying in touch? NO!! WHY? Because i knew one day they would figure out for themselves just what an ***hole he is with out my help....... I dont really look at him as there father to be honest more like a donour.......A father is a man who is there for there kids no matter what he never was.... just a shame it took me so long to figure that out.....
Any regrets? Hell no my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me.... | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 11/12/2005 10:09:42 PM | My ex husband is a deadbeat. He has no problem seeing the kids every second weekend. He will confirm he is working but when I got to court to get child support he quits the jobs or says that he cant get work. On Nov 14, it will be 4 years I have left him. I left with nothing. In two weeks I found a place to live and began starting my life over. A year and half later I got a great job and have been promoted twice. I finished my degree last year and by Christmas, I will be moving into my first home. I can honestly say that I never thought that I would be where I am today.
I am however, extremely dismayed that my ex husband has in 4 yrs given me $85 dollars. I had no table to eat at but was asked for a receipt for that same $85 dollars. After I got money from Social Assistance, I have $35 to my name. I'm not the type of person to do drinking and such but I made good use of every dime that I had. I was living in a one bedroom apt at the time and sleeping on a loveseat for 4 months.
I'm tired of going to court and him getting away with not working. And then 3 weeks ago, I saw him in the office building that I work and he was delivering coffee supplies. So the next week, I waiting and took pictures. The courts make it that I have to proof that he is working. I have seen him with my own two eyes on more than one occassion working. In a truck that I was able to get the license plate number. He just says no or works under the table. How fair is that??? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 11/12/2005 11:38:31 PM | ME ME MEEEE.... can I join?? lol...my babys daddy is a total dead beat...and I never thought it would be this way, but, suprise suprise it is!!!
I've givin up on him for now...but I hope for the sake of my daughter that he smartens up, and plays a part in her life...... | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 11/13/2005 3:22:11 AM | | I have a child - a beautiful little 4 year old daughter. Her "father" has seen her once in her little life, when she was 3 months old, for about 10 minutes. Never heard from him again, not even sure where he lives. | |
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