| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 4:06:25 PM | if there's one thing this site is good for, it's for people making blanket generalized statements about someone or something...
sigh.....
I agree with all the people who pointed out that sometimes a marriage is LONG over before it actually ends... not everyone who's recently out of a relationship is a nutjob and needs to be alone for a long time.
Some people heal faster than others and deal with their crap faster. Some people who are recently split from a long-term relationship are BETTER off than some of the rest of us. Because they can look back on past problems and mistakes and LEARN from them. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 4:14:54 PM | ^^thank you.  also... is it only separated men that you other girls won't date... or is it anyone just out of a long-term relationship?
Shouldn't you judge someone on who they actually are and get to know them? Separations can last for a long time, and who are we to judge when someone's ready or not??
Does the divorce mean they are ready? Or do you not date divorced men either? | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 4:23:48 PM | onecoolchick That's all totally valid points. I agree and maybe I worded my post a little too strongly or not totally correctly. Nothing is ever cut and dry with relationships and people. It does depend on the person and the situation and maybe my post was worded strongly because all my experiences were terribly negative and I got burned by every one. I will be absolutely honest to say that I tend to shy away from men who are either separated or recently divorced. Doesn't mean I don't talk to them or have never dated them.
I've been there my first marriage ended in divorce and we were separated the last time for a year and a half. Right or wrong, people do tend to go by whatever their own personal experiences have been. I've had a rare occasion 2 I think where men were hesitant to date or get to know me because I'm a widow, for nearly 14 years. We talk about it and I'm very upfront about it, so if there's hesitation, personally I just say thanks but I'd rather both of us move on. I don't want to start seeing someone who has reservations about that. This is just my experience, I'm not even attempting to generalize or make judgements about any group of people. I can and only do speak of my own experience. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:01:53 PM | I have been separated for 5 years trying to get a divorce for 4 years my ex won't sign, even moved out of state and the funny part about that he left me, wanted to come back after 6 months NOT!!!! I believe you should wait until your heart heals and your able to forgive them. Ladies and Gents do take your time!
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:11:56 PM | | Just out of curiosity, coolchick, I wonder if you have any experiences to share of a time when you dated someone who had just come out of a marriage or ltr? And if so, what were YOU looking for at the time? A relationship, or just a fun dating deal? Please don't read this wrong, I think you had some good points, and am just wondering. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:27:13 PM | I've currently just started dating someone who is separated.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met so far.... I don't expect that to change... however, he and I have discussed the fact he is currently separated and all the risks/consequences that go along with it. He's not at all bitter, and he was in a marriage that ended emotionally a long time ago.
Reading this thread made him feel really badly, and that wasn't okay with me.... hence the 'heatedness' in my posts. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:45:03 PM | Look, its this simple people. I've never been married (engaged to a tramp who was using me but thats a different forum I imagine, lol) but its like this...
Its a personal feeling thing. It has to be. I read the first post and almost fell off my chair from laughing. Saying that people who are just separated shouldn't date? Whats up with that? Everybody's different. How can you even begin to say that one person (man or woman, doesn't matter) wouldn't be ready to date 3 months after a separation? Its going to be different for everyone and I can't even understand how an outsider (none of the separatees, if thats a word) would have any say in this. So you got involved with someone who wasn't ready. GROW THE **** UP BECAUSE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT READY EITHER... TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS. GIVE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:15:57 PM |
At least they are seperated before dating....many men don't bother with that little detail.
I avoid men fresh out of marriages. Not because I have any "moral" reservations, but because I have a definite phobia of drama. I have no interest in holding his hand while he fights custody battles, visitation rights or divorce settlements. Who needs that?
True...some don't bother with mentioning they're separated...or even if actually still married ;)
I don't avoid men fresh out of marriages due to any drama; I do it because rebound relationships stink. But if I meet someone who's separated, and has already been dating, and he's still going through the divorce proceedings, child custody, etc., it doesn't bother me at all...If I care enough about him to be in a relationship with him, then I'm going to be with him through all the good *and* bad...Once all the divorce things are through and we face what life is going to throw *us* as a couple, we need to be there for each other, so why wouldn't I do that with him from the beginning? | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/19/2005 4:12:46 PM | Thanks onecoolchick for sharing that, and I hope it works out wonderfully for ya!
For comicbachelor and proliberate, I still say it's too much of an emotional investment for me from the beginning of something. If it's friends only, and develops into more, cool, but if you know your intentions are dating, well you read the thread. It just hasn't worked out for me. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/19/2005 4:36:12 PM | | onecoolchick People are only posting their opinions, if someone doesn't like reading what other people think, then why would they read that? Just curious. And I honestly said I didn't read the WHOLE thread, so maybe there were some posts that were derogatory or mean spirited. There's all sorts of people here, the mean spirited and nasty I just ignore so I don't miss the good intelligent things that are said. If you and him are getting along great, then I think everyone's happy for you both. I know I am and wish you the best of success. We all have hurdles to overcome whether we're recently divorced, separated or however it is that we're single. We're more in the same boat than not and it makes me happy to see people pairing up and finding someone special. Hope things go well. | |
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| separated men dating
Posted: 10/19/2005 4:52:10 PM | Totally agree re parameters on separated men.
My window is also two years.
I tried to find a contact with Plentyoffish, so I could complain about this. No luck so far.
Re spelling: you are spelling 'neccessarily' almost right - it does have only ONE c. | |
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| separated men dating
Posted: 10/20/2005 9:32:33 AM | my comment on the blanket generalized statements wasn't aimed at anyone in particular... I just wanted to point that out.
the thing is... there are lots of nasty people on here, but there are a lot of great people too. My only point is that since it seemed to be the over all consenus of people that separated men are horribly fuked up people - it hurt my sweetie, and he started to doubt himself... and that's not cool with me... because he is not at all bitter. I've never been married and I think I harbour a tiny amout of bitterness from being hurt by idiots in the past... or a "once bitten, twice shy" caution. Everyone has baggage, I worry about the people who say they don't.... it's the people who acknowledge their baggage and not play victim to it and work on it that are the most stable people in my experience.
He and I started as friends innocently as chat buddies (we met in the forums and we're not even in the same city) and it just developed into something more and special. And it's a risk - he's separated, I have my own problems I won't even get in to (medical) and it's a distance to boot - but it's worth it if we can take what we feel now and make it even better.
Thanks for the kind words and words of encouragement!
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| separated men dating
Posted: 10/20/2005 9:49:59 AM | | onecool It's always a risk, that's the same with everyone. We all have problems, that's the same, and most of us have been burned a bit. It's a wonderful thing to have developed feelings for someone that you're willing to take that risk for. I can relate, I've developed feelings for someone on the forums, and it's a VERY long distance.....hahaha! If you're happy and make each other feel wonderful, that's what matters. Everything else is just details. Continued happiness!! | |
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| separated men dating
Posted: 10/20/2005 9:55:43 AM | ^^ and good luck to you too!
We're actually the lucky ones... finding people that are so special we are willing to take risks for!
 cheers to us!   | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 10/20/2005 10:52:20 AM | Why do you assume that someone who is separated are waiting to decide whether they are going back to their ex? If taking space from each other and maybe learning some new ideas from new influences persuaded them to give their marriage another shot with new attitudes and committment than I would be all for that. But how is that going to happen? Watching infomercials or studying cave drawings?
I am separated over 5 years now. I am friends with my ex, but have no plans to get back together with her and never did. We were just not right for each other, simple as that. But neither one of us sees the need to fork over more money to lawyers for a divorce because neither one plans to remarry. If one of us does meet someone, we will deal with it then.
If anyone wants to limit their opportunities to meet potentially great friends, then that is their business. But if you think that every potential friendship also has to be a potential long-term relationship than those are unrealistic expectations, but ultimately short-sighted. People think that love should be unconditional but what gives them the right to expect that when they set all kind of conditions just to even meet people. Even love of friends should be unconditional. If you can't grasp that, then you will likely never be in a successful relationship of any kind. If people had the attitude that all relationships start as friendships then maybe something solid might evolve out of that.
Maybe some of the naysayers on this thread should set up some sort of certification program to determine if potential dates are emotionally and psychologically stable enough to be dating material. (Papers please)
I think MtLoopHiker is right on with his assessments. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 10:45:39 AM | As I stated in my previous posting here, I've never been married. I had a woman take an engagement ring from me JUST so she could burn through my bank account and go **** someone else.
So yes, I am bitter. But not bitter at the world or women (only the *****s that burned me). I do, however get upset when I see people complaining about something they got themselves into... example? Dating people just out of a relationship.
I said it before (and I'm sure I will at MANY other times) everybody is different... in many ways. Some people can handle going from one relationship and then 3 months later to another one. Some people look (subconsciously or not, I don't know) for people right out of a relationship. Its one of the lovely things that makes us human... it makes us different.
But just because you've had bad experiences with people straight from a relationship doesn't mean that it works like that for everyone. I mean, this is a dating website so TRY to be happy for those who've found what they, and essentially everybody here wants... LOVE. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 11:05:46 AM | By the time I physically separated from my ex, I was more than ready for my next relationship. I'd had YEARS to get ready for it, no kidding. Certainly not eager to marry again, mind you, but able to fully participate in anything from dating to a long term relationship.
It depends on how the separation happened, and whose idea it was - if it took place over time instead of suddenly, and the decision was mutual or initiated by the man, then he can be ready to move on and can be a good match for someone. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 12:45:44 PM | | I personally have been burned twice by separated men. In both cases, we were just dating for "fun".....nothing serious. However, one got back with his wife (ouch) and the other "fell in love" with someone else (so much for nothing serious). I now put it in my profile that even being separated isnt an option. They usually are not ready for a relationship - they are mostly out to get laid. And quite frankly, I dont blame them.....I just dont want to be a part of that scenario. But I still get messages and emails from separated men.....somehow thinking that their situation is different. My response is the same - "Contact me once the papers are signed." | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 1:08:40 PM | when i finally separated from my ex all of a sudden i found myself alone here at home.... with absolutely no one to talk to. Even if you didn't want to talk, you know someone is there if you want to talk. I signed up with a couple of sites just hoping to find someone to chat with on instant messenger. To feel some kind of connection to another human, even if it's just talk about what sports teams they like, and what their favorite song is.... it makes you not feel so alone when your at home by yourself. So maybe that's what recently separated people are doing too? They are just trying to see what's out there. Just because you talk to someone on IM or thru emails doesn't mean you are going to start a life-long true love relationship. Sometimes it's just making friends... JMHO  | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 1:24:31 PM | @luvrgirl609
I'm not sure I understand your post clearly...how can one get burned if they're just dating for "fun"?...I can see if one gets burned because they had emotionally invested themselves in the relationship and they ended because the other person got back with their spouse or fell for someone else, but then I don't consider being emotionally involved in a relationship only dating for "fun". I also can't see why this would keep anyone from dating someone else who's separated; they're not the same person as those previously, and putting what someone else did to one onto another isn't being fair to that new person. Are you sure you were only dating these two men for fun and not emotionally involved and wanting more than just a fun relationship with them? What's your definition of a relationship that's only for "fun"?
I also don't agree that separated people are usually out to get laid...I've seen many, male and female, who don't even want to date for quite a long time, at least a year+; and getting laid is the last thing on their minds. This also goes for those coming out of a long relationship in which they weren't married; some want to get out there and do it all, and others want nothing to do with it. Personally, I prefer if someone is separated or just out of a long relationship, that they get themselves together first, then have dated a few people, and now know what they want and don't want; then I see nothing wrong with dating them. There are risks associated with dating *anyone*; everything in life is a risk; one just has to be willing to take a risk or else live their lives without having the chance to find a great person to have a relationship with. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/2/2005 1:40:12 PM |
I hear stories about how some husbands can't "let go".
Those men are called pu$$ies!
At least most men wait to get seperated before dating other women. MOST women start dating while still in a relationship. | |
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