| |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/14/2005 5:32:02 AM | | Well some are ready to move on because they were in a unhappy relationship for so long there read to move on.This can be said about a man or a lady.If people have a problem with it right it in your profile so no one get a e-mail from these people. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/14/2005 7:34:01 AM | Passion Unlimited.....Thank you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm smart or if I just think too much. LMAO.
I agree with what you said wholeheartedly. People often shield themselves from things in order to prevent feelings of displeasure. It's only natural. I do it as well. Still, when it comes to something like dating and searching for a truly compatible partner, I don't see much sense in limiting your options too much. I understand that there are some things that people determine they cannot deal with, but I would think that choosing not to explore possibilities with someone just because they're separated would be a bit foolish. Knowing that everyone is different and every story is different, why not find out for yourself???
Oh well. I will live by my philosophy and others to theirs. There's nothing anyone can do about it. Therefore, I have to go on about my journey and accept the fact that a great woman who might click with me in every way has chosen to not bother because of the timing of my pending divorce.
LOL.Damn my ex. She's still kicking me in the teeth. 
Oh yeah, just a side note. Your words struck me as very familiar. This is almost a mirror image of my own personal ideas. My personal motto is, "No Regrets". There's a deep story involved, but a few days after my grandfather died, I had those words tattoo'd across my belly in Old English letters. What it means to me is, you live life and never look back in regret because all things, both positive and negative, are a learning experience. If you truly learn from them, there should never be any regret.
It's nice to know I'm not alone in the way I think. | |
|
| |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/14/2005 5:39:00 PM | So, ask and if you don't like their answer move on.
I remember what was going through my head when my EX left me at home with my girls. I needed to know if I was dead sexually and romantically. I needed to find out if the end of my marriage meant the end of my life in other respects. Thats why I was out looking soon after she left.
Once I got my reassurance things got back to normal. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/14/2005 8:03:11 PM | My point exactly, Phoenix, but was your reassurance found in someone who was looking for more, and was hurt when the reassurring ended? Not getting personal, but this situation is exactly what I was posting about earlier.
By the way, for some who may think I'm narrow minded in my thinking on this, I have a new fave who is separated. :) | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/14/2005 8:26:50 PM | That's awesome Simmah. Since I'm one who will likely always speak out against the idea that "SINGLE" separated people should be held to some sort of timeline, I will respond by saying.....
.....If you've allowed yourself to get to know someone who is single despite the fact that he's merely separated, than you are not as narrow minded as I would claim others who choose to cut them out of consideration all together. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/15/2005 6:40:26 AM |
My point exactly, Phoenix, but was your reassurance found in someone who was looking for more, and was hurt when the reassurring ended
No, it wasn't like that at all, thank goodness. I would have felt like a heel. Besides, I'm always very upfront and honest about where I'm at and what I am looking for.
The key is, of course, communication, especially of expectations. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/15/2005 8:33:17 AM |
Now, for bucs, Simmah, and coastergal: those are nice sentiments, but you guys gotta realize that if you substitute ANY group instead of separated people -- divorcees, widows, recent crime victims, whatever -- into the subject line, you'll find that there's just as much truth being uttered. That only leaves two possibilities: either the sentiment is not true at all, or it's true of everyone. I think it's the latter.
Seperated.. is not finished... it's not complete... it's ongoing.... everyone has different situations...... everyone has the right and need for love...
But to be on a date and hear about.... the impending divorce.... all the issues that come along with it.... isn't for me.... I'd rather meet someone that has already put it all in their past and doesn't have to bring it up all the time. I don't go on and on about my exes.. I don't compare people to my exes....
I dated someone that was seperated.... and she was a NOT so nice ex... it was a hard situation............
I have a friend that I think was ready to date but after meeting.. I knew there was NO way he was ready to date.........
They weren't bad experiences.... just experiences.... Some people are emotionally available and some aren't! | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/15/2005 3:23:51 PM | Ahh yes. That's key. Don't talk about your situation if you are separated.
I have found that women will sometimes ask, but I view this as a trap. I might say a sentence or two, but then I tell them that this is not something I want to talk about and it's certainly not why I asked for her company.
Yes, being separated means that the garbage is not over with yet, but it doesn't mean a single guy that is awaiting divorce cannot be mature enough and fair enough to himself, and the ladies he spends time with, to be out there dating like anyone else.
In fact, I would think that a separated guy that feels comfortable in dating would have a pretty grounded outlook on things. He knows what he doesn't want in a relationship because he just got out of that and he may even recognize some shortcomings of his own that may have led to his wife leaving.
An interesting note for y'all.....
While the divorce rate in America lingers around the 50% mark, it has also been documented that only (rough numbers) 20% of women get divorced dwice and the numbers are only slightly higher for men.
LMAO......Guess my point is, we separated people are staring down increased odds at success. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/16/2005 6:32:14 AM | A lot of seperated MEN and WOMEN (not all) think they are ready to date.. they are ready to move on from their past.. or their marraige was so void of affection... that they crave some attention.. Don't we all?
The problem is when.... they are NOT actually Emotionally available....
When someone passes away... Men replace and women moarn.....
There are so many things involved in divorce.... fighting over money... the kids... child support.. alimony... the dog.... the set of knives..... It's VERY emotional.....
No one wants to be someones rebound.... especially when that person is 100% ready to date... and meet someone and they are 100% emotionally available... | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 11/16/2005 8:39:55 AM | coastergal.....
I know what you're saying and I believe that you believe in your convictions. However, I think you're underestimating people as individuals.
My question to you is; what constitutes emotional availability???
This is a question some of my friends have asked me. They know I'm actively dating, but they wonder if I'm being fair to myself or the ladies I date. It's a valid question.
This is why I stated that a man has to be fair and honest with himself and those that he dates. I believe I am ready to be in a relationship. However, I'm not going to change a lot about myself to please someone else. Recognizing that there are some things about me that a woman might not be able to deal with, my philosophy basically goes like this.
I am not looking for a serious relationship. However, I want to be available for one to find me. If I start dating a lady and we click on every level, I'm all for it. Still, I'm not going to hide away just because there are some things, including my pending divorce, that others may not be able to handle.
It kinda goes both ways, don't ya think???
I don;t need emotional support. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to about things and someone that will let me vent from time to time because they know that's all that it is, but I don't need anyone to hold my hand through all of this. In fact, I have a personal responsibility outlook on it all. I got myself into this mess, I'll be the one to deal with it.
Furthermore, would it be safe to assume that emotional availability could be misunderstood as compatibility??? What if I am dating a woman that is great in every way, but she doesn't understand that I like to fish. She feels that the time I spend fishing could be time spent with her. If I'm willing to compromise and cut back on my time fishing, but she insists on my quitting it all together, isn't that just being incompatible???
I know it's not the same issue, but it really is the same when you get to the bottom line. A relationship is supposed to be about tolerance and compassion. I'd hate to think that I have all that I have to offer a woman and a special woman has all that she has to offer me, and just because I'm separated, she would rather not find this stuff out.
Sounds to me that this woman may lack the compassion necessary to be in a relationship that is more about harmony as a couple than it is about her as an individual. She's also not likely to be tolerant of the little things, like fishing, as well. LOL.
The biggest reason I feel I am emotionally available is, I care about people. I only ask that they care about me in return. This doesn't mean we can always help in every situation, but we'll do our best to do what we can.
I think that pretty well sums it up. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/9/2006 3:01:05 PM | I talked with another member from POF over the phone last night and today and his profile said he is separated, but he told me he is still living in the same house with his wife, and I assume he is still sleeping in the bed with her. To me he is NOT separated, HELLLLOOOO LOL!
All he talked about was his wife this and his wife that and about their sex life, its like TMI, too much info!! I told him if he was that unhappy, leave MOVE OUT, he said he is working on a plan to get out, YEAH RIGHT.. .WHATEVER! I doubt if he will leave his wife and he is just looking for a BOOTY Call because he told me that he hasn't had any since three weeks. OH BOO!! Hell I have not had sex for a year!!! I know TMI, but just being honest. Getting involved with a married man would only spell disaster for me because I would be the one who would get hurt, plus get cussed out by his wife and the man would blame me for the break up for his marriage. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/9/2006 3:32:19 PM | | I've noticed that men who are separated may have some issues that need to be handled first. Like for example, actually divorcing the wife. I think it's a good idea to keep things very casual and non-romantic with someone who is just recently separated, due to the battle wounds they may still have. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 2:02:42 AM | Separation is a transitional period of time for anyone. The thread describes all of the makings of a transitional relationship.
Transitional Relationships are volatile for the following reasons:
1) The person could go back to his/her spouse.
2) The person's spouse could call you a homewrecker.
3) The person could fall in love with someone else.
4) The person could just have a superficial or "just sexual" relationship.
5) A breakup of a transitional relationship could hurt worse than a divorce.
And the list goes on and on.
In any event, I had a few of these types of relationships and see them as growing times to find out who I am and what I want again. Both parties really need to be at the same place. If one is looking to get married, then stay away from a separated or separating person. It can hurt a lot.
My .03 | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 2:27:32 AM | I completely understand why someone still in separated mode would date...I was separated and living in another state for almost 2 years before my divorce papers were actually signed…however I was totally up front with every guy I went out with about it and mostly I just wanted to go on a date....be in the real world, meet real guys…..
However the separated guys who write me saying they are separated less than 5 months and are looking for long term, need to change it to “hang out’ or ‘friends’ or heck, even “intimate encounter”…but they’re just not ready to jump into a long term relationship at that point. Like someone else said, it's an automatic incompatability thing to me....but I give them credit for putting it on their profiles....at least we can't say they weren't honest about it... | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 8:32:51 AM | I luv your thoughts bucsgirl, I like how your choice is based on someone just coming out of a LTR. I think I would choose the same way.
The issue I usually have is people looking at being seperated as automatically meaning just left and carrying bagage...thats simply a bad assumption without not knowing more.
I think anyone leaving a LTR needs to take some time to learn to be themselves again, to figure out what they want and need. Perhaps you might generalize a rule that the longer the relationship was, the more time you might need...I don't know.
Being in this exact situation, I wouldn't recomend anyone leaving a LTR to start dating before 1 year has lapsed. Give yourself time. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be here either. Make friends, enjoy yourself finding new adventures and exporing them with new people. Just be fair to yourself and other....careful in letting your heart get to far ahead of you thoughts.
Just my two cents,
Bana-dito | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 9:25:57 PM |
However the separated guys who write me saying they are separated less than 5 months and are looking for long term, need to change it to “hang out’ or ‘friends’ or heck, even “intimate encounter”…
They probably don't know that they aren't ready for long term right away. I sure didn't. I thought that the fact that I valued long-term relationships and wanted to be in one, meant that I should say long term, even though hang out /friends/dating/other would have been better. I also think there's a stigma against someone my age saying "dating" or god forbid, "intimate encounter", where it might be expected of a guy in his 20s. There I go projecting again. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 10:24:34 PM | It looks as though you're looking for some prince charming to ride up to you on his steed & whisk you away to his castle while he gives you foot massages & feeds you bon bons from some silver tray & tells you how lucky he is to have found you & that he wants to be your mother's best son in law some day.
I like most of that..actually..but I am a dreamer like that..I also know from experience that when you do experience a little hermit activity..you learn more about yourself and what you really need and what you have to share with someone else. Time to reflect. Why would you want to just be with someone to be with someone?? Certainly not fair to anyone. Kind of selfish.
To the trophy case thats empty..maybe that's why it's empty? She felt like a trophy wife. Someone for you to parade around your boss and work buddies instead of your seductive, best friend. Willing to bet (a gentlemans bet) some online perhaps not literally cheating but well...I have also seen alot of married guys or recently seperated ones here at POF. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/15/2006 11:20:32 PM | | I agree-because they may go back to their "ex's" and I don't think that they should be here ,this is a SINGLES site,not a "boo hoo I'm dumped now and have been lonely for 3 days"-site. If guys/girls are recently seperated ,that's when friends come in,not a dating site where others can be hurt by a newbie.Just my thoughts! | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 3:15:36 AM | I've just discovered this site and find some of the insights available to be very valuable. And this thread shows me what an up-hill battle I have to face. Some encouragement from Synical and others, thank God.
My ex and I have persevered for years living separate lives only because of the finances, my income being unable to support two households. Avoiding raising my kids in a basement suite made putting up with the lack of a relationship seem a better choice. A recent windfall, though not the pleasant kind, now allows us to go our own ways without downgrading our lifestyle. We've split amicably without a legal battle. My lawyer said there's no need to get divorced ever, except to re-marry, if we want my ex to continue with my medical benefits and so on (which may free up her cash for tuition,etc.) We are inextricably linked for life by the fact that we have children together. But we are no longer emotionally linked and haven't been for years. I'm ready now. Separation agreements become divorce agreements almost automatically, as I understand it, so there's no "fighting" to do. I'd never bad-mouth my ex to a date for concern that they may have to interact in the future (in the course of kids visiting, for example if the date should become the next Mrs.)
Me, I'm leery of those who have reached my age without having been in a long-term relationship. I'm leery of those who are single due to death, for they may not understand how you can grow to no longer love your SO. (No offense intended. I did lunch with one girl like that, five years single.) On another site I saw a profile that says "after 10 years alone I'm now ready to bring a man into my life again." THAT'S damaged goods! (I've also seen one aged 40 with a pic from age 18. Another claiming 34 while the data shows 38. That one fails my IQ test, too.) Honesty and strength of character has a lot more to do with one's ability to carry on a lasting relationship than the legal details of the last one you were in. One profile I saw outlined a sequence of men who each lasted three months, then "changed." I'm leery of those who've been playing this internet dating game for a couple of years without finding what they are looking for. From where I sit, I think if you're still here six months from now, you're either too busy, too picky, too flawed, or enjoying being single too much. As far as I'm concerned, I've not been in a relationship since the turn of the millenium, I'm keen to start looking, and I'll know immediately when I've found the right one. I've already had lots of time to analyze my last bad choice. | |
|
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 4:35:55 AM | | If you're single too long, there must be something wrong with you; if you're not single long enough, there must be something wrong with you. What are the "best after" and "best before" dates according to all you experts out there? | |
|
| |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 7:38:26 AM | Every person is an individual and has their own circumstances. As a separated women, I have been "over" my ex for awhile. I didn't end it until I was positively sure there was nothing left within me that wanted him.
I've been separated for just over a year and will be happy to get divorced as soon as it is financially possible. | |
|
| |
Home
login 
