bwhdon
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Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 126 | |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 8:17:10 AM | | You people that are attacking a recently separated man should be the ones waking up. A man with some experiance in life has already found out that the relationship didn't work and is moving On. Not all men are crying in there beers because the marriage didn't work out and they sure aren't going to hear that they are second place in the field of the happiness of finding some one New and meaning full. If the shoe don't fit it never will! Life is to short to be sobbing over the past. And if a lady won't talk to you because you might have problems from the past , then she is probably the one that can't let go of the past and hoping what she left behide might come back. It don't take no Magical time limit on healing unless you have a problem of facing the facts of life. | |
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charm1
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Joined: 11/1/2005
Msg: 127 | |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 8:22:05 AM | Some people can start dating and it doesnt phase them, but it also depends on how? when?who? what? and where? their relationship ended. But as in the same, it always doesnt work.
I was approached by someone from another site, (he approached me, remember) we met online and he decided that he wanted to go ahead and meet me the next evening before he went home from work and before my girlfriend and I went to Dukes in Addison. He ended up going with us, we had a blast, went to Dennys and after came home. The next morning he went and got his kids and we all went swimming. The next day we all went to 6 flags (which was already planned) but him and his son went with us. A week or 2 later he told me he loved me, then another week he got scared and thats fine, but he kept coming back, not the other way around. It went like that until we finally broke up on Nov 1st. I was beginning to think that I was yoyo, I guess I was since I kept letting him back in to my heart. His to be ex realized that someone else cared for him and then she wanted him back, but even though they are still not together, Im sure she is still half running his life. We still talked up until the Wed before Thanksgiving, (but he called, emailed, IM me) then I didnt hear from him for a week and when he emailed me he had to tell me he decided to dste someone from his work. And he have argued since then about everything, because he couldnt wait for things to settle and get his divorce now supposivly he now has a BABY on the way. So either he was messing with her along time before we broke up or its not really his. Oh and right before we started dating he had just dumped some other lady. So I guess he was playing the field. Now I look back at it as a learning expierence, I wont get involved with those that are seperated, no matter how long they have been seperated. And the part of going without SEX, YOU MEN HAVE 2 HANDS, use them, dont play on someones emotions, because I love sex as much as the next but dont play on their emotions. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 10:30:51 AM | Not to get on a moral high-horse, but I'd suggest that sleeping with a guy on the first date may have more to do with the problem than the fact that he was recently separated. I've had a couple of woman friends (and many men, of course) who tell me I should just get on the "Intimate" section for a few months and work off my tension. Not my style.
I had a first date a little while ago that got as far as having my hand held (briefly.) I thought I'd go for a goodnight kiss the next time but there hasn't been one yet. What I learned from the last relationship, that took twenty years to get out of, was that finding someone who liked me enough to sleep with me blinded me when I should have let incompatability put an early end to it. Hard earned wisdom. Hope I can remember it when I next look a pretty girl in the eyes.
So is the real thread topic "recently separated men trying to get laid?" Or do I really have to walk the dogs by myself for another friggin' year or two? (And that's not a euphamism.) | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 12:01:36 PM | | My number one rule is not to date separated, but if I do, they have to have been separated at least two years. I'm pretty much gauranteed not to be the rebound gal. It also should have given them time to sort out issues. | |
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ink200
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Joined: 12/6/2005
Msg: 130 | |
| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 12:13:03 PM | | The thing not many people look at is there are just as many seperated women out here dating and that never draws notice but yet us guys get labeled for holding on. Just stop and think, if the guy is seperated then so is his wife!! It's all the same and lots of times there are reasons other than holding on that delays the divorce. I know, it's been alost 4 years for me but I'm not holding on. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 4:36:45 PM | Maybe I need the terms and program explained better. I envision sequentially meeting a number of the dozens of women who share my interests. The internet is a wonderful tool for this. One by one, we will meet, see if there's initial chemistry. More often than not, there won't be and we simply say, "Nope. Doesn't work for me. Good luck. Thanks for the dinner." But when the right one comes along, and, with a judious screening that shouldn't take many false starts, we meet some more, a couple of evenings or days per week, and see if there's potential to continue into a "relationship" where we do the wild thing and grow to be able to rely on each other and be monogamous and such. "Dating", in this scenario, means being able to provide each other company for a dinner, a movie, and so on. I feel a little gay (no offense) to have to ask male friends to accompany me to movies or concerts that my kids don't want to see. Does "dating" mean that I'm obliged to gather a little pool to draw from just so I can say I've kicked a few tires? I really don't think that's very _________what? Nice? Considerate? Moral? Necessary? I only have a couple of close male friends. Haven't time or need for more. One girl to arrange my schedule with is all I have time or heart for.
I think that being in a LTR is a normal state of being. Certainly the desirable one for me. I'd like to know someone well enough by summer that we could tent or stay in a motel comfortably together. I can't imagine feeling a bit different about it next year except that I may be getting more desperate by then, therefore less fussy and that's not to anyone's benefit. Desperation got me into the last one and I wasn't "rebounding" from anything then.
Certainly some posters here need some time to get over their anger or to get used to not being sex-driven. But those who require a two year break, I'll take with a grain of salt. That means you have taken two years or more to get over your anger or hurt or perhaps you just feel that being single is a normal state of being. For some it is. I know several people who haven't a SO, never had, see no need. Happy being free. Some are probably on this site thinking there's something wrong with them that needs fixing but they can't find anyone suitable even after being alone for two or three years. Don't worry about it. Party on. Enjoy Tibet. But don't dump on us who have something to offer just because of your bad choices or baggage. I haven't got any. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 6:37:47 PM | Stillinlimbo, your last two posts here (messages 128 and 131) are terrific -- very thoughtful, insightful and humorous.
No criticism intended at all here ---just a (hopefully) helpful suggestion that I think many on these forums could benefit from. If you break up your thoughts into reasonably short paragraphs, they are easier for the eye to follow and easier for the mind to digest efficiently. I might have skipped over your last post -- as I suspect that many tend to do when people post excessively long paragraphs -- had I not read and enjoyed the one that came before it.
That "quibble" aside, you write wittily and well. Keep up the good work, man! | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/16/2006 7:20:00 PM | Like that, you mean. This site is very informative. I may become quite chatty. Got nothing better to do for the next 102 days.
But why are people who have been unable to get a LTR going in years casting judgement on my emotional stability? Lots of good info here but this thread is like asking the NRA how best to get handguns out of American homes. Or if that's too political, like asking on the Greenpeace site for a recipe for whale. Long-term singles giving advice on how to get into a LTR. Presumably those who are now in one aren't here to give advice anymore. An earlier thread on the same subject has a girl who has dealt with several "psycho exes." Its maybe a reflection on the quality of the men chosen, not their marital status. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/17/2006 10:07:11 PM | | You know, I keep hearing this rebound thing and it really bugs me. One lady told me it was avoidance of things needing to be tended to...trying to find a place of peace in the storm instead of braving the weather...seemed sort of odd as I had always thought that defenition was a small part of the defenition of a life partner...oh well, now Im seeing that its a rebound girl, and not so much a rebound condition. The only thing that was said that I agree with was time to sort out issues...and friends help well in that process. I have been separated for three months, Im the one that left, Im not going back, and I have to wait 9 more months before I can file for a divorce. I understand your point, but are you recommending I find myself a petrie dish large enough to exist in for two years? Ridiculous. I am embracing all I can of life, kicked in the teeth by labels or not and Im going to learn as much as I can as fast as I can and work as hard as I can to get right, I know TONS of people know me very well and think very highly of me locally, Im just not used to dating. So I come here to break the ice and get frosted by comments like rebound, and issues, and ready...all of which add up to not being willing to throw in and work with a partner, or even a potential friend....its just precious. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/17/2006 11:38:43 PM | Whooops. Sorry. Let's try that without me sounding so judgemental. My point was that you've mis-diagnosed the problem. To the detriment of people like me. Its like saying Chyslers are crap because their engines blow up without considering that you've never changed the oil. (They're crap because of the transmissions, though).
I can't say for sure that I'd say no to intimacy on the first date but I'd sure go home and reflect later about how it was influencing my judgement. To Charm1 , I say meeting the kids the next day and so on was reckless and has nothing to do with HIS emotional vulnerability. Sounds like he wa just an all round jerk.
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After the great first date that I allude to in my profile, I had plans for dates two and three right away, like over the following month. And at that, I cautioned that I was feeling like a budgie out of its cage for the first time, fluttering against the ceiling and banging into walls. We agreed that it was funny to watch me doing it as long as we recognized the symptom. In the end, my room-mate situation was agreed to be a stopper, so that's on hold, hopefully temporarily. But my point is that I thought that was a reasonable pace for developing a relationship 25 years ago and I think that's still a time-line that works for me.
And there's no reason why I can't find Mrs. Right on my third date any more than my thirtieth. As I also said, I'd be suspicious of someone who has gotten as far as their thirtieth. I know I'm wonderful but I'm not that unique.
There's another thread on how long the "buzz" lasts. Two years, they say. So did our initial poster reach that stage and someone found there was nothing left without the "buzz?" I've already proven to myself and those around me that I know about commitment through thick and thin. Sometimes that's just not enough. I also know that "flowers for no reason" is more than just a catchy profile phrase even ten years into it. (I still wish I had someone to buy them for everytime I walk through Safeway but I was told it was a waste of time a year ago.) | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/18/2006 9:33:05 AM | | I am just put off by the whole thing, I mean if you dont want to deal with separated men then leave us alone no? I dont understand why it is that after a long long time of being in a battered condition and finally getting nerve enough to walk out, not to mention watch her turn and do that to my son while Im not there to throw myself in between them anymore, now to come here and try to find FRIENDSHIP and get battered is outrageous to me. It doesnt seem to matter what you say or do, you get treated like a lying scumbag cheater looking for a cheap lay, or a dillusional misfit who will shapeshift into anything to fit in. Who has the right to do that after looking at a profile or even after reading into a few emails and missing the point of contact entirely? But it seems like everybody gets a pass because we have failed relationships stamped on our foreheads. The question itself is offensive...whats with blonde women online dating??? whats with ugly women online dating??? would anyone be proud to post either of those questions? but somehow some woman thinks she deserves a trophy because she speaks her mind about a group of men many of whom she knows nothing about. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/18/2006 11:06:21 AM | | +1 separated44. There are too many gender-bashing threads here as it is. One day, I'm going to go through them and see whether there are more menarepigs or more womenarepigs threads. I'm just curious, but not really in a rush. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/18/2006 3:44:51 PM | At least I know that Im not alone in the opinion, you'd think I was a leper sometimes the way I get treated...and all the time Im making it clear I just want some friends...thats the worst part of it...how in the world do you think you are ever going to manage a long term relationship if you cant manage a friendship that might be difficult to negotiate at times...I just think its naive and a tad silly to think you can pull one off but not the other.
Thats NOT to say I blame women for avoiding me, by the way. I get that and I appreciate their judgement, at least THOSE women understand what they are doing. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/22/2006 11:34:34 PM | Well I'm happy to report that not everyone is in agreement with the initial posting. If you're waiting for me to be here two years from now, you'll be left with those who do need two years to heal. Not me. Even with my crap profile, my mailbox is full and I'm doing fine. Feel like a rump roast in a shark tank. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 8:04:59 AM | Best way to get over a lost love is to move on. I agree... I don't want someone who is mixed up and just "separated" but really.... when is the best time to meet someone?
Annie | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 9:13:01 AM | I don't agree at all. Have you ever gotten divorced? I don't care where you live, it's not an overnight process, unless your like Britney Spears or something. In some states, your required to be seperated for a certain length of time.
I've been seperated for a little over 7 months. Was ready to get out over a year ago. I stuck in there for my son. For the most part, I would date for fun, but never for anything serious. But that's just me. However, I dont think someone can tell someone else wether they are ready or not, unless you got some degree in phsychology(sp). | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 1:01:10 PM | Just some thoughts:
Do people that have been seeing the same two or three guys or gals for 10 or 12 years, when they decide to date someone else to find a long term relationship, should they put up "separated?"
Those with kids, how can you ever be divorced, really, seriously?
How is it we can talk about morals and integrity when married people all take an oath before God then think we can weasel out of it in an attorney's office? Does that make attorney's divine?
I have known couples who got a divorce 6 years ago and still come and go with each other while dating others. Sick? Maybe.
One part of the Bible says that if a man divorce his wife he causeth her to commit adultery. That's from the same book of rules we are still using to define the term.
I can't stand people generalizing and I can't stand people pigeonholing (quickly sorting people into a few set categories).
I haven't had any different online experiences being divorced than I did being "separated." | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 2:05:38 PM | Well, firstly, I would have the respect for others opinions of themselves. You don't know for how long they have been seperated emotionally.
Secondly, I remember what dating was all about when my EX wife left me to care for my 2 daughters (I loved being with my kids BTW). It was very important to me to reassure myself that my love and sex lives were not gone forever - that I was still attractive to the other sex and had a future with someone else. Over the past few years I have heard others say something similar.
As for the OP's choices, by all means don't date anyone like that. Explain gently and respectivly if you need to. But throwing crap into someone's face isn't charitable no matter how right you may feel you are.
Men are people too you know. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 2:12:42 PM |
What I learned from the last relationship, that took twenty years to get out of, was that finding someone who liked me enough to sleep with me blinded me when I should have let incompatability put an early end to it. Hard earned wisdom. Hope I can remember it when I next look a pretty girl in the eyes.
AMEN Brother! I honestly believe that for most mature men sex has a strong emotional content - in fact its essential for men in monogamous relationship. Women seem to be able to feel close in different ways and with girlfriends as well as men. But for us men we need to be physically close and to please the one we love in bed to feel emotionally connected. Of course thats doesn't agree with the man-hating attitudes out there in society today.
Love + Sex + Commitment = Long and Happy Life. | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 2:29:19 PM | George Strait said it "You don't know where you're going t'il you know where you're at" I believe that recent separation from a serious committed relationship whether marriage or otherwise entails going thru that burdensome rollercoaster grief process...one step forward...two steps back etc etc. I don't ever want to go thru that again and I have empathy towards those who are.....and I try to be gentle when responding to these fellows because sometimes they are hurting so much.....BUT....accepting and understanding where someone is at does not mean accepting that person into your life.   | |
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| What's with recently separated men online dating?
Posted: 1/26/2006 3:28:47 PM | So what's your "relationship-o-meter" for determining that?
I believe that there is none.
Being in love is like going outside to see what kind of day it is. If it's raining, you get wet. If it's cold, you freeze. If it's sunny and warm and a blue sky, you feel that ON YOUR SKIN AND IN YOUR HEART. But no amount of staying safe inside, looking out the window through the curtains will do.
How prove he or she loves also, except that it occurs, a remote chance on which you stake
your entire being?
We get tired of going through this dying and trying to be born again. Some only manage it once.
But barter for the Indians was a means of sustenance. (There are records).
Anyone ever hear of Robert Creeley? | |
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