| Polyamory
Posted: 4/24/2006 10:12:59 AM | I wouldnt be able to do it, I'd get to effing jealous!  | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/24/2006 10:52:20 AM | Dear Homeatnite
To quote Frank Sinatra
Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
So Yes I believe in and need love. But I still question whether I need it like I need caffeine, (because it is adictive), or like I need to eat, (because it feeds me soul). When I figure out the answer I will let you know. In the mean time, I just question it.
Dave | |
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Ms Ali
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Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 128 | |
| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 9:35:45 AM | Dave, can you imagine a world without people? Can you imagine how your soul would shrivel?
I believe 100% that people in our lives is a simple form of love which feeds our soul. You know, love of a brother, father, friend etc.... Now the fact that we are searching for that someone special, just means we are looking for a special love, which in your words, 'feeds your soul'. Without feeding our soul, what is the point in living?
Alison | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 10:23:04 AM |
Cuteandreal,
You asked me, why I ask about polyamory, and here is your answer.
It is not something that I am trying as I am not in a relationship. I was asking because I wanted to open my mind to new things. There are so many topics that are mindless, so I thought I would start one that would challenge peoples stereotypical way of thinking.
So, Cuteandreal, you are right, there will be people that freak out, but at least it gives us all something new to consider.
Would I ever attempt a polyamorous relationship? .........perhaps!
Now its my turn to ask you something. What was your reasoning for you questioning?
Alison
Okay Alison,
Perhaps I was just in a mood where I was irritated by close minded people on the day that I wrote that. Sorry about that!
I would recommend reading the book "ethical slut".
I have been in polyamorous relationships in the past but I am finding that I am quite monogamous these days and I am looking for a "regular" relationship.
However, when I began my foray into the poly world I said to myself that whether it turned out to be for me or not I would learn ALOT about myself and what I needed to be happy in a relationship. I was absolutely right. Here is what I learned...
1. I have never been a particularly a particularly jealous person but I learned exactly what jealousy was and how to use it to your advantage in a relationship.
2. I also learned how to really love your partner and create an environment of TRUE openess and trust.
3. It has allowed me to wrap my head around unconventional relationships that do not fall into the monogamous 1 man + 1 woman or even the V poly triad. It has allowed me to expand my perspective and not try to fit all of my relationships into neatly defined categories. We can make up our own rules.
4. IT has forced me to examine the boundaries and rules of each relationship without just assuming things (such as we've had sex therefore you should automatically know that you can't sleep with others). Everything must be discussed.
How's that for an answer? | |
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Ms Ali
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Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 130 | |
| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 3:10:29 PM | Cuteandreal,
Thankyou for such an honest answer, and a HUGE pat on the back for venturing the unknown AND turning it to your advantage.
I am at what you can call some 'awakenings' with me as a woman and what I want out of life, whether it is sexual, spiritual, physical and emotional. I realise how conditioned I have been into being a woman, that has sex the way we are brainwashed to have sex. Take films for example, its and in out job.........who benefits from sex like this? Men? Yes. Me? No. For me a large proportion of sex has actually NOTHING to do with penetration. I could easily make love with just having a massage for example. Why is society so one tunnel visioned that we have to do it the mans way? Also how much is it the womans fault because we dont open our mouths? How much of it, is it because woman are so brainwashed they dont realise there is another way?
I watched a programme last night on the woman feminists of the 70's and what lengths they went to, to discover who they were. They even eliminated men from their lives. They got rid of books written by men and so on and so on. It has got me thinking. What would I need to do in my life, to discover what I want without all the outside world male infuences. I do believe that men dictate a lot, and woman succumb to men, and put men before themselves for a HUGE majority. I want to know what is right for me. I want to explore everything with out dictatorship. I am tired of living by 'the rules'. I am tired of trying to fit a certain mould. I am tired and warn out BUT my eyes are widening. I want to know how brain washed I really am. How much am I not seeing?
I no longer want to perform to societies rituals. I now want my own rituals, NOT someone elses.
Lets see where this takes me.
Do you have any ideas or thoughts on what I have said. Any opinions are welcome. I am happy to talk in depth about this if you are. You seem to have explored a world where rules are yours to own, and no one elses?
I am also interested to know how did you turn your jealousy into your advantage?
Maybe you could tell me a bit about your true openess that you shared?
Also would you venture polyamory again?
Alison | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 5:32:20 PM | Alison,
If you send me your e-mail address I'd be happy to send you a reply! | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 7:14:01 PM |
It is painfully obvious that you have not taken the time to learn anything about this beautiful lifestyle before casting hasty judgements on it.
I think I know everything I need to know about it.
Besides, I'm having trouble just finding one person.
Who cares what I think about this anyway? I don't even know why I went off on it. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/26/2006 7:51:22 PM | I would also highly recommend the book "ethical slut" (as mentioned above), even for folks who would never care to venture beyond conventional monogamous relationships.
So many questions here in the forum deal with the kind of (often unspoken, sometimes conflicting) expectations we have of each other in love relationships. While the book deals primarily with non-monogamous relationships, the communication skills required remain much the same.
And the issues that come up (other than sexual exclusivity) are quite similar, i.e., how much time will we spend together (and are Saturday nights reserved?), will we socialize with each other's friends and family, do we pick up each other's dry-cleaning, do we holiday together, swap keys, provide emotional support, consult before getting a mohawk, etc., etc.
"Ethical Slut" is intelligent, warm and funny. I love it. And I enjoyed the discussion above. Thanks.
od | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/27/2006 7:24:44 AM | Ethical Slut? Back in my clubing days I called myself a psychological slut, because I would mind f**k anyone who messed with me or my friends in any way. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/27/2006 7:34:09 AM | Whos the author of ethical slut?
I'd be interested in the read.
I suppose I could google it. lol.
OP-I think with anything, it comes down to doing what works for each individual.
If we live pidgeon holed into how society tells us our relationships "should" be, we might find ourselves very unhappy.
What works for one, will not work for another.
Apparently Im told.. this is one more title I must add to my resume. BARF. | |
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Ms Ali
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Joined: 4/2/2005
Msg: 136 | |
| Polyamory
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:58:17 AM | CuteandReal,
I have tried to send you my e-mail address via your personal messages in here, but could not send you one because of your selected criteria. I don't wish to leave my e-mail details posted in this forum........ any ideas?
Alison | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/30/2006 8:06:16 AM | Ms Ali,
Another primer for poly is Love Without Limits by psychologist Dr. Debra Annapol. It has some things about working through jealousy to advance yourself to a state of unconditional love.
Another discussion of this is:
Jealousy and the Abyss
by William Pennell Rock
From the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 23, No. 2, Spring 1983, 70-84
Copyright ©1983 by the Association for Humanistic Psychology
Reprinted by permission of the author at www.PlanetWaves.net
Sorry, I don't know its current status at that site. You may have to track it down. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/30/2006 9:32:08 AM | | My wife loves to watch me have sex with another woman but has no interest in women. She gets a little jealous sometimes but hot sex usually releives. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/30/2006 9:33:38 AM | | I know many in poly relationships. It works beautifully for some. For me, I'm much too territorial. I don't share my man or my shoes. BUT, I don't think my preferences are for everyone. My personal experiences with those in poly situations are all positive, from the outside looking in, of course. How to mesh more than one partner into a household is a mystery to me, but all things are possible. I love women ~ who they are, their individualistic beauty, etc., but there is no way that I could co-habitate with one. One interesting observation on my part, the trust and honesty level of those relationships seems key ~ no lies, no games, no guessing what the "roles" are....it seems to be quite open on many levels. I do wonder at times, however, if the initial "sister" is manipulated into poly, I have NO proof of that, but I do wonder if the fear of losing him is a catalyst for some women who do agree to such arrangements ?????? | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 12:59:32 PM | Ms. Ali,
I've removed my criteria... | |
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Dru
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Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 141 | |
| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 2:37:53 PM | By the sounds of it, most of the population under 30 are polyamours. Basically it sounds like your a player with multiple partners but you don't lie to get your multiple players. So I would have to say if your an honest guy like myself that tells girls, "hey i'm not looking for an exclusive relationship" but at the same time you have many aspects of a relationship, then your polyamory.
This is kind of redundant and a long winded explaination of just telling the girl the damned truth lol. I would kind of call it being a slut with ethics.
But i'm not soley into these relationships, if the right girl comes around, damn right i'm gonna want it to be exclusive, i'm just gonna do my best not to hurt anyones feelings until she comes along. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 6:28:57 PM |
By the sounds of it, most of the population under 30 are polyamours
I highly doubt that. I've never known a woman who wanted to share a man with someone else. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 6:48:38 PM |
By the sounds of it, most of the population under 30 are polyamours. actually most people who practice polyamoury are older. Questioning monogamy is not something that usually happens until later in life. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 8:02:00 PM | Yes I am polyamorous as well
but in my church it is referred to as polytanganaughty | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 9:44:45 PM | Alison, you might be asking this question to the wrong crowd, even though to my surprise I have seen a few very enlightened and informed posts. I do not post often, but I wanted to give you a couple of links - also, something to think about....
the intensity of the jealousy feelings that you get are inversely proportional to your self esteem....so the key is loving yourself.
...and....your partner finding someone else sexy does not make you any less sexy, or special.
http://www.polymatchmaker.com/pmm3/main.mv?Screen=MAIN
http://polyamory.tribe.net/ | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:06:15 PM | Ms Ali:
First, I must ask.......Why are you being so Vague with your "meanings" of Polomary?
Without judging,The Bottom Line is polomarists' have an inability to commit.
It is only my belief there is a huge diffrence from "loving all your children equally"....then all your "lovers" persay.
I definately know, it would not only be a "problem' with my sharing my lover..........
Moreso,.....I certainly hope HE doesn't want to share me! 
Possessivness, control, etc.with your partner(s) are not the issues here. I, for one, certainly see a connection between "Polamory and "Just-In-Case" Relationships.
"Whatever Floats Your Boat", I guess........................ | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:36:52 PM | Hunibon,
Polomary? What is this polomary? This must be something completely different and you are obviously confusing the 2 terms because you are so far off base with your views that they could not be referring to POLYAMORY, which is what we are talking about here:
" polomarists' have an inability to commit" ??? I don't think so. They are just as committed to several partners as one monogamous person is to one partner. No one has ever said that all partners have to be loved equally. That could happen, but generally there is the recognition that one has a primary which is the dominant relationship in one's life.
Polyamory is also not about "sharing" either. It is about extended opportunities to grow through your experiences with more than one partner. There does not even have to be a sexual relationship involved. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/3/2006 11:07:51 PM | Chill, Poly Pal!
So Sorry! *TYPO*.......Its "polamory".......I really think you did know that, but I'll apologize for the Typo anyway
"Ask a dozen polyamorists, you'll get thirteen different definitions"
My opinion,though, is that it is just some casual swinging.
Again, being NON-judmental
"What Ever floats your Boat"......Its just my opinion! | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/3/2006 11:30:28 PM | Well, parents can love more than one child, and so I do believe it is possible to love/desire to be with more than one partner.
At the same time, I know I'm much too jealous a person to ever allow my lover this liberty. GRRR!
But ideologically, i support of the lifestyle. Live and let live! I have no idea why this is illegal | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 5/4/2006 7:04:10 AM | "My opinion,though, is that it is just some casual swinging"
You are entitled to your opinion, and I would not deny anyone that right. What you do not have the right to do is spread misinformation, myth and hearsay in the name of opinion. I am just calling you on it that is all. Poly does not involve casual sex at all. You can think of it as fidelity between a small group of people or with more than one partner. You seem to purposely miss my point that poly relationships can be emotion based but not be sexual at all. That is well documented in the literature. Purposely and conveniently ignoring that fact to support a pre-conceived notion makes you judgemental.
Perhaps you would care to enlighten us about your research into this area that you base your opinions on. There are a lot of references and papers on the net, you could fill several binders with them, and at least 20 books debating marriage and alternative models to consider. | |
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