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Posted: 5/21/2007 7:07:19 PM | I don't like to share. I've nothing to say about what others do in their private lives, but on this subject I am immovable. | |
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Posted: 5/21/2007 7:59:20 PM | | Ok....Well,I had to look it up and guess what you all spelled it wrong...POLYGAMY-the pratice or condition of having more than one spouse. Sure ....two court case. | |
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Posted: 5/21/2007 11:03:52 PM | you need to check the dictionary for both words^^^^ The OP's topic has not been spelled incorrectly...
Polygamy- basically is to have more than one Marriage, typically seen as one man having multiple wifes.
Polyamory-participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships
Poly-amorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.
Polyamory is distinct from polygamy, being closer to a personal outlook than a predefined bonding system. It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition
Personally, I feel this philosophy works. However it's difficult to convey the philosophy to others. Freedom is what is seems and many ppl do feel it's like having your cake and eating it too. Polyamorous relationship are defined by the ppl in the relationship(s). The philosophy is for some can be quite complex. I find it good for my soul to expand and experience life with ppl I know LOVE me, weather I choose to have sex with them or not. Lots of ppl suit a polyamorous relationship, they just haven't or are unable to " wrap their head around the philosophy".
Having the feeling of absolute acceptance & freedom is a great experience. The removal of titles, boarders, labels,restrictions etc, it's empowering & freeing to govern yourself. To have a deeply loving, caring, intimate relationship that is enjoyable. Quality over quantity, Communication is of utmost importance.
Ppl not being able to grasp the philosophy do tend to overlook the fact that just because we have the philosophy of polyamory doesn't mean were out getting a new piece of ass everyday,week or month. Just because the freedom is there doesn't mean were greedy or act on it as much as possible, nor should it imply irresponsible. It's a philosophy> agree, disagree but try to concept & understand it before you judge.
On the religious side note, I feel there is no God or Divine that will cast me aside & lock the gates because I choose to Deeply LOVE more than one man my whole life and be honest and pure about it. JMHO,if this is my worst sin I be judged for.... worse case I get tossed back down here to do it all over again:P
Here is a pretty good link
http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Polyamory
jmho
HK | |
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Posted: 5/22/2007 1:28:27 AM | polyamory I just can't do, I'm an only child and wouldn't share well........
on the other had POLYANDRY........................maybe I would give that a shot!!! | |
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Posted: 5/23/2007 2:29:32 AM | snilta - Only thing I can think of is, "Why be Normal." Highly overrated, been there done that, tend to learn from my mistakes!
If it is not for you, fine, I sincerely hope you find what is for you! But why 'hate' (fag implies hate, marry a goat does not imply anything nice rather degrades further, than you mention polyamory - thus I say 'your post' = 'hate' - IMO.) another just because you don't agree with them.
It is okay to simply not agree as I see many state, that's fine, non-judgmental and is right for them. I respect them and expect them to respect me when I differ from their point of view.
HK, good post. You think people would understand the difference between Polygamy and Polyamory by now. Perhaps they do and are just being obstinate agree it is very, very difficult for many to understand because it is so different then what they are use to, change for some, is very hard (and some never will). Fortunately for those that do not want to open up and be more accepting, there are plenty of people that feel as they do. So I can respect them, but they probably cannot respect me, their loss.
In fact, snilta, you got it backwards, it is 'more normal' to want only one other person then to for most to want to share anything with more then one other. I respect you for wanting what you want, but I don't feel that you respect those that don't want to limit themselves by your sense of what is right and what is wrong. (snilta is not the only one, SORRY SNILTA for singling you out, just the one I used as an example, you others know who you are!)
HK You wrote, "Having the feeling of absolute acceptance & freedom is a great experience." and "To have a deeply loving, caring, intimate relationship that is enjoyable." Most people want this kind of love and acceptance, yet how can they expect to find it, to have it, if they are unwilling to give it. They are preventing themselves from having / finding love. People forget that they manifest what comes to them by what they think and what they say. Manifest love and you will bring love into your life! (And it is perfectly okay to manifest love for only one other...nothing wrong with that!)
Why do people look for reasons to disengage, isolate, separate, rather then join, meet and come together. And they wonder why they are having such a hard time finding a partner, a friend, and a lover. Open up and stop closing down! Look for reasons to include, it can be one thing, nobody is perfect. Guess it is easier to assume the worst, rather then ask a question and get something clarified.
Don't know why some people can't live and let live. I might not approve of what you are doing, what you think and/or what you say, but part of having Freedom, is respecting Freedom. If I don't defend your right to be free, then I probably will lose my Freedom one-day. You could call that digging your own grave. My ancestors helped earn my right to be Free, I pity the person that tries to steal it away from me, because they steal it from not only themselves, but their peers, their friends and their progeny! For that reason I must be willing to defend you, with my life, even if I do not agree with what you think and say or I do not deserve to have the freedom that was won for me by my ancestors by such a high price (sweat, blood and tears) That is a crime against Humanity!
Anyone who posts in support of anything alternative on this site, well you are very, very brave, as the great majority don't just "not agree", they usually judge - sad for them!
A couple of positive thoughts:
1) 3, 4 or more can live cheaper then 2. (Real Estate - to own, to have the 'American Dream' is harder and harder, how much easier with more incomes in the family. Legalities can be handled in all situations - that is a non-issue - Businesses and Traditional Families have been doing this for years.) I would suggest to you that the more income streams a family has, the better off they and their children will be. I personally plan to retire with multiple income streams, derived from investments of course. How much faster could 3 retire then only 2, how about 4 faster then 2, I think so! Though personally I am not sure about 4, 5, or 6 lol, might not be for me, but more power to those that can handle it! You guys and gals rock! (If you purchase "used" cars rather then "new" cars, just that one simply lifestyle change will allow you to retire 4 - 5 years sooner! Just another lifestyle choice. Imagine if you had more income streams!)
2) Having love and acceptance (unconditionally) from those in your life is wonderful! (whatever form your family takes)
3) It takes Trust, Loyalty, Love and more to even consider making a commitment to love more then one.
4) It is NOT easier, I would suggest to anyone that thinks that it is that they are not looking at it from all angles. Of course most things that are worthwhile are NOT easy! Traditional Marriage IS NOT easy! Why would anyone thinking a family unit greater then 2 would be easier is beyond me.
5) It's about LOVE not sex. Granted for me sex is so much better with LOVE, then without it. But you cannot have a family like that (poly) without love, it just won't work. (Having your cake and eating it too, lmao, that so misses the point. If you subscribe to that thought process, please go back and read #4 above. It applies to anyone that believes a Poly-type of family lacks commitment - just not true.)
6) NO cheating, by definition if you "cheat", you are "not" practicing "polyamory". Polamory is not Swinging, nor is it Polygamy, nor is it serial monogamy. If you practice serial monogamy, please practice safe sex!
7) "It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition." < - not my definition, but says allot and worth copy / pasting for others.
8) I love my mom, my dad, my sons, my daughters, but I would not want to sleep (i.e. have sex) with any of them. So I guess I can love more then just a spouse. Since I am capable of that, I am obviously capable of polyamory, does not mean I want that, but certainly I am capable of it. For those that get remarried to someone that has kids from another, can't you love them - and of course you would never sleep with them, right, RIGHT! So guess what, you are capable of loving more then one other as well. Polyamory is about LOVE, not just sex.
9) Finally, think about all the things a traditional married couple does to maintain a household and a family. The yard work, the kitchen duties, cleaning, raising children (homework, baths, reading books, school projects, extra-curricular activities, etc...), gardening and more. How many of us who have been there (married) done that (divorced) can think of situations where it would have been nice to have help, another shoulder to lean on, another brain to interpret what our partner said (to prevent a misunderstanding that led to hard feelings), another person to keep that special person company when your work (which you do for your family at least partly - right) demands that you be elsewhere. Just another set of hands, another brain, another heart, another soul. How lonely were you when your spouse traveled on business or went off to war? Where you sad 'for your partner' when you were forced to be away from them for another reason? It might not be as good as me being there but I know I would be happier knowing that you are not lonely.
A final thought:
If that additional person loves you both (you and your spouse or partner), would they not go out of their way to help your relationship flourish with each other and grow stronger?
Of course they would, as it would benefit them.
If not, perhaps they don't really love you (you and your spouse) and you both simply chose poorly? Seems with the failure of traditional marriage, many chose poorly! (I won't get into cultural changes, i.e. living to 100, instead of only 30, among many others. lol).
Cute dollandahalf, LOL, If that is what made you happy I certainly would not tell you not to go there. Best wishes...
I have a question for you and others. While Polyandry is not for me, I would be happy for you, yet by having a threesome with a lover (for her pleasure), have I not already practiced Polyandry without realizing it or does something more formal have to occur prior to it being considered Polyandry?
I read the definition twice and it seems a bit vague as to whether a 3some would constitute Polyandry. The definition stated, "...female forming a sexual union with more than one male...", which implies that sex is enough, however, my guess would be "no" as then you and others could accuse me of making the same mistake others do when they believe a menage et trois or 3some is polyamory, which of course it is not by definition as there is no statement about "love" combined with the sexual act. Perhaps the definition for Polyandry needs some work!
Since Polyandry is simply a female forming a sexual union with more than one male...at what point would your arrangement become Polyamory? Think about it, it could become Polyamory and the guys do not have to be bisexual.
Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Key words and phrase: "loving", "intimate", "with full knowledge and consent".
Wow, these definitions are great, now I know that I have experienced the 'novel idea of compersion'!
Why would anyone want to live without compersion?
Personally I would not, perhaps I should add that to my list, lmao - thanks dollandahalf, great post! | |
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Posted: 7/25/2007 2:52:58 PM | You know, I think it is one of the more fascinating things about this entire thread that it has created a perfect illustration of the ways that insecurity versus self confidence create the differences between a glass-half-full and glass-half-empty mentality.
Most of the people not interested in poly who aren't just trolling or trying to be jerks have said something along the lines of "I'm not willing to share" or "I'm not good at sharing".
Having lived in a delightful poly situation for 11 years now, there are tons of reasons it makes sense. But the selfish reason? Because I get my need met much more effectively with multiple sources for getting them met.
I think it really says something about the self esteem of the parties who only see a need to share, like they will sit at home and pout at being left out, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to not miss out on getting needs met more often.
The husband hurt his back? My other spouse can help me carry the box. My partner needs to work late? I can still enjoy dinner conversation with the spouse. My husband has to fly home to deal with family issues and I can't go? I don't have to be alone for a week because I have company here. I want a great orgasm but the hubby is too stressed to be in the mood? Hey, the other person would be happy to play. Hubby and I are having a fight? I have a free assistant to help us translate through the misunderstanding.
I have gained a phenomenal amount by way of poly, and I get to be happy when the people I love are happy, and move on as fast as possible when it isn't going to meet my needs, rather than being surprised later on that the other person snuck around to meet their needs while I was frustrated with not having mine met and denying myself. I really feel like it can set you free from so much self limitation if it is the right thing for you.
Yeah, there are a million examples of people who did it wrong. Sure, people like Koresh said they were into it. One idiot does not a movement define. And how many monogamous people do you know who can't make a relationship work for long? The statistics are actually slightly in favor of those who try poly for getting something working. It won't stay that way if more people are aware of it, just because most people are incapable of real adult relationships of any kind, poly or otherwise. But just because we know someone who failed at poly doesn't make poly any worse. We know people who fail at monogamy, and many other subjects, yet many of us still keep on with those cultural patterns, too.
Do it if it feels right to you to get more sources for meeting your needs and you don't feel you have a right to own the thoughts and actions and emotions of those you care about. Don't do it if it doesn't feel right. To each their own. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2007 3:32:42 PM | Wow... I am so happy for you.. and incredibly envious. :) | |
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Posted: 7/27/2007 2:32:05 PM | I watched an interesting documentary on the subject called "when two won't do".
Go watch it. | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 5:28:15 AM | Polyamory seems one of the most natural states in which we exist.
If we are lucky, our love relationships coincide with brilliant desire and erotic, sensual or sexual joy.
To love one person surely doesn't preclude loving another or more.
We are taught monogamy in schools and by most religions as a basis for societal control. Monogamy is not a natural state - it is learned / imposed / generally a construction from an age gone by when polyamory was potentially disruptive and promiscuity was a danger to the health of communities.
To be loved by someone who sees that loving another is no threat but a joyful natural expression of the way we truely are and should be is being truely loved. | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 7:49:26 AM | I would think it would take a very big person to be able to do this.. and I kind of admire that.. it would also take a large amount of emotional energy to be able to be loving to more than one person (being there for them and investing emotionally) Geez, sometimes it's hard to give ONE person the time, love and attention they need.
One of Robert Heinlein books has this as a premise for the future in relationships, and I found it quite refreshing... because it would take the ability to grant freedom to your partners and a lot of self-esteem.
I don't know if I am that secure, but I'm not against the idea, especially if health and procreation concerns are dealt with in a loving and responsible way.
Interesting | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 10:49:35 AM | | I'm a big fan. If I had my dream situation, it would be with a primary bi-sexual partner and longer term live-ins brought in for the both of us. Probably would prefer one at a time, but could be open to more. | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 10:56:56 AM | | I've been involved with a poly family. One woman, two guys, and they had a kid. I was dating one of the guys. In theory, it works. But you have to have very mature (mentally) and dedicated people who don't get jealous, who love each other (all of them) and you have to be willing to have a relationship with all of them and step in and take over some sort of roles of Mom (Or dad) if they have children. I like the notion and I enjoyed it while it lasted, but a lot of complications can come from these relationships. Only certain people can do it. And I'd say they have to be very aware, intelligent and non-petty folks. Which means... chances of it working? Not high. | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 3:10:05 PM | I find it shocking that this thread actually had some intelligent posts by -poly and non poly forumers. The majority was simply filled with unhelpful "I could never do that" type posts, but there is still gold if you look for it.
Alison, if you are interested in Polyamory, feel free to send me a message. I am a 21 year old male who would love to share my experiences with poly relationships.
My friend, Johnny Soporno is also another VERY notable and accredited person to speak on the subject. This guy has more lovers then I do friends. Google him!
Yours truly,
JEremy | |
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ikiera
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Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 189 | |
| Polyamory
Posted: 3/21/2008 10:04:57 PM | I am glad this post was brought forward. I've been thinking about it, coming from years of thinking that monogamy was the only way... i've recently begun almost craving living in a relationship(s) that simply devoted to understanding, loving and do what is in the best interest of the whole of the relationship... could i figure out all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that went along with it... i believe with the right people who along with myself have the willingness to put the effort to understand in.
For those that shared that they are in polyamory relationships, thanks, you describe it just like i thought it would be. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 7:14:38 AM |
The one objection I keep seeing here is jealousy. But consider the following situation. You and your spouse have children. Are you jealous over your spouse's love for your children? Is the jealousy really about love or is it about sex?
Or, is it about a sense of "entitlement" or "ownership" rooted in patriarchal traditions of male ownership over females evolving into both genders believing and fostering a sense of entitlement and ownership.
People are not property. People are free agents and their relationships exist because of a mutual desire for them to exist. Love may be present and may not be present. Love is not a prerequisite for a relationship to develop or be sustained. Relationships are also maintained by hate. They simply function in a different manner than those based on love and those based on ambiguity, or friendship.
When humans question this particular arrangement, they seem to approach it with the questio of "why"? Why are you poly? Have they asked, "Why are they monogamous?" or "Why are they asexual?"
We approach those who have a different standard, a different belief system, and a different way of being from our own as if they were somehow less than, someone to be marginalized, and looked upon with disdain and as a social pariah. Who gave anyone that right?
Don't we all want to enjoy the freedom to live our lives as we desire without being pressured to conform, explain ourselves, or justify ourselves to those who do not share our views, beliefs, practices, or way of being?
Common courtesy seems to imply that we extend the same courtesies to others that we desire ourselves.
Polyamory has been around for some time hidden below the surface of society. It is emerging and growing as an alternative form of partnering. It shall be interesting to see how it evolves. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 7:49:09 AM | When individuals refer to this only working with certain people, they are likely referring to individuals who are secure in their own skin, have developed healthy self-esteem and a healthy sense of self. They have been given or learned to become self-determining and have put away the societal dominant themes that have been imposed on individuals that define what is and is not approved as it relates to relationships as well as a myriad of other lifestyles.
As individuals become more aware of their own uniqueness and individuality, this trend toward what are now termed "alternative lifestyles" will likely increase and become much more accepted in larger social system.
Best.
ACP | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:07:19 PM | Having been involved in numerous poly relationships in the past, I can honestly say that in order to have a successful poly relationship, there are key elements that need to exist. All individuals need to be honest and communicate openly throughout the duration of the relationship.
All individuals need to have an understanding of what expectations are. If a married couple, brings in a third for casual fun, this needs to be relayed to the third coming into the relationship - and vice versa. If the third is looking for a relationship with the man only - this all needs to be discussed and negotiated. Rules need to be put in place. Abosolutely no lies, no games - only honesty will make this work.
Think of entering a poly relationship as though you were entering into a trilateral agreement. Think of it as business. Depending on the nature of the relationship, signging of a contract isn't actually a bad idea. Knowing what you want and are going to get out of the realtionship, are the key elements to a successful poly relationship.
As for myself, I'd never enter a long term poly relationship - again. I have trust issues from previous experiences, and have had my share of bad poly experiences. I've seen very few long-term poly relationships work (in the Ds lifestyle). The one thing I can stress that is most important, a primary partner needs to established before bringing in a second or third. Establish the home plate if you will, it will save you a lot of grief in the long run. | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 6:21:25 PM |
Alison, if you are interested in Polyamory, feel free to send me a message. I am a 21 year old male who would love to share my experiences with poly relationships.
Psssttt... I guess you didn't pay attention - Alison, the OP for this thread, made her last post on the site over a year and a half ago and hasn't been a member for a long time. I don't think she'll be sending you a message here.  | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/13/2008 3:38:50 PM | | i think a poly relationship is diffrent for every one im a master with 2 247 slaves is that not poly god has nothing 2 do with it | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:50:59 PM | It can only work if both parties really want this
That is very seldom the case
I'm curious as to why you think this. I know of many relationships, my current one included, where everyone actively WANTS a polyamorous relationship.
Also, it's sometimes not a matter of "both" parties, but all parties. It can include triads, or other relationships where there is no "core couple". | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:00:08 PM |
We are taught monogamy in schools and by most religions as a basis for societal control. Monogamy is not a natural state - it is learned / imposed / generally a construction from an age gone by when polyamory was potentially disruptive and promiscuity was a danger to the health of communities.
I think that's a vast oversimplification. Poly isn't "natural" for everyone, just as monogamy isn't, same as heterosexuality is natural for some people and not for others. I think the bottom line is that people should be able to choose what sort of relationship structure works for them (and this can change with time--I've been poly for years, and while I'm currently in a poly relationship, I'm getting increasingly interested in moving in a more monogamous direction because I'm realizing that, at this point, I don't have any particular need or use for more than one involvement at a time). | |
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Posted: 4/23/2008 6:18:47 PM | | I live in a university dorm, and the person next to me often has his girlfriend over.. And i like this guy a lot cos he's been real friendly to me. And i think his girlfriend is HOT plus she's also been pretty nice to me (possibly due to the guy.. if it was just her, she prolly wouldn't have given me the time of day, but i'm just guessing). I've sometimes randomly thought/fantasized that it'd be awesome to be in a polyamorous relationship with them.. :) because i like them both very much. | |
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Posted: 4/23/2008 10:13:41 PM | | Call me insecure, I dont care. I want to be owned by the person I'm with. They are mine and I am theirs. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:25:00 PM | I actually once considered myself polyamorous. I was okay being in a porn relationship.
I think its for some people, others can't deal with sharing so it wouldn't be for them. Either way, people should do what is right for them, as long as they are protecting themselves and not harming anyone in the process.
I think a huge deal with poly is fear of someone bringing in unwanted diseases or jealous partners.
Protection and knowledge of others history is key, and if you think ur the jealous type, this may not be for you. | |
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| Polyamory
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:36:27 PM | | Okay! That was supposed to say OPEN relationship, not porn lol (blushes) | |
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