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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:41:37 PM | It seems most of you are answering this as if the question is "when is the hurt gone" - someone above said that varies depending on the people, relationship, the circumstances, etc.
But i f i were to answer that question literally, past relationships are never "gone". Hopefully you take something from them that lasts a lifetime. The hurt part - hopefully enough time will take care of that - but the experience, memories, kids and what have you will always be there. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:44:08 PM | | My spouse was diagnosed Borderline Bipolar about 4 years ago, honestly I don't know what it has been worse for me, knowing him when he wasn't treated or now that he is maskarated with so many medicines. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:27:31 PM | | It is going to take as long as it takes you to realize that you deserve and will find better. There will be triggers for years, in my experience, that remind you of your relationship, but it does get easier. Songs seem to be my trigger too. You just have to chalk it up as a learning experience. As so many people told me when my marriage ended, everything happens for a reason. It may be hard to see that reason right away, but you will. And there is something good that comes out of everything. In my situation, it was realizing the extent my friends were willing to go for me. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:38:39 PM | | Don't worry, I feel the same way as you do. i have 2 kids with someone that I still love and probably always will. I have thouth that maybe it would be a good idea for him to see the kids at his mom's house or something so that I don't have to see him when I take the kids there and drop them off and pick them up. We are in the same boat and I know how you feel - It can be gut wrenching at times. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:13:52 PM | Riffy - you'll go through a boat load of emotions, understandable. The relationship is gone (emotionally), when you no longer feel the pain, hurt, and anger. When you can evolve from this relationship with positive feelings towards her (not romantically), but more so the relationship itself, then you know you've healed. You may always have a spot in your heart for her, it would be natural. As hard as it may seem, make sure you and your ex remain on good terms, especially for the sake of your children.
You had some good times, the 2 of you brought kids into this world, that in itself is a miracle. There is no set time when you feel you will be healed, you'll just know you're healed and can move on with your life. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:14:33 PM | | When you dont have kids with them. You have to just go on with your life if he or she is not the one 4 you. It will get better with time. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:29:39 PM | I'm sorry you are hurting. The time is takes to get over someone depends on the steps you take to heal. First, you have to decide that you want to be healed. You will know when you are ready. Also, you might have to fake it until you make it. Don't sit around the house by yourself. Stay busy with family and friends. Some churches have "divorce recovery" workshops that are really helpful and there are "parents without partners" meetings where you can meet people who can share and help you.
Hope this helps. | |
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neiby
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Joined: 4/22/2008
Msg: 34 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:42:35 PM | | I think it would take a least a year, maybe two. Counseling will help a lot, especially if you get a good one who focuses on giving you pro-active tools to use. I would also HIGHLY recommend a book called The Intimate Enemy. It's out of print, but I found a used copy recently at www.biblio.com. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:43:16 PM | Riffy,
I'm sorry to read what you have gone through, it totally sucks. It does happen sometimes in a relationship where the other party just wakes up and suddenly no longer wants you in their life. I have been through this and I'll tell you what was told to me years ago. You are in morning. Yes, morning.. the death of a seriouse relationship and you will/are going through what others do when we loose someone close and dear to our lives. Your body will miss them and so will your mind. I'm sorry for that, but try this..
Do something new, go places that you two have never been. Join groups or clubs that she and you had never done before. Do anything! But, as long as you do! You sound like an amazing person and you do have to realize that because you two have kids together, you will still be, on some level, apart of each others lives. But, now it is all about the kids and no longer you two.
True time will heal all wounds, but when you are WAITING for time to heal vs. Doing things in time, you will recover much quicker and stronger. This way you do not fall into total depression. Try not to go down the dreadful road of becoming depressed and not taking care of yourself thinking that it will in some way pull her back to you.. that will only repel her and maybe think that you are becoming unfit for the kids. Instead, this is time for you to focus on you.. Yes, you! Write down on a piece of paper what you want to see yourself being or doing in 5 - 10 years and begin doing it. Make a whole set of new friends, cut the cord completely. If you have mutual friends that were hers before you, then they are hers. Be that if not for you then for your kids. Remember, fake it til you make it! You will see a totally new you within 6 months. But, you have to stick to it. You are totally worth it, your kids are worth it and the future whoever is worth it. Time to return the love to yourself.
Good luck, hugs and we are all here for ya!
Isabon | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 3:57:32 PM | No one can truly say that there is a time frame for getting over the past or your ex. It takes time..... everyone is different when it comes to taking the journey to learn how to be single again, heal, find closure on what once was, making amends, moving on and stuff.
There's no real answer..... I know of maybe three people who are STILL trying to get over a 8 year relationship. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:00:30 PM | jimb77
"she is bi-polar" Come on, that says it all, bi-polar is a fancy way to say "nuts". Ticking time bomb, only a matter of time.
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That advice is disgusting jimb77. Thank god the other posters have compassion for this poor fellow. They used to call it manic depression years ago, and it's a serious illness, controled by meds.
I would think, assuming all your mental facilities are in order, that your "nuts"!
That statement was just cruel.
Bren1954 | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:05:25 PM | I have been through a similar situation. I am 2+ years on the other side of being single. I always hated when people saw me while I was totally devastated and they said " It just goes to show how deeply you Care" BOY it sure felt like a f*cking liabilty . But I wouldn't want to be any other way.
The short answer is after the first year is up it gets easier. Like other posters have said find some new activities, something to keep you busy. I however refused to drop those people who were my friends before and during our relationship. They also refused to drop me!
After 2 years I just laugh shrug my shoulder and say her loss. One bit of advice I have is keep your conversations about the kids and ONLY THE KIDS. It is too easy for those feelings to well up again if you don't set that boundary. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:12:48 PM | | People who suffer from bi-polar disorder can and do become irrational: if untreated, if the treatment they are undergoing is inneffective, or if they decide to stop taking their medication and/or self-medicate with alcohol or street drugs. There is no cure for this, and to successfully manage it can require a great deal of vigilance AND luck. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:15:18 PM | | Relationships with bipolar women are hardcore. I'm as patient as a monk and this one person tested my limits. The problem was that we had great times and great sex when she was up, but she switched moods like a faucet and it was painful trying to get through to her. And she was making things up when we argued, I used to put her in her place so easily and the way she squirmed and lied was really sad, but I was sympathetic because of her condition. She was a beauty queen, obsessed with looks and hair and clothes and I tried to bring some poetry, music, learning to her life. I kept telling her that she helped me in ways, with my confidence and energy, etc., because I was on the rebound when I met her, but she never returned the compliment. That lack of gratitude turned me off physically in the end. I lost complete interest. | |
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custis
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Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 41 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:28:30 PM | | What you are feeling is natural and there is nothing wrong with sharing it with us. Hell, you need someone to talk to. I have been there, and I know that many of the rest of us have as well. It hurts and nothing but time will take that hurt away. At least you loved someone who was probably worth loving. That makes it especially difficult. Take heart in the knowledge that the things you loved about her are probably the same things that will ensure that she is a good mother to your children. It is good that you are concentrating on them now. If you can both concentrate on what is best for the children and get along well for their sake as you go on with your separate lives, I assure you that all will eventually be well. It sounds like you handled the breakup the right way and showed maturity and understanding. Because you possess these qualities, a good woman will once again enter your life someday because good people are attracted to these qualities. Cheer up my friend, and one day when you have the chance, take a weekend and do something good for yourself. Go out and do something you have been wanting to do or devote some time to some neglected hobby that makes you happy. Time will take care of the rest. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:03:00 PM | Riffy, There is one thing I don't think anyone has said to you so far.... Breaking up can be sort of like a death in the family. When you have given yourself "totally" and find out the one you thought was going to be there for you forever is not going to be.... It clearly does hurt. It can feel like a part of you had died.... .... I have been through this again just recently. Someone came back into my life for a "short" while and the leaving this time was devistating again. Once you give yourself completely to someone the loss of that person hurts in every way. It takes as long as it takes.... no time table. I thought that after six months not seeing him I would be able to handle it.... NOT. So, we all have our hurts and scars !! Time is the real healer here !! Give it time.
Good luck to you and stay in touch with your good friends... they can help the healing process too.
Blonde
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:52:14 AM | Everyone feels loss in their own way. Six months is not very long. The feelings will linger until you are ready to let go. Don't put a time limit on it unless it's intefering in your life and you will reassess then. It's never really gone gone, as the memories you have will always be there but fade over time.
Some people are able to do this seemingly easier than others. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:49:42 PM | I think that the hurt fades with time. You can help things along by taking care of yourself, giving your energy to your children and spending time with your real friends that care about you.
Someone very smart told me to envision myself as a precious diamond, to only take myself out where I know that I will be safe, to "guard my soul" as it is precious. Once you believe that you are important and special, you'll find you're getting better.
Take each moment, each hour, each day and each week at a time. When you find yourself centered on the sadness try to snap out of it. Maybe she was not what you needed. Just maybe there is someone out there that can give what you give back? | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:54:45 PM | Gone? never.
It is part of your past. It will affect your future decisions.
Hopefully you learned something and will make better choices in the future... | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:06:05 PM | I believe the ending of a serious relationship is a death. You have to go through the stages of grieving and it is different time and sequence for everyone. But, when it gets to a point where you are apathetic and really don't care one way or the other about your ex, and you can look back on memories and look at the good ones fondly and really don't concern yourself with the bad ones, then you are on the right track to healing...
When it is something as significant as a marriage with children, I am not sure how it can every be gone completely. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:41:19 PM |
Someone give me an answer, how long is this going to take?
5-7 years... or half the length of time you were together. Whichever is greater. | |
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