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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:15:05 PM | PS Lyrical lady, if you love sex so much, you should mention it in your profile, then more guys might "get you".
fishbill, to answer your question:
"Getting me" and (get-in-me) is the whole dilemma. Most guys want to (get-in-me) without ever "getting me". And there's my paradox. Therefore, I don't put sex as an interest in my profile. Besides, if someone gets to the point where they “get me”….they’ll know this personally anyway. So posting [loves sex] as a like/dislike on my profile would be completely futile , and come to think of it, counter productive.
So thanks for the advice....but I'll pass on this one! | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:02:23 AM | Lyricallady....that was great.................
I agree..............the person needs to mentally "get" you, then you need to "get" to know one another, so that when he "gets into you"..........it is not just two strangers naked who haven't a clue.
Cluelessness doesn't cut it.
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 3:10:56 PM | | I once heard someone relay this point of view, "When sex is great, it's 10% of a relationship, when it is bad, it's everything." While not everyone seems to agree with that, I think there is some validity to it. Sexual compatibility, and the genuine pleasure of looking forward to that part of a relationship, and not being able to keep your hands off eachother (when time and circumstances are permitting) is always a good sign. If the situation is more along "meh" lines, I think there's rot in the foundation of the relationship or basic compatibility issues which lead to inevitable problems that tend to short circuit relationships. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 3:43:55 PM |
Why can't we all just be open and honest about it? This way our significant other can be prepared to seriously deal with it, and "issues" (at least in this area) will be squashed!
Personally I agree, but I also think there's a very reasonable collection of reasons as to why this doesn't happen. #1 Most women are turned off by men talking about sex, or sexual peccadillos early in a relationship. Gross Generalization I know, but it is a turn off and you see as much on profiles and in the forums. Men who do this straight out are usually put in the junk mail/ignore list arena immediately. Even if a man is relatively specific in it, just trying to flesh out where his interests are so compatibility questions are asked and answered real early would still likely get tossed into the junk mail/ignore list option immediately. I think it's a reasonable response by women who want to filter out IE oriented males, though it can also filter out decent options.
Secondly, the next problem is "when". How soon is soon enough to address these. Broaches this sort of topic is delicate business as it can turn a partner off immediately, and make said partner believe you're only after one thing even if the question is delayed and only asked after you've talked for quite a bit. How and when? And by the time any reasonable person decides that it's fine to talk about, the emotions are usually engaged anyway, and incompatibility then becomes a true issue. Now there is emotional intimacy, but "Oh no, he or she only likes it a couple times a month and I do 4 times a week" issues as well and the problems escalate.
How do we deal with this lyrical? I've got know idea. Two friends or acquaintences can talk about it with no problem, but two people getting to know eachother and developing a sense of intimacy are then dealing with the constant conflict between being up front and worrying about being off putting in doing so, or being reticent and/or prudent and not getting across the genuine compatibility and chemistry issues early so one doesn't waste their time.
I loved the thread we had about this issue because so many people were straight forward about it. Unfortunately people are never so simple as they may come across in a thread, particularly when emotions, and hormones are engaged and heavily involved.
All this being said, i get your perspective and I think your right, but as people, we can never seem to make things so simple for ourselves because genuine honesty and an open attitude are often a struggle for us, particularly in the dating scene. Too many ways to get hosed and hurt, too many ways to attract the wrong ones for us, and not attract those that match us best (whether the opposite and so like a puzzle piece, or similar enough to be like hand in glove). Oh and presumptions and assumptions inevitably arise as well, for instance at the begining I addressed how women deal with men who are far too up front too early about sex (generalizing), but men also do the same with women, attaching conceptions that are at best, wrongheaded (classifying as sluts any women who fit into a particular man's conception of such) and at worst completely wrong and erroneous, or worst of all, men can be longwinded like me.  | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 4:29:32 PM |
Even if a man is relatively specific in it, just trying to flesh out where his interests are so compatibility questions are asked and answered real early would still likely get tossed into the junk mail/ignore list option immediately. I think it's a reasonable response by women who want to filter out IE oriented males, though it can also filter out decent options.
In my experience, there is nothing that you can't talk about, if done in a respectful, considerate way. That's especially relevant to determining sexual attitudes early on.
Gross or graphic references, obviously, turn off most women. On the other hand, merely stating that one views the process of developing intimacy in a new relationship as involving "all aspects of a relationship in tandem", has yet to offend anyone, but makes the point fairly clear, about how I view the process of exploring a relationship. Women, likewise, can respond in ways, such as lyrical lady has done, which communicates a healthy sexual attitude, while remaining completely a "lady". | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 5:41:06 PM | I think physical intimacy is paramount in a loving romantic relationship. Right behind chemistry, both need to be there. So I guess that places me in the yes, yup, more, you betcha, always, category.   | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:01:38 PM | graywolfe81 said:
Personally I agree, but I also think there's a very reasonable collection of reasons as to why this doesn't happen. #1 Most women are turned off by men talking about sex, or sexual peccadillos early in a relationship. Gross Generalization I know, but it is a turn off and you see as much on profiles and in the forums. Men who do this straight out are usually put in the junk mail/ignore list arena immediately. Even if a man is relatively specific in it, just trying to flesh out where his interests are so compatibility questions are asked and answered real early would still likely get tossed into the junk mail/ignore list option immediately. I think it's a reasonable response by women who want to filter out IE oriented males, though it can also filter out decent options.
Good point. Very good point! I think it all depends on the chemistry level and in the manner in which it was presented.
Secondly, the next problem is "when". How soon is soon enough to address these. Broaches this sort of topic is delicate business as it can turn a partner off immediately, and make said partner believe you're only after one thing even if the question is delayed and only asked after you've talked for quite a bit. How and when? And by the time any reasonable person decides that it's fine to talk about, the emotions are usually engaged anyway, and incompatibility then becomes a true issue. Now there is emotional intimacy, but "Oh no, he or she only likes it a couple times a month and I do 4 times a week" issues as well and the problems escalate.
I am one to be quite open, or blunt if you will, in approaching the tough to ask questions. My responses vary, which is ok, because everyone’s entitled to be different, but I remain true to what I believe is the best approach. Straight forward, that’s me. Not everyone is going to appreciate it. But then we probably wouldn’t mesh anyway.
Timing is important…true. Somehow It doesn’t matter how much chemistry there may be between me and a guy, if he asked to sleep with me on the first date, he’s pretty much killed any chance of that ever happening period. But that’s just me. Some people are comfortable talking about these things right off, and some more reserved individuals, are never comfortable talking about it. It’s really more about finding someone that things just “flow” easily and comfortably. In any case, if they can’t talk to you about the important subjects “deal-breakers” so to speak, then eventually there will be a breakdown in communication somewhere along the line in the future too.
Compatibility is a quirky thing.
How do we deal with this lyrical? I've got know idea. Two friends or acquaintances can talk about it with no problem, but two people getting to know each other and developing a sense of intimacy are then dealing with the constant conflict between being up front and worrying about being off putting in doing so, or being reticent and/or prudent and not getting across the genuine compatibility and chemistry issues early so one doesn't waste their time.
Honey, If I had all the answers, I’d be the new Dr. Phil!!!! But seriously, just be you. That’s all you can do. Then at least when you do find that match, they’ll be liking you for who you really are. No one wants to be in love with a chameleon.
Personally, I think you’re on the right track! Just be patient, you’ll meet her , probably when you least expect it! | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:03:40 PM |
... most are happy as long as the sex continues and doesn't dwindle. But what about imtimate conversation, taking a walk and holding hands, cuddling on the couch without it leading to the bedroom each time. I have to have cuddle time ... I want him to take my hand and hold it as we walk ... I want to feel his arm around me. Yes I want all of that and I don't necessarily want him to think that physical contact like that will always immediately lead to sex. There's no doubt that the sex truly will come later. But just because I want such physical contact as well, doesn't mean I want him to jump my bones every time our bodies touch.
To me there's so much more to a relationship other than sex. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-sex, but experience this so often with men it makes me wonder..... I suppose there are some women that men are with that there might not be so much sex "later", so they feel they have to get it while they can?
Obviously some of us are more than glad to have sex with our men ... just about any time they want it ... but the fact remains, men have been pushed to the back burner so often by women (sexually) that I can fully understand that for them it might occasionally be more "urgent" for them than for us.
I personally enjoy sex so much that I can never seem to get enough, but I also thoroughly enjoy any kind of physical contact I can get with my man. Nothing makes me feel more secure than to be able to snuggle up in my man's arms and know that he wants me right there ... and if it were in his power, he'd just never let me go.
I rate sex as very important in a relationship, but the "snuggling" and "physical contact" would be a very close follower. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/9/2007 8:45:59 AM | graywolfe81 said:
When sex is great, it's 10% of a relationship, when it is bad, it's everything." While not everyone seems to agree with that, I think there is some validity to it. Sexual compatibility, and the genuine pleasure of looking forward to that part of a relationship, and not being able to keep your hands off eachother (when time and circumstances are permitting) is always a good sign. If the situation is more along "meh" lines, I think there's rot in the foundation of the relationship or basic compatibility issues which lead to inevitable problems that tend to short circuit relationships.
I have to admit, this statement struck a cord in me! I also believe that if you desire to have that closeness with someone, and that level of closeness is made unavailable to you, then what would at one time seem low on the todem pole of priorities, now becomes a "big deal"!
That compatibility thing is a doosy! !!!It can be Heaven or lend you to frustration, depending on which end of the spectrum your standing. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/9/2007 12:50:01 PM |
if you desire to have that closeness with someone, and that level of closeness is made unavailable to you, then what would at one time seem low on the todem pole of priorities, now becomes a "big deal"!
A very direct and simple illustration of Maslow's needs pyramid in understanding human motivation. We respond to our "highest unmet need". A person dying of hunger, wouldn't care a whit about sex. A person who is feeling close to someone, who then denies him sex, isn't going to be able to focus on the higher levels of love, until that need is met and no longer the "focus" of being the "highest unmet need".
It's why it strikes me as ridiculous, when people talk about developing emotional intimacy "first", as if that's even really possible, with sex made unavailable in the exploration of a relationship.
I'm seriously involved. In fact, we'll be 24/7 by this weekend. We have a 100 things that we're working on as part of preparing for a life together, because those things are the immediate priority. None of them would be, though, if "first things first" in a relationship were unanswered questions. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/9/2007 1:07:48 PM | """It's why it strikes me as ridiculous, when people talk about developing emotional intimacy "first", as if that's even really possible, with sex made unavailable in the exploration of a relationship.""""
That's about the 100th time you've said that, maybe more! And when someone challenges you, you either ignore them, dismiss them, or say "in my experience" . So if thats your personal private life, it doesn't really belong in a public post. Ie words like
"..it's...ridiculous when people talk about developing emotional intimacy first". Go find me one person that's ever said that on POF. Nor does it answer the OP, which assumes you are in a relationship already not exploring one or developing one.
Well, I could go count how many men and women in this thread alone talked about "friends first" or "cuddling" or "someone to be there" but someone doesn't think those are valid. And anyone who wants to go count who says "emotional intimacy first" is welcome to0.
PS: I wouldnt keep replying if someone wouldn't keep saying over and over in almost any thread tangential to his view, that sex is more important than friendship first. As if, his theory is "common" and everyone else is the weirdo.
"""None of them would be, though, if "first things first" in a relationship were unanswered questions."""" Huh?
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 10/9/2007 3:49:56 PM | So if thats your personal private life, it doesn't really belong in a public post. Ie words like
"..it's...ridiculous when people talk about developing emotional intimacy first". Go find me one person that's ever said that on POF. Nor does it answer the OP, which assumes you are in a relationship already not exploring one or developing one.
I generally don't answer you, Bill, because you are a troll, who follows me around from post to post, wanting to get into personalities, rather than ideas or concepts. I'm not going to get into a back and forth with you now, either. You will, no doubt, have the last word. I "get it" that you have "issues" with sexuality, and that you are perfectly willing to have whatever relationship some woman is willing to have.
It's not "personal" for me, really. I'm in a relationship that suits us just fine, and before that relationship was developed, I've been very clear what sort of relationship my life experience has shown works well for me. Of course it's "my opinion". For the most part, that's what the fora are, "personal opinions" and the exchange thereof, hopefully without it getting into "personalities".
My earlier comments were directly responsive to several posts right above it, and those were all responsive to the original topic. Simply stated, to be successful, a relationship has to have a lot more to it than sex. On the other hand, if sex is "unavailable", as lyricalady put it, then it becomes the singular focus. Once sexual need in a relationship is met in a way, that brings two people closer, sex becomes less the focus, and is part of the foundation.
That's not merely my observation. It is, in fact, validated by many others, including in the fora. That being said, people do have different levels of sex drive and sexual need, and there are those who view it differently. I know that for me, and for women I've been involved with, part of the caring, sharing, and sense of "us" is predicated on the sense of "us" that is affirmed with sexual union on a frequent, and loving basis.
Just as a life observation, friends of mine whoseem to be physically affectionate with their partners, generally have a good sex life, and more often seem to have an overall contentment with their relationships. On the other hand, those who talk about sex as if it's an "issue", generally are discontent, and often are saying things suggesting that they're "looking around" for an affair, or looking to leave the relationship.
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:14:53 AM | | Sex is the single, most important factor for most romantic relationships. However, there is no right answer for all possible couples, as to how much, or what else is important. Intimate couples can share many other interests and activities, if mutually desirable, and could find the relationship meaningless without them. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:36:23 AM | | Im gonna write a book someday and it will be how sex is a bonus in the relationship after the relationship has begun meaning hense Relationship....then its up to you to bring it to the next point for long term!!!Not because the guy or gal doe not know the difference between being horney and love.Give me a break they can wait and if they cant move on or by them a toy.Real men and real women who respect their insdes dont let to many people in and on them till they know its forever and come on you can tell by the kiss if he or she is gonna be romantic in bed so hold out Its a bonus!!It make s love tru love like old times last forever .Smells of skin hair holding hands all that should be fun and if he or she cant control themselves they are not mature. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:55:09 AM | | My wife and I seperated after 5 years of sex once every 3 months and then under sufferance, no passion, cuddling or hand holding either. I ended up at the Doctors with depression as I wanted sex and could have gone elsewhere but didn't out of respect for the marriage It knocked my self-confidence and stressed me with the moral dilema. Sex is the ultimate bonding physically as well as mentaly, if it is with the one you love. without it, the bond is the same as that with a true friend or a sibbling, so yes!!!! is the answer to your question, and dont kid yourself its not,sex, passion and love are interlinked but remember sex can take be in many guises it does not have to be penetrative. You just have to show your partner they are physicaly loved as well as mentaly! | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 1/25/2008 1:09:21 PM | Sex is what defines a romantic relationship. I see profiles and forum posts stating a sense of humor is a "must have" and enjoying golf/pool/skiing and having similar political beliefs are more important so I have devised a little quiz to help people decide.
If seeing your partner laughing at your jokes means more to you than seeing a condom and a hotel room receipt in their jacket pocket then a sense of humor is more important than sex. If the joy of spending Saturday morning on the golf course with your SO overrides your disappointment of knowing they spent a few hours the night before having sex with the neighbor then shared activities are definately more important than sex. If knowing your partner voted for a different political party causes more rage than knowing they slept with your best friend then, by all means, holding similar political beliefs are more important than sex.
So, what is more important than sex, to *you*? | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 2/7/2008 7:56:45 AM | | Yes, Sex is inportant ............It the place where it all comes togeather,for a man and a woman the feeling the touching holding every nerve connected to each other. The smell. the pleasure of pleasing the other, the closeness some time it feel's like you can't get closs enough even when evey pour of you is connected to the other,to feeling the other feelings. The times move too fast to not wanting to go back to the out side world just stay there hold each love and please each other and stay connected keep evey thing else out. Oh and there is more; I could say about what is shared and how inportant it all is because we are not like the beast, this what make the relationship and this what brings it all togeather, the engery we pass between each other and share and need. any thig else is just stuff. | |
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| How Do You Rate The Importance of Sex In A Relationship
Posted: 2/7/2008 1:15:36 PM | | i could handle a relationship where it isn't based of sex...i'm looking for a relationship like that....i haven't been dating because so many focus on sex to keep one going...i don't care for it so i need a guy on the same level. | |
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