| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 7/11/2004 7:34:37 PM | Its really a 50/50 situation when you think about it.
Sure.... Your Heart will always be true to you, but your head (the one that holds the brain) can at most times play tricks on you, and like a few have said here. It could be for the best or you really don't know what you really have until its gone.
Sure.... The sex could be outstanding, but what would you really feel? Would you feel that the love is there or perhaps its the sexual drive that is making your mind judge that which you may not really be thinking.
Of course you can't limit yourself to those that are just around you. You have to consider those that are far away as well.
It could be true that the closer you are to someone the better you feel, but a lot of times its those that you can't see physically that are the ones you can depend on those most because at the end of the day.... What do you love more. That which is in front of you or the very spirit that lurks in your mind each day?
Some say Love is Complicated, but if you can undertand it then you know what is true, and what is a simple demon in disguise. You must trust yourself before you can trust anyone else because just as looks can me deceiving so can that which you believe to be LOVE!!!!
Mark Anthony Stephens | |
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 7/12/2004 2:55:01 AM | | well have had that and it worked for us. the sex thingy does get in the way now and then, but only when we are not seeing any one, are we that way any how. now I have a new one that wants to be friends. I find it hard. I would love to but, I well never am able to separate how I feel for her as I wanted to marry her. she and I are no more and not form any thing I did at all. even she says that. but to much has also happened and now I have a big trust and respect deal with her. I will say she improved on that the other night with a phone call and some admitting things but still the feeling run so deep. then again may be given a lot of time and no contact then redevelop a friendship and only that it may. but in the end are we doing it because they are friend. material or do keep them as friends hoping things can be as they once were before | |
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 8/4/2004 8:48:48 AM | " I am afraid to promise myself to this guy cuz I do love Ben "
Doesn't that kind of answer your question ? If you really love him then it's no distance at all. If you love *each other* then some compromise regarding a relocation can't be too hard to come up with. Do both of you have some pretty important career thing going on at the moment maybe ? You don't want to look back on this in a couple of years thinking 'shoulda woulda coulda' ....... | |
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 8/4/2004 4:12:00 PM | I think it depends on the level of intimacy and the individuals involved
If you view it as a purely physical act, your not the jelous type, and your relatively open about sex (so that seeing that person the next day wouldn't leave you feeling uncomfortable etc), then often I think people can remain friends.
Where that gets tricky, is when love enters the equation.. Loving a friend and having sex with that friend is very different then loving a partner, i mean complete, all consuming love and having an intimate relationship with that partner.
Funny how we can learn to hate the ones we loved the most..
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 8/6/2004 1:17:07 PM | I think it is possible but under certain conditions. Recently I met a wonderful person whom I have become friends with. I very much enjoy this persons company and I believe she enjoys mine. We have been spending alot of time together as friends and I have been loving it. WELL... We decided to have a more intimate moment a couple of nights ago. Before anything was done I explained that I wasn't sure if we should do it because i didn't want to hurt her if a relationship did not come from it. She explained to me that it was fine and, like myself, was just in need of some sexual contact. The wonderful thing about this was the fact that since she's my friend it was very comfortable and appreciated. I would do it again, and have no regrets. A good friend you care share a bed with as long as everything is laid out in advance.
Signing out from Akron
RavinDark
P.S. we ARE still friends =)) | |
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Asoka
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Joined: 7/15/2004
Msg: 31 | |
| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 8/17/2004 2:37:27 AM | "Me and my "best friend" started out sleeping together...and then we decided that we liked being friends more than the sex we were having at the time...so we were really close friends for a bout 5 months...then one night we couldn't take it anymore and had crazy sex haha...and then for 2 months after that we acted like we were a couple...sex like twice a day everyday...it was amazing. We are very close and I love him alot. But I am no longer living in the same city as him we are about a 20 hour drive from eachother...I am moving in with a guy soon and we are very interested in pursuing a relationship with eachother...but I am afraid to promise myself to this guy cuz I do love Ben (my friend) and I hold hopes that we will end up together again...and I am afraid that I won't be able to just be his friend...I kinda think there will always be that sexual tension between us...Soo my question is is it possible to remain best friends with someone that you love in a way other than friendship while in a relationship with a new guy!? And is it wrong to keep Ben as a friend while dating the new guy? "
No offense but personally I think you're fooling yourself by pretending you care more about being friends with him then being intimate.
To me it sounds like you really are madly in love with him even more then your current boyfriend and want to be with this Ben guy after all you do say you are afraid of making a commitment to your new boyfriend because of love for Ben.It is a little confusing one moment you say you really love Ben and want to be with him and even miss him and then another moment you say you just want to be friends.
I think it is one of two things either you are hiding your feelings for him because you're not sure what he wants or two you're confused and don't even know what you want yourself,but I think it is the first reason.Just my opinion.
I think if you are afraid of losing Ben,because of your new boyfriend then you need to be with Ben, if I'm correct then my suggestion is dump the new boyfriend and go get Ben before it is too late.If you don't you may regret it later.I know from my own experience because I had a similar experience.
Go by your heart don't be a fool.
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:21:48 PM | The OP writes
Me and my "best friend" started out sleeping together...and then we decided that we liked being friends more than the sex we were having at the time...so we were really close friends for a bout 5 months...then one night we couldn't take it anymore and had crazy sex haha...and then for 2 months after that we acted like we were a couple...sex like twice a day everyday...it was amazing. We are very close and I love him alot. But I am no longer living in the same city as him we are about a 20 hour drive from eachother...I am moving in with a guy soon and we are very interested in pursuing a relationship with eachother...but I am afraid to promise myself to this guy cuz I do love Ben (my friend) and I hold hopes that we will end up together again...and I am afraid that I won't be able to just be his friend...I kinda think there will always be that sexual tension between us...Soo my question is is it possible to remain best friends with someone that you love in a way other than friendship while in a relationship with a new guy!? And is it wrong to keep Ben as a friend while dating the new guy?
The short answer is 'yes,' the medium answer is, 'but it's damn hard,' but I think the answer you're looking for has little to do with the purported subject of your thread. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:40:55 PM | And is it wrong to keep Ben as a friend while dating the new guy?
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ask your new boyfriend how he feels about it. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:54:50 PM | Can you remain friends after being intimate?
yes, yes, yes! I just reecently broke up with my boyfriend for good reasons and said that it would be better if we were just friends (platonic) Of course he disagreed with me.. But, now we are friends and it is better because we understand each other more, respect each others boundaries and he knows that if he ever goes through a hard time.. he has someone to talk to and listens with her heart, me! Plus, he is treating me better and respects me more for setting a healthy boundry for myself. My advice is, if you start as friends and dont rush into bed... but really get to know someone.. then by the time you are intimate... there will be that foundation of friendship, emotional and mental communication and RESPECT. And, if after sex.. things are like 'weird' (or too many emotions surfacing.. then instead of ending it.. just go back a few steps to the place you were with each other before the intimate stuff started happening. Maybe, it was just too soon... and how* you may ask can this happen.?? Well, take some time out 'for you' and take a break...... don't stop communication.. just relax and find other stuff to do | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate? part 3
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:04:37 PM | This is an answer for the question of 'Can you remain friends after being intimate'... It's not intended for the original poster that is moving into an intimate relationship with a new man. But, if she decides not to keep the new boyfriend, and decides to go back to the other 'friend' then this would be my advice. Reguardless, don't hurt these guys, choose one | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:16:58 PM | | It sounds too much like side game is what you're trying to establish here. You'd like to keep in touch with him but he isn't serving an immediate need you have. Why move in with another guy if you're emotionally attached elsewhere. That's not fair to anyone, including yourself. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:21:01 PM | | I think you can... but you must set up very definite bondaries and stick to them for the sake of the friendship. I had the occassion to continue on a friendship level with a man who I had been intimate with. He ended up marrying a mutual friend of mine. It was difficult at first to be friends.. but.. over time and in the middle of a healthy crisis of mine.. he and the wife were tremendous helpers and friends to me. We are still very close. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:23:25 PM | | Sounds like you haven't gotten over this Ben guy, and weren't really platonic friends at all. Sounds more like you just took kind of a break from the relationship, but that break does not necessarily equate with friendship. I get the impression from your OP that you still have feelings for the guy in a romantic type of way. Hooking up with somebody else probably won't resolve anything either. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:26:51 PM | | Just take a poll of the POFs who are still friends with their ex--which seems to be posted as a laudable trait by most/many. I think they may have had physical intimacy. | |
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:53:32 PM | Yes. I am friends with all of mine. Only thing is that one of them I am not friends with and it has nothing to do with the fact that we had sex and broke it off and more to do with her being a very twisted individual. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:56:17 PM | | You can become friends with someone after been intimate if you weren't friends before. but you can't go back to be friends after been intimate with a friend. And if you love your Ben so much,why are you screwing some other guy? | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:31:43 AM | "You can become friends with someone after been intimate if you weren't friends before. but you can't go back to be friends after been intimate with a friend. And if you love your Ben so much,why are you screwing some other guy?"
This is the bit I don't get with women, it seems with some of the women I have met, they "need" the security of being loved, more than being loved by the right guy. my take on Ben, is that she loves Ben an awful lot, but somehow is more interested in keeping the chapter "Ben" in her book of great loves of her life.. It seems Ben is the world's biggest love security net right now- but personally I wouldn't want to finish second place in the love race- and she should be HONEST WITH THE GUY SHE IS WITH about it- but thats the bit many women (and occasionally guys) get extremely wrong...and in the process cause more pain than they try to avoid. | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:58:27 AM | The idea of friendship after intimacy is a very fragile, but plausible, thing.
If you ask me I'd say stick with Ben. Here's why :
In my experience, although it isn't much, I've always found myself being closer to my friends than to my partners. Reason being is because I love my friends for who they are, and I get with the partner for reasons ranging from lust to a nice hair-do. Friends are people who would give the shirt off their backs for you, talk to you when you're sad, give you a hug when you need it, defend you when you're talked bad about and - yes - drive 20 hours to see you once in a while. (Sounds like love to me..)
However, I don't doubt the fact you may have feelings for this new person. In fact they very well could be genuine and end up leading somewhere very special, but the idea of keeping Ben around [even as a friend] will be devastating - probably for all parties involved. Ben will most likely get depressed, or jealous, depending on just how he feels about you and the other guy will most likely not like how close you two are, for it will be plenty obvious that a special connection is present. Unless, of course, you try to hide it - in which case you'll eventually be caught for keeping secrets and I do believe we all know how that usually turns out.
If you love Ben, be with Ben. Otherwise you're going to regret your decision, lose your best friend, screw up your present relationship or all of the above in a fantastical free fall from cloud 9. The heart was meant to be shared with one person, and one alone. Don't try to split it up, or you could be doing a lot of damage to you, your friend and your new soon to be room-mate.
The only questions you need to ask yourself is :
1) How does Ben feel? Would it affect your decision if he wanted to try?
2) What would Ben want? Would it affect your situation if he said "You" ?
3) What do YOU want?
Ultimately... you're asking the wrong people. ;)
Good luck! | |
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| Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/24/2008 5:13:59 PM | | I have remained friends with my first love from over 20 years ago (about a 4 year relationship). We both moved on and married, had kids etc. However, what we have is not something that everyone can do (so I've been told). I think it depends on the people involved (especially the significant other in our lives). | |
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| Re: Can you remain friends after being intimate?
Posted: 5/24/2008 5:35:36 PM | Okay girlie girl - take it from a woman who knows. You said it yourself. You have strong feelings for the fella who is 20 hours away but because you want the closeness and cuddling - you're going to be with the fella who is right under your nose.....
Ask yourself - "what's wrong with this picture"? You're using the guy you're with now because you can't be with the fella you want to be with because of the distance between you. Don't hurt either of them - men have feelings too. Don't be selfish, and if you're feelings are strong for the guy who is a long distance away - go there and be with him.
Hope it all works out for you - be smart, follow your heart and don't stomp on anyone's emotion for you're own gain. Take care
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