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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 12:17:27 AM | | ok, a little twist on the OP, as someone who was recently diagnosed and started medications..... its been a few months.... when is the proper time to disclose such information... before the first date, after dating for some time, never??? just curious because i have always been a pretty much full disclosure kinda gal and this one I am struggling with | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 12:40:08 AM | I thinks tell them early on, for your emotional protection, not theirs. It would be horrible for you to really grow attached and tell them to have them decide Its not something they can deal with. And sadly the reality Is a lot of people wont. Also when you do tell them be sure to tell them the severity ect Incase yours Isnt the worst type and thats all they've heard of.
You must tell them fairly early though for yours and their emotional protection. This Is something a lot of people will not Invite Into their lifes ( relationships with Bipolar people ) and everyone can arguee that as much as they like but by the simple facts alone, surely anyone can see why If they are honest - suicide, hospitilisations, jail terms, spending sprees, affairs and the all too common walk out and Ignore the Significant other. Anyone doubting this please take the time to check out a bipolar support forum. And this Is before the emotional abuse and personality changes you need to deal with on a daily basis.
Your medicating thats fantastic, but you need to let them know the severity of the Illness and have them read up on It and understand some cases progressivly get worse as the yrs roll by. And medications do cease to work at some point more often than not.
Before anyone flames me this Is written by a person In love with someone Bipolar - so yes I know first hand the tears that are shed If you want to walk by their side. But everyone needs to understand this from the start as MANY wont take It on. Or will walk as soon as they see the true realitys leaving both parties hurt and with wasted years.
Most Importantly I feel Is to be well aware of the Illness yourself and medicate and follow docs advise. But be aware of the Illness as many arnt and dont even realise they are doing things that If they took the time to read a support forum they would see clearly Its part of the Illness - not everyone else thats out of line. Find out which form you have, be well aware of your symptoms and set off points and be honest with the other party before too much time or emotions are Invested. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 2:13:49 AM | | thank you so much, you have pretty much confirmed what I was already feeling inside about investing time and then possibly finding out it could be a deal breaker. Also I will look into those forums you mentioned, I am still learning what I can about it and how to live with it, so those should be a good source for me. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 2:28:48 AM | Msn has a good Bi polar forum - but just enter Bipolar forums on the web and you will get a lot - just find one where you feel comfortable. If you ever need to chat drop me a line more than happy to hear from you.
And be strong through It - someone who really loves you will love you as a package and the fact you are doing everything you can to keep It under control makes things a lot easier for you both. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:14:11 AM | | As a person with bipolar I have found that the "victim mentality" isn't always about the person with bipolar. I have just ended a relationship where my partner refused to see his abusive behaviors. No matter what happened in our relationship he blamed it on my bipolar. I am in treatment and take my meds faithfully. This doesn't make everything OK however. You described my relationship exactly except that all your negative behaviors describe my partner. We all have to take responsibility for our actions------when we are pointing our finger at someone there are 3-4 pointing back. Part of my tx is looking at my illness and my behaviors. Love is having compassion and supporting others we love not blaming and shaming. | |
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MandyS
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 156 | |
| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:16:42 AM | If someone is receiving treatment for bipolar and being sensible about their lifestyle and taking their medication, chances are you may rarely see any symptoms of the illness. It is only those that don't take care of themselves that have more extreme symptoms that may affect their relationships and everyday life. Even the times that are not so bad just show that person to be human and so what if they go through ups and downs - the ups can be fun and the downs just may need a few more cuddles. Give them a go. | |
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MandyS
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 157 | |
| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:20:23 AM | OK - i'm another full disclosure gal myself and diagnosed 6 years ago. I believe that after 2 or 3 dates you will know whether the other person can deal with it or not. If not, they aren't worth it. It's part of your life, for some for the rest of your life. If you don't tell them early enough, it's hiding something. Too early and you scare them off before you know them. Don't know if my theory works too well yet as i hid it for many years. Good luck. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:28:06 AM | i would have to say {run quickly}from experience as well ,i met a girl here who was bipolar. she had nothing when i met her . {go figure} she would be very nice most of the time but she wouldn't take her meds all the time. when she didn't she would say and do horrible things . by the time it was all over it was apperant she was a con artist at times and that without her meds she would do anything to hurt you. i'm telling you right now {run now before its to late . remember when there off there meds thats who they really are all they have to do is slip up a little to turn into an evil person {so to speak}
I know of several people who were diagnosed as bi polar; to be later discovered to have a wheat gluten allergy.
The designation of Bi polar itself is ambiguous at best...
A person's brain chemistry is as unique as their fingerprint, therefore...
Bi Polar differs from individual to individual...
So much so that doctors can only administer medications for its treatment by trial and error...
Just finding the correct medication is enough to be concerned about, then it becomes, how small or how large the dose, etc...
I believe every aliment we have can be traced back to the immune system.
There is definitely a way to reverse the bi-polar disorder and associated symptoms.
It lies with correcting all deficiencies and imbalances within your immune system, balancing your hormonal state, and this will then reverse the disorder completely.
This brings everything back to dollars and sense...in this case common (sense)
We have been so severely brainwashed by the pharmaceutical companies to treat symptoms of diseases, rather than address the root cause.
With the delicate balances of brain chemistry, we are all, in fact bi polar to some extent.
Some become "sicker" than others, and we rush to label them....."____________" and treat the symptoms with drugs, as we would with high blood pressure... also a great example...
I was given medication for high blood pressure once, and listened to my doctor, took as directed...I also (as I believe many do not, remarkably) learned about what the causes of hypertension were, and made appropriate changes in my diet, added exercise, learned about certain enzymes, minerals, etc...Oils...
I learned the importance of adding fish to my diet, Omega3 fatty acids. (I actually knew this already, but we don’t always do what we know is good for us all the time) Within three months my BP was normal and no need for the medication.
The same is true with Bi Polar. This is not a mental illness! This is a physical ailment! It is a very misunderstood physical ailment... And most will consider it to be a mental illness. It is not.
The symptoms are manifest as a mental disorder. But it is a physical problem, it is a
dis -ease and can be corrected.
This is not a reason to stop taking meds, but it is something to consider...work with your doctor, express to him//her your concerns...If you work on correcting the immune system deficiencies and hormonal problems, concurrent with taking the meds, I think this is the best approach | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:58:07 AM | | I dated a man with bipolar. He was mean, verbally abusive, controlling and had substance abuse problems also. He came on to me real strong in the beginning. He seemed like the perfect man. It has taken a toll on me and sucked away the energy that I could have put into my work or finding someone worthy of me. RUN--who wants to be a caretaker? | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 7:17:31 AM | I want to thank everyone who has given helpful advice on the subject and the OP for starting this topic to begin with. Things said have been very helpful and I will make use of the resources suggested.
That said.....
RUN--who wants to be a caretaker?
maam, that makes it sound like a bipolar person cannot care for oneself... or that maybe they don't deserve to have someone take care of them.... well other than to say, I do take care of myself rather well and I know exactly what I deserve in life... I really have nothing more to say. | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:45:09 AM |
I dated a man with bipolar. He was mean, verbally abusive, controlling and had substance abuse problems also. He came on to me real strong in the beginning. He seemed like the perfect man. It has taken a toll on me and sucked away the energy that I could have put into my work or finding someone worthy of me. RUN--who wants to be a caretaker?
This not only shows the lack of perspective most people have, it also shows clearly conditions we place on others to deem them acceptable. In this particular case, this poor woman is looking for perfection. She will not find it. Those conditions are not present with anyone. This world would be kind of a weird place to live if everyone was perfect, wouldn't you say...
I mentioned lack of perspective.
Obviously this man had some problems.
Clearly there was some disease present with him.
Do we really believe that this guy prefers to act out in such a manner? I would imagine he would rather be healthy. I am sure he would prefer to be both physically and emotionally well. Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t anyone?
No, it is not a requirement on our part that we put up with abuse, or any other unhealthy behavior. But what will we do if we find ourselves in relationship with a person such as this...this is a sick man.
What if instead his leg was hurt...he could not walk. Are we going to sit back and watch as he makes his way slowly down the street, crawling along, dragging his hurt leg behind him?
No you don't need to be a caregiver...there are professionals for that.
You could be a decent human being and get him in touch with someone who can help him get better.
Do you not understand we are all in this big wonderful world together, and that there really are not any accidents?
If someone is in your life that needs help, do you not see it may be that you are the one that will be able to help him?
You may be the ONLY one that will have a chance to help him...don't you realize you may be in the right place at the right time to help this man?
How would you feel if this guy, who is sick and untreated goes and becomes despondent and ends up hurting, maybe even killing himself and / or others...and you know this could have been prevented if you had only set aside your prejudice and got him some treatment?
How would you feel knowing you have turned this man's life around, simply by NOT RUNNING, but getting him to a facility where he can get treatment and recover...and then how would you feel, if this guy... who could have been DEAD, or hurt others, instead because of your help, recovered, went back to school, got involved in something worthwhile that contributed to the well being of you and other people in your life?
Maybe he contributes something to a greater number of people…or maybe, just maybe he became a loving caring productive member of society, with no particular notoriety, but there are to be sure others he will touch simply by being the best he can do and to be the best he can be. That alone should be reason enough.
Are you being the best you can be? | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 10:05:05 AM | Bill, you are so sweet - what a good heart!
I'd say though there's sometimes a fine line between hanging in there in a relationship through empathy, understanding, kindness, and love - vs.- staying in a situation with a person that is slowly destroying you. True, nobody's perfect and we all have our moments of need, but someone who has a serious, untreated problem can really wreck another person's life if they let him. It might be time to back off from a very involved position (especially if the relationship is new) and just be a friend, getting the person help as possible. Some people refuse help, refuse prescribed medication...then what??? A relationship where one person is usually taking care of the other is not a peer relationship and can be counterproductive and destructive for both people.
Aside from all that, here's a big red flag:
"He was mean, verbally abusive, controlling and had substance abuse problems also."
This is reason enough to distance yourself from a person. Abuse tends to escalate, and at very least can do the following:
"It has taken a toll on me and sucked away the energy that I could have put into my work or finding someone worthy of me."
Loving a "damaged" person (aren't we all?) is different than allowing yourself to be damaged by him/her.
Love to y'all on this beautiful day...
~Boots
(BTW - for the record, my posts on Forums are just my personal opinions, and should not be considered professional advice, counseling, or psychotherapy)  | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 1:45:53 PM | buckheadlooker:
As someone with experience with substance abuse issues, the problems you described ie: the abuse, probably stemmed more from that than from the bipolar disorder. Don't be so quick to blame the disorder for everything that went wrong. Substance abuse is a mean and evil thing and can turn people very mean and evil. Bipolar when treated properly is just another normal person who takes meds to live a normal life, much like a diabetic takes insulin.
To everyone else, Thank you for your kind words and input...
Boots very well said dear:
Loving a "damaged" person (aren't we all?) is different than allowing yourself to be damaged by him/her. | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/13/2006 7:51:57 PM | Hey, Hun -
You are some gutsy sistah!
As for disclosure, I don't agree that you should lead with that. After all, a disability is part of a person, but doesn't define him/her, does it? I would let the rest of your (considerable and wonderful) qualities be known first, then after a little while, when you feel both feel comfortable enough to let your hair down, reveal it - then the guy has a context to place it in, and it's (we hope, if he's a quality guy) not going to be the only thing he sees.
Someone who is taking meds, and doesn't have other overwhelming negative qualities (like the abusive guy that was described earlier) might find someone who is rational and accepting of it all. Anyway, don't we all hope to be lucky enough to find someone as wonderful as that?!
hugs, girlfriend! | |
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MandyS
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 166 | |
| Bipolar
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:14:13 AM | Lady you have just said what I would like to have heard amongst all those other replies. Thanks for putting in words, the way I think will work for me in future. ie: let him know me for me, and then let him know that I take meds every night just to make sure I can try to continue to be the person he first met. That way, when things do go a bit off (and they always will), maybe he will be accepting. "Dream on" some will say, and I will until I do find that person.
Thanks a million. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/14/2006 5:55:32 AM | Having been in that same situation before, my advice would be to run for the hills. Being with someone who is bipolar is like being on a neverending rollercoaster of emotions. I suppose with proper medicatons and continual counseling you may have a chance but problem is, oftentimes, they stop both. Tragic for all parties involved when that happens. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/14/2006 8:30:43 PM | I dated a gentleman with bipolar for almost 4 years.....we broke up this spring but he still wants to spend time with me......although the reason we broke up is because he kept saying I didnt understand him, and he was right.......bipolar does not affect only the person who has it but the person who is trying to be supportive as well......I only found out about the bipolar a few months ago.......and have been diving head first into knowledge about it.....we wont be able to be together anymore; due to lack of understanding on both parts. but I would love to have been able to work things out....
It is important that you know early in the relationship what you are dealing with and that it become a partnership; it belongs to both parties in a relationship......takes much work, patience, understanding, commitment and love...
The most important thing I think that makes a partnership with a bipolar individual successful is that their partner has to be so confident of themselves that they arent affected when they are put down or intimidated.....bipolar can make a person do that to their partner....not intentionally....so you have to be able to shrug it off....and not let it affect you...
Yes, anybody deserves to be loved.....but they got to be willing to trust in that love as well...
GOOD LUCK>>>> | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/24/2006 8:47:13 PM | i have been reading all the threads having to do with being bi polar and i am thinking that that has been the problem with the realtionship i had for the last year.
i love this man alot, but he kept constantly destroying what we had and so i said enough and he immediately took up with a gal and i heard today that he has since lost his job,is about to be evicted, has been drinking non stop, and the two times he did stop by to see me, all he wanted to do was talk about how in love he was with her.
i've been in alot of pain, but it is occuring to me that maybe he is bi polar and it is kind of a disease.
i have no idea if he will come to my door soon, homeless and jobless, but if he does, i am a little confused about ow to handle it.
i can see that rekindling what i thought we had is probably a joke, but i do still love him quite a bit.
but i've also realized that he is quite a liar...
but my heart goes out still, if in fact he is mentally ill.
i am not sure if he will involve me in his life anymore, but if he does, i want to lean in the direction of being an understanding and supportive friend.
not to the tune of taking him in and caring for him necessarily, but helping him to get some help.
he has a very brillient mind and he touched me deeply many times in the year we spent together.
all i know is hearing the news today that his life went down the toilet in a matter of weeks after i said i had had enough, just makes me sad.
but i was sick of wondering what he was really up to all the time.
it's a very complicated story, but i thought i understand him prety well.
i have a pretty open heart and mind, and my brother is really out there mentally, but i still love him too...tho he will not seek medical help and is very far gone now.
totally delusional.
i believe in emotional trigers for these chemical imbalances...
i don't want to take myself down with him tho....
and yet my heart hurts so much that they are in that much agony.
i have been very angry as well ttho, because as one post said, these people are incapable of true love and empathy.
so maybe i am not a good one to help because my feelings do get hurt when love or respect or friendship is not reciprocated, like him falling instantly in love with a gal with a missing tooth and who is crazy and homeless.
he threw everything away with us for that?
and when it all blows up in his face, which will be any day now, he may show up at my door wanting help?
it's all very confusing. | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:02:18 PM | Nope. 'Bipolar' doesn't exist. You're going to think I'm nuts, but check out the Lyme forum below. 'Bipolar' is just one symptom of a disease that is a hell of a lot more prevalent than the Center For Disease Control is letting on. I spent 16 years on meds only to learn I had LYME. Get your partner tested for Lyme by Western Blot, because the Elisa sucks. And if your partner has it, you probably do, too. It's serious once it goes chronic. Trust me on this one.
Type in any symptoms:
http://flash.lymenet.org/scripts/ultimatebb.cgi?category=1 | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:52:09 PM | Did the thought ever occur to you that it might be the drugs or alcohol that he was abusing is what was making him mean,abusive and controlling, and had nothing to do with being bipolar. It is often the case that many people suffering from bipolar disorders try to self medicate themselves with alcohol or other drugs. The effects of these chemicals can cause more drastic mood swings and behaviors than the disorder itself. Many people without bipolar disorders get mean and abusive under the effects of alcohol and other drugs.
People with bipolar disorders, once diagnosed and treated, usually lead very normal productive lives. We often tend to be far more productive than anyone around us. We have good and bad days just like everyone else, the only difference is the degree of our highs and lows. Are highs are higher than most people and our lows are lower. Most people with bipolar disorders are not mean or abusive and the majority of there turmoil is internalized. The people around them often don't notice anything wrong except they may be quieter or more talkative than usual depending whether or not they are in a manic or depressive cycle.
People need to be treated as individuals and not be stereotyped or judged according to the experience someone may have had or stories they heard about people with bipolar disorders. I do believe that people shouldn't put themselves in the situation of being with someone that doesn't own their disorder or refuses to follow their recommended course of treatment, but I think it is very shallow, judgemental and closed minding to tell people to run from someone with a bipolar disorder just because you had 1 bad experience. | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/24/2006 10:04:51 PM | [ I dated a man with bipolar. He was mean, verbally abusive, controlling and had substance abuse problems also. He came on to me real strong in the beginning. He seemed like the perfect man. It has taken a toll on me and sucked away the energy that I could have put into my work or finding someone worthy of me. RUN--who wants to be a caretaker? ]
Did the thought ever occur to you that it might be the drugs or alcohol that he was abusing is what was making him mean,abusive and controlling, and had nothing to do with being bipolar. It is often the case that many people suffering from bipolar disorders try to self medicate themselves with alcohol or other drugs. The effects of these chemicals can cause more drastic mood swings and behaviors than the disorder itself. Many people without bipolar disorders get mean and abusive under the effects of alcohol and other drugs.
People with bipolar disorders, once diagnosed and treated, usually lead very normal productive lives. We often tend to be far more productive than anyone around us. We have good and bad days just like everyone else, the only difference is the degree of our highs and lows. Our highs are higher than most people and our lows are lower. Most people with bipolar disorders are not mean or abusive and the majority of there turmoil is internalized. The people around them often don't notice anything wrong except they may be quieter or more talkative than usual depending whether or not they are in a manic or depressive cycle.
People need to be treated as individuals and not be stereotyped or judged according to the experience someone may have had or stories they heard about people with bipolar disorders. I do believe that people shouldn't put themselves in the situation of being with someone that doesn't own their disorder or refuses to follow their recommended course of treatment, but I think it is very shallow, judgemental and closed minded to tell people to run from someone with a bipolar disorder just because you had 1 bad experience. | |
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| Bipolar
Posted: 11/25/2006 12:17:53 AM | | ^^^^pretty much sums up what I was going to say, in a much, much nicer way too, lol. | |
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Aunie
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Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 174 | |
| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 12/1/2006 9:10:43 AM | I lived with 2 bi polar people, my husband and my son. Now the husband is an ex. My son is 9 and he is on meds and gets regular conseling. He is doing great. Dad is on meds as far as I know.
Everyone deals with it differently. But be cautious , don't let yourself get run over by anyone. Someone being bi polar does not give him/her the right to be a donkey.
Aunie | |
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| Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:54:48 PM | I sympathize with your situation, outdoorgirlsonya...and anyone else who has had a relationship with a person who has difficulties with their emotions.
There has been studies that Bipolar Disorder is genetic - that there is something fundamentally wrong with their brain's make-up. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been found to be a result of learning maladaptive ways to handle stress in early childhood years. It is not considered genetic - yet BPD and Bipolar are so similar - some people have been misdiagnosed as Bipolar, when they are actually BPD, and vice-versa.
At any rate, both of these terms have one important thing in common....EMOTIONAL DIS-REGULATION. People diagnosed as Bipolar and/or Borderline will have very intense emotions; whether something good or bad happens. Moreover, it will take that individual much longer to come down to a 'normal' state than someone who has not been given the diagnoses. In addition, people with Bipolar/Borderline will react to something that the average person may not think is a big deal, since their stress threshold is lower.
The reason for this comes from what the person learned at a very young age. I have read that people diagnosed with Bipolar or Borderline have an "emotional age" of about 8-10. That is why you may think that this person is having a "temper tantrum". Well, the truth is..THEY ARE. They have never learned how to appropriately control AND deal with their emotions. Because of this, they may appear "skitzo" - as some may say. I believe this is the main reason why people tell others to "run, run" if they meet and/or date someone who has been diagnosed. And, from experience, I understand completely.
For people who have these "disorders"; the trick is to understand that their reactions and temper tantrums are inappropriate/immature. Medication can help with the intensity of emotions - but they are always going to feel the same way about any type of situation that has caused them stress in the past. Here is where therapy comes in. A good therapist will assist in thinking of alternate ways of reacting. A good patient will practice it every day for the rest of his/her life. This is very hard to do. Imagine if there came a law in which you must write with your opposite hand. How long would it take before you would naturally pick up a pen with your opposite hand and naturally write with it, without giving it a second thought? Obviously, in time, you would get used to it and eventually you would be doing it naturally. But that example deals with changing a physical habit..trying to change an emotional habit is extremely more difficult. But not impossible.
I'm sorry, outdoorgirlsonya, that you had such an awful experience with your ex. Many people (especially men) do not like to admit they have an emotional problem.
But, there are people out there who are fully aware of and are educated on what they are dealing with - and are working desperately to change their life.
What I am trying to say is if you meet someone who is open and honest enough to tell you that he/she has one or both of these diagnoses...DON'T GET SCARED so fast - providing that you like this person enough to get to know them more. There are various places they could fall into the spectrum as well as in various stages of their own "recovery".
I say figure out where this person is and go from there. | |
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