| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 5:23:59 AM | amberzamber & be twitched,
Hmmm, might be time to rethink my aversion to IM - never considered the points you mention. There’s much good to be said about weasels NOT having your phone #. It certainly wouldn’t do to be one of the nitwits having a heated, high-volume conversation with a schmuck in public over the mobile - I might have to cast aspersions upon myself.
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 5:47:39 AM |
people will instant message stuff they would never say in an email or over the phone
Yes, that one has me puzzled because you can just as easily save a log of IM messages as you can save an email or tape a phone call. I was unaware that could be done until a few years back when I was going through a custody battle and venting to a "friend" - next thing I knew she'd printed off all our IM conversations and given them to the court. IM conversations are not as private as people assume them to be - depending on the character of the person you're speaking with. And its very, very easy to take a phrase out of context and take it any way you please. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 3:14:21 PM | Instant message is probably one of the lousiest forms of communicating/conversing. But these days and with all the crazy-azz,stressed out,over-worked, under-paid,wrongly socialized men and women, IM is one of the safest ways to break the ice.
IM is safe as long as you don't give out personal,traceable info about yourself, without doing a reality check on what you know so far about the other person.
I look at IM as being potentially public as a postcard and that's why I don't ever say anything that I would regret or consider to be private, sensitive information.
In the past when I din't know much about what lurks out there in dating sites, I trusted to quick, got too comfortable and trusting with my instant message new friend.
I was raped. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 3:26:18 PM | | It might be some wrinkly old dude, wanting to talk sex on the spot, on IM's. Maybe put up a picture of his grandson. Funny but could be true. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 3:40:58 PM | Hi Be_Twitched,
Tried to private message you but you aren't accepting messages from "my kind".
Wanted to say, yikes, I'm sorry!
I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like for you. I hope you are doing well now and have received the support you needed from those close to you and/or professionals.
I've had my share of group therapy for various and sundry "issues", don't know if you've done that, but I found sharing in a group setting with other women who shared the same issues very helpful.
Hugs to you,
Susan | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 6:00:29 PM | Emails first, then IM, you need to have a few to feel the person out a bit. I have learned to quit wasting time talk on the phone, if you have stuff in common and go out meet and have a good time. Take it from there. IMs can be frustrating sometimes I feel like if someone IMs you that they should have at least something to say to keep a chat going.
I have taken numerous classes and seminars on communication. Emails and IMs are just words on a screen they can be taken so differently than intended. On the phone you have a tone of voice, laughing, you tend to get a better feel on a person. In person you have the body language, gestures, eye contact, etc.
What I really am not fond of is going from phone back to IM, doesn't make sense to me. Although some ppl would rather be on the computer for whatever reason. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 9:07:27 PM | Hey, Astrosky and Serendpitee! Thank you for caring and the hugs...means a lot.
The rape was several years ago and I have done all the necessary things to not be a victim of the past. It was a wake up call!
I guess that's why I take a more proactive approach in getting to know people and protect my own safety, at the same time.
I rememeber when the 2 options where exchanging hand-written letters that were sent to a P.O box and then eventually phone calls with no caller ID or phone number look-up on the net. You could talk on the phone, protect your info and no that it wasn't a cell phone.
Just as I wouldn't give out my address(es) or phone numbers to a stranger outside, I won't give out my info to a stranger on a website.
Today, a guy will give you a phone number and it's a cell. Even if it's his only number, it's great for married men posing as single, etc., etc.
I think it has a lot to do with common sense and timing.
As I have expressed before, I think IM is useful, if it's used for the right reasons for yourself.
I like having the option of chatting within POF, until I am comfortable to take it to the next step(s).
I guess the bottom line is what each person is looking for on sites like this.
For me, it's not about getting picked up online.
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/30/2005 9:18:02 PM | be twitched
I think if you dial *67 then the # when you call someone it comes up as an anonymous caller and doesn't give your #. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 10/31/2005 6:39:13 AM | *67 blocks your number when calling out
*69 gives you last number called
But you can also do a search of phone numbers on the net
Thanks pensfan87 for reminding me of *67!
But, I just remembered that a lot of people have that privacy screen thing on their phones, that asks you to identify your phone number to weed out telemarketers, so *67 wouldn't work, there.
But nothing is perfect, right?!
Especially telephones and computers and the people who use them! | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/1/2005 1:04:54 AM | Ok here is a perfect reason why I don't like to IM with someone before a date.
A POF girl wrote to me, she seemed nice. She asked if she could add me to her buddy list, sure, why not, and I added her too. This doesn't come up a lot and generally I don't IM with people before we meet, but she asked and I didn't see the harm.
For a day or two we did a lot of chatting, it was fun. We made a date for the next day.
She only had a picture of her face and listed herself as "a few extra pounds." Of course, I knew I could be in for a surprise, but she was very pretty and we had fun chatting, so it was worth "taking a chance."
As I'm sure you've guessed, the "few extra pounds" was closer to fifty extra pounds, probably more. I knew I wasn't going to be interested in dating her at that point, but we still had a nice coffee date and walked around a little while. It was fine.
I would have emailed her in a day or two to politely tell her I didn't think we would be a good match, but she beat me to it.
Today she IM'd me. I didn't feel it would be fair to ignore her, so I responded. Naturally, she asked me what I thought of our date and I told her. She asked me to be completely honest about how I thought she looked and so I was. We ended up in this drawn out discussion which got her very upset and was no picnic for me.
ALL THANKS TO THE MIRACLE OF IM.
If I had never added her to my list, I would have sent her a short and polite email to wish her luck. Instead, it turned into this big discussion that ended with her feelings being hurt.
To be fair, IMing on this site would be fine - but adding someone you've never met to your list can just be a recipie for disaster. And I don't think this can be chalked up to an isolated incident - I can see how this could easily happen over and over again.
Just say NO! | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/1/2005 4:02:58 AM | | hmmm...correct em if I'm wrong, but cant people IM you on here even even you havent adeed them to your list ?? I have people IM me all the time who arent on my list. If you are online and are an "IM user", whoever else is online can see that and they can "butt in" to say hello. The only way to prevent that is to turn off your IM control. Mojo - your problem is that you sound too nice. You probably should have just ignored her and then afterward sent her the email. I'm sure, if she misrepresented herself in that way, she was half expecting it.........just a thought | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/1/2005 4:36:57 AM | | I've had fun conversation on IM on another site, but the truth is, POF has the forums, and I'm more into the forums than chatting with someone via IM. I find it annoying, because I'll be sitting here reading something, and I feel like I'm being pestered when someone IM's me. It has become an annoyance. | |
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jimb77
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Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 66 | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/1/2005 6:42:32 AM | I keep running into guys online who won't talk to me at all if I don't instant message them. I truly don't understand it. Are some people so addicted to IM they can't/won't communicate any other way? Personally I prefer to meet in person fairly quickly so that nobody wastes their time. Is it a case that some people only prefer cyber relationships and want an IM quickie rush instead of a date? Do they prefer fantasy to reality? WTF? [/quaote]
Yea, I agree what the phuck is up with that! | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/1/2005 7:41:49 AM | @jimb77 - I'm not sure I understand your question but I'll try to answer what I think you meant -
This area has people from all over the country due to military bases and casinos. There are some people with very thick accents that are hard to understand, but with practice I can understand most everybody (I'm a yankee). | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/20/2005 2:02:24 AM | regarding mojos post: "She only had a picture of her face and listed herself as "a few extra pounds." ....To be fair, IMing on this site would be fine - but adding someone you've never met to your list can just be a recipie for disaster......ALL THANKS TO THE MIRACLE OF IM."
"
Maybe you're just not used to the way IM works..for instance I have yahoo and you can hide when your on and hit the ignore or block button and you'll never hear from them again even if they see you online. (I've IM'd with a few guys where the scenario was pretty much the same) Also you don't have to answer a chat just because someone writes you... and you would not have had to continued to be yelled at..however it sounds like the biggest disaster was that you decided to meet someone without a full body shot, and I won't meet someone without that photo.....
But here's my point: I believe it was you that said you like to email a few times, talk on the phone and then meet.....I'm not giving my number to someone who I don't even click with while trying to IM (They keep asking sex questions, or they will not ask you anything because they just want to use the smile faces, or worse you realize they are writing to several other people at the same time as you) IM'ng someone even just once can weed out the people you would waste your time with by meeting in person.... | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/20/2005 3:09:24 PM | | astrosky - from some of my run-ins, i have learned several things....one is that many of the guys have no patience and want things done on their terms.....if this is the case in your situations, do not waste your time. the ones who are truly interested in you, will not push for you to use IM only.....just move on. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/21/2005 10:12:24 PM | | I don't IM because I work from home on the computer and it is annoying to be constantly interrupted but I have found just the opposite. One or two emails, then a few phone conversations (the number depending upon whether they are local or not....I don't live in a good dating pool!!) so that the first meeting is similar to meeting a friend and it has worked out very well for me; two long term relationships and the only man I've ever loved in spite of being married twice (to other men). So I think it depends upon whether you are a "phone person" or not. Some men in particular don't seem to know what to say to keep a phone conversation lively and interesting; if I don't laugh at least two or three times, I don't meet them. I know that laughter is very important to me and as a result Pierce Brosnan wouldn't appeal to me (there's my age) if he couldn't make me laugh!! | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 11/22/2005 9:25:12 AM | | Well.. IM to a personal email is harsh sometimes.. you never know who you're dealing with... Which is why i have 2 different email addresses or logon for yahoo and what not.. so if I am quite comfortable, i'd give the real one.. otherwise you get the secondary... Either way.. you can always block a person form conatcting you if things get a bit too weird for you. | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:13:50 PM | I think NOT using IM is good jerk filter. Every time I've given out my yahoo, the "tone" of the exchange has immediately gone south, south of the beltline LOL. Booooooooooooooring.  | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:22:41 PM | | I dont mind IM and I have one specifically for this site that gives no personal information. If, however they dont want to meet in a short amount of time it done. I dont have weeks or months to IM. LOL | |
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| Why is not using IM a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/15/2008 1:36:54 AM | @Mojo
I am surprised that you have not stumbled on to "the code".
Since more than half the population is somewhat overweight, "average" means I'm like everyone else, i.e overweight. In this situation "few extra" means more than average, i.e. obese.
I have no problem with girls who have a bit of flesh on the bones, I don't like the skinny model types. But if the waist is bigger than the hips or to put it another way, she is just as wide side to side as front to back, that dog don't hunt here. | |
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