EB1
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Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 51 | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:06:50 AM | Some fuel to add to the fire..
"The Nature and Predictors of the Trajectory of Change
in Marital Quality for Husbands and Wives over the First 10 Years of
Marriage,"
"Predicting the Seven-Year Itch,
According to the research, married couples' assessment of the quality of
their marriage starts to sink rapidly just after the "I do" and continues
downward through the first four years. The quality of marriage plateaus
after that first dip and then declines again during years eight, nine and
10--the "seven-year itch" part. Couples reported that the presence of
children is, not surprisingly, a considerable stress on a marriage; the
research states that having children at home prevented married couples
from maintaining "positive illusions about their relationships."
My local bookstore has a shelf of relationship books that is longer than
most relationships, detailing how to find the love you want, how to get
married and how to create, and try to maintain, those "positive
illusions." In our popular culture, marriage seems to flow naturally from
romance--Julia Roberts keeps running off with Richard Gere. Americans
love to get married, but half our marriages don't take. Then we switch
partners and remarry, with roughly the same odds of success.
Natalie Low, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard,
counsels families as they navigate their way through the illusions and
into the reality of marriage. She says the couples she sees are trying to
nurture their relationships along with raising perfect kids and
maintaining careers, but in this compartmentalized era, they are without
the benefit of support systems of extended families and communities.
Couples also expect to be happy. But "the facts of life are very
grinding, so the reality of marriage is grinding," says Low, who has been
married for 51 years. Marriage is now, as it has always been, hard work.
Marriage is not a static event that can be measured, but a series of
developments--those triumphs and setbacks--that make up life. "There is
no obvious course to follow, so couples just have to keep working. A
person sees dramatic changes during a marriage," Low says, "so a couple
has to be committed to a way of life."
Lawrence Kurdek, Ph.D., the Wright State researcher who wrote the
seven-year-itch study, said that its grim statistics actually made him
hopeful. "Knowing the pattern of marriage relationships might help
couples stay together, if they can come up with positive ways to cope
with it," he says. "We have to build into marriage the idea that there
will be lots of change."
When married couples hit the inevitable doldrums, they may want to
revisit their Hollywood-fueled expectations about what marriage is and
what it will do for them. Then maybe they can chuck their positive
illusions and rent a good movie--one where the hero and heroine don't
necessarily live happily-ever-after all the time, but stay together
anyway. | |
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Sea_6
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Joined: 8/10/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:00:31 AM | Some posters are making fun of the question asked. But what the OP is implying is that it seems that by getting married, the chance for the relationship to survive dimishes.
The percentage of divorces occuring is high as we know. And often the reasons seem to be exactly what Guitarman mentionned.
People get too comfortable and take the relationship for granted. They think now that they have signed the paper, no one is going anywhere.
To get married you need a serious committment to make it work before you say 'I do'. If honest and straight communication, respect and consideration for the other are not present once married, .... yes.... one of them might start thinking "this is not what I signed for".
Communication is one of the most important criteria in a relationship I think. Too many misunderstandings can occur without it, and then, because of that, each start acting strangely because of what they assume is going on. | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:34:12 AM | "One thing Ive noticed though with women(not all women)...you let the guy dig himself into a hole before you say something. By then your sooooooooo upset that the guy not has to claw his way out of it before he gets to level ground. Women...if you see/notice your guy taking a turn for the worse, hurry up and say something before it gets too bad."
Funny, when I did that I was called a nagging b*tch. | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:39:32 AM | I can tell you and I think you all know it...Relationships as far as lasting do not by a very large marrgine..
It takes a speacial couple to do that..there is no magic bullet. Experince helps but if both do not have a unique ability to express and show nurture it wont make it...Up-brining is an important key... | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 10:23:19 AM | marriage is not the leading cause of divorce,sometimes lack of communication,
and trust and even sometimes money,sometimes it will cost more to get a
divorce then it did to get married. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 60 | |
| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:30:17 AM | OP - interesting post. I think too often, when a couple enters into a marriage, they don't know their authentic self. Most folks this day and age wander through life aimlessly, no clear direction, living out someone else's life instead of their own. They want someone else to be responsible for their personal happiness. Couples are not taking the time to get to know each other. To know each other involves asking those uncomfortable questions about work, sex, money, parenthood, and religious questions.
Also, many people, especially women get caught up with the "charm" of planning a wedding since they were young girls. It comes across as exciting and glamourous to prepare for the "event". Once the event is over, real life starts to set in and disappointment enters the picture. As they say "honeymoon is over". | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 62 | |
| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 12:56:59 PM |
Is that a trick question?
No just an illogical question which implies that because one event alway follows another that the first event is the cause of the second.
Where I live, every year before it snows, the leaves turn brown and fall off the trees. Therefore, it is like asking, "Does the leaves turning brown and falling off the trees cause it to snow?" | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 1:51:10 PM | People keep saying 'its too easy to get a divorce now a days'. If your going to make getting a divorce harder.....then you have to make getting married harder!!!
But how do you do that? Should we all takes tests to see how stable are relationship is? That we love eachother for the right reasons?
You can love someone a lot, but if that love isnt founded on who they really are than it can go away just as fast.
Dean | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:00:17 PM | I have been a first wife 3 times!!
I am the only member of my first wives club..
Marriage is easy Divorce is hard!!
It is hard too walk away from something you tried
so hard too make work..
But it takes 2 people too make a marriage work..
And I could not do it alone..
Judy 
hammersickle you have a beautiful son | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 2:34:00 PM | In my expert opinion (I've been divorced more than once), themajor causes of divorce are:
1) Immaturity
2) Over active hormones
3) Self-gratification
1) Thinking love will cure everything. Getting married to spite the family or making someone jealous. Tying the knot to make sex legal or to get away from home. Making decisions with the wrong head.
2) Funny how this one begins to wain within the first year if marriage. Then, when the wife is too busy taking care of the family that sex provided, the husband is out sleeping with someone who doesn't have kids or a mortgage. Yes, woman are unfaithful, too, but the majority crown goes to the men. Again, thinking with the wrong head.
3) This is where I believe money problems begin. Caring only about one's self and getting something the 'family' cannot afford. Once it starts, it's difficult to stop.
Frankly, it's all of the above that kills marriage. If you find one of those in a prospective partner, you'll soon discover all three.
LIB | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/5/2006 4:15:54 PM | ^^^^^Good reply, although I think the comment in an earlier post about the lack of extended family support was a good one too. And definitely higher expectations and a sense of entitlement to happiness..
I think we're already at the point where two marriages is considered acceptable, a "starter" marriage and then a second marriage.. | |
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/24/2006 1:55:11 PM | I would have to say that without marriage there would be no divorce ... But there would be a lot of long term relationships that people get into and then get out of ... Let me ask you this ... what would it then be called ... You are involved with someone for 4-5 years have a kid maybe two ... And then break up ... what would you call your ex ? Ex - SO ? Ex girlfriend? Ex - vow breaker ?
And think about the economy ... all those wedding lost ... Who is gonna rent that giant circus tent ?
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/24/2006 2:13:13 PM | LOL
Damn straight it is!
And in light of/reinforcement to this,
our relationship (my ex wife's and mine) was FINE "until" we got married, and then it all went south from that point on!
Nothing more tragic than the death of an illusion!
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| Is marriage the leading cause of divorce?
Posted: 11/24/2006 3:38:35 PM | Well let me tell you a storie.................... Marriage is great, till you find out your partner want a different variety of person in his life, we had a home, family, if only one partner listens and the other doesn't what are they to do........but get divorced.
Had gone through all the councelling routine, spent 2000, and still got divorced, that cost me, over 10 grand...................so the answer to your question is????????
Was married for 16 years till one of us called it quits......and if wasn't me!!!!!!! | |
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