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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/30/2005 10:20:42 AM | | It is amazing how things get all twisted here. When I said it was acceptable in a loving and mature relationship, that did not mean I was having 52 loving and mature relationships in a year. I have had sex with a couple of different boyfriends over the years with my children sleeping soundly in the house. They have never been affected by it because they have never known that it happened. Obviously the times it occurred were not some guy I happened to pick up at a bar one night. I want them to know that sex is a normal healthy part of a relationship, and should be treated with respect and reverence. Sleeping around indiscriminately does not fall into that definition. But hey, to each his own. I know that my actions are not negatively affecting my kids, and I know that not sleeping with anyone ever when your kids are around is not negatively affecting your children. I think that all of us have apparently thought it through and we must do what we feel is right in our own homes. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/30/2005 7:23:41 PM | This is something I have thought about quite a bit. I have concluded that I am not comfortable with the thought of having sex while my kids are home. However, I am lucky - my kids spend some nights at their dad's, so I have opportunity should it arise. I ealize a lot of people on here don't have my options.
I think it would have some sort of psychological effect, for sure. Whether it would scar them for life, I don't know. In a long-standing relationship, it may have a positive effect on the child's psyche...perhaps you don't need to announce the fact you are having sex to your children, but the kids may not have any idea of what a healthy, normal sexual relationship is all about, unless they see it first hand...(not see it exactly...I hope you know what I mean), bringing in the modelling theory. Some children don't even have this unacknowledged example to learn from in a two-parent, supposedly happy home.
I think you have to find a balance for yourselves. I'm sure a lot of us didn't ask to be single parents and navigating the dating waters again. I'm sure I would have days when I'd be fighting with my maternal instinct vs. my animal instinct, if I didn't have an alternative. Denying the needs of both is a recipe for disaster. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 2/28/2007 5:20:55 PM | I don't think it's a problem as long as the child doesn't see/hear it.. if the kid(s) is at school or sleeping, what's the big deal?
I know a married couple who will have sex with the kids awake and no one is watching the little ones.. and the kids have seen them have sex, and know all about sex.. it's sick. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 2/28/2007 7:41:43 PM | What is interesting about this discussion is that you do not have children so you have no idea what people do and do not discuss with them about sexuality, morals or anything else.
It is also interesting because people have mentioned a locked door and sounds and how this can scar a child for life. Do married people stop having sex because their children are in the house? I now wonder whether some of what I assumed were my mother's middle of the night charlie horse experiences may possibly have been throes of ecstacy and definitely when I was in high school and the bed was seemingly trying to knock a hole in my parent's wall I was aware that they were having sex. Was I jazzed, ew, I think not. Was I scarred for life? I guess I was mature enough to recognize that I was not conceived by artificial insemination and it was probably pretty healthy that more than three decades into it my parents still enjoyed an active sex life, did until my father's medical condition precluded it.
I do not have sex in my house while my children are sleeping but my daughter will be 15 next month and because she is not stupid, she is aware that I may have had sex with my boyfriend at his house before returning home. Acting as if sex is not part of a healthy relationship does not really prepare children to become adults that have healthy sex lives. If I am in a long-term relationship this may change but it will be someone with whom I believe I am going to spend many years if not the rest of my life.
OP, you indicated that people should wait period but then you qualified that with they should wait until they feel that they are in a committed relationship, i.e. engaged or getting married soon, or apparently living together the way you have phrased it. Most people believed that was the case when they married or cohabitated with the individual that produced the children. There are no guarantees that the relationship will work out so under those guidelines, when is it really okay? Essentially you are agreeing with the people that have indicated that if a parent is discrete, and they are in a loving and hopefully permanent relationship then it is okay. When this occurs, it is essentially no different than how a married couple with their own children handles this issue. At some point all children realize that their parents had and have sex, they just choose not to think about it because to them, it is gross.
My daughter has been taught morals and is intelligent enough to realize that sex is much different for teens and young adults than it is for people that are adults that have been married and/or have children. I have taught my children that when they do become sexually active, it should be with someone they care about. Best if they can wait until marriage but in my daughter's case, she plans not only to wait until marriage but until after she finishes graduate school. That is admirable but it will not say anything horrible about her character if she changes her mind sometime before she is 26. Obviously her morals have not been adversely affected by my sex life, which she is aware of and yet, doesn't want to know about. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 2/28/2007 7:45:59 PM | Why would sex as a single person be any different then sex as a married couple when children are at home?
No parent tells their child about their sex ife -it is private. The ramifications of finding out are the same as finding our your parents had sex.
My sex life has nothing to do with my child's "mental, psychological and emotional health " LOL It does however have everything to do wth mine. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 2/28/2007 9:25:37 PM | | When the ex and I were first separated,I p/u my kids as usual and the first thing that came out of their mouths is that they saw her and her boyfriend in the living room kissing. They went on to say that the bf didn't have any clothes on and the ex did...it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what they were doing. I was so upset that I called the police and the policeman interviewed both of my kids separately and they came up with the exact same story,which is almost impossible for a 4 and 5 year old to do. The cop told me to call her and tell her to go to the damn bedroom and lock the damn door,which I quickly did. She started screaming back at me trying to make up some lame excuse for what she was doing around my kids. I think it was uncalled for and that is why they made locks on doors. My kids have the right to get up and use the damn bathroom w/o being confronted with the ex giving a bj....jeez. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 3/1/2007 3:18:32 AM | Oh my giddy aunt, it is of no huge suprise that North America is so dysfunctional given its attitude to sex.
Did I have sex in my house when my daughter was there, hell yeah. Did she ever see it, hell no, did she ever hear it, nope. If she had would it have caused distress or harm, no because I would have explained it in a age appropriate fashion.
Sex is not dirty or sinfull it is a perfectly natural function which adults of all ages engage in. It may be in the context of a long term loving relationship or 2 people that have just met finding a sexual attraction.
I am wondering if the posters that relate stories of their children seeing ex's engaged in goings on are actually more hung up and distressed by the idea of the ex engaging in sexual relations with others, than the effect it will have on their kids and are smoke screening! | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 3/1/2007 4:48:09 AM | | Sorry, engaging in sexual activity in the living room when kids are in the house is stupid and creates an unnecessarily uncomfortable situation for the kids if they hello, get up for water or to investigate the weird noises. Knowing someone is in the bedroom or hearing something is one thing, and you are correct, it should be explained in an age-appropriate manner. But creating the potential for what was described by Iamtheone seems more like just letting them watch a bit of soft porn. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:05:36 AM | I was just wondering when BJs became "soft porn"? So,if he came it became "hard"porn? I was dating someone also at the time,so I didn't give a damn about what she did,but doing it in the living room was uncalled for and very inconsiderate. I wonder if some people get off with the fear of being caught. Maybe you could answer that question, packagedealx3?  | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:14:44 AM | | Don't know because I can't imagine someone being so stupid, irresponsible and insensitive about their children. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 3/2/2007 11:02:49 AM |
What is interesting about this discussion is that you do not have children so you have no idea what people do and do not discuss with them about sexuality, morals or anything else.
Is this interesting? What you have just said is that BECAUSE I have no biological children that I have no idea of what people do or do not discuss?  That is an extremely limited and inaccurate ASSUMPTION you have made! Do I need to detail how or can you figure this out on your own?
Here, I'll help anyway......I have worked with children since I was a teen myself. I've run a private school as well as a multi-service center. I've helped raise my nephews(they lived with me) from their late teen years after my brother (their father) died. I've dated many women with children. I've conducted several surveys on this and related topics with THOUSANDS of teens and young adults.
It is also interesting because people have mentioned a locked door and sounds and how this can scar a child for life.
This does make this discussion interesting because its foolsih to think that locking a door will change the premis....ie.."I lock my door therefore the child has no knowledge that I'm having a partner in my bedroom" Hilarious! Why would any child especially a teen think that knowing someone is in the room with a parent while the door is locked could likely mean that they are having sex?
Do married people stop having sex because their children are in the house?
Lets see, for those who teach their children that sex is a sacred thing that ought to be shared with someone whom you love.....the child is sound to assume that sex between married couples is a VERY GOOD and natural thing, that REINFORCES the WORDS taught by those parents. Its a do I DO AND as I SAY scenario...THAT seems to be modeling at its best.
Certainly,it does NOT model sexual partners as transient. In love today, out next month.....just like last seasons fashions.
Most people believed that was the case when they married or cohabitated with the individual that produced the children. There are no guarantees that the relationship will work out so under those guidelines, when is it really okay?
Nope, there are NO gaurantees. Now, the situation that forms a single parent seems to be a situation that merits more caution/examination AFTER becoming one. Therefore, why not guarantee the respect of trying ANYTHING that could logically and possibly help a child make BETTER choices when it becomes their time? When is it "ok"? I've given my suggestions.
Essentially you are agreeing with the people that have indicated that if a parent is discrete, and they are in a loving and hopefully permanent relationship then it is okay.
Are you serious? 1) Yes,I AM the OP and so,"essentially" those who mention descrestion as being extremly important are in fact agreeing with ME in general principle. However,this is much like agreeing that Iraq under Saddam was not in a good situation. You see, its one thing to agree on a general principle but methodology is equally if not more important...this is particularly true in this discussion.
I simply do NOT think that locking a door or thinking a child is asleep translates to the level of respect nor descretion merited. And NO, it does NOT fall under the same thought process as when married couples have sex in their home. Actually the thought that it does or should is the fundemental of disagreement involved in this discussion.
Now, you've actually even though obviously misunderstanding or misreading my post reinforced my position by saying that YOU do not have sex in your house while your child is there(actually, you said while your child is sleeping...I could be making a huge leap in assuming more). What she assumes or doesn't assume you do when she is not there is largely due to THIS and your teachings. Moreover,better that she has been shown the RESPECT you show by doing what you say you do. Its not only good for her but also for your relationship. A person that understands and sees the level of respect afforded to others is much more likely to expect the same level of respect and probably to give it. | |
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The partner should have a place to stay or a hotel.
Long standing relationship meaning "sure its going somewhere due to many many many months of mutual continued exclusive dating and being "in love" is about the only way to model healthy functional relationships.
