| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:26:17 PM | So let me get this straight...If you get involved with someone and they tell you about something you are doing that makes them uncomfortable (something that they feel isn't "right") then this person is a "controller" and you should break off your involvement with them?
Aparently I must be a controller because I think this whole idea "isn't right". | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:33:04 PM | I dont know about abusers being the first to claim abuse.... there are plenty of kids
as well as adults
being abused and not saying anything to anyone.
About controllers, mine was also into details too, of where, what, when....
I found out later that not only his ex left him because of it but his family
all kept a distance from him too because of how he was. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 28 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:36:57 PM | It is true that people who are unable to establish healthy boundaries in their relationships are the ones who usually complain about control.
SO if we are talking about control, lets get a little specific.
Intimidation, Need to Fix guys, Caretaker type guys, Powerlessness, Detachment, Overdependence, Manipulators, Helplessness or you are just pissed off that you didn’t get your way, everytime? | |
|
elle j
|
Joined: 5/14/2005
Msg: 29 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:37:46 PM | | I think there may be something about the idea that someone who tries to control you is perhaps trying to make up for not having control in other areas of their lives? I do know that my ex had issues with his mother. I never met her, but if she was a domineering and controling mother, he may be trying to take back some semblence of control by trying to control the women in his life. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:38:59 PM | Some of the abuse sites that I use as references, have broken down an old saying.
And everybody has heard it.
Women marry men to change them and men marry women to keep them the same.
Both are control issues, both forms of abuse.
Even in these forums, I read where women state that they thought they could change the man, that's a control issue. If a man will not allow a woman to change and grow, this is also a control issue, stifling somebody else's growth.
I don't mind somebody making suggestions about what I wear or how I do things, don't ever tell me. It will be the last time you do that.
DragonRider | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:41:24 PM | ahhhh elle, mine hated his job. He was embarrased I guess always feeling like he could have been/ done more. It seems he hated anyone who had done well in life...
which could also explain his road rage, which mostly he aimed at high price autos.
lol
I heard him tic his mom off a few times too. He tried to tell her that her ideas about Christmas being a holiday were based in peagen beliefs and it was not a holiday.
LOL. I heard her hang up on him.
He was just crazy. Guess he will be better after he retires. I wish him luck with all that.
Glad I got away....
controllers are not fun to be around.
* this was not a husband... it was just someone I dated for awhile | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 32 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:43:38 PM | Christmas is based on the Roman Saturn festival.  | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:50:27 PM | Absolutely, in fact i've been on both sides of that fence, the controller and the controlee. I guess its an insecurity thing and most controllers come from environments where they were controlled. Codependancy is a very common affliction and most of us suffer from it to one degree or another. We have to learn how to love ourselves for who we are, then it doesnt matter what the controller does to knock down our self esteem, we now know the truth. If you cant love yourself then start by liking yourself and baby step it from there. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:52:29 PM | folks there is a difference between someone who likes to be in control of things in their lives and a controller. controllers are born manipulators. often those being controlled don't even realize the extent of the control. they manipulate in the guise of being helpful, even compassionate...next thing you know they have cut you off from family & friends, taken over everything in your life including but not limited to career decisions, finances, day to day household decisions, parenting decisions (even if the children aren't theirs), etc.
abusers being the first to claim abuse? i don't know about that either. what i do know is my ex controlled me to keep me in the relationship. when i realized the extent of the control and started to rebel against that and he knew he was losing control, it was d*mn scary.
why do people stay? again it's all about manipulation. some finally realize that they can't even decide what to have for lunch, and get the h*ll outta Dodge. others, never do.
t,d, & h...saying that something someone does makes you uncomfortable is very different than demanding things be done a certain way. i expect that if i'm doing something that makes my partner uncomfortable, they tell me. then we can discuss it and work it out...compromise. with a controller there's no discussion, no compromise, no way but their way. my ex actually told me once that he was always right, and he would make his point (because obviously it was the right one) whether it hurt me and the kids or not. his opinion was the ONLY opinion in the house that mattered...it was all about his being right whether it was about what to have for dinner or something that would affect the childrens' futures. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 6:35:08 PM | | ^^^^well thanks for that. I'm sorry you had to deal with a psycho like that but my point was to simply try and bring the discussion back to earth. The OP's opening remarks were like trying to blow out a candle with a shotgun.....you made the point I was hoping to hear...it is important to discuss things that make you uncomfortable, things you don't feel are "right" and it's a part of a healthy relationship IMO. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 6:49:17 PM | Iluv, yep mine was like that too. he often told me he was "always right". There was also no compromise, unless it was all his way. Only his opinion mattered. Only he could think or make the "right" decisions. ha. After I figured out it wasn't some big joke... I got away.
He never hit me but that may be because he knew I would fight back and maybe hurt him too. I see it does come from insecurity. He was very upset over things like my income being higher than his or my car being more expensive. Crazy stuff. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 6:58:31 PM | I think there are two types of controllers...fear based and power based. Some just refuse to have their pseudo-authority (self-induced of course) challenged and they have this mentality that you must be "assimilated" in order for their lives to feel more comfortable. Bah! Control this I say! Can't stand that. Let me be me, if ya don't like me what the heck are you doing here? duh!
Then there are fear based controllers. They act like the strong ones but they are actually very insecure and hide it behind their facade of "I know what is best, just do as I say." Ugh...those are super annoying! I've had my experiences with those too. They're often afraid that you'll do what they would do given a certain set of circumstances...(you must have been cheating if you have a male friend)...and I hate being accused of doing things I haven't even considered. Then you have to push the idea that they planted in your head out of your mind because it wasn't even yours in the first place, ack! so confusing.
OH wait, there is another type of controller I'm very familiar with. The men who are chauvanist pigs and believe that they ARE the superior gender and that women really SHOULD acquiesce to their meted out standards of conduct. I can't walk away from these ones fast enough. They just don't get it.
So I guess there are many types of controllers...all I know is that the only one I want to control is me and have some measure of control over my children's behaviour and discipline, other than that...I wouldn't want someone to do things because I said they should.
At the same token, some people actually seem to like it when someone takes the reins for them. They like having someone do their thinking for them (lazy brain syndrome...I'd rather die than think) and those who just want someone to do it all for them..including all of their major decisions. Then they can blame you when things go wrong...they are never responsible, only if it turns out really well, then they take all the credit ...yeah sure. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:00:36 PM | as I see it... it all is based in fear
insecurity makes people do some strange things | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:06:31 PM | "People who complain about controllers tend to be controllers themselves"
Not totally true, many who are controlled are insecure, or fearful and some are simply lacking self respect or all combined, which the controller thrives on continually to strengthen control.
So generalizing is not the case for this topic at all! | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:07:05 PM | t, d, and h...you're welcome and thank you. realizing you've lost control of your life, let alone your kids' lives, is a horribly scary thing. my fear when reading the thread was that people were confusing being in control with controlling behavior. discussing things that make you uncomfortable in a relationship is ALWAYS the way to go. and you're right that's part of being in a healthy relationship. it's when your partner knows it makes you uncomfortable, but has to have his/her way regardless that there's a problem.
rainbow...the night my ex told me he knew he was right and had to make his point whether it hurt me or not was the night i realized what i was up against. and, luckily for me and for my kids, it was also the beginning of the end of the marriage. it was also the beginning of getting my life back...despite how terrifying he became when he realized he'd lost control, i knew then that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. no, he never hit me or became violent but there were times i was sure he would. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 41 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:14:36 PM | Mel
I didn't say people who are being controlled, I said people who complain about being controlled. 2 Different things.
Actually, it is absolutely true. The fact that they recognize that they are being controlled demonstrates that they know what controling is and are complaining about not being in control.
What you are saying is more in line with abuse. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:16:12 PM | | Abusive, controlling people SUCK bad... | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:18:33 PM | | not necessarily arrianno...those you are hearing from are no longer being controlled. they've realized that they were being controlled and have managed to get out! it's not about being in control...it's about having every single aspect of your life taken over by someone else and them running it for you. there's no complaining here...just a sharing of common experiences. besides which the kind of control we're talking about IS a type of abuse...psychological abuse. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:28:34 PM | | someone I know who was in relationship where she was controlled by the guy, both physically and mentally, left him for a guy who was strickly a mind controller or abuser, finally admitted that it was better to be beaten by a control freak than mentally, because most of the physical wounds heal within a short time, but the mental ones always seem to remain and never really heal! | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 45 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:36:17 PM | Is this a discussion forum or a support group?
Control like abuse is just another word that’s vague in meaning. It’s being used from disagreement on choice of school and the scheduling of summer vacation to some very serious issues. I listed a number of specific control issues in post number 28. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:40:18 PM | Iluv...I just have to say that everything you've said sounds almost identical to what I went through. I didn't realize the extent of it until my daughter told me that her and my mom had a discussion about me. My mom asked my daughter what kind of hold her stepdad had on me because I wasn't myself after we got married. My daughter said some things to me that really made me step back and take a good long look at what was going on in my marriage and my life. And I realized just how much he did control every aspect. Of course he didn't agree at all when I tried to discuss it. Anyway...I finally got the courage to take my life back and I'm myself again and very happy.
Ok..I'm done rambling now :-) | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 7:51:39 PM | Intimidation, Need to Fix guys, Caretaker type guys, Powerlessness, Detachment, Overdependence, Manipulators, Helplessness or you are just pissed off that you didn’t get your way, everytime?
this list? the one where you listed specifics and then added the tag line at the end intended to put it back on those being controlled? yep, it's specific alright but it's also condesending.
in addition, you were the one who brought the term 'abuse' into the discussion. and when you're being controlled on everything from choice of school to scheduling of summer vacations to serious issues, you'd better bet you a$$ there's a controller behind it and that there's some kind of abuse involved.
shellinmo...congrats on findin' the courage to take your life back!  | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 8:00:07 PM | Well just because I'm in a contrary mood and often like to stick up for the underdog....How would you tell the difference between someone who has escaped a controller and a controller who simply met up with a more effective or more powerful controller than themselves? Would these two types of people behave exactly the same way or might there be a difference in the way they describe their experiences?
Personally I don't see much value in this question, the important thing to remember is that you have make up your own mind in life, make choices that you can live with and accept the responsibility for those choices. I've known women who desperately tried to change me, I would give them some slack in certain areas and pull in the reins in others....they hated that! By the same token, I've been with women that did things I just couldn't accept. Even after discussing it they insisted on doing things "their way" so I walked.
Control isn't the important thing, compromise is. I think some people get so worked up over who is in control that they forget about compromise and sacrifice and that realtionships take work.
Just throwing a few more logs into the fire...I was getting a chill. | |
|
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 8:25:09 PM | @iluv, yes its horrifing to realize someone is trying to take control over your personal power of control of yourself ( I do not have kids)... but it taught me a valuable lesson... being the difference between control over myself and life and letting someone dictate it to me as they see fit.
Its a very valuable thing to bring up as many have never experienced this and become romantically involved with a controller. many men and women have not experienced this. It is something to be aware of.
Since breaking up with my ex, he informed me he met someome online within a week of me breaking up with him. He told me she was not only beautiful, but she agreed with him on every topic and saw what a great guy he was (ha). As he saw it, he did not drink, hit women and every womans dream. He said she agreed to not only hand over her whole paycheck to him but let him decide what "they " needed.. and that she made much more money than I did.
I told him "good luck with that"...
and I was glad he never contacted me again.
I know from that expereince not only did it make me a stronger person, but now I have no chance of repeating that mistake.
 | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 50 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 8:29:26 PM | | Every time a woman says: ‘it taught me a valuable lesson” ... you know she just bought a new set of luggage. | |
|
Home
login 