| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 8:32:37 PM | men who claim to have no baggage have never learned any lessons
;) | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 9:44:03 PM | A little note to remind everyone of continuing within civility .... please.
and thanks | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:02:25 PM | Fair Enough, thank you Moderator. Just for the record my "lengthy site" is a hiking journal with scenic photographs and available to anyone that asks. Some of those "real pics" are right here on POF. I have a cabin on the family Guest Ranch and a home in Colorado. My Uncle that raised me has been dead for 16 years and my Aunt lives in CT. My previous posts were in the spirit of halloween. Please forgive me, I just have a pet peeve about misrepresentation. I wish the OP well. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:25:39 PM | through what I have learned thru the past and control is a person needs to forgive the person and move on... a control person who does not really like you if they want to change everything about you including the color of your hair.. you end up not being you because you have let the person control every detail of your life.. I think the best advise I can give is treat everone the way you wish to be treated and know when to run away..Each of you deserve the best there is... | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:26:21 PM | Back on topic... As noted in my earlier posts.....
I had a very enlighting experience with one back several years ago. A family member noted that it was like he was trying to take me apart and rebuild me in a way that suited him.
Too bad it didn't work
I will say that the best outcome from experiencing one of these people is it sure makes
a person strong... and learn the lesson to never "let" anyone take their own personal power and control over themselves away from them.
A key factor I noted was that he was under the assumption he could "let" me do something...
or "not let" me.
Strange how some people are like that, to try to manipulate others...
If anyone has personal experiences... please note them....
how it effected you or any other comments relating to the subject.
If you want to argue if controllers exsist, please start another thread.
Thanks
ps, ohhhh yes lady..... forgivness is a gift we give to ourselves, no matter if it was a controller or not. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:29:12 PM | CONTROL IS BAD!!!!!!! I must learn to DETACH. DETACH=Don't Ever Try Again Changing Him or HER.
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Posted: 10/31/2005 10:47:48 PM | | rainbow... in the thread beauty in the eye of the beholder I discussed why I felt half alive half dead after living in a very abusive marriage. It froze me to life..I existed but at what a cost.. It has been thru pof forums I have come to the realization that what he did was wrong but you can't continue to hold destroyed emotions and destroyed dreams over someone who passed away years ago. so you forgive the past and move on... Healing began to take place... I am now very alive and love life and people around me... Maybe the word should be forget the past... | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:52:04 PM | The longest relationship I have had so far was 15 1/2 years. This was a relationship that ended about 10 years ago and gave me my son. During this relationship a series of affairs had begun behind my back, the first one beginning about 10 years into the relationship. I was very trusting because I thought we had true love, and I didn't have a reason to question much. Around the time these affairs had begun I noticed I was being subjected to some ridicule, and slowly, this ridicule was demonstrated in front of others, starting with her relatives, then friends, then my relatives. I was being told I was a loser, despite being the income earner for the family (we believed it was best for a mother, or at least one parent, to be home with a young child). I was told I was a jerk, an ***hole, and I did a lot of soul searching to see if I really WAS a prick. I tried hard to make the relationship work, but it seemed the harder I tried, the worse things got. Much closer to the end of the relationship I started noticing strange things that didn't add up- phone calls where someone hung up after I answered, a cork from a wine bottle in her car. When I would come home from work I would notice certain things, like my guitar had been moved for example. When I put forth questions about this, instead of a normal answer I was accused of being a "control freak".
To make a long story short, she took me apart piece by piece, trying to convince me I was a jerk for not trusting her, etc. I tried really hard to make things good for our family, despite the fact that my alarm bells were firing off 24/7 at full volume. My intuition had always been bang-on, so I was very confused. After I finally left her it took quite a while to reassemble myself again.
That someone could attempt to destroy another in such fashion left me in disbelief. I will never allow that to happen again. Does this mean I won't trust someone fully and completely? Not at all! I love and trust with as much passion as I EVER had. If someone decided to do something like that to me again, it is their loss, not mine.
I am just fine, thank you very much!! | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:53:49 PM | I am so glad that you are here ladypagey, you bring a gift of wisdom and beautiful life experience into what can often be a rather dark place. Thank you for your gift of light, you make these forums a little brighter every time you leave a comment.
Control is overrated. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:54:16 PM | | I have forgiven but prefer to keep the lessons I learned. | |
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BPMG
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Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 61 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 12:20:11 AM | I was once in love with a woman who was a controller. I thought she was just a little pushy but everyone I knew would tell me that she was no good for me. Everything had to be her way all of the time. When I would do things that she did, she would actually tell me that it was OK if she did it but not if I did. She hated when I went to work. I managed a restaurant and had to wear a nice pair of slacks and shirt with a tie. She would get jealous and accuse me of going their to pick up women. She would sometimes be sitting on a man's lap where I worked.
I never got the chance to stop and think about it until the day she left me. At first I was actually releaved that it was over. That's when I finally realized it was wrong from the start.
When she decided we would move in together she also decided that I would have to throw away most of my furniture. I had no bed to sleep in when she left, I slept on the floor in my new place. No chairs, no TV, nothing but me a seabag and some civilian clothes.
That was a long time ago. Glad it will never happen again. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 1:57:51 AM | Iluvmonkeys, I totally agree with your definition of controllers versus someone who wants to be in control of his/her life. I think controllers are mostly insecures, and in some cases, tough fragile people. It is about power over others, mostly. controllers don't come into your life trying to run it, their moves and techniques are subtle. It doesn't happen overnight (unless they are really clumpsy even at being controllers). My short experience with one is that they can also be very vindictive and toxic. They also claim to 'know better', 'doing it for your own good', 'they are ready and you are not', and the big one = "IF you really loved me",,, bla bla. I guess you know you are with a controller when you start feeling guilty while doing/being what you used to enjoy.
Life is too precious to either control or being controlled.
Trix
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 3:46:21 AM | | I am a controller. If anybody has any questions about what it's like to be one, feel free to email or ask me here. I am not going to play games here. It's not like I "used" to date a controller. It's like I "am" one. I can explain. But, it might take a while. I will be controlling the situation, here at controller command central. | |
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BPMG
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Joined: 8/26/2005
Msg: 64 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 9:36:58 AM | | Hey ThePretender, why do controllers do it? What is gained by being controlling? | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 9:46:01 AM | I also found my controller to be subtle... for sure. I didn't see it coming until I was
years into the relationship. Because I have never been involved with anyone like this, I did not realize what I got into.
What really did it for me was one particular incident... and it all came to light.
I reflected for some time thinking about some older couples I had run across
over time and saw how the dynamics of destroyed marriages and relationships had effected them... where all the bitterness maybe came from.
For myself, I don't have a manipluating mind, so this was
a truely new experience to see this first hand and experience a controller in
a romantic relationship. I saw, I learned, I walked away.
I was grateful I was not married to him... I am sure a divorce with someone like this would be hell. He told me once that he thought divorces should be handled by the jury trail method.
(haha)
As it's been said by several who posted here...
the best part is knowing it will never happen again. | |
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 66 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 9:52:09 AM | | Can anyone agree that a tremendous amount of guilt is thrown your way from a controlling person if you step out of their comfort zone they have for you? | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 9:54:40 AM |
ya, sorry I've seen your posts and it seems you have been deeply hurt. I hope you heal and can forgive her at some point. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
Rainbow ... more like slapped in the face with life’s realities - yanked from living in a state of ignoranty bliss - than hurt. Forgiveness is one thing - and it’s pretty easily done. Trying to come to grips with the truth about the world and sad state of humanity is something completely different. But I do truly appreciate your concern and well wishes. | |
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Posted: 11/1/2005 10:03:47 AM | @2uneek, Yes I found that with my ex.... was all about his comfort zone....
which is maybe why he was so amotionally immature... he never learned anything except how to get his way.
@yam, again... I am sorry you were so deeply hurt and effected.
(hugs) | |
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 69 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:18:42 AM | | I guess for myself, I'd like to see more signs, experiences from people about controllers. Examples of things that may turn on a light or clue in others that they may have someone very controlling. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:20:06 AM | Aside from one's self, the number of people one can actually control can be counted with remarkable accuracy on the fingers of one foot....
Steve | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:23:42 AM | 2uneek, that was why I started this post. I would like to know too.
It seems from the posts the one I had covered all the signs. It is also noted
how some read these things into themselves and took personal offense to the topic
being discussed !!!
As far as my experience with a controller.... in a romantic realtionship with one,
I was amazed how subtle it was.... how he could manipulate things.
He was very good at control and manipulation... he got my dog to balance a
standard size light bulb
on its nose !!!!!!
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 72 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:32:50 AM | | The reason I chimed in is that I may have one on my hands. It seems that a lot of guilt gets thrown my way if I stray from the normal routine. Forgetting things get a backlash of "what is your problem?" Little things too...like making me feel bad if she doesnt seem to get her way. She tends to find a way to weasel things back to how she wants them. Am I perfect...ABSOLUTELY NOT...but it seems that even the little things can cause sparks frequently. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:36:01 AM | What I mostly noted with mine were two things:
He felt he could either "let" or "not let" me do something
feeling I had to check in with him on any descion I made..... he often said
"you don't listen"... lol... I told him I heard what he said but I didn't want to do it the way he suggested (offering his advice was something he thought was his job).... and then he would get highly offended I didn't do something as he saw it should be done. * for instance, he didn't like I put apples in my tuna salad.... despite me making him some with eggs which he prefered... haha. lots of stupid conflict over nothing....
and the other was his idea of compromise was always getting his way...
where he never had to leave his comfort zone.
I also was asking about this for personal reasons, not invloving anyone
in the forums or on POF.
I'll check back later today, have some things to do. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:38:06 AM | That happens!!! I cant stand that, periot!!
For me it has nothing to do with romance!!!
As more control.... .......as more I leave!!!
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2uneek
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Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 75 | |
| controllers
Posted: 11/1/2005 10:43:28 AM | | Now Im a bit concerned because thats exactly how I feel. Im the one who tends to compromise. For example: decorating a room in the house. She wants certain things, colors, furniture, etc. She has a set picture of what she wants and Im the one giving in. Not to mention I do call a couple times a day as to how things are going at home. If Im busy she gets upset. Her mind wanders a wicked path if Im not there. | |
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