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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What comes first?: sex or the relationship?      Home login  
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 harmony50
Joined: 4/10/2005
Msg: 51
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
There is an old saying that if "you start with body parts (no matter how sweet they are) that's all you end up with, is body parts..."

Enjoy the parts :)
 DeagleNINja
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 52
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:01:29 AM
Most men that have posted, have not talked about sex on the first encounter, but as to having sex before they are in a relationship. Women hear sex, and automatically assume men have bad intentions.


Exactly Disco, there's no shortage of women who have issues when it comes to sex. Many don't know what good sex is or think it just plain dirty. Then they take the moral high road and look down on guys that do love it and are honest about their need for it, rather than realize they have a problem and deal with it.

Just for the record, I do prefer to have some level of comfort with a woman I want to engage in sex with. However, this doesn't mean that I will date a girl indefinately without it.

So deagle, are you saying you won't date a girl if there's no chance of having sex within a month? Yep, that's exactly what I'm saying. What's the point? Either she has some serious issues about being intimate with men, or she simply doesn't have anywhere near my sex drive. And that ladies and gentlemen means it is doomed from the start.

Also, I'm rather tired of hearing some women whine about the 'good ol days' when men would court a woman for months or until marriage without sex. Well you know what? Those days are gone and thank god they are. It was a totally artificial situation in which a man was seeking a WIFE who would most likely spend the rest of her life bearing his children, cleaning house, and screwing her husband on command. These days guys get dumped like hot potatos so if we gotta deal with that, so do you
 LIFE PARTNER WANTED!!
Joined: 10/7/2005
Msg: 53
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:12:59 AM
Blastkist...You are one smart cookie!!! And gorgeous too...what a combination!!!!
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 54
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:49:24 AM
Of course the relationship comes first! That's a no-brainer. At least it does for people who aren't sluts. For sluts the sex is paramount.

What requires thought is the way people look at how a relationship develops. If two people develop a close bond after just meeting, more power to them, let them explore their intimacy in a sexual way.

So for me, what comes first is when I meet a woman and we date, my focus is getting ALL facets of the relationship to develop timely and in an equal manner. When the sex happens it doesn't feel forced, both partners are accepting (and delighted! )

Obviously the problem exists when two un-like mindsets are initially attracted. I pose this question to those of you who feel the relationship ABSOLUTELY has to be there first: Let's say you meet someone, you both at first feel attraction, you do all sorts of fun activities together, the someone is very polite, kind, and considerate to you. But this someone makes ABSOLUTELY no sexual advances to you at all. No hugs, kisses, passionate embraces. Are you going to feel like that relationship is going to develop further?
 afishcalledmike
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 55
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 7:37:07 AM
[Of course the relationship comes first! That's a no-brainer. At least it does for people who aren't sluts. For sluts the sex is paramount.]

@bikeman

Perhaps to you sex is just a physical act.

But to many a man and woman alike, sex is just another form of communication along with the spoken word, the unspoken word, kind acts, body language, touching, listening, intimacy...and the list goes on.

At what time each individual discovers, or explores, each form of communication does not make them a slut.

This site is full of married guys, looking for something on the side....if you must insist on calling someone a slut...perhaps you need to start with them??

Just my humble opinion.
 DeagleNINja
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 56
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 12:20:02 PM

At least it does for people who aren't sluts. For sluts the sex is paramount.


Why ya gotta hurl insults bikeman???
Just because some are more comfortable being sexual with one another doesn't make them a slut bro. From the perspective of many on here, you are just too uptight.

Case in point...


So for me, what comes first is when I meet a woman and we date, my focus is getting ALL facets of the relationship to develop timely and in an equal manner.


That sounds WAY too controling to me, and I'm sure others. My focus is simply on getting to know this person and enjoying myself, not working out some kind of timetable. If the first date goes well, then there will be others, and so on.


Let's say you meet someone, you both at first feel attraction, you do all sorts of fun activities together, the someone is very polite, kind, and considerate to you. But this someone makes ABSOLUTELY no sexual advances to you at all. No hugs, kisses, passionate embraces. Are you going to feel like that relationship is going to develop further?


Of course not. I'd assume naturally that they want friendship more than romance. There has to be some element of passion to keep my interest. As long as I know a woman wants to have sex with me, but is just waiting for the right moment, I'll wait patiently.
 sexybethy
Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 57
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 2:17:18 PM
Well I am reading these and I am thinking that I had met a super awesome guy on here we had sex the first meeting and I am convinced that we made a HUGE mistake and that if I could reverse what had happened that maybe more would have happened then again maybe not I will never know. I do know that we are going to be great friends and that whomever gets us damn look out. Now I have I think alot stronger feelings for this other person than he has for me, and I know that having lunch with this person that there is nothing that will ever ever come out of this other than what we both aggred on and that is the best friendship ever. He makes me think, I make him think, I know that we both are looking for the same thing and I know some where out there that we are both going to find it just not the way that I was hoping. I honestly think that the next time I meet some one and I am so attracted to him that I cannot wait I am going to make my self wait, I have the up most respect for this person and if he reads it I love you like a friend and I really look forward to our bloosming friend ship. So I guess to answer the question that the forum has there for me yes the relationship first.
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 58
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 5:04:50 PM

Well I am reading these and I am thinking that I had met a super awesome guy on here we had sex the first meeting


I don't want to make you feel bad, but first date is a little early if you are looking for something a little more serious. I'm not saying that it was a terrible mistake! I'm happy for you that you met someone you like, though it will only be a mistake if you believe it to be one!! Even if it doesn't work into a relationship - it was still nice being with someone you liked sexually; wasn't it?
If you want this to work with him, just don't allow your emotions or feelings get to strong just yet! Play it cool!; and whatever you do, don't make him think that you now own him or wanna move in together just because you had sex, or you will scare him away. Let him know that you like him and would like to see him again. You'll both be a little more relaxed if your expectations aren't too high yet! Go slow with it at first and it will build gradually (more sex) as your comfort levels grow!!
Remember, sex is a good prelude for a relationship!!! But I do recommend getting to know eachother for at least a week or two before having sex, unless that is what you want!! Also, make sure the guy always wears a condom, whether it happens on the first date or at anytime. Sex without condoms is strickly reserved for serious relationships or marriage!!!! Best of luck to you both!!!
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 59
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 5:42:10 PM
Ok, maybe "slut" is the wrong word, and we are misunderstanding "relationship" as well.

"Relationship" means a romantic relationship. Not a platonic or activity friendship.

I'll reword it. If you put most of the emphasis into having sex before developing more important aspects of the relationship, you show that you don't value your partner as much as you value yourself. An intimate act such as sex becomes like a handshake. You believe that the cart pulls the horse.

Deagle, you and I are saying the same thing. The "relationship" is built on many things--chemistry, fun, trust, learning about the other, communication, health, AND sex, maybe more qualities. When I get to know a woman, I desire to develop ALL of these aspects. Not just the sex. I've got no set "timetable" for sex (or anything else) in a relationship. It's ridiculous to have an inflexible timetable--I play it by ear, going on my instincts and feelings.

The last comment I made about someone making no sexual advances: that is in reference to people who end relationships because they believe the other partner is all about the sex, or that they are rewarding their partner's behavior with sex. I'm not uncomfortable about sex, but I do think sex should be much more than just shaking someone else's hand. I don't want STDs, and I always looked at sex putting the exclamation point on the other "relationship" aspects which I mentioned.
 goody2shews
Joined: 6/10/2005
Msg: 60
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History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 5:50:55 PM
I think I agree with you the most.

I don't even date someone exclusively until after we've decided to be intimate.
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 61
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:20:21 PM
EVERY TIME!! HONEY!!! LOL!!
 fl_cntry_boy
Joined: 2/22/2005
Msg: 62
view profile
History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:41:58 PM
dang I'm really messed up then you mean ya can have sex then meet them ...
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 63
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/5/2005 6:45:56 PM
I love these forums!!! LMFAO
 afishcalledmike
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 64
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 5:37:52 AM
[I'll reword it. If you put most of the emphasis into having sex before developing more important aspects of the relationship, you show that you don't value your partner as much as you value yourself. An intimate act such as sex becomes like a handshake. You believe that the cart pulls the horse.]

@bike man

Just as another point of view...perhaps you may be the one putting too much emphasis on the sex? I don't know that for a fact but if the 'exclamation point' isn't there at the end, where you like to put it, what happens then....do you chuck her...or is it ok if she chucks you?

Perhaps once the sex part in a relationship does become just a firm honest handshake...then perhaps the only thing left to do is to concentrate on the horse which keeps the relationship going as opposed to the exclamation point of a cart at the end. Most agree that the sex, or the cart in your analogy, never keeps the relationship going for very long so why worry about the cart so much?

Most people wait a reasonable amount of time, myself included...but it's not the end of the world either if sex comes sooner if the chemistry is right and both are experienced enough to recognize it's not a mindless romp. That's my only point.
 nashvilledom
Joined: 10/31/2005
Msg: 65
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 7:28:03 AM
If you are going to travel to meet someone or entertain them you should at least have a conversation to make sure you are on that same page sexually.

Sex is less then 5% of a relationship but if you are not compatable its not going to work.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 66
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 7:36:14 AM
Eghads!!...saw this subject line and thought, "WTF?!" This is a question?! LOL

Now I see what you are asking!!

I agree with Blastkist, as usual! ;o) SOME form of "relationship" or "committment" needs to be established when you make the decision to become sexually active together...or people end up confusing the emotional connection of sex, with love....and that is not what makes a healthy relationship. Two people could be sexually compatible but not be relationship compatible and it is hopeless...but two people who are relationship compatible but not sexually compatible, can WORK on the latter! ;o)

So chicken or the egg, chicken or the egg?? LOL I say relationship then sex.
 jjthedj
Joined: 10/19/2005
Msg: 67
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 7:53:12 AM
I dunno.
I don't think you can be relationship compatible without knowing if you're sexually compatible. That's how get the 50% divorce rate. You have to know what you're in for before you get buried, I mean married.
 finemerlot
Joined: 8/14/2005
Msg: 68
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 7:56:37 AM
The reason people disagree is because it didnt work out either way. Meaning - some had sex the first date - didnt work out, some waited and it didnt work out. There is no right or wrong answer, its how YOU feel and only YOU.
I was married to a man for 20 years and we had sex the third date. His line was this (guys feel free to use it LOL) "you might as well, you're going to eventually anyhow" I have also waited and it didnt work out.
I notice on these threads some people tend to take the words said personally, lighten up!!

And miss rainbow, I dont care how old you are, you are one rude bit@h
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 69
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 8:04:15 AM
^^ Just wanna say I SUPPORT Miss Rainbow...she was actually quite brutally honest and on the money! :o) If that equates to "bltch"...then I guess I am jumping on the bltch wagon with her! LOL (Are you really a man, Wino??) LOL
 pattincinci
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 70
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 8:09:44 AM
god......we all grew up hearing we had to WAIT until we knew we "LOVED" the other person...so by the time you do become "intimate" it is TOO LATE to make the intimacy compatibility a priority in the relationship.......After having been in a relationship where I truly loved and adored the other person and not having sexual compatibility, I find myself anxious to know if that (compatibility) is there before I invest alot in that person. It is so important, and so many times we rationalize that the "other things" that are so wonderful in a relationship will compensate for lack of sexual compatibility. Doesn't.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 71
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 8:20:56 AM
PattiInCinci...I used to live in Cinti, too! :)

So when you were in this relationship where there was little or no sexual compatibility, did you speak up and express yourself about what COULD make you combatible?

Don't get me wrong...I think people should have discussions prior to being intimate to see if they seem compatible. Someone that likes kink, frequent sex, etc...should NOT be involved with someone who views sex as something for procreation only! LOL

But typically...when you are incompatible, you can guide and learn and become compatible with open and honest communication!
 jjthedj
Joined: 10/19/2005
Msg: 72
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 9:02:45 AM
>But typically...when you are incompatible, you can guide and learn and become compatible >with open and honest communication!

That's always code for: change that man!
 afishcalledmike
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 73
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 9:51:20 AM
@harleykat

There is a difference between brutal honesty and personal attacks. I am surprised with the number of people who cannot state an opinion without judging the person, a gender or simply turning it into something personal.

Just an opinion
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 74
view profile
History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 10:28:31 AM

>But typically...when you are incompatible, you can guide and learn and become compatible >with open and honest communication!

That's always code for: change that man!


Not sure if you were joking with this comment, but actually it's not code for changing either the man or the woman...it's call being able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner to make things even better between you two. There needs to be sexual compatibility in a relationship, just as there needs to be compatibility in other areas...and non-compatibility in the sexual area can be made more compatible, just as other areas can be...if the two care about each other, talk about it, and want to please their partner. It's called being able to compromise...but they both have to be willing to compromise, and without any resentment. If they truly care about each other and their relationship, they'll do so.

For example, if one partner wants sex every day and the other is happy with twice a week, they can decide to have sex say, 4 times a week; this way they're both giving a little and getting a little...Say one partner wants to try something a little different; nothing too out there or kinky; if it's not repulsive to the other partner, they should try it...with the understanding that if they really don't care for it they don't have to do it all the time or maybe even ever again (depending on what it is). Also, each partner should be willing to do for the other what they're willing to do for you...A woman shouldn't expect a guy to go down on her if she isn't willing to to do the same for him, and a man shouldn't expect a woman to go down on him if he isn't willing to do the same for her. Same thing if sometimes one partner wants a quickie but the other partner always has to make a long, elaborate production about lovemaking (lighting candles, having a bubble bath, etc.)...so compromise and do both, sometimes have a quickie and sometimes make it a production...both are equally as much fun, and as loving.

A relationship is what the two people involved want it to be...but without open and honest communication, they're going to have problems, which may just derail what could have been an excellent relationship.

As for what comes first, sex or the relationship...it all depends on the two individuals involved, how they look at things, and what they want out of the relationship...if they don't communicate that before either having sex or committing to a relationship, then it doesn't matter which comes first or not...it's not going to be a good relationship, IMO. You can decide to have sex right away and see where it goes; it may work out or it may not. You can decide to wait to have sex until you're farther down in the relationship, and see where it goes; it may work out or it may not. Much more depends on what each person wants and if they've talked about it beforehand so there are no uncertainties involved.
 jjthedj
Joined: 10/19/2005
Msg: 75
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 10:54:02 AM
I can't even read your whole message.
It was that boring.
Point is, I'm more willing to buy a cow when I know its gives good milk.
Like that other chick said, you wouldn't buy a car without testdriving.
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