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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What comes first?: sex or the relationship?      Home login  
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 rainbow_fish
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 76
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
There are many women of your mindset ^^^
They refer to it as, why buy the whole cow when
all you want is a little sausage. I hope they find each other.
I want no part of that mentaility in my relationship and
I would not even want friends who had that mindset.
Users are users and they will use anyone they can.
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 77
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 11:08:37 AM

Don't get me wrong...I think people should have discussions prior to being intimate to see if they seem compatible. Someone that likes kink, frequent sex, etc...should NOT be involved with someone who views sex as something for procreation only! LOL


I don't know about you or a lot of other people, but I have never discussed sex prior to having sex - it just happened!! Then we discussed sex - by God!! LOL!! And remember again, this topic is not about first or second date sex; it is about having sex before any real commitments have been made!! (after a week to two months of dating). If you like eachother enough to have sex, then there is a good possibility you will get a lot more serious as your sexual compatibility grows. I do agree, however, that there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, but it is how a lot of them start!!
 rainbow_fish
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 78
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 11:16:56 AM
^^^ which can explain the high divorce rate
and also why you read in many of these threads how one person
feels everything was going along well and POOF, they suddenly disappeared.
One should never assume someone is feeling like they are.
I would not be so concerned with talk.... its actions that speak the loudest.
It is also good to discuss how your feeling with your partner....
before moving to the next step.
People wouldn't get so hurt and surprised.
 UlaLume
Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 79
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 11:17:12 AM
Yeah.. who discusses sex? No one. They just have it. They may discuss "relationships" which I find to be a tired practice, but that can seriously dampen the sex mood. I kid... or do I?

I can honestly say (and I'm female) that if a guy brought up "relationship talk" before we'd even had sex, I'd be mighty annoyed. And I'm not referring to letting me know at the beginning that he wants a relationship either. That's a vague "here's what I'm looking for" talk when you don't really know eachother yet... but had that warning never been issued and there'd been no sex yet... "the talk" would be a tad bit disturbing to me.

Also, I'd want to know (and want him to know), that everything about us is working. Conversation, personality and sex. All of it. So there's nothing WRONG with finding out about every base before you get into the "relationship". And wanting to know if we fit together sexually (don't forget, I want to know this about ALL things, too) makes me a user. It's NO DIFFERENT than making sure we communicate well, though admittedly way less exhausting.
 fl_cntry_boy
Joined: 2/22/2005
Msg: 80
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History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 11:59:07 AM
They refer to it as, why buy the whole cow when
all you want is a little sausage.

If I'm looking for sausage I'm not lookin for a cow I'm hog huntin sausage is made with pork not beef.
Beef seems to be a ample supply here cause someones always given it away.
A relationship usally = sex and vice versa sex usally = a relationship a realtionship is defined as kinship,wanting to be with and share things with another.
Every body is different from just taking a so called "test drive" to just knowing thats what I want and buying it. Yes sadly there are some who only want to test drive every thing on the lot with no intent of ever purchasing them. Most dealers reconize these types and escort them to the door those that do'nt know there being used but do'nt care.
To sex being only 5% of a relationship know wonder your looking I'd check a monastary you'd have better luck. 5% equates to once every 3.5 weeks or 18.5 times a year which = nun hench monastary.
What I guess I'm saying is whether it's the first date or after 20 dates that is between how 2 people feel and interact. Sex is a natural occurance between sexes to some it's just chemical and primal to others it's binding and a show of commitment.Sociaty as a whole has created the taboos and attached the stigmatism of bad bad thats a no no! 2 each there own whether your fishin for sport or sustanance good luck!!

sorry peeps didnt mean to be long winded
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 81
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History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 12:16:50 PM
@jjthedj

If your reply was to me, then it simply shows that you're not interested in much except what you think; kinda strange attitude if one is on a forum where people share opinions...besides, just because a 'cow gives good milk' doesn't mean that it can't go sour...and a person isn't a car...you get into a new car and test drive to see if you like how it handles and moves or not...you don't do that with a new person...well, *some* people can, but then that's treating them more like an object than a person, IMO...and most people don't like being treated as objects...most like to get to know someone a bit first rather than just being driven around the block once or twice.
 Shygirl16
Joined: 6/15/2005
Msg: 82
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 12:44:53 PM
I agree with prolibertate. Not to mention that some people maybe feel less experienced, but definitely willing to learn. But it would seem that some people figure after one time, no compatibility, that's it. So you definitely need to talk about it first. And both, like has been said, be willing to compromise. You can expect something you wouldn't do.

But with some of the other posts on here... this is not just onesided, people commenting on men using women. Women use men too. They are also in it just for the sex. It's not just the men. Just like it's not all women that want a relationship. Men believe in them too. And, OHMYGOD! They even enjoy them just as much as women.

So it's not necessarily between sex or the relationship first, communication should come first.
 KillBill
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 83
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 1:01:47 PM
In my case it worked both ways. We get to know eachother and had sex not long after and ended up being together for a long time. For years. It depends on who you're with. You got to weed out the clowns and it can be hard.
 suchababe
Joined: 9/12/2005
Msg: 84
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 1:13:01 PM
I use to think that waiting made it better but now I realise that if the sex and intimacy arent good then the relationship wont last no matter how good of friends you become. Once you become lovers and it just feels right then the rest can easily fall in to place, but hey thats just me. kisses
 Sagagirl#2
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 85
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 1:39:03 PM

Yeah.. who discusses sex? No one. They just have it. They may discuss "relationships" which I find to be a tired practice, but that can seriously dampen the sex mood.


Wait--no one discusses sex? Then what are we doing? Discussing mars rocks?
I know most of the ppl I meet online(and yes, a lot of them are cyber-wackos, but not all)they want to know what my sexual preferences are right off. Not my favorite color, or what I like to eat, exercizing habits, Christian beliefs, or any of the other little annoying things that tend to wedge a 'relationship' apart. Seeing as I'm a Christian, I belive that it's wrong to have sex outside of marriage...but I'm not saying that it doesn't happen that way sometimes, that ppl are drawn together by their sexual attractions and find a deeper cloesness there. I've just never wanted it that way! ;)
 DeagleNINja
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 86
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 1:39:35 PM

Yeah.. who discusses sex?


Well....I do.
I've told every woman I've dated when and if I've been interested in having sex with them. No nothing as tactless as, 'hey you're hot! let's have sex!' but there are ways to let it be known tastefully.
Usually it doesn't even take that. You can look a woman in the eye and know if she wants to have sex with you. But I always make me intentions know upfront, it's only fair. If a woman I'm seeing is offended that I desire her body then so much better that we find that out at the beginning, right?


I use to think that waiting made it better but now I realise that if the sex and intimacy arent good then the relationship wont last no matter how good of friends you become. Once you become lovers and it just feels right then the rest can easily fall in to place, but hey thats just me. kisses


My point exactly darlin.
Sex has a way of breaking down barriers between men and women. Most of the time we are scratching our heads wondering what the f*ck the other sex is thinking, but when it clicks under the sheets, we just know.

The way that a man and woman's body are perfectly suited to pleasure one another is a beautiful thing. Why let that go to waste?
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 87
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 2:24:58 PM

Wait--no one discusses sex? Then what are we doing? Discussing mars rocks?


Talking about sex in this thread is not even comparable to talking about sex with a woman you just started to casually date!! If I did bring up sex, before we had sex, then she would be thinking "this guy is just after sex"!! I know when a woman wants to be intimate with me by the way she responds to me when I'm kissing and touching her (respectfully), and by the way she touches me back!! Like if she sticks her hand down my pants for a grope, she's gonna get good and layed. I always wait for the lady to make the choice; but if I get that far with a woman, I believe there is a chance for a relationship to come out of it, so I will not say no if it happens that way!! Even if it does turn out to be a little mistake!!
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 88
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 3:39:33 PM

afishcalledmike:
Just as another point of view...perhaps you may be the one putting too much emphasis on the sex? I don't know that for a fact but if the 'exclamation point' isn't there at the end, where you like to put it, what happens then....do you chuck her...or is it ok if she chucks you?

Well the plan certainly is to build the sentence and put the exclamation point on at the end. But sometimes the sentence ends in the middle! It's ok sometimes to have sex before other romantic relationship aspects. Mature people discuss their needs with each other so there aren't any misunderstandings.

I like sex. For me, it's an important part of a romantic relationship. Like Prolibertate said, in a good relationship there are compromises made. Mature people try to reach the middle ground. I don't "chuck" a woman if the sex isn't what I expected at first. Maybe you do if the other relationship aspects aren't there; why stay in a relationship like that? But if all other relationship aspects are great and the sex isn't there, I'd discuss our problems in this area with my partner. We'd come to a compromise if we're mature. Does that makes sense Mike?
 rainbow_fish
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 89
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 4:05:05 PM
There is a saying about sex.

If you can't talk about it..... you should not be doing it.

These days with STD's that can kill you...
diseases that can make you wish you were dead...... lil talk sure isn't going to hurt.
We are civilized people with language skills, not animals in heat....
I would think.
 happening
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 90
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2005 4:28:12 PM

There is a saying about sex.

If you can't talk about it..... you should not be doing it.


Who's saying? Yours? LoL!!

As I said before: if you talk about it too soon, your date will think you are just after sex!! I always ask a girlfriend what she likes, "after we've already done it"!! I do care about what a girlfriend likes and doesn't like!! But it is too akward to bring it up before hand. When it comes down to it: to each; their own!!
 stats
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 91
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2005 6:39:24 PM
It might i guess unsure but i think i would at least like to get to know the person and at least care about them before i move to that level.You are right most will say sex helps bonding in the relationship,but you have to do what you both feel comfortable with.
 torentrap
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 92
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2005 8:34:09 PM
Relationship definetly, otherwise it's just a booty call
 Richard--
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 93
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/10/2005 12:45:21 PM
I have often seen the word "chemistry" in a lot of women's profiles. Well "chemistry" means physical and sexual attraction... does it not? But it's a kind of Catch 22 because (to me) "chemistry" means physical and sexual attraction. As in science you put two reactive chemicals together and.... a reaction occurs; heat light and energy is released. And so it goes with couples.... and so am to I assume that these profiles infer an early sexual liason ...before a "relationship" has developed? How can you know of sexual attraction and compatability without sex?

Remember.. it's easier to make a make a lover out of a friend than a friend out of a lover
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 94
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:30:24 AM
Someone said something along the lines of talking about sex, makes someone think that is all you are looking for??

I think when this was posted, it was not about the first or second date....nor was it about 6 months into the whole thing.

Point is...when you are getting to know someone...especially from online...you COMMUNICATE...talk about what went right and wrong in your past, your beliefs, and yes...what you like sexually. (Maybe subtle...like "what do you consider kinky?" "Ever had a threesome?" Things that tell a bit about the person....)

Me personally...by the time I get to a first date with someone, I feel a comfort zone to where we are at least communicating. Then if we keep on clicking...in time...no set amount, but when it feels right, it just HAPPENS and we have talked about it. But when it DOES happen, we are in some form of a relationship that has also been discussed prior to sex.

Gosh...the good ole days when you actually PLANNED out a night to have that first romantic interlude!
 Gimpysaviour
Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 95
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:37:52 AM
Can't you have both?


 stats
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 96
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:43:40 PM
Omg,well yeah we are all human and yes i guess sex can draw people closer if they are already attracted to one another,but do or will they still respect you after that if you dont love each other,or at least care? I dont know as never had to deal with this type of situation before,but some of my friends think its ok,as only natural but im concerned with respect,and having the person know you first.I think sexual compatibility can be worked on,as no one is always experienced as sometimes it takes time to work on this but would be worth it ,if you cared or loved the person.we all have to learn one time or another.
 crystalise
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 97
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History
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:57:32 PM
Funny this came up yesterday at the beach....story went like this. Friend of mine says she has had 3 dates with a guy, and she really is starting to like him. They havent done anything yet, not even a kiss. My other friend pipes up and says " What?? you cant know if you REALLY like someone until you have sex with him"

I looked at her like she was crazy as I am the complete opposite. So did the friend who is heading for date 4 who is now starting to panic thinking shes done soemthing wrong by never even kissing the guy yet. haha...so anyway, started the debate.

My viewpoint is I believe you get to know someone first without the sex is the best way to get a foundation started. Eg are they really interested in spending time with you when theres no hanky panky?? Sure then after something is said and communicated about a relationship, or at least 'dating', sex is the icing on the cake - after a while. And yes if its meaningful, [ I dont want to just say good as good is different things to different people] it really does cement your closeness. Becomes a lot more special when there are at least some basic feelings involved, like some trust. Thats the way I look at it though. This may not be for everyone and I am talking in the context of wanting a relationship. Not just some random fun.

Yet my friend is of similar thought to the OP. Interesting topic !
 livewirehere
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 98
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:59:28 PM
One never knows... Life is full of surprises~~
 jennyve25
Joined: 2/26/2005
Msg: 99
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:13:26 PM
hmm scientifically that is when the drug oxytocin is released which creates a bonding feeling so you could be right.
 stats
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 100
What comes first?: sex or the relationship?
Posted: 12/26/2005 6:01:35 PM
Well Maya ,i agree with you as ive only been in love twice in my life and only those two partners ,but each for a long term, years .one i waited 3 years before sleeping with him ,but i met him when i was 15 years old and being catholic it was a nono.Then years later early twenties ,met a guy a ended up living common law and slept with him after 3 weeks ,but i knew in my heart i was going o be with him for a very long time ,which ended up 14 years.God only knows what happens but i think no matter what ,if you can care at least for the person and treat each other with respect and remember how you want to be treated in life.Sometimes i think like one gf said to me ,you just know if you both click and it happens and sometimes you grow from there.
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