yukon
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Joined: 11/8/2005
Msg: 26 | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 7:45:43 PM | that's a good question. i think a lot of people lack courtesy. to me the whole "i don't want to hurt someone's feelings so i'll just disappear and let them be hurt, confused, and alone" answer is pretty weak. i don't think it's really that hard to find a nice way to say you aren't interested in someone in that way, especially if you are really looking for friends also. it's just not that challenging to be honest.
but before you asked i would have thought this question applied more to girls than guys because i think of most girls as being less verbally direct than guys, often using "hints" instead of saying what they're thinking. i think also women have greater tendencies to avoid uncomfortable or "confrontational" situations/conversations. which often makes girls more polite, but offers less clarity.
what about the times girls have given me "wrong" telephone numbers, or right ones but somehow never been able to talk to me. i'm not clear on what some people think "i'll call you back later" means.
i think both sexes should try to be open, clear, honest, and direct with each other. at least that's the kind of girl i'm looking for. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 7:46:13 PM | | memphis, I am with you. Being an older woman, and a fairly large one at that, it is so much less taxing on my emotions for someone just to say "I'm sorry this isn't going to work" than it is to sit and wait for his call that never comes after he says he will. One requirement I now make of all my friends/lovers/family/ whomever is that they must be completely honest with me, whatever the situation. I can't take the BS anymore. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 7:55:04 PM |
Subject: Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
You know Leafgirl, it isn't just guys that do this.
There is a terrible amount of anominity on the internet. It's a numbers game as well, unfortunately. You also have a bunch of POFfers interested in instant gratification. Try to take nothing personally. You sound like you value genuine relationships over superficials ones anyway. So look at it as those guys who aren't very communicative, they're actually doing you a favor. Don't waste your time over-analyzing that! | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 8:08:18 PM | I know that girls do it too, lots of people have a hard time expressing themsleves at times, especially when they don't want to hurt somone's feelings. Just seems to me that it hurts more to have them disappear then to just be honest.
And by the way...del, what is it that you are trying to say? everything is censored, makes no sense... | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 9:29:02 PM | | sorry but I cant answer that question, Ive always been a firm believer in the tell it like it is regardless. Like yes there is the aspect where you dont want to bluntly say ok your just ugly, or something that harsh, but Ive had times where people have just stopped talking to me, times where people say they want to be friends and never talk to me again, times where Ive been honest and they just see me as a ....well I cant quote it here lol....and my favourite of all those few and far between people who are just like ok thats fine, and turn into great friends (only had that a couple of times) All and All, even at 21 I feel honesty is the best policy. Id rather hurt someone a little in the short term then crush them in the long term....oh yea and a lil thing people like to call closure. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 9:44:21 PM | In my age group when they "just disappear" I figured they've died. LOL.
Seriously I do find it annoying when someone doesn't have the common courtesy to simply say he's lost interest. After all, I'm not going to feel bad about "losing" a stranger I've never met...... although if it has been a long correspondence I'm pissed that he' wasted my time. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/9/2005 11:52:00 PM | A) Because they want to leave a window of opportunity open if they are cold and lonely on a Saturday night
B) Because they want to have EVERYONE like them (if you don't risk having anyone think ill of you... then....... ;)
C) It's easier
D) Lack of intestinal fortitude - How difficult is it to say... "I'm just not into you!"
All of the above | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 12:19:46 AM | men have no balls they will lye so that they won't hurt your feelings bbbbbbbbuuuuuutttttttt in there profile they claim that they are honest it is a bunch of bull it is so easy to be honest as 123 as dow ray me no thank's but what do they do but tell you what you want to hear so thay won't hurt you we are adult's we can take regection ddddddddaaaaa what really bygs me is they pyt in there profiles hhhhhhhhoooooonnnneeesssstttttyyyy what a bunch of bull honesty is not hard it is easy they need to learn men will call you for 1 thing if you give up a bootty call we all want to khow if he is good in bed and somtimes by you listen to them and hey say they like you and you and him are hot for eachother but we need to listen to our hearts and say nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo so we have no regrets men have no back bone they llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee they are good at that mmmmmmooooommm should have tought them better some women are good mothers and some leav it up to dad and ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh look out bad so for men in general they are from mars nd some need to go back for good and leav us good women alone or move on to a women that is stupid and takes there shit not me i read well        | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 10:47:19 AM | I have this problem too. I know how it feels to be told they aren't into you and while i appreciate their honesty and they would too, it doesn't make it any easier. I've done it both ways, just stopped talking to them and outright telling them. I feel like a schmuck either way but telling them is the best way i know. The last couple of women i told accused me of being only about looks so that makes it even harder. They don't just accept it, they strike out at you. But I can't help it if I'm not attracted to them once we meet. We can't control that. Either you are or you aren't. Maybe over time you might see them differently, but most of us aren't going to invest that time in the "hope" that we might find them attractive one day.
So it's hard. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 6:12:15 PM | I think the "wow the date went awesome and I never heard from him again" scenario breaks down into a few things:
1. He was just using you to pass the time and realized "damn she IS cool" and just wants to end it.
2. He had a REALLY great time and just got scared off by the fact it went so well.
3. He just doesn't have the guts to say he isn't interested.
4. Likes to keep a "potential" in his back pocket.
As many have stated... it feels worse when you just "dissapear". Why? Because a girl is left wondering "how could things have been SO great...yet he isn't interested now?". You start thinking "what did I do..or say that was wrong?". I'd rather appreciate a guy saying "you did THIS during the date..and I just was turned off by that", so that I am hearing about something maybe subconsciously I am just not aware of, hence learning to deal with it to not make the same mistake NEXT time around.
Also.. I respect a guy more for being honest and saying "hey I dont dig you" than just ****ing off. Afterall.. especially IF things went great...we find ourselves "giving him the benefit of the doubt", perhaps he's busy? Got caught up? Etc. Trust me guys... us women aren't as fragile as you think we are... we can take it. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 6:27:03 PM | i dont think it is limited to guys
i have been using online dating services for about 4 years on and off and there have been countless times where a woman either doesnt reply at all to me or "disappears"
i used to find it rude and get offended but now the way i see it is if they do not have the simple courtesy to say "thanks but no thanks", they are not the person for me  | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 6:45:10 PM | Maybe it's not a matter of guts. Maybe they don't know that
they aren't interested. I've done it, I feel guilty about it. You
intend to write her an email, to stay in touch, to see her
again. She's not *heinous*. But one thing or another comes
up and then it's been a week or more since you last wrote.
So now you have to explain *why* you didn't write, and
that's no fun, so you wait until tomorrow, and tomorrow,
and tomorrow. After a month, it's kind of moot. | |
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Tinkle
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Joined: 11/2/2005
Msg: 41 | |
| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 6:55:04 PM | | It seems mean to some to say they are not interested. By saying nothing, they hope you can take a hint, and maybe be on your way. There is still doubt in the mind so you aren't offended or as feel bad. Also, they think by not telling you they look better than if they did. They don't want to appear mean. Guts are sometimes ugly to look at. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 6:56:01 PM | | There are several ways to communicate one's feelings about another person. One approach is to be direct and say that I am not interested. For some, this comes across as rather blunt and crass and produces unnecessary pain/hurt. The other approach is simply not to reply at all. This equally sends a message, although it is an indirect; passive aggressive approach. When the person fails to reply, then the recipient must conclude that he/she is not interested. With no words transmitted, there are no hurt feelings; only disappointment. And we all have been disappointed at times, so we can certainly live with it, right? May I suggest a third option? It is to soften the reply by saying something to the effect: "I have met someone and am pursuing the relationship right now. In fairness to the person, I should devote my energy to only one relationship at a time." This approach softens the reply and lets the person down easily without a slam dunk. Try it. It just might work for you, too. Hamilton. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 7:11:11 PM | Hi leafgirl
It is pretty frustrating when people just disappear, isn't it? It happens with both sexes and I doubt one is any worse or better than the other in general. As you say, it is, in most cases, a plain and simple lack of guts --- coupled with callousness. These people are just too lazy and inconsiderate to spend any time dealing with someone else's hurt feelings even though they helped bring them on. It probably never occurs to their self centred minds that by simply disappearing without a word they have compounded the hurt feelings and possibly left someone hanging on waiting and wondering. I'm sure you could have accepted a polite rejection and at least had some closure about that person.
There's really no satisfactory answer except to shake your head at the callousness and rudeness of so much of the human race -- and to determine never to be such a person yourself.
Good luck to you in your search, darlin'. All men aren't like that. Keep searching for one who has some decency and count yourself lucky that you didn't get too deeply involved with the jerks! | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 9:26:08 PM | ok here it is, Men Only Want What they cant Have, make yourself available and its all over from there, blow them off and they cant leave you alone, making them wait gets there mouths watering, so it is with woman, maybe if they told you they werent interested they would be afraid of you asking them WHY NOT?? men are shallow honey, its all about tits and ass, most dont have any standards, some think they deserve a ten when they barely rank in at a 3 and should just be flattered that anyone at all talked to them!!!
treat them like 2 year olds honey, most dont say whats on there mind so you have to do the thinking for them!! | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 9:27:29 PM |
ok here it is, Men Only Want What they cant Have, make yourself available and its all over from there, blow them off and they cant leave you alone, making them wait gets there mouths watering, so it is with woman, maybe if they told you they werent interested they would be afraid of you asking them WHY NOT?? men are shallow honey, its all about tits and ass, most dont have any standards, some think they deserve a ten when they barely rank in at a 3 and should just be flattered that anyone at all talked to them!!!
treat them like 2 year olds honey, most dont say whats on there mind so you have to do the thinking for them!!
This has to be the BEST post I've read ALL night!!! | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 9:37:31 PM |
ok here it is, Men Only Want What they cant Have, make yourself available and its all over from there, blow them off and they cant leave you alone, making them wait gets there mouths watering, so it is with woman, maybe if they told you they werent interested they would be afraid of you asking them WHY NOT?? men are shallow honey, its all about tits and ass, most dont have any standards, some think they deserve a ten when they barely rank in at a 3 and should just be flattered that anyone at all talked to them!!!
treat them like 2 year olds honey, most dont say whats on there mind so you have to do the thinking for them!!
Geez...that's nice. Your so cruel. I've never wanted you so much as right now!! I MUST HAVE YOU!!
People are shallow...not just men, women are also equally as shallow. Men want women that refuse them, and women want the men they could never catch the eye of. (Although, personally, I've never wanted a woman that said "I'm not interested." Hey if you not interested...you're not interested. I can't WANT a woman that DOESN"T want the likes of me. Waste of time and energy.)
Leafgirl....I hope you realize that because one man ignores you...there will always be others to step inline and vey for your heart. | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 9:52:40 PM | | men also dont want to hurt you.... if they arnt interested it isnt cause of what you said or did or anything in particular its just you arnt their type... and instead of thinkin that the way to let you know is by tellin you they think if they just ignore you then it will be easier... which it kind of is... honestly say you were in a relationship and you guys broke up but not because anything that happened he just broke up with you but he still wanted to be friends... and it isnt anythin wrong its just he wanted to explore his world... would it not be easier to hear im sorry but i have been cheatin on you or somthing hurtfull... then it wouldnt hurt as long as watching the love of your life lookin and seein other girls... and callin you and tellin you about his date... if he did or said something bad then he would be out of your life for a while and you would have time to get over it... thats what men/women... (women do it too) think.... "if i just leave they will think im an ***hole and then they dont have to see me go out on other dates and stuff like that" honestly honey they are thinkin of you | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 10:07:32 PM |
This may have been mentioned before. Sorry, I didnt have time to read every post. It's possible that they're lying about some aspect of who they are, and would rather disapear than fess up
There really needs to be ONE dating handbook...and EVERYONE has to follow it...it would make life so much easier! | |
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| Why don't many guys have the guts to say they aren't interested?
Posted: 11/10/2005 10:42:19 PM | | AMEN SISTER!! i DON'T UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF. It happens to me all thje time and if it goes as far as them giving you theier phone number and you talk to them on phone then they just ignore you. Like you have the plague or something. We are all adults here so just come out and say look I am not interested or even lie and say they found someone. | |
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