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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 12:54:08 PM | Maybe you could alter your thread name to read "Never let your spineless, can't make her own decisions wife/gf go out with her unattached friends", because really... those are the types of women that this thread and your following post apply to.
If you're just gonna refer to the OP, then my proposed title change works really really well because then it's not even a tiny bit innaccurate. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 2:14:19 PM | Okay, after having read some of the posts here, I think I see how you strongly feel about this.
So after reading what I read, I think I can indeed come to a compromise.
I think I wouldn't have a problem with her initially during our dating , that she go out with her friends once in a while clubbing.....I think I can be reasonable in that department.
But, when it comes to the wedding day, I would believe that would have to cease, of course, I would give up going out to clubs...however, that's an easy call for me, because I don't like clubs anyways.
I can make sacrifices, I'm sure the S.O. can as well. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 2:18:13 PM |
But, when it comes to the wedding day, I would believe that would have to cease, of course, I would give up going out to clubs...however, that's an easy call for me, because I don't like clubs anyways.
I can make sacrifices, I'm sure the S.O. can as well.
What are you sacrificing, exactly? You don't enjoy the clubs, so giving it up is no sacrifice for you... the only one sacrificing in a situation like that is your partner.
And again, why do you seem to think marriage = end of life as you know it? People of ALL ages go out dancing at clubs.
All I can say is thank god you're a minority and don't represent your entire gender, or I'd seriously start reconsidering my orientation. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 2:45:01 PM |
What are you sacrificing, exactly? You don't enjoy the clubs, so giving it up is no sacrifice for you... the only one sacrificing in a situation like that is your partner.
And again, why do you seem to think marriage = end of life as you know it? People of ALL ages go out dancing at clubs.
All I can say is thank god you're a minority and don't represent your entire gender, or I'd seriously start reconsidering my orientation.
Dang, you added another "Scowl" photo to your ad...yikes!
Anyways, marriage is not the end of life, however, in life....as always there's change....some people fear change.
I am actually proud to be in the minority, considering the rest of the majority, and/or society in general, has pretty much gone to hell. | |
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Skepse
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Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 206 | |
| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 6:56:44 PM | | According to you, marriage is the end of life-- your significant other is only allowed a social life without you before marriage, thanks to your magnonimous 'compromise' and no life outside of you afterwards... at least, that's the impression your posts give! Now, in general, I don't fear change... but the kind of 'change' you're talking about, where a woman gets married and then has to do what her SO "lets" her as part of change... every woman in her right mind should fear that! Ugh. You really ought to take a long hard look at YOURSELF, not the signficant other, when you have this kind of problem...and if you can't trust him/her, get out of the relationship! In fact, get out of ANY relationships! | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 7:39:39 PM | My two cents worth...
When I was with my ex-husband, on the odd occasion, my friends would call me up and ask me to go to the bar with them. Sometimes it was a birthday or going away party or sometimes just a girls night out. Considering I had just had a baby, and worked full time, wanted to spend time with my hubby and had little opportunity to get out and socialize with my friends, naturally I would want to go. To me it was a chance to get out and socialize...and heck get a little drunk with my friends, so we could all pawn over each other at the end of the night and say "I love you..aww....give me a hug"...lol! Harmless fun, with absolutely no other intention, but to be with my friends.
My ex saw this a littttte different than I did. Everytime I would say "So and so wants me to go out for "whatever" reason...he would FLIP!!! I would ignore him, my point of course, Im just spending time with friends...if I was looking to get laid or screw around...trust me I dont have to go to a bar to get it...hehe..for one....and two I trusted him and had no issues with him going to poker parties at buddies etc and stumbling home at 4am...so was this not a double standard? He would just continue FLIPPING out on me....right to the moment of me walking out the door. At which point he would say something like "You're wearing that?"(interpretation,"You look hot tonight and I dont want other men to look at you"). I would just smile and say one thing only to him....which is what I am going to say to all of you men that think letting your women go out to the bar is a bad thing......
"Pissing me off, for no just reason, as I am an adult and have a right to make my own decisions and should be trusted enough by you that you would respect my judgement, will only succeed in making me want to do something to piss you off. In fact.... I dont know what time I will be home tonight...so dont wait up." I would go on to say, if you said "Go out dear and have a good time with your friends" you can be rest assured, I will be on my best behaviour, because you were respectful of me. I would come home early in fact, as I would be thinking, what a sweet man I have at home ...and I wouldn't even look twice if Brad Pitt walked in the room!"
So guys...little piece of advise...piss them off before they go out...cause go out they will if they feel the reason is valid....you have every right to be worried!! BUT, be respectful of them and send them out with a smile...you will be rewarded not just in their faithfulness, but in their higher thinking of you. And a woman that thinks so highly of her man, gives him much to smile about on a daily basis!!!
Last point on this ..hehe...then Im done...if someone is going to screw around on you...they will. If they are so weak, that only a little booze will bring out their cheating heart...dont kid yourself...it would have happened eventually anyway. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 7:39:57 PM | Hell, I'm not talking about chaining keeping her from any kind of social activities...it's the environment that's the issue here.
I mean, if she wants to go shopping, to the mall, hang out at her friends house and watch movies, while the husband gets the other hubbys together for a BBQ and watch the game.
That's cool
The "Marriage is the end of life" arguement is a Strawman Fallacy. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 7:59:30 PM |
I mean, if she wants to go shopping, to the mall, hang out at her friends house and watch movies, while the husband gets the other hubbys together for a BBQ and watch the game.
Yes, earlier you even said that she could go to a tupperware party, she had your permission for that. What movie do you think you're living in, that women congregate at tupperware parties or gossip at the mall oggling shoes while they're husbands bbq and drink beer in the back yard?
There are very simple points people are trying to make you understand.
1) You have zero control over what your partner does or where she goes. As her partner, you are just that, nothing more. You are not her keeper or her father, to allow her to go where YOU choose.
2) Your insecurities should not dictate HER life. If you trust her, then you know that no matter where she is or who's shes with, she'll be honorable and not do anything to lose your trust.
3) If you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be in that relationship to begin with.
4) Your opinion of the bars does not make it fact. Many people go to the bar to dance, listen to loud music and blow off steam with their friends ... and NOTHING more. Just because its not an environment YOU feel comfortable in does not mean that your partner should change the things she enjoys to cater to you.
5) Just because YOU think going out and having fun should stop after marriage does not make it right. People who do not get breaks from their household, their children, day to day responsibilities in general, are not balanced people. Everyone needs to relax from time to time, and if your partner has a good time at a bar dancing, then you have no right in the world to restrict her. I'm sure you'll do many things she wont approve of, but if she loves you, and TRUSTS you, she'll be understanding about it and want you to be happy. You want her to be happy, but only on YOUR terms. That's a selfish and controlling behavior. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 9:02:13 PM | | I wasnt going to write more......But I just LOVE this issue so I will, if only to amuse myself. First of all, all the people talking about "letting"......I think you may just be playing symantics and it does not address the real issue. No one is able to let or not let, but there are usually some boundaries. And I agree with the people who say, "well if they can do it til 2am, so can I". But the real question comes when the other person is NOT doing it. Then, are you not keeping a double standard?? And the real question is one of trust. On either side.....Do you or do you not trust your SO going out partying by themselves on a regular basis?? I have tried it, folks, every way from sunday and it is a recipe for TROUBLE. It is a recipe for trouble if I did it, its a recipe for trouble if you do it. I am not talking about going to the movies. I am talking body shots at the bar. I am talking being there two or three nights a week. I am talking walking in the door at 7 am. Does any of that prove someone is messing around?? No, but PULEASE dont tell me that you would trust that kind of behavior, because you wouldnt. Saying "oh, you guys are so great that say you trust your SO no matter what" OK, those guys are saying what they feel they have to say. Come in at 7 am and see what the real reaction is. This has nothing to do with anyone having unattatched friends either. It has to do with the overall behavior of the person. Thier friends cant make them cheat. They make themselves cheat and I can tell you from being around it, thier friends, more often than not, get a little pissed when they do that (cheating that is) because they spend less time with their friends as a result. As for flirting, man, I dont know of anyone who has not joked around harmlessly while attatched. But there is flirting, then there is FLIRTING. And Ive been around long enough and seen enough to know the difference or at least where one should draw the line. But here is one thing......why even reserve this issue to just women, thats what I dont get. Do you seriously think that groups of guys dont do the same things? Guys, they are MORE likely to do it. I know, Ive been around them. Thats why I usually hang out with females. Because guys are obsessed with their penis, their car and their job. Its boring as hell!!!! For all of you guys who are not, I humbly apologize, of course and realize that some of the cave has gone out of men over the centuries. But, you have to admit, it really is about 95% of what you see. Girls in bars like to flirt and tease. It is RARE and I mean RARE, to see one go home with.....even the BEST looking guy in the place. They just usually arent that skanky (and for all of you who are that skanky, I humbly apologize to you too). But hey, its the BEHAVIOR I dont trust, when its all combined together. Its hard to pinpoint but easy to see if you have been on the recieving end. So fellas, the gals will do what they want anyway, what difference does it make?? I still say there are boundaries in relationships and there is less trust in the beginning than later on. Its human nature and you cant get past that. I personally wont be with a girl that goes out drinking three nights a week or whatever because I have seen what happens to me when I do. So the deal is, see what she does from the beginning and dont be so obsessed with her that you are afraid to let her go if she is a HO!!! It really is very simple. Forget about the "lets" and all that other BS. I, personally, would just be happy if some of you would get out from behind the computer and come out to HAVE a drink with me. It is hard enough just to do that. Also, the non panties girl guy.....whoever he was.....I have to say, if a girl doesnt want to wear panties man, she can free ball it if she wants to.....I dont see a problem with that. We cant tell them what to wear or where to go......it just doesnt work. So set up boundaries in the beginning because I bet you liked that non panty wearing girl when you thought that was just with you. But see, you should never have gone out with a non panty wearing girl, if thats what you did not want. Its that simple!! | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 9:04:57 PM | | Oh yeah......one more thing I forgot. Dont guys know strip clubs are only fun if you bring girls in with you?? Me and my ex (and no smart asses, thats not why we split) went and had alot of fun. I guess you can call me old fashioned but, I kinda like to do things WITH my SO. I generally dont start seeing someone so I can try to ditch them later on. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 9:24:28 PM |
Do you or do you not trust your SO going out partying by themselves on a regular basis?? I have tried it, folks, every way from sunday and it is a recipe for TROUBLE. It is a recipe for trouble if I did it, its a recipe for trouble if you do it. I am not talking about going to the movies. I am talking body shots at the bar. I am talking being there two or three nights a week. I am talking walking in the door at 7 am.
I agree with you, based on that type of behavior. My issue with this entire thread is the idea that the bar is an inappropriate place to socialize at ANY time ... that a married woman with or without a child should not go out or be seen with single friends ... that permission is granted to attend tupperware parties but not a night out with friends once in a while (by this I mean a reasonable time frame ... a few times a week is NOT healthy for a responsible adult, relationship or not) to go dancing.
If someone enjoys going out to the bar for the night out (again, based on a reasonable time period .. not nightly or semi-nightly type of thing) ... if thats how they relax and unwind, I don't see anything wrong with it. As stated several times in this thread, if someone is going to cheat, they're going to do it eventually, anytime or anyplace.
Really it does boil down to trust in THAT type of situation, and insecurities. If both are secure in their relationship, and there is trust, then none of this ever becomes an issue. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 10:18:02 PM | Posted By: Hambone352
regarding: "Anyways, marriage is not the end of life, however, in life....as always there's change....some people fear change."
Here is something for you to consider from a flip side of the coin:
I was the ultimate wife…(From a Mrs. Cleaver stand point) married at 20 and he was 22, so we were both young idiots; I gave up my career, moved 8 hours from my family, gave up my identity, cooked cleaned and worked but never had a career because that would take up too much time, never went out with friends, spent 10 years (count them 10) moving from one place to another for his career…..we moved at least 16 times…. Now did he DEMAND I do this? No, it was a ‘given’ based on my upbringing and his, and his ‘convincing me that this is what partners do’…(You know, the whole scary 'change' you mentioned)…I gave up my life, my goals, my wishes, my hopes and my dreams and that type of marriage killed my entire soul…we both found ourselves miserable as Hell. (Fortunately we grew into intelligent people, divorced amicably, and are still friends-but it could have ended very differently)
I’m telling you this because my biggest fear is that you will find some young, stupid woman who will agree with you and think what you’re asking is logical (and it really, really isn’t) and you will think you have a happy life but you will slowly kill who she is…or she will live her life in private while you’re not looking…(which is exactly what you are afraid of)
Marriage is about two very happy, completely grounded, complete individuals with their own lives, joining together to make one very wonderful union…..never and I mean never, should one person give up who they are the minute they are married. “Clubbing’ is not who any person is and I believe you simply mean that you do not want her going out ‘to pick up guys’ at a bar…well that should have stopped the minute you entered into a committed relationship so her going to a “club’ is irrelevant; you don’t trust her when she gets there and that is an entirely different issue……(Who knows, maybe you’d have completely valid reasons not to trust her, but in that case don’t be with her)
And you have to understand I didn’t do any of those things in one swoop: It started out by asking me to move, then to give up my career, then to work less hours, then to do all the housework, then to do all the cooking to save money, then to move here and then to move there so he could make more money....You may start by asking her not to go to the club, then maybe not out with ‘that” friend’, or maybe not to ‘this place’…etc…..
I would never, ever ask a man to give up who he is or change his life so drastically to marry me. In fact I would refuse to marry him if he agreed to do so... | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 10:34:59 PM | i really don't think a lot of women want to go out partying with their friends when they are in a committed relationship. most of my friends spent most of their time with their partners. of course we got together and partied together, but it wasn't the same. if you say you love someone, it's better to show them by wanting to spend time with them. wanting to run with your friends every weekend wouldn't show me that you wanted to be with me. it shows me you'd rather be with your friends. there should be a change when you commit to someone. there is nothing wrong with having friends, but they should not take priority over your relationship. if they do, then you have your priorities in the wrong place and your relationship will probably not survive. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/14/2005 10:42:59 PM | Posted By: Crunchberries
"No one is able to let or not let, but there are usually some boundaries."...
"I still say there are boundaries in relationships "
Yes there should always be boundaries in any committed relationship…but the truth is we really shouldn’t have to set them for the other person. If someone is crazy about you, they would start setting their own, and maybe that’s an indicator of how they really feel….and we know we can’t set the boundaries for the other person any way, so we need to trust our instincts right from the beginning on how much respect our SO shows us by their actions, and don’t ignore them if they aren’t respectful, and then try to demand later that they make changes….
Words are only words and we really do show someone how much we do or do not care about them totally by our actions……and that includes appropriate or inappropriate behavior around the opposite sex…and come on, we know if what we are doing crosses a line, we don’t need a rule book…we shouldn’t ever put the other person in the position of even having to bring up the subject’ Hey sweetie, when you go dancing with your friends will you make sure to wear underwear under the mini skirt?”… LOL
Ok, unspoken rule number one in any committed relationship 1) At no time while around other persons is there to be the bearing of any exposed genitalia under any circumstances….but that is just me…LOL I can't imagine any woman being OK with her guy walking around other women with his fly unzipped and hanging 'it' out, so I have to side with the guy with the 'no panties girlfriend' on that one......
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 12:19:34 AM |
I was the ultimate wife…(From a Mrs. Cleaver stand point) married at 20 and he was 22, so we were both young idiots; I gave up my career, moved 8 hours from my family, gave up my identity, cooked cleaned and worked but never had a career because that would take up too much time, never went out with friends, spent 10 years (count them 10) moving from one place to another for his career…..we moved at least 16 times…. Now did he DEMAND I do this? No, it was a ‘given’ based on my upbringing and his, and his ‘convincing me that this is what partners do’…(You know, the whole scary 'change' you mentioned)…I gave up my life, my goals, my wishes, my hopes and my dreams and that type of marriage killed my entire soul…we both found ourselves miserable as Hell.
I agree with you completely.
If you look at each person as having a circle around them. Within this circle is who and what they are. When two people meet, their circles start to overlap. Now a healthy relationship has this overlap stop at some point. A point where they have enough of themselves left to be individuals, and still have enough overlap to actually have a functional relationship. Unfortunately in all too many relationships one persons subsumes the others circle and looses themselves within their partner.
While seeing a marriage therapist with my ex, the woman once said that a typical week should be 3 to 4 evenings of doing stuff together, each deciding equally in what those activities should be. And the other 3 to 4 days of the week should be activities that don't require being together. That this way each person gets a chance to be themselves as well as be a couple. Of course much of this changes when kids come into the relationship, but the principle is still the same. Each and every person needs personal time to do their own things. Now if you can't trust them to do their own things without you, then you either have issues about trust, or you shouldn't be in the relationship with the person. All relationships need trust to work. The moment the trust is gone, so pretty much is the relationship, unless both people do some considerable work to fix the trust.
The reverse of this is children and parents. The child starts subsumed within the parents person, and over time breaks free to become their own person. Of course many parents out there would prefer that this wouldn't happen, but thats a completely different conversation. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 12:28:01 AM | The day I ever hear from my guy, "I'll LET you go out with your friends..." or hear myself saying that to him is the day I want someone... anyone of you.. to just shoot me dead.
Yeah. That's right. If I ever get so paranoid or shack up with someone so paranoid, well then I just don't want to live amongst you anymore, earthlings.
If you can't trust your mate to be without you for a night, whether it be once a month, once a week, a couple times a week... and so on... Well that's the day you have no business being in a relationship with anyone.
Sorry... | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 1:30:03 AM | As mentioned before there must be trust....Ula put it in no uncertain terms.....
that trust however must not be betrayed...
If she has fallen for someone else and is honest about it-
I can accept it (like there is a choice) -after throwing tantrums for a week and boiling her pet rabbit...LOL.
I also find-in my case at least -the partner who is obsessed with anothers whereabouts is the one with the problem and most likely to cheat (Hambone -you are a potential philanderer-LOL)
Reminds me of the saying "there is no honour among thieves"...thus a thief by vitue of occupation is pre-occupied (LOL) that his property will be stolen. | |
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rings
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 219 | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 3:13:39 AM | "I would never, ever ask a man to give up who he is or change his life so drastically to marry me. In fact I would refuse to marry him if he agreed to do so."
It's one thing give up everything...but come on, I'm just talkin about a bar here.  Not to de-rail the topic here, but I have known some divorced women that have given up everything for their man....THEN go the other extreme and....for some reason, think they actually Deserve to be selfish in their next relationship.
You will actually hear women give their testimonial by saying, "I gave up my life for this man" only to go the other extreme.
I'm just talking about givin up the club scene...not your entire life.
Just keep it in the middle, and stay away from bars. Hell, did anyone ever tell yall that bars are the worst place to meet a potential partner? lol (Of course, that's for all you unattached people out there)
Also, I'm far from a potential philanderer, I don't see the point in getting a piece from someone else, when I'm already getting it from my current partner.
As far as "Letting" her go clubbing, I think no one saw my retraction ( I guess its because the women just love rubbing it in. lol)
How bout I just "Politely show my disapproval" then. (but not to the point where its too McFly-ish/ wimpy)
Anyone ever tell you all, that the clubs are the worst place to meet a potential partner? I mean, think about it, if you have met someone there...and she likes to club...well, you know what kind of lifestyle she lives anyways. lol
And I'm not just leaving out the men who like to go clubbin either. | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 4:21:24 AM | Be that as it may Hambone...if you end up with a woman, who on occasion, sees nothing wrong with going out with her friends to the bar, as she may just need to get out and let her hair down, dance, socialize with her friends or whatever the case may be...regardless of how you feel about it, it would be in your best interest to let her go. Right or wrong is based on each individual...so if she feels it allright and you feel its wrong, that is both your prerogative and your right as individuals to feel that way. What a relationship is supposed to be about is respecting each others differences though. You would be wise to keep that in mind should this situation ever cross your path. There may come a day where she will not agree with something you do, but respect that is a part of who you are, and accept whatever it is that you have done.
One more comment...to all of you who think that letting your other go to a bar, opens up a greater chance of them to meet someone else....absolutley right. Sure there is a good chance that they could meet someone. However, you should be able to trust them enough to do what is right. Allow a person to make their own decisions, dont make them for them or you may end up with nothing. And again..if someone is going to cheat on you...they will do it eventually, no matter where they go. In fact, I have heard of far more people cheating on their others with someone they met at work. You all going to tell your woman she can't go to work now, " cause statistics show..."....lol.
Lighten up on the bar thing guys....just a little advice from a faithful woman, that knows other faithful women. | |
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Skepse
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Joined: 9/17/2004
Msg: 222 | |
| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 5:37:26 AM | | It's not about whether it's in a bar or not! I'm not a huge fan of bars as a place to socialize, personally (but that's just personal opinion-- I'd rather be outdoors!)...but it's your attitude about it! It is NOT your place to say where she does and does not go, regardless of the relationship... well, unless she's 2 and your her father, but I'm guessing that's not the case. Also, you're making some very poor generalizations about the people who are in bars/clubs... generalizations based on a stereotype which isn't accurate.... but that's really beside the point. IF you're going to be with someone, then have enough respect and trust for her to think she's not going to cheat on you-- after all (as so many others have said), acting the way you're talking about is just creating a self-fulfilling prophesy. Relationships are about love, trust, and respect... if you don't have them, you shouldn't be in a relationship. And if you think it's your place to tell her what 'sacrifices' and 'changes' she's going to make... well, you really shouldn't be in a relationship in that case! | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 5:44:48 AM | | well I would be questioning why my husband would be having a guys night every wknd but I would trust him what is a relationship without it. I don't think ppl who are single neccessarily have insecurity issues anymore than those who are attached. If I went out with my attached/married friends I would never encourage them to cheat on their spouse. I also think that if it was me who was married and my mates were saying stuff like that then it would show the respect they have for my husband and I wouldn't be there in the 1st place | |
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| Never let your girlfriend/wife go out with her unattached friends
Posted: 11/15/2005 8:34:47 AM | .
There is nothing at all wrong with stopping at a bar or café with friends for a bite to eat and to talk. It’s quite different, however, to go out to dance clubs and socialize.
If I were in a relationship with someone, sure I would trust her. And, if she feels the need to be out dancing in the bars, I probably would not say much of anything about it. I would, however, quietly fade myself out of that relationship.
Some posters here worry about the word “let.” Well, I do not “let” anyone do anything. Fact is, I expect anyone I am calling friend and companion to have free determination and be perfectly willing to make up their own mind about things. My right in the relationship, though, is to walk away when I do not like the decisions she makes. I will, too. No muss, no fuss, I’ll just be gone.
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