|
|
|
|
|
| | Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 11 of 17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17) | Dave1234:
“he was having his cake and eating it to”…we did in fact have sex a few times, but the rest of the more than 40-50 times we saw each other he was “too tired or not in the mood”…he had a woman living with him for the companionship and the sex when he wanted it when it was convenient (me) and sex outside the relationship from someone else…(apparently because no one else would live with him)
And yes there are plenty of elderly people who cheat, and plenty of elderly people who get divorced…just because you haven’t heard of any personally doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I know of examples, so once again your answer is still wrong....
So I’m sorry to burst your bubble by completely proving your theory wrong that people only cheat when they aren’t getting the sex they want “at home”. Many times, they want EVERYTHING; sex with the person they claim to be committed to, and sex with anyone else outside of that arrangement that they meet and want to have sex with….So I’m done discussing this with you because you need your answer to be correct and it just simply isn’t….
You clearly want to believe what your saying no matter how many people tell you otherwise…..Also I believe you may have been one of the people that was on another forum where it was asked if it was OK to cheat if the sex in the marriage is not good or non-existant? Almost every single person told you and the two other persons “no” but you all argued for pages…
However THIS forum asks if you can forgive a one-time cheater…
The overwhelming answer (whether it gives you the answer you prefer or not)
Seems to be
“Yes you can forgive”
“This is probably not the first or last time they cheat”
“You will most likely never forget about it and be able to trust them again”
“The relationship as you know it is most likely over”
So please stick to the original question and/or go start another ‘Is it OK to cheat on your spouse?” forum because that is not what this forum was about, and you droning examples make no sense here and don't help the OP out with the original question at all…. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 1:26:16 AM | well, i can't really say if it is forgiveable or forgetable, but i don't think a cheater is always a cheater, it all depends on the circumstances.
Its like the guy could work alot and not have anytime for his loved one and in time, she ends up cheating on him with a guy for some companionship.
The guys would do the same if their women were working alot, even if they were totally loyal, they would get so lonely that they would look for someone else to spend time with and bam, cheating accurs.
Normally this situation gets the person working too much to spend more time with their loved ones and less time working and there would be no cheating.
but when its just plain sleeping around even though the loved one is available alot of the time, then that is totally unacceptable.
If i was working too much, and i caught her at it and she told me why she did it, i would work something out and work less and spend more with her, but if she cheated because she could and wanted to, then i wouldn't give her a second chance.
If i was with a woman and she got promoted and she worked more and spended time with me less, i would try to get her to spend more time with me, but in the end i would likely find other source for companionship or i could just get a dog and take him/her for walks and have companionship that way and hope i don't go through sex withdrawl. lol j/k
but in the end, it depends on the circumstances that causes the cheating | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:31:14 AM | We were in the process of moving in together...i caught him cheating...he was the model b/f before this mind you...he proposed a week after the incident...the proposal lasted for three days consisting of him crying throughout the entire time and going on about wanting me to be his wife and wanting mini versions of me..etc. etc....i didn't feel an ounce of compassion for him...when you break trust and break your partners heart you can only expect your partner to end it...it's a natural consequence...how did i deal with it...i went to europe for 17 days to recollect...although i didn't confront the issue until the last day of my trip...end result...i figure..i'll give it time being separate and apart from him...if i can live w/o him...i will...if not then i'll try working it out...low and behold...i got over it..time heals all i tell ya...and have since met other greater love relationships that were far more trustworthy...go figure | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 5:10:14 AM |
(Msg 252) we did in fact have sex a few times, but the rest of the more than 40-50 times we saw each other he was “too tired or not in the mood”…he had a woman living with him for the companionship and the sex when he wanted it when it was convenient (me) and sex outside the relationship from someone else…(apparently because no one else would live with him)
So I’m sorry to burst your bubble by completely proving your theory wrong that people only cheat when they aren’t getting the sex they want “at home”. Many times, they want EVERYTHING; sex with the person they claim to be committed to, and sex with anyone else outside of that arrangement that they meet and want to have sex with
Perhaps my rephrasing will aid in your understanding. He wasn't getting the sex he wanted. That is the reason he only had sex a few times out of 40 or 50 opportunities. Any man interested in only sex will have sex with his partner and sex with others. When a man, interested in only sex, refuses sex with his ready and willing partner there is a high probability there is a problem with the partner. And to clarify another error I did not say people only have affairs because they are not getting sex at home. I have said that is one of the main reasons.
So please stick to the original question and/or go start another...forum because that is not what this forum was about,
You are not the author of this thread so it is not your place to judge the validity or usefulness of other's comments with respect to it but all is not lost. Do the words overbearing and controlling ring a bell? It certainly explains why a man interested in sex only would refuse your offer and look elsewhere.
Before you start beating up your keyboard I'll connect the dots for you. The OP wrote,
Has anyone ever been in a loving relationship and find out someone cheated, during a fight, when drinking or in some other capacity. Did the relationship survive? If so, how do you get past it?
I knew a couple who got past it for at least two years until I lost touch with them after moving. Or in some other capacity? The wife was controlling and overbearing and drove the guy into the arms of another woman. Counselling resulted in her toning down her superior, arrogant attitude which was the catalyst for the affair.
The reason for the affair has a direct effect on whether or not a couple can move past it and denying one's partner adequate sex or being overbearing and controlling, making sex with one's partner about as enjoyable as a trip to the dentist, is not the same as one simply running around. Deliberate acts/attitudes displayed with the intention of influencing one's partner not to want sex is no different than denying sex. It's sort of a passive/aggressive version.
So, yes, people can move past it if they have been and are willing to accept their complicity in it.
Happy Holidays, Amberzamber. Regardless of our individual circumstances we can both be thankful we are not in a relationship with each other!  | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 7:54:27 AM | Has anyone ever been in a loving relationship and find out someone cheated?
Well, I've been through this. Married 13 years, had 4 kids, blah blah blah. Wife had an affair. I found out. Things were not good. After the dust settled and I looked at things rationally, my thought was: "we'd had at least 10 good years together and I thought that our issues were manageable." So I forgave her and prepared to move on. I did not keep bringing up the affair, nor did I make an issue out of it if we were fighting about some stupid thing. Well, guess what? She did it again.
We've been divorced going on six years, and I have full custody of the children...
My 2 cents... | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 8:34:37 AM | I would forgive her because, let us face it: You can never say i will not do X because you will do it 100 times. Sure, it will leave a scar on ya, but hey, we all make mistakes.
Sometimes fights, and especially drinking, can cause you to make mistakes that can be very serious.
Now, if this person is forgiven, and gets into circumstances that will lead to something again, and does it, then you must leave the relationship.
Just a thought.... | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 9:12:38 AM | i was married and found out my husband was cheating.....i forgive him but i also divorced him. Once a cheater i believe always one. How can you make any relationship work if there isn't trust? My best advice is to move on and find someone better which you deserve. He obviously didn't love you enough to not put himself in a situation where he might be tempted.....leaving my ex was the best thing i ever did......and i will find the right person for me when it is time.
K | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:19:07 PM | thisgirlismissingonething is right on the money.
I said earlier in the thread once a cheater always a cheater and I do believe that. Can that person be forgiven???? Yes, they can but to try and continue on could be futile. There are some people who can handle this and there are those who can't. To me once that trust is abused to that point it never will be the same. I am sure even those who tried to patch things up will even have to admit to that. That is of course if they are not lying and then again isn't this what the whole thread really is about? How much lying are you willing to tolerate in order to keep a farce from being exposed????
As always take any words spoken or written in it's proper context. I'm just trying to communicate here.
(Digital Can Of Spray Paint Sprays.......) "I Was Here!" | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:21:13 PM | everyone deserves a second chance , i think you should definetely forgive a one time cheater, everyone makes mistakes. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/26/2005 3:17:12 PM | | we are all human, we make mistakes. If it keeps repeating itself, then it is not a mistake, it means they do not love you and that person has got to go... | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:12:01 PM | Dave1234:
The question is "Can you forgive a one time cheater?” and not under which circumstances is OK or should you rationalize.
Have you cheated and only done it once? Did they forgive you and did it work out? If you are the cheater and you’ve done it multiple times, that is irrelevant to the POF’s question….if you've never cheated nor been cheated on than I am confused as to how your posts answer the POF’s question…maybe I am the only one who doesn’t get that….
We are assuming that the POF is not the cheater, and she would like an honest answer as to whether or not anyone has forgiven the cheating person, and if so, has it ever worked out for anyone when they did so?...
The overwhelming answer from people who have been cheated on regardless of the circumstances, seems to be:
“Yes you can forgive but won’t be able to forget”
“This is probably not the first or last time they have cheated or will cheat ”
“You will most likely never be able to trust them again therefore the relationship as you know it is most likely over”
>>>You are not the author of this thread so it is not your place to judge the validity or usefulness of other's comments with respect to it but all is not lost. Do the words overbearing and controlling ring a bell? It certainly explains why a man interested in sex only would refuse your offer and look elsewhere.>>>
Am I supposed to be offended by that? (sniff) Oh yeah you have all the reasons someone should get a "get out of cheating free card".........nice try Dave, but your points are still not valid.....Oh that's right your married but on a dating website to only meet women..or did you change it to say your just lving with someone? ..... LOL I'm sorry your opinions have my utmost respect.... | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:56:42 PM | "i'm talking about normal people not cheaters in thier nature..... "
Forgive or accept? a one time cheater can be told from a serial cheater only through time together. Did s/he mean what s/he said and promised? I think it has to do with how well you trust your knowledge of your partner. People with lots of integrity still make mistakes, and the cheating partner might fall in that 'box'. Sometimes I think we take this 'cheating' so harshly, like it is the end of it all, because we see our partners as our property. "If the appliance let me down, I will look for another one, only this time I will be more careful about the features". Unless cheating is part of an overall deceiving nature, I think it is not so much about the 'mistake' as it is how the couple deal with it.
Take care
Trix
 | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/28/2005 3:55:36 AM |
(Msg 266)….if you've never cheated nor been cheated on than I am confused as to how your posts answer the POF’s question.......... We are assuming that the POF is not the cheater, and she would like an honest answer as to whether or not anyone has forgiven the cheating person, and if so, has it ever worked out for anyone when they did so?...
I have related the story (Msg 255) of another couple I knew who were together two years after the affair showing it is possible to work it out. I lost contact with the couple after that.
Oh that's right your married but on a dating website to only meet women..or did you change it to say your just lving with someone?
Once again, you are incorrect. I have never said I was married and I am not married. I live with my partner. We have both agreed marriage is not a good financial move.
Oh yeah you have all the reasons someone should get a "get out of cheating free card".........nice try Dave, but your points are still not valid.....
Like anything else there are multiple reasons for an affair. Considering the major concern is the sex involved that is the issue I am addressing. If one is withholding sex then it is to be expected their partner will look for it elsewhere. As for your opinions on my posts they will be given all the consideration they deserve. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/28/2005 4:04:58 AM |
(Msg 267) Sometimes I think we take this 'cheating' so harshly, like it is the end of it all, because we see our partners as our property.
Exactly! | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/28/2005 10:16:04 PM | Falling in love is PURE emotion….So I think it’s only natural to be emotional if you think you’ve been severely betrayed: I’ve never known a person to be walking down the street, all their clothes fell off and they accidentally tripped and fell on another naked person, accidentally having sex with the other person. I think the whole issue is that cheating may be the overall deceiving nature once someone’s conscience allows them to do it once….
Even God said that adultery was an acceptable reason for a couple to get divorced even though God advocates forgiveness.....Maybe God himself understood the heartache that cheating could cause….When Joseph planned to secretly divorce Mary when he became aware she was pregnant with Jesus, God did not tell him not to do it on the grounds of forgiveness, he told him that she had never cheated on him and had not in fact been with another man…
and yes, in one sense we do in fact own our partners and they us, we agreed to this in front of God and man and agreed to forsake all others...it was a mutual decision to give ourselves over freely to the other person (Maybe that is why some people will not say wedding vows….maybe some think if they aren’t really married than they aren’t really cheating )
And it makes things even more emotional since, extremely ignorant and self-righteous people insist (as one person on here has made a point of stating over and over) that cheating is most likely the non-cheaters fault in some major way for not providing enough of/ or too much of something :sex, attention, being their own person, standing up for them selves; whatever other excuses they have why a person would cheat, and ZERO compassion for the innocent party….some people just need to believe the voices in their own conscience and need to think that the other person must have been in some way responsible…
And unfortunately it doesn’t take two people to end a marriage (I even believed that when I was a child until I saw way to many examples the other way around) but generally the innocent spouse/partner is severely raked over the coals when all is said and done…..
We are passionate about our jobs, our family, our friends and even some people about their houses and cars and food, so I say if you don't see cheating as emotional and judge it harshly, you probably never had any real mental or emotional investment in the partnership to begin with.
On that note this topic has become too depressing for me, mostly due to the people who will condone it until their very last breathe...so my heart goes out to anyone now in that situation, who has come to this post for some type of solace and closure....may your heart heal rapidly, and if you decide to stay with your partner may you truly become trusting and loving to each other and have the relationship that you previously believed was there.... | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 3:40:25 AM |
(Msg 270) in one sense we do in fact own our partners and they us, we agreed to this in front of God and man and agreed to forsake all others...it was a mutual decision to give ourselves over freely to the other person
Exactly and many affairs are the result of one not giving ourselves over freely to the other person. I've even heard people use excuses like "Not in the mood." | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 5:38:04 PM | | Yes....and I have. Once a cheater, always a cheater does not hold true 100% of the time...some do learn by their mistakes. But, to forget?....a whole different story....impossible to forget. To forgive AND forget never go hand in hand. | |
|
ya472
| | Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 273 | |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 6:22:12 PM | ..
A one time cheater means only got caught once.
What I am curious about, how many people were cheating before they found out their partner/spouse was ??????
How convenient it is, for them to lay the blame on the ONE who was CAUGHT first.
lol
Forgiving. It is relative now, isn't it?
.. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 7:13:49 PM |
(Msg 274) What I am curious about, how many people were cheating before they found out their partner/spouse was ??????
Ahhh, good question. I'm curious about how many people made excuses for not having sex...too tired, upset at some slight, not in the mood....then go wacko when they find out their partner is getting it somewhere else. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 12/29/2005 11:10:00 PM | Ya472, I love your quote: 'A one time cheater means only got caught once'.
That's exactly what I meant in my previous post. How can you tell if that will be their last time? How can you even tell it was the first time? I always try to see the whole picture. In my opinion, a cheater is not someone who's uncaring only in the physical loyalty. In fact, it would be interesting to have a discussion about a cheater's profile... Anyone wanting to play profiler????
Ya472, if both were cheating, and it was only of matter of who was found out first, well, that's different. In that case, I would say, there's no lost love.
The gurus of relationships say that the past is the best predictor of the future. I rather believe in the power of people to change. However, I believe that nobody will change for the sake of another person. We change only when we realise that what we are doing does not serve us.
Have fun and Happy New Year!!!!!!
Trix
| |
|
|
|
|
Page
11
of
17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
|
|
Home
login 