|
|
|
|
|
| | Can you forgive a one time cheater?Page 7 of 17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17) | First of all let me say that yes I have been cheated on, and yes it broke my heart, and yes we ended up not together, obvousily. In the end, I am friends with the woman that he cheated on me with, good friends, and still friends with him.
I believe that it is all a mind frame. Each individual is different, so therefor our mind sets will be different. Generalizing is a no,no folks. Each curcimstance deserves to be treated seperatly. Love is not black and white, and there are alot of grey areas involved in any relationship, unless it is one of those emotionaless ones.
There has to be an underlying problem for someone to cheat. Maybe its the cheater, maybe its the one getting cheated on, or maybe, just maybe it might be both of them? Any one think of that?
I dont agree with cheating, but am an open minded adult, that can see that sometimes things happen, always 2 sides to the story, and that maybe that person didnt know another way to get out of something that they didnt want to be in. Or maybe they are one of those sex addicts, that has proved to exist?
This world is great isnt it? Wouldnt be to fun if we were all alike would it?
When u love someone isnt it suppose to be unconditional? I am not saying to give them the go ahead to do it again, but if u truly love them wouldnt it be worth the try to make it work, and dig deep to find out why they did it to begin with?
I love my kids unconditionally and cant imagine telling them to hit the door for calling someone else MOM. Or for loving someone else as a mother figure?
thats my 2 for now
 | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 8:41:15 AM |
Come on now man. Don't talk to us like we're rookies, especially on a topic you haven't experienced. Until you have it happen to you, you can only speculate.
You are correct, I'm only speculating. I cannot offer practical advice on how to forgive a cheater. I've never gone through that. But I've gone through other stuff that's been on the same level of betrayal as cheating. It's not exactly the same experience, but it's given me a perspective on what I could forgive and what I'd find inexcusable.
You are exactly right boxcubed, there are too many people making too many excuses about too many things that aren't perfect in their lives. I have no sympathy for cheaters if their cheating is due completely to their lacking in the communication department. For I truly believe that if partners stopped playing gender-based relationship games and fully shared their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and ambitions, there would be less cheating. For the partners would have developed trust and respect and cheating would become a non-issue.
If anything, I'm asking people to de-personalize the issue, and consider other relationship issues that are as despicable or deplorable or maybe moreso as cheating; such as alcoholism, drug abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, fiscal irresponsibility, etc., where forgiveness is offered to the abuser. Sometimes the relationship continues to the benefit of both participants. Not saying the forgiveness should be conditionally or unconditionally offered carte blanche to anyone who isn't giving as much as they are receiving. I understand this is not cut and dry; if you don't agree with me it's not that you are a "rookie"; and it's not that I lack self-esteem and have a different opinion; it's just that you feel real strongly about the topic, and there certainly is nothing wrong with having strong feelings. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:01:54 AM | well said.
the other relationship issues you stated, though extremely volatile, are not up there with the gross betrayal of trust and deceit that describes making the decision to become intimate with a third party while your mate of choosing remains faithful. i'm quite sure that at some point those very same issues are partly to blame for the reason the guilty party decided to make the decision they did, but they do not excuse the fact that said guilty party consciously made the decision to engage in such activity.
i really don't see how the issue can be seen in anything but black and white. if you are unhappy, leave. i already foresee the arguements of how "hard it is to leave once you're so far entrenched in a marriage that it would turn your entire world upside down...."
and cheating won't? it won't in some cases cost you your house and your children? in some more extreme cases it won't cost you a bullet in the chest? in all cases, it won't cost you the trust and respect of your partner?
trust is the issue here. when a dog bites someone, no matter how well behaved it's been, it's put down. the trust is gone. there is no telling when or if it'll do it again. an extreme example of this same betrayal of trust is called treason. in this country, we put people to death for it. we expect some level of integrity from those who swear allegiance to us, and once compromised, it's not that we want vengeance for the injustices done to us. we want justice and the assurance that it'll never happen again.
humans aren't perfect. we are far from it. but we know the difference between right and wrong. we know the difference between truth and deceit. hot and cold. black and white. we expect people to be accountable for their actions. and they expect to be able to throw themselves on the mercy of the court. everything'll be alright. it's because of the wonderful word "forgiveness" that they dare to do it in the first place. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:23:18 AM |
If the relationship didn't mean anything to them then they would leave. If the cheater wants to stay in the relationship then the relationship must mean something to them.
No, it means the person wants to have their cake, and eat it too. If the cheater is getting sex and nuturing at home, then sex and excitement with the other person, why leave?? | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 11:57:02 AM | | How do you define cheating or betrayal? I think it's very complicated. It's simple when both partners have agreed to be exclusive and one strays. What about if you have never had that talk and someone sleeps with someone else, in a situation void of emotion, but actually love someone else, is that cheating themselves? Or, you're in a relationship for a year...you break up and immediately go out and sleep with someone else...doesn't that demean the relationship just as much? | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 12:26:46 PM | Good examples, Dimples.
Unless we hook up with a virgin we all know our partner has been with someone else, at some time. I don't condone affairs but I feel they have to be put into perspective. As QueenBee says, "I believe that it is all a mind frame."
Society seems all too eager to say the person doesn't love their partner or they feel their partner is inadequate sexually but that is not necessarily the case. People advocate running out and getting a divorce but it is not them doing the advocating who is divorcing. People who are angry and hurt due to an affair are going to be a lot more angry and hurt as the divorce proceeds. They end up hurting themselves while trying to hurt their partner. Counselling is the route wise people take. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 1:22:34 PM | no way! once a cheater always a cheater. Oh, he will promise you the world and it will never happen Again . But will you actually believe him? Also, if your the one that is involved with a cheating spouse, do you think if you do win him he won't cheat on you? Once one always one! | |
|
| |
HB2
| | Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 159 | |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 2:11:40 PM | Not always a matter of joining the bandwagon...
I learned it the hard way...
I do realize that not everyone is the same but I just cannot risk it anymore that way... | |
|
| |
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/22/2005 5:13:40 PM |
This is a classic example of bandwagon philosophy
Bandwagons, like stereotypes, become so because their is honesty at their root. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/23/2005 5:29:40 AM | Find the underlying problem!!!!
There is always rhyme for reason. The guy that cheated on me wasnt happy with me, but he couldnt tell me, because I did everything trying to make him happy, because I knew that he wasnt happy with me. I made it worse by pretending that everything could be fine.
Its real easy to blame the one that is doing the cheating, and not have to look at the big picture, and maybe point a finger at ourselves!!! | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/23/2005 5:40:57 AM | | I think you can forgive in your mind, but not your heart. Maybe we can forgive, but not forget, so the pain is always there I guess. If you have been cheated on, you have been somewhat abused. Hmm, everyone deserves a second chance, but dont become a doormat. Find out the reasons why. If you do go back with him, just dont create things you cant accept, because you wont be willing to live them. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/23/2005 8:55:33 AM | "i'm quite sure that at some point those very same issues are partly to blame for the reason the guilty party decided to make the decision they did, but they do not excuse the fact that said guilty party consciously made the decision to engage in such activity"
that was me halfway up the page. although this sounds a lot like the 'don't blame me, blame society' philosophy employed by everyone from convicted arms dealers to men that beat their wives, it doesn't change the fact that cheating is a conscious act. you're overcomplicating things. the urge for sex in the absence of your partner and in the company of a willing replacement can. not. be construed as an underlying problem. why don't people seem to get that? | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/24/2005 4:21:34 AM | As posted before "unless they are a sex addict" I totally agree that its unexcusable!!!!
The point being is that there is a problem with the relationship to begin with or said other wouldnt be wondering off to greener pastures. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/24/2005 4:26:16 AM | | Once a cheater, Always a cheater? Isn't that the saying. Hey, there has to be a reason for cheating! No self control. No excuses. Not really physically and mentally into the relationship. "No Love" What next? | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/24/2005 4:47:51 AM | | I did forgive one, at least, I was trying to. Then she went back to him. I could have accepted that the first time was a mistake, but the second was clearly intentional, and made a total mockery of my forgiveness. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 10:54:14 AM | | I wish all/most cheaters could surrender! Physical, emotional, flight of the imagination ONES come forward to simply state the reasons Why the NEED, the URGE, the DESIRE to cheat is so strong/while being committed? When ones profile clearly states looking for friends, and or interested in the forums, Does anyone feel that Internet dating sites is another form of cheating/emotional/fantasizing? I like to read opinions on this! since I am new to this site, hopefully is not a repeat, if it is, Oh well Sorry! :) | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 11:02:36 AM | no i cant.. i tried .. belive me even if you do!! you will always feel deceited and betrayed.. its better to find someone who wont decieve you..
i mean do you wanna always be wondering?? | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 11:40:36 AM | no i cant.. i tried .. belive me even if you do!! you will always feel deceited and betrayed.. its better to find someone who wont decieve you..
i mean do you wanna always be wondering??
You mean you can not surrender? I am not understanding your response.........
The wonder always remains with us, no matter how much professional therapy one receives, no matter who the partner is, whether they are completely faithful or not, the thoughts of betrayal happening again are far more hurtful then the act at times! (at times). I feel that besides helping one self in the healing of haunting cheating experiences, it will take a very strong minded character to overcome and carry over the security both partners need to complete a successful mutually/loving relationship. Which ever one partner needs the help, the other should have the ability/strenght to aid in the healing. It is a partnership, right? therefore, to me my opinion is that it should be a combined effort in sharing the healing process. Yes, it is a SELF RELATED ISSUE FROM THE PAST, and YES GIVE THE NEXT PERSON THE INTEGRITY/credit/ability THEY DESERVE to produce that once again.... the Integrity must be shown in different ways, not when the mood strikes, When it comes from the Heart, they are real and healing.......In my opinion one should heal/within completely on their own, before engaging in a NEW relationship! But, like I mentioned before since it is a joint venture, it works both ways, Do not do to me What you do not want done to yourself! Self respect will allow one to invest time with the most meaningful and memorable experiences of all times. Love yourself first! :) | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 12:05:48 PM | I have some questions to some of you outhere......
When does it become a partner's business to feel free to question the partner involved just about anything that comes to mind, without invading anyone's privacy. If involved in a loving/relationship when does invasion of privacy become an alarming issue enough to hurt the relationship/trust. Should invasion of Privacy even take place in a loving/relationship. Must one go on living daily with unanswered questions, or maybe getting unsatisfying ones. I am completely liberal, open minded always ready and willing to understand and work with what is presented to me. I have nothing to hide, I am always willing to respond positively or negatively about any questions confronted with. I am not understanding the answer of It is not any of your business, or you are invading my privacy LINE at all. Can anyone opiniate on this? thanks...... | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 3:23:54 PM |
When ones profile clearly states looking for friends, and or interested in the forums, Does anyone feel that Internet dating sites is another form of cheating/emotional/fantasizing? (Msg 168)
I don't. Rather than whine and complain about my partner working long hours due to meetings she attends, which could lead to her having guilt feelings and interfering in her job performance, I seek out friends on here.
I encourage my partner to be the best she can be. I want to be an asset to her and not a millstone around her neck. I'm not totally selfless, though. I must confess, at times, I live my life vicariously as she devours the occasional lawyer and politician on her way to the top of the food chain.  | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 3:44:19 PM | From a past personal experience, I cant' forgive. I found out that my ex-fiancee was cheating on me 6 months before the wedding date.
Now, this is my personal opinion, and I could be wrong, but here's what I think:
If you TRULY do care and TRULY do love your partner, you will always think about how your actions are going to affect him/her.
If your partner doesn't care or doesn't love you anymore, and vice versa, a simple chat, as hard and hurtful as it can be, should suffice, no? Why waist weeks, months or even years cheating behing your partner's back and fearing of getting caught and waisting personal time out of your life?
I cannot forgive a cheater, even if it is the first time. You have control of your own actions. | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 5:01:21 PM | {I don't. Rather than whine and complain about my partner working long hours due to meetings she attends, which could lead to her having guilt feelings and interfering in her job performance, I seek out friends on here.
I encourage my partner to be the best she can be. I want to be an asset to her and not a millstone around her neck. I'm not totally selfless, though. I must confess, at times, I live my life vicariously as she devours the occasional lawyer and politician on her way to the top of the food chain. Msg 172}
I agree with you to a certain extent on the fact that unfortunately having extra time on your hands, you are turned to Internet sites for mental stimulation/boredom, etc. Although, my opinion today feels that the time spent here could very well be used a little more productive in the sense of real true accomplishments in life. Perhaps joining a Health club, not only becoming healthier but, also doing something more meaningful for the body and mind......to somehow be stimulated! I mean lets face it, you may get mental stimulation here but, what about the extra weight gained from sitting your BUTT on the chair for so many hours? so where is the physical stimulus? lol.... I am not saying being here expressing ones thoughts and beliefs is corrupting to your persona nor to your relationship/cheating, on the contrary one can pick up plenty of very influential/good advice here or on any other forum. It is your personal choice to seek out friends on here regardless of whether your partner is at home and or not at home enough. It is also very positive to have an encouraging partner that can be an asset and not a millstone around their neck, I like this one! This is where TRUST comes in..........Just my opinion.... | |
|
| Can you forgive a one time cheater?
Posted: 11/30/2005 5:58:14 PM | ^^^
I suppose if someone spends all day here that is another thing. I was referring to chatting with members with the purpose of meeting them.
By some of the comments from members regarding my wanting to meet someone I'd be afraid to suggest it to the wrong person, face to face.
"I'm in a relationship and I'd like to have coffee with you." It seems some folks would flip out at the suggestion. | |
|
|
|
|
Page
7
of
17 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
|
|
Home
login 
