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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:02:32 PM | Menlo Felo writes in msg826:
You don't have anything "invested" in some woman you are just sending an email to, so if she doesn't write back, honestly, why would you care?
There's always an investment. Thoughtful first and second contact message don't write themselves. Maybe some people can write a message worth responding to without an emotional investment, but I can't. I think the word for those who can is "player". | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:12:57 PM | There's always an investment. Thoughtful first and second contact message don't write themselves. Maybe some people can write a message worth responding to without an emotional investment, but I can't. I think the word for those who can is "player".
You're kidding, right? Someone writing a first contact email, who isn't emotionally invested is a "player"? Geez.
In looking at profiles of strangers, someone may spark an interest, enough so, that I would be interested in having a conversation. It's a long way from an "emotional investment". For me, I assume that it's only possible to "connect" with 1 out of 10, just as I filtered out 90% of the profiles I look at. So, if I write to 40, I'll get answers from most, if I spent a little time writing, but only 4 will really have an initial interest. After we talk, 1/2 of those will fall by the wayside, so that leaves 2 as real life meets, maybe.
So, I'm not going to get emotionally "invested" when writing a first contact email, anymore than I would, in the days of singles clubs, when I approached a woman to start a conversation. I was "attracted", but nothing more, until there was more to go on.
So, when I wrote first contact emails, I never paid attention to who didn't write back. I didn't care. I'd look at the ones who wrote back in a way that invited conversation. They were the only ones who began to be "real" for me at all. In any case, I made 3 dates my first month, and one of those has turned into a serious relationship. I care very much about her, and I appreciate the two women I met. The rest, really just aren't "real" to me. | |
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K_Dub1
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Joined: 4/23/2007
Msg: 828 | |
| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:53:40 AM | Maybe, just maybe, you come off as a real prick online. Ever think of that?
I got that vibe just by reading your whiny-assed post. Quit being a negative Nancy, post a damn pic of yourself (I dont care what youre excuse is for not posting it, but everybody knows it increases your responses tenfold) and quit yer ****in.
And if you are sooo good lookin in real life, well then why the hell are you on this site? | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:03:27 PM | | This is an old one, and I havent read the other replies...but U got that one right. This venue does suck for men. The problem is we outnumber the women by a large margin. I get some replies, perhaps more then average for guys, especially short guys, but much of it goes no where. I mentioned in another post how I had what I thought was a great prospect on this site whom dissapeared after exchanging very long indepth emails for like 3 weeks. Fortunately I have another girl who gave me her phone # and its moving along, I met her on match.com...whats bazaar is of all the women I attempted to contact of that batch, she was the lastone I would of expected to reply, if not the best looking, damn near...and she sounds like a really sweet girl on the phone. | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/2/2007 1:06:10 PM |
So, when I wrote first contact emails, I never paid attention to who didn't write back. I didn't care. I'd look at the ones who wrote back in a way that invited conversation. They were the only ones who began to be "real" for me at all
Funny, Melo, I know the women complain about the 'cut and paste' emails, but I've gotten a few "unsolicited" emails from women that seemed to just be cut and paste to any guy in the state...
... especially makes me laugh when I got (twice now) "I read your profile and I think we have a lot in common"... (look at my profile, you'll know why I laugh)..
But, y'know, if their profile was in my area, my age range, and seemed 'interesting' to me, I'd take a few minutes and write up a reply, as you say 'in a way that invited conversation', and include my pic... and yeah, they don't reply. Oh well, c'est la vie, thats not an 'emotional investment' for me.
I don't get how you can be emotionally invested in sending an email to someone, and be upset just because they don't reply. C'est la vie, you move on. *If* they reply and you actually start a back and forth conversation, then you're starting to have some emotional investment. | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:57:42 AM |
Funny, Melo, I know the women complain about the 'cut and paste' emails, but I've gotten a few "unsolicited" emails from women that seemed to just be cut and paste to any guy in the state...
I've gotten a couple of those, and didn't reply. I suspect that, if you do reply to one of those, obviously "generic" emails that tells you how she's been looking for "a man just like you", that it would lead to someone shilling for an adult oriented website of some sort. | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:22:42 PM |
Funny, Melo, I know the women complain about the 'cut and paste' emails, but I've gotten a few "unsolicited" emails from women that seemed to just be cut and paste to any guy in the state...
I've gotten a couple of those, and didn't reply. I suspect that, if you do reply to one of those, obviously "generic" emails that tells you how she's been looking for "a man just like you", that it would lead to someone shilling for an adult oriented website of some sort.
Funny thing: I just the other day got notification at my hawtmail account that I had a message waiting for me on hi5. So, I went over there, read it, followed the link (with growing suspicion), and sure enough, it connected me to another dating site. I mean, jeepers, that's just downright INSULTING! 
Anyway, WRT cut-n-paste emails: what makes ANYONE, male, female or other, think that they're somehow ENTITLED to a well-thought-out novella, that there's a better than excellent chance will be "read-deleted-no-reply"? If I can get shot down with a cut-n-paste, what POSSIBLE motivation do I have to write a 10-20 minutes-worth screed?
!Les  | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:30:55 PM |
what makes ANYONE, male, female or other, think that they're somehow ENTITLED to a well-thought-out novella, that there's a better than excellent chance will be "read-deleted-no-reply"? If I can get shot down with a cut-n-paste, what POSSIBLE motivation do I have to write a 10-20 minutes-worth screed?
Les, I could be misinterpreting your point. For me, when I was in "seeking" mode, I felt it was better to write a few thought out emails, than it would be to send out a whole bunch of "cut n paste" generic emails. About 90% of the time, my emails were acknowledged. Much of the time, the women weren't interested, but they did respond. A few turned into more involved conversations, and 3 turned into real life dates. One turned into a serious relationship that is ongoing. I know that she got, and still does, despite her profile saying she's "involved", a lot of random, "hi, wanna chat" emails. She remarked that she initially responded to my email, because it actually said something, and gave her something to respond to.
The point being, you never know which one will be the "right one", so you have to approach sending first contact emails individually, written to individual women, while recognizing that the vast majority of the time, it will seem to be to no purpose. "It only takes one right one", to make the time spent on the "wrong ones" far more than 'worth it", and there's no way to tell, in advance, which "one" might be the "right one". | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:46:19 PM |
Les, I could be misinterpreting your point.
*chuckle* sorry, they don't seem to have a "tongue-in-cheek" icon here...
For me, when I was in "seeking" mode, I felt it was better to write a few thought out emails, than it would be to send out a whole bunch of "cut n paste" generic emails. About 90% of the time, my emails were acknowledged. Much of the time, the women weren't interested, but they did respond.
Your experience differs from mine. Mine is:
Well-thought out, polite first contact = no response.
Cut-n-paste = no response.
The point being, you never know which one will be the "right one", so you have to approach sending first contact emails individually, written to individual women...
No, that's very true, one never does know when the "right one" will come along. It's important to keep that in mind. Having said that, however:
If a given person is going to ACT like 99.9% of the rest of the demographic, by what criterion do they reasonably expect NOT to be TREATED like the rest of the demographic? If "read-delete-no-reply" is your bag, then how can you reasonably whine about superficial treatment? People TALK about karma; this is it in action.
Anyway, it's not something worth stressing over. I torture my innards enough with Coca-Cola and saturated fats; I'm not about to add stress to the formula!
!Les | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:03:19 PM | | oh so true I take dating seriously and it seems a lot of the time you find someone interesting,go out for a first date than they start playing games like they only will IM and avoid the telephone.than make promises only to break them,I hate when people cannot do what they say. | |
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| Internet dating is sweet
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:08:36 PM |
Your experience differs from mine. Mine is:
Well-thought out, polite first contact = no response.
Cut-n-paste = no response.
As I think back, reflecting on my experience with "online dating", the truth is that the "first contact" email thing has led to comparatively few real connections. My first date from here was with a woman who contacted me first. The other two came after I started posting in the fora.
Going back to the "old days", of aol and yahoo, I made only one date from "first contact email" out of hundreds sent. However, I had one brief relationship from yahoo chat rooms, and 11 from aol chatrooms, and two from POF fora. For whatever the reasons, posting in the same threads, and writing about the topic, without being focused on "finding a date", gives the sense of coming to know someone, before you start talking.
Even after I was "involved" and no longer looking, there has been an occasional conversation off line with someone, both male and female, about things going on in a thread. If I were looking, some of those conversations might have led to more, as they did with the woman I'm serious with now. As I think about it, I haven't initiated that many emails from the fora, because I have been "involved", but the few that I have, have always been answered for what they were, a "conversation", not a "hitting on" thing.
Anyway, anyone reading this is already visiting the fora, so I don't know if my experience is similar to others. I do know that whether AOL, Yahoo, or POF, the way that I've managed to have good experiences with "making connections" has been through discussions, rather than the "Hey, babe, you're cute, wanna chat?" kinds of emails that I know some guys keep sending out. | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:09:56 PM | This is in response to the first post, which is pretty old. I can't believe they don't purge these after a while.
Anyway, I am on three different dating sites right now (when they expire, that will be that), and I've gotten about two men contacting me between the three of them. Then we just sent a few e-mail back and forth before they start asking my advice on how to "get chicks", as if I'm the Love Doctor! So no, not all of us women out there have e-mail boxes bursting with messages we have to weed through. Every guy I've initiated contact with has completely ignored me. Also, I have never met anyone in person. So I look at the internet as just another place to be rejected by men. Good thing I have a huge social life and a lot of good friends! So I look at this as kind of a joke, not to be taken very seriously. | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:21:49 PM | Maybe you were chosing the women you emailed based on the same superficial things you don't want to be judged on. But, I think most people would agree, it is polite to write back just a thank you for writing if someone takes the time to email. Maybe you need to read the profile and not just look at their pictures and you might get an idea of the ladys character.
Its difficult in real life as well as online for women as far as being judged by our looks. Women, in general, aren't as unforgiving as men...they can live with a bit of a belly, slightly balding hair, whatever.....In the end, it doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman, the first thing you notice is looks...but if you don't just stop there if they aren't gorgeous...and look for the person...then I think that helps even out the playing fields.
Besides....all the beautiful ones will be single again for us all to try at in six months....lol...ok...that wasn't so nice...but just a little humorous, at least?
Good luck....be honest and confident and a gentleman, and you'll get quality women. It takes patience....try being an old lady and doing this....YIKES!!!
See....things could be worse! Hope I at least made you smile. Don't take this stuff too seriously. | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:36:02 PM | The " no replies" from 15 e-mails should be telling YOU something ! , I am not "formally educated " & the good looking "white guy " thing & humble ? ...I think you should try just being a " good person " !!! . The Ladies out there for the most part are great & most just ask us guys to be "REAL " . | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/5/2007 6:42:32 AM | | No, it's worse, because we're the silly s--ds that start out trying to reply to all the messages, and get all the aggravation because we don't find every single man attractive from his picture or by what he says in his profile. We're the ones who squirm every time we have to send out a polite refusal, because we don't like hurting peoples feelings, but we don't like being accused of being ignorant for not replying either. Whilst I can understand your situation, and how it must be frustrating, internet dating can get very frustrating for women too, for it's own different reasons. | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:06:02 AM | i just wanted to post a reply so people can see my image and squirm.....probably get more attention by posting something here and when i get disappointed in this net dating stuff i just....leave the net for a while....after that , im quite refreshed and continue living the real world knowing its me, and his volition living in this body....i do say silly things and probably don'r remember what i wrote on my profile...hihihi...am searching for interesting conversation....hihihi
still gabbin away | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:23:55 AM | sorry this has sucked for you.but really put yourself in a store window and alot of people look.but alot walk on by.then there is that one that cann't wait to take you home.so try to relax,not all woman are like that.only little girls.what wants to happen,will! lots of love my friend.
addakiss | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for women as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:37:14 AM | Not to complain but........................we women get just as much crappola thrown at us as you guys. Abuse??? YOU BET!!!! Men who are frustrated with the whole internet dating scene are a prime example. No body said it would be easy to " connect " with that special someone, yet we women get continually bombarded by moronic men who seem to have it in for all womankind!! Just because they hate their ex's, or broke up with their long term relationship does NOT give them the right to take it out on the rest of us!The immaturity from some of these so-called 'men' is unbelieveable.
Not to change the subject, but how about finally meeting a guy (just because he's " dying to meet you"),and then having him tell you that he's already met someone, and has been seeing her all along??!!!! How's THAT one grab ya? (this coming from a 60yr. old). Unbelieveable and definitely UNACCEPTABLE!
Soooooooo, if you haven't resolved your negative feelings, and are still carrying that torch, please, PLEASE, do us all the courtesy of staying off the online dating sites-----------------See a therapist instead!     | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 11/24/2007 6:26:05 PM | Ebory - just goes to show you all the ladies out there with poor manners. I feel it only acceptable human social behavior to respond to someone who has written me a note, or taken the time to say hello. Consider yourself lucky not to have received a response, at least you know right up front what kind of person you're contacting, right? Unless you would like that type of person. I tend to agree a bit with you, in some instances it seems people feel the internet is an excuse to disregard consideration and respect for others. Besides a few oddballs, my experiences haven't been too bad. But haven't come close to meeting anyone and I consider myself to be a somewhat attractive lady - go figure.
Although I'm certainly not one of the ladies you write about who get 100's of emails that allow me to be picky choosy, lol, I must say you've shed a new perspective on how it is to be a guy on the internet. Really that bad?? | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:03:17 PM | OP, that's why I stopped bothering to try.
I've messaged my share of women on the site whom I though were interesting and/or good looking, and practically all emails were either read and never replied to, or unread and deleted.
So I gave up on the issue.
That said, I certainly don't blame women for not replying. For fun and experience I created a fake female account on this site with a couple of really attractive pictures. Within a the hour I had recieved dozens of messages and dozens of attempted instant messages (I had to disable them just to function on the site!).
So it's not just a matter of women having a lot to chose from, it's a matter of women actually being capable of replying to all their messages and IM's they get.
I don't blame them one bit. Us guys swarm like piranha! So I don't bother anymore, and that's why I pretty much killed my account and stopped trying. I just stick to the forums for fun now, because finding anyone you're interested in on this site who's interested in you is like winning the lottery. Don't count on it. .  | |
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| Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 11/24/2007 7:16:51 PM |
finding anyone you're interested in on this site who's interested in you is like winning the lottery. Don't count on it. .
While I agree that sticking to the fora makes more sense, than endless, random "searching", I strongly disagree that it's all that difficult to find someone you're interested in, who will be interested in you. I say that, because 3 separate times, over a span of 7 years, I've found myself "single and looking", and each time, within a few weeks, I've been able to connect with one woman at a time, until I matched up with someone, that it worked in real life, and a relationship began.
I think a lot of guys, who get discouraged, simply haven't adjusted to what "works" and what doesn't. Random "searches" for your "ideal", and "form letter" intro emails, isn't going to "do it". How many women, who are on 300 favorites lists, are going to respond to "Hi. I liked your pic. Wanna chat?"? On the other hand, how many women, who you've seen post, and who have seen you post, are going to ignore an email that says something about a post she made in a thread that you share? Especially, if you are reasonably "matched" in terms of age, location, points of view, etc.. | |
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