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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 6/23/2006 10:35:31 AM | people dont know what they have once theyve lost it --->>> this is for the girl
and for u mr cusack.........life goes on.....move on.....u have done ure best...use ure mind over your heart!!! then it will all make sense...... | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 6/30/2006 5:47:36 AM | hey cusack... i'm in an identical situation.. but in a further cycle down the road now... PLEASE listen to what I have to say... you could probably learn from my mistakes... don't let this drag on for 9 years like it has for me....
Background history: I met her in 1997 in my first year of college... we were very good friends (she and I would date other people) for the first 4 years, although I was always very sexually attracted to her and always had wanted her most but she would say it would be weird because we are just friends. Then after college, we moved to cities 3 hours apart.. and I guess that distance had sparked something. So one weekend I come in town... and we have sex for the first time ever in 2002... then we have sex off and on whenever I'm in town for that year. Some kind of friends... huh?
Then I move up to DC (she is in Austin, TX) and the distance makes me want her even more, but she says she just wants to be friends... and I'm going crazy in my head.. because I'd almost move to her city to be with her. So one day I tell myself... this isn't healthy and I have to cut this off...
So for one year in 2004, I had no contact with her... the first 6 months were the most dreadful months of my life... and I wish nobody would have to go through what I went through... I had no appetite, no sex drive, felt like a walking zombie, and my job performance plummeted-- completely lifeless.. and sad thing is that people could tell.. it was physically apparent... and only if they knew how I felt on the inside) THEN those last 6 months of no contact were the healthiest and happiest times I had felt since I had met her... I was dating girls, she was almost completely out of my head... the only problem was we had so many mutual friends... that it was inevitable I would hear stories about her.
I would NEVER answer the phone when she called, and she would cry on her voicemails saying she wanted to talk to me, etc... i stayed strong and didn't call her back... BUT then one day she tricked me by calling me from her friends number with a different area code and I didn't recognize the number and so I answered. That day will live in infamy as the worst day of my life. I was so close to breaking free from her... but it all went WAY downhill from there.
She said she wanted to visit me.. and she claimed she really understands now how much I mean to her, etc, etc... and wanted to prove it to fly up to DC and see me. I said no for a few months.. and she was persistent... then I finally caved in and said sure come on up... thinking maybe she really does want to take this to the next level.
So she visits.. and I end up having sex with her... bad decision.. all my emotions now start all over as if it was 1997 again. Then by the end of the trip.. she still claims she just wants to be friends. I tell her I can't do this.. and tell her I can't talk to her ever again... BUT THEN.... I start getting those initial feelings that I got from that 6 month period where I was the most miserable walking thing alive. I knew I couldn't handle another 6 month episode like that.. as it almost practically ruined my career-- not to mention my own physical and mental well-being. It was just like Pavlov's experiments.... the conditioning... you learn what hurts and you DON'T do it again. So I called her and told her lets just stay friends... the reassurance that we were friends was enough to keep me at bay for the time-being. THAT was early 2005. Lets just say 2005 dragged on with frustration of the situation...
In early 2006... I made several trips to see her... each of these times... even as "friends" we had sex often... and every time I came back to DC I would miss her SO much. All the while she would date other guys in texas. I'm actually now moving to a neigboring city of hers in Texas, and I know she will date other guys, (during this point she won't talk to me much), then she'll stop seeing these guys and have sex with me, then tell me we are just friends... and then go date another guy... its proven this is how it works as I am victim to it at least 10 times.
I have been planning for the last month on my next TRUE cut-off of her... but its hard to find that right time to do it... and get enough balls to know that this will be the hardest 6 months of your life... just having the experience of how bad it will hurt is enough to thwart me from trying to cut it off again.
CUSACK... what ever you do... if you do cut it off... it MUST be the only time you cut if off. DO NOT CAVE IN. If she somehow gets a hold of you... act like you don't know her and walk away. I won't lie ... that cut-off time is the worst experience of your life... but you WILL heal... you WILL start forgetting about her... you WILL start to enjoy a healthy life... and you WILL be able to move on.
If you do cave in... it is only harder to cut if off that second time... believe... I backed out of my second cave in... and I've been planning for the last month on my third cut-off...
By the way.. Myspace is evil... we are on our each others "top 8" friend list.. and it only makes it worse when you can see who she is dating by when you get bumped down by some guy she is dating.
GOOD LUCK! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 6/30/2006 6:57:00 AM | OKAY BRO LISTEN!! i know exactly what ur going throught i went throught the same thing for about 8 months with this girl... and what im gonna tell you will be the most useful part of information you will ever hear!! FIRST OFF girls always want something they cant have if you make it available any time she will know she has you she is disrespecting you and keeping you as a freind becuase she sees you will always be there!! BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST YOU have to respect yourself bro... until you raise up a standard and say you know what i am a good guy and you know what i do know what im about and bring to the table.!! NOW this is not any effort to try and get her back, becasue man like i said this shit happend to me and now i am in love with the most wonderful girl, who loves me!! i had to come to these realizations also man!! That you have alot to offer, and why would you want to care and love about a girl who dosnt you??? if you try to force something thats not there it will never happen... think of it this way about a racoon?? what happens if you corner one?? they come out fighting!! if you give it space they come out nice and easily, you just have to be "FRIENDS" trust me i was just "FREINDS" and ended up finally hitting it one night after dinner, a movie, and a back massage lol and let me tell you it ruined EVERYTHING!!!! because it seemed like we couldnt be real with each other!! let me tell you man she was the most wonderful girl in the world in my eyes, then i met my new girlfriend and ill tell you what yea it hurts but when u find someone who cares about you as much as you do her! its the greatest feeling in the world!! and if ya need to talk man get in tocuh with me anything ur dealing with im sure ive gone thru at least twice lol so keep ur head up bro and keep ur distance from her watch her come running back becasue woman always want something they cant have !!! AND!!!! one other thing are u sure its the girl and not her technique?? you may laugh, but the thing is have u ever talked to another girl who wants just "freindship"?? becasue if not try that without sex or any other bull and watch how the reaction is and how things play out it may not even be the girl!!! just how she is playing the sitaution!!! so be careful man
Nate | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 6/30/2006 8:25:01 AM | | cusack, I'm new here and just been lurking on the forums but had to get my 2 cents on this one. Sounds like my youth. Overall you've been getting excellent feedback from almost all who have responded here. I'm impressed. It seems to me that the biggest problem here is that she's not standing on the same peak to view life that you are. It would appear that while you look to the future, she only sees the now. There's a lot to be said for both if it weren't for that word "only" stuck in there. When a person (male or female) is truly hedonistic, as she seems to be, nothing short of hitting rock bottom will ever change that. People like that are not worth the effort to someone looking for a future. You've made mention several times to something to the effect of her "getting what's coming to her". That keeps coming up and it worries me some. Just know that she (and all like her) carries her own reward around inside her. She cannot escape it and she cannot hide from it. It's like a time bomb waiting to explode as it one day will. It won't be pretty when it does and you really don't want to be there. The best advice I can give is to pity her that, wish her well (sincerely), then move on and NEVER look back. Life is good when you can enjoy the trip, but greeeaatt when you can enjoy it with a purpose. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/2/2006 9:44:35 PM | | THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN LOVE. There is plenty of good advice here, just reading all of this is a must for any guy, and it should be done regulary, if not published somewhere, maybe even tought in schools!!! Good luck to you in moving on, it will happen just DISTANCE yourself from her in everyway. Bridges must burn sometimes, but only when they need to, and here they do. | |
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daws
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Joined: 11/11/2005
Msg: 232 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/2/2006 10:18:12 PM | | I did the same thing met someone wo I thought was wonderful and bascially let her push me around. Kind of out of character for myself. When I realized what had happened it was too late. Had to leave it behind and move on. But I certainly am better off for finding love for once in my life. It'll come again just have to find someone who appreciates you for who your are and won't take advantage of you. They are the one who is missing out and taking the risk of never being loved again. Plenty of fish right. Just not many good ones, especially on this site lol. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/2/2006 10:29:02 PM | well most likely if she said we should jus be friends could mean 3 things she jus want sex here and there, had sex and kind of regreted it because u sucked or because she jus dont lik u like that not feelin u n other words. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/3/2006 1:46:38 PM | You are only an idiot if you stay. Been there and it is hurtful but worse is if you stay. the worst is if she comes to you because you would not know if she is using you again since she can not have the married man.
BTW, I think a person that goes after and dates a married (not-separated) person is not a trustable and forward person to begin with. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/4/2006 12:29:31 AM | | im going through the same thing right now, and have been for 5 years now. it really hurts to think how much time ive waisted, i could have met the right girl by now and moved on, but i think what im the most afraid of is that if i let go ive lost. what j.a. prufrock said really hit home. i hope it seenks in for me and anyone going through this crap!!!!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/4/2006 12:41:51 PM | | I just went thru that mess with someone on here...she kept telling me she cared about me and that she loved me...then all of a sudden she sends me an e-mail saying she is unsure and just wants to be friends....bull****!.....Some people got some game to them...just keep it away from me | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/4/2006 4:43:11 PM | i really enjoy reading what ppl think on here but lets be honest just a tad its all bull shit.
well most of it anyways
if you like someone that great if they only want to be friends yea that sucks get over it. the fact is if you make ur self too available male or female you will get stomped on.
you will be that friend that the person u like calls on when they are bored or something or just broke up with someone else......why because ur a freakin tool and that person knows u will always pick up the damn phone lol
i see my gf liking her best male friend she is looks like a total door mat since he likes someone else and she does anythign he says yet she is still second fiddle to some other chick
stop being to damn easy
women dont want a challenge yet we dont want a freakin push over at least i dont
it hurts not to be wanted but thats the game. you get a game over and then start all over cause you couldnt save yourself. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/4/2006 4:55:34 PM | the thing is its hard to go through somethign like and let go but you know better but still let ur self get hurt and you will let someone hurt you a few times until u actually get the damn THIS PERSON DOESNT WANT YOU.
BUT DO U EVER THINK THAT PERSON DOESNT DESERVE YOU?
i have liked a guy who was head over heel for this hoe i mwan she was a drama ghetto colt 45 drinking hoe anyways waht he saw in here ? i have no idea but he wanted her
he was this great guy and yea oh guess what i am just his great friend watchin him get hurt over and over until i decided that maybe that what he likes about her
and i decided i deserve better i am better so you move on | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/4/2006 11:30:02 PM | | Well yes sometimes it hurts when you care about someone and they decide oh they would rather be friends after perhaps showing some interest by kissing you or whatever,we have all been there,it hurts and sometimes they dont realize what has occurred or say oh just want to be friends"".But then i think sometimes down the road things may happen to them and then they think back how it hurts.life is not easy.hang in there. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/5/2006 7:28:22 PM | | I`m not against anyone wanting to be JUST A FRIEND.. BUT... seems it seems to me ... GAMES are NOT the way to go either ... Any woman who stays anything with a guy who hangs up on a woman and plays the headgames you have advised spidey ... Well put it this way .. ITS WRONG. The right woman will appreciate a guy who is real and KNOWS not to play games like you just advised. BAD BAD ADVICE!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/7/2006 1:06:25 AM | | See women like that really annoy me... Yeah ok I know I am a lady but when women are jerks like that to good men. It makes it harder on the rest of us to find a good one after the after affects of what they did to him. I mean I have meet some jerk off men. But I think in cases like this no wonder... Fancy | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/10/2006 8:03:33 PM | If you want my opinion, a strong woman opinion: she sounds psycho to me. Stop wasting your time with her and move on. Did you happen to catch the title of the website...plentyoffish.com? It really sounds like you expressed your love for her/to her and did your best! I say move on, it sounds like you deserve better. If she still cannot see that you care about her and she's sleeping with this loser, believe me, there are plenty of other women (fish in the sea) who would love to have a cup of coffee with a considerate guy (you) any day. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/11/2006 4:27:33 AM | | I have to agree with Mr. Classic here. My ex-gf (40 years old) dumped me (30 years old), a computer technician/webmaster, for a 43 year old guy who has a 21 year unemployed daughter, works part-time delivering pizzas and fixes cars. It's true about some of the women in Huntingdon County. I am sorry to say, it's a Jerry Springer Show come to life around these parts. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/11/2006 2:13:01 PM | Well here it is.
Ive dumped my friend after three years....I WOULD have married her at one point. But I realize she's holding me back, Overplaying the friend card, is a subtile way of showing disrespect.
I told her to her face I was tired of her playing the friends game. She knew full well, Id do anything for her, but not now. She still tries to call, but I dont answer. I dont want sucked back in.
I get more than a little tired of people saying they cant find someone. I know Im a good guy, and By God.,someone will apperciate me. a good person is not looked at twice, and then the woman always goes for the no job jerk. when that dont work, they moan and groan about it. Getting tired of the whole double standard myself.
Tom | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/16/2006 6:07:24 PM | I hope to help "my fellow Americans" out there who may be suffering from this problem.This is for guys only any girls reading this turn your little eyes away.#1.Great forum,necessary forum.Guys get into this All The Time.#2.Girls could care less about your achy-breaky heart.They get off on telling you to "grow up".Look at the posts they did on this blog,for chris-sake.(Told you to turn that head).#3.This kind of thing will really take a guy out.It will affect your job.It will make/give you an excuse to drink.It will make it harder for you to meet other women/leave a bad taste in your mouth for many,many years(10?)to come.It's going to at least affect your interactions and attitude towards women for 3yrs.CONCLUSION! A).The battle of the sexes is Real.Losses are Catostrophic.My solution:Dig in.Establish sexual dominance right off by going out and meeting a Lot of Women.Go for that old hag or fat pig "just as a friend".You can use her as a bargaining chip or fall back point later.Dont worry about breaking her heart she does'nt really have one,she was just out to use you , too.(check their stats,son,100 million married guys,100 million lost paychecks,ZERO HOT SEX).Fatties/Hags don't count,right.AFTER THAT B)Take the battle to Them.Always let any girl that your'e going out with that this ain't a free ride.If you want a sexual relationship with a girl let her know No Sex-No relationship.Be the Man.Be Honest.Don't fall for that "friends" first ploy(it came from the Devil) C)."The Devil walks about as a roaring Lion,seeking whom he may Devour". Always have some back-up.Find a chubby who gives great B.J.'s and Then and only Then,go after your cheerleader(s).Love ain't for the faint of heart. | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 247 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/17/2006 3:17:53 PM | Well guys I am without a doubt the biggest sucker on the planet. I kept sitting back on this post reading all of everyone's advise but did I actually have the strength to walk away from this girl......NOOOO. Like an idiot I had still been seeing her and driving out of my way and calling her every single day because she acted so interested in me and wanted me to call her and come see her and she had told me that "she knows her and that other guy would never be together". So I still kept my hopes up hoping that our friendship would turn into more. Well 2 weeks ago she asked me to borrow $200 so she could has money to go see her mom in PA. What did I do....I gave it to her. Fast forward to last night. I knew she was coming back from a 17 hour drive so I was worried about her and I kept calling and calling and calling and it would go straight to voice mail.
Well this morning I took a short detour because I knew she had to be back at work today and went and saw her. I ask why didn't she answer the phone and she said "oh moved in with me last night so I had to turn my phone off". I was crushed!
We had a big fight and things were said and all she keeps telling me was "I thought we made good friends and never lead you on". Someone please explain to me how that is not leading someone on when you want a guy to call you all the time and come over?????? And also cuddle on the couch and crap like that? Not to mention the BJ she gave me a few months ago.
I've had it and swear on my life it is over. I told her to pay me the $200 back and she said that she would although I'm not holding my breath on that but this nightmare has once and for all ended. I know most of you are reading this thinking, yeah right, he will start talking to her but I'm not. I'm so mad at upset at myself for letting this go on as long as it did. Hard to believe this crap but this went on for a total of 1 year and 9 months.
I wish I had listened to everyone who told me to walk away months ago when I first started this post. I've never been so heartbroken in my life and NOTHING that anyone can say to me is going to make it any better. Yeah Yeah there may be other fish in the sea and all that crap but how can I open up my heart again to anyone else in fear of just getting hurt or used all over again??? I got played so bad and I now realize it. The last thing she said to me was "I still want to be your friend". All I did was hang up. Why is it women want the losers out there? Here I was a guy who poured my heart out to this woman and got absolutely zilch in return for it, except it handed back to me on a silver platter. My problem is I'm too nice of a guy and soft hearted I suppose. From now on I'm going to start being like the other losers in this world....nail em and then street em. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/17/2006 4:25:51 PM | Cusak, I'm curious as to why you ignored the advice of others?
Women DO want a challenge, but if two people are *right* for each other, one won't have to do all the giving. She gave you all the classic warning signs she wasn't into you that way. The best thing to do in that situation is to pull back completely.
If you don't want to settle for being friends, then don't be friends at all. Love and respect yourself and create boundaries.
In this case the boundary should have been "I'm not in a position to be your friend. I want more and if you aren't willing to give more then it has to end here...."
If you ever again find yourself "giving so much" and receiving so "little" in return you should take that as an opportunity to try and define if that's the kind of relationship you should be in.
Bottom line is if you love and respect yourself, you won't allow these kinds of things to happen. You would drop them in a heartbeat and invest your time with people who want to invest their time (and heart) in you.... | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 249 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/17/2006 6:03:32 PM | I ignored the advice of everyone else I suppose just because I guess I had to find out on my own the hard way. I guess it's no different than when a woman is in an abusive relationship and everyone tells her to get away from that person but they ignore the advice of others because no matter what they still love the person who is abusing them. I was in love with her and the last few months when we were seeing each other, she had me under the impression that it was totally over with that other guy and she wanted me to call her every single waking moment and spend time with her. It's like she couldn't get enough of me or something but yet I now realize that all I was her puppet on a string that she could manipulate any which way she wanted to. It's hard to know exactly what I'm talking about unless you have actually been through it yourself. What else was I suppose to think??? Women who just want to be friends don't want to talk to that guy every single day and I kept thinking to myself that she would start wanting more than the friendship especially based on the fact that I was led to believe that the other guy was totally out of the picture now.
Someone way back on the earlier posts mentioned her being a woman player. I think they may just be right because I got played. There are many of other posts on here from guys that have gone through this exact mess as I have. Women like to play mind games! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 7/18/2006 6:41:03 AM | You Said:
Go out with that friends-only girl, as friends. And while you are out, hit on women! You and her are just friends, so there is nothing wrong with that.
If you think that's a plan, then you must be living in oz. any self respecting woman will not approach you when you're sitting there with another woman. There is not a sign that reads....."these two people are only friends" The you have to go out of your way to explain it, screw that.
lived it too many times. if you want to assure yourself of going home by yourself, just take the gal-pal along.
I just told a girl I met on POF (plenty of freaks)???day before yesterday "happy hunting" because she played the "friend card" I have friends, and they mean the world to me. but no, this is a dating site, not a friend site.
Tombstone Tom(Andy) | |
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