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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/7/2006 8:33:56 PM | Hi BoxcarB, just thought i'd offer a perspective from someone that's been (and still is) where she is. Friendship is crucial, as without it, there is nothing to build trust on. The hurt she has felt in the past is probably just as big an issue now as it was then. It only takes a keyword to bring everything back.
Things can change in time, I find these forums and chatrooms excellent for escaping, lol.
I admire you for sticking by her and hope that she overcomes her problems, because the fact is that most men do run in the opposite direction. Well done for sticking to your principles!!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/7/2006 11:02:07 PM | Hi littleleprechaun!
Thank you! I was again with her tonight and reiterated that point. About how I couldn't run and do want to keep her in my life. And one thing that I haven't understood until recently IS that keyword you're talking about. The cliche of "if you love something, let it go" isn't working in this case. "If you love something, work to keep it in your life." | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/8/2006 5:04:21 AM | Hey there BoxcarB,
sounds like you're doing a really good job there, just keep showering her with compliments like that and things should come good in the end!!!
She just needs time, lol. If there's one thing we all need in this life, it is to feel loved, as without it, what is life???
Once again, well done for standing by what you firmly believe in!!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/9/2006 5:58:13 PM | nothing worse than whats happening to you,was in a similiar position,i was dating on off for almost 5 years with same girl and she abused the situation by turning on/off the attention and the relationship like a tap.
When a person doesnt know that they want it takes a sudden sharp does of reality to bring them to their senses. If you do go out together,go out as friends and go to a bar full of honeys,she'll see you being noticed and being ogled by other women and she'll get jealous.
She'll make a move on you but be smart and hold back.
Its such a trueism when its said "you dont know what you have until you've lost it"
And dont beat yourself up,the tables get turned on a person very easily.
You start out being strong and powerful early on in a friendship/relationship and before you know it, a person takes advantae of your good nature. A girlfriend who comes to you when shes down will eventually start associating you with her bad times and then you'll become less fun to be around.
All the best | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/9/2006 6:42:34 PM | you can't be friends with her, if u do u will always play the what if game. What if she breaks up with that guy, what if one day she wakes up and realises how great i am, what if what if what if...
you wont beable to "move on" till u let her go. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/10/2006 7:39:54 AM | | If everyone took the attitude that it is impossible to be friends in such a situation, then every peson who has ever lost trust in a similar situation would end up as a hermit. It takes time to break down barrirers and rebuilt trust, it takes time to find the real person again, the only way to do that IS through friendship, if BoxcarB is willing to take the time to be her friend, then one day, she will wake up and realise that he is the one who has stood by her through difficult times. Anyone who is willing to do that, (which very few men are, and through the hard ties, you even find yourself cutting yourself off from female friends) is a true friend!!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/10/2006 8:02:55 AM | | Dude you allowed yourself to get played. This is why you should not invest so much in girls because they are unpredictable. You were all over her and she ended up banging some other guy who seems to not even care for her. Only invest in women when you know they want u. Otherwise get ready for ur heart to be broken. Also you should have told her sooner how u felt about her, it could have saved u some gas money. Dont play the waiting game with women. if ur interested say so, if she she rejects u move on and learn from it, if she she likes u great. But dont allow urself to fall into the friend zone. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/11/2006 2:08:25 AM | []But dont allow urself to fall into the friend zone.[/]
No wonder you're still single Blackstud. Sometimes a woman needs that friendzone, it's a healthy place to be, lol. Are you telling me that you do not have female friends??? | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/11/2006 3:33:51 AM | | I agree with earlier comments about being a wuss. Women, especially pretty ones, are used to men sucking up to them and doing and buying things for them. This kills attraction in the woman even though they may not realize it, and you get relegated to the "let's be friends" zone. The only way to change that is to change your wussiness and you may then find that woman is attracted to you and not the other guys. I found two excellent resources that have helped me tremendously. I used to be a big time wuss, because of 12 years of marriage and once I got divorced, I had to learn the hard way that maybe I was doing things that were turning off the natural attraction things in women. My two resources were (I think this is the web site, if not do a google search) doubleyourdating.com by David DeAngelo and the datingwizard.com by Michael W. Their basic point both of them make is that attraction is everything, not what you say or do for women, not what you buy them. It's whether they're attracted to you or not. They both make excellent points about how to attract women and how women have always been attracted to the bad boys. I'm not saying you have to be a player, you obviously have several very good traits that women would love if you just had the chance. But if they feel no attraction, you have no chance. I tell you from a reformed wuss point of view, it works. Now I have no problem finding and communicating with women and have even found that they call me as much as I call them. Good luck to everyone in this forum. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/11/2006 2:18:37 PM | Wow,
You have got girls down to a T. I have to agree with him here. I had a friend who would have done ANYTHING to get me to date him. He even asked me to marry me a couple of times, but in the end it just pissed me off. You have to be interesting, exciting, not some boring old guy that she can have every time she wants. Girls dont want a guy in the palm of their hand. Having them there is just too boring, there's nothing interesting about it. There's no conflict and therefore, no hot makeup sex. Grab a backbone and stand up to her, trust me, I'm a girl, I would know. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/12/2006 3:50:58 AM | | Spidey, I agree 100% with you. I think you read the same resources I did about how to attract a woman. It's not about looks, it's not about what you buy her, it's not about what knid of car you drive, it's not about what you do for her, it's about whether or not she's attracted to you or not. And women feel attraction to a guy who is the "man", not a wuss. I had to learn the hard way and change my wussiness after my divorce, and now women chase me as much as I chase them. I am not a player, I'm just a normal guy having a good time. doubleyourdating.com by David DeAngelo and thedatingwizard.com by Michael W. literally changed my life, I recommend it to any of us love starved guys in this forum in similar circumstances. It can work for you too, you'll be satisfied. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/12/2006 12:31:18 PM | Ah, this is such a sticky wicket. Add me to the list of men who have something similar happen to them. I'll spare you the icky details, but it certainly sucked for the several months between "I love you but I'm not in love with you, so can we just be friends?" and when I finally pulled my head out of my a$$. At some point near the end of the tale, I finally figured out to significantly reduce the number of phone calls and emails, and mentioned at some point that I had gone out to play pool with a woman we both knew. All of a sudden I was hearing from her a lot more and she was wanting to do stuff again, etc. It culminated in her calling me and asking me to come over one Friday night to talk to her, at which time she went on this speel about how much it sucked that it was spring and she saw all these couples out in the world having a great time and she just felt so alone, yada yada. Now, I had been starting to lean on my anger for a while...I didn't deserve to be treated the way she had been acting towards me and finally realized it; that was when I was able to start putting distance between us. (I'm a longtime Star Wars geek, so leaning on my anger doesn't come naturally to me, but it turns out that you really can't imagine the power of the dark side. hehe) So when she started spouting this crap about feeling lonely and left out, that was just it, it was over, I was done. I tried hard not to be a jerk about it, but I did mention that I would not be around to watch if she started seeing someone else.
For the next two weeks I didn't email or call unless I was responding to her call or email. At the end of that two weeks, she sent a message that said "I know you're not going to like this, but I've started seeing someone." My last response to her ever was "Yep, we're done. Best of luck to you." Hardest email I ever wrote, but it was very clear to me that she had been full of BS for quite some time, and if this was going to have a happy ending for me, I was the only person who could make it happen.
Now, the problem that we all have with these situations is that once that person pops into our head, our brain starts following a well-established process. I'll see a red jeep, it reminds me of her. (Do you know how many red jeeps there are on the road?!?!) Then I'll think "gosh, I sure miss her", followed by "what could I have done better?" followed by a big mishmash of conflicting emotions, rehashing, and generally making myself miserable. This is exactly why Mr. Cuzack phoned that chick out of the blue after a while without her. Once this mental train gets rolling, it's going to ruin even the best of days. So the trick is to find a way to break that train of thought before it can get up a good head of steam.
What I do is simple...as soon as I realize that I'm thinking about her, I just start saying "blah blah blah" in my head until she goes away. I know, it sounds silly, but I can assure you that it works. At first I had to "blah blah blah" quite a bit to change tracks, but very soon I'd only have to do it once. Then I'd laugh, because I'm kinda strange and I find it amusing to mess with my own brain like that. Eventually, my brain took over for me...instead of reminding myself to "blah blah blah" when she comes up, now I'm often not even aware I started to think about her until I hear "blah blah blah" in my head. It also happens a lot less often.
While it's certainly true that we can't control who we fall for or how we feel about them, we CAN and MUST rationally command how we let these emotions affect us. By breaking the mental pattern of thinking about her and allowing myself to dwell and get all sad, I've had a lot more energy to devote to healing and figuring out where this leaves me in the world and where I go from here. I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm confident you can't begin to find them until you can break the mental patterns these @#$%ed up relationships leave you with. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/12/2006 12:43:36 PM |
What I do is simple...as soon as I realize that I'm thinking about her, I just start saying "blah blah blah"
The best cure for something like this is meeting other women, flirting with them, talking to them and ABSOLUTELY not take any of them seriously.
If one of them takes you seriously and starts falling for you, then it is good and you gotta work on it. But, when you give a woman attention, they abuse it. They can't be treated like a queen coz they end up treating u like a dope. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/12/2006 10:33:30 PM | | just be a friend and that's it...don't kiss her wound when her bfs hurt her...that's not your concern....when a gal says she wants to be your friend it means that she's screwing someone else...why waste your energy on a woman like that....treat her like one of your guy friends...whatever!!! | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 165 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/15/2006 8:22:53 PM | Yes I have been a total wuss here and I agree 100%. I was just at her house last night (like an idiot) but I FINALLY realized this girl has SERIOUS issues. All the past week while I had been talking to her on the phone she had been telling me "I'm so sorry I messed things up with you, I do want to be with you and yadda yadda" but all the while I'm thinking "What the hell is wrong with this girl, I know she is just playing me". So last night I'm spending time with her and I decided I would just try a few tests and see what would happen. I started out real strong by saying "Let's move in together". Now keep in mind I had NO intentions whatsoever of this taking place and had she actually said "yes" then I would have switched gears in a quick hurry but as soon as I said this she totally flipped personalities on me and said "We aren't moving in together, I really love you as a friend and blah blah.
What is wrong with this girl?????? One minute she plays me like she is super interested in being with me and as soon as I pretend like I am interested then it's oooooooh hell no your not good enough for me.
This whole sitatuon is the most screwed up thing I have ever dealt with. All the time for the year and a half I have known her, she jokes about how she has multiple personalities and all this time I really thought she was joking but yet I'm starting to believe this.
She claims that the "other guy" is only just her friend now and how she doesn't want to be with him and doesn't want to be with anyone and then at other times she shows interest in being with me. I'm really starting to wonder if she was actually even having sex with him on the dirt road because she slipped up the other day and was talking about how this other guy who she was supposedly screwing was only getting her friendship all this time and nothing more and that how he got pissed at her and called her a cold hearted selfish ****. Like I said before, I know that I could NEVER be with this girl because of all the hell she has put me through.
I got played more than Pee Wee Herman plays with himself and I know this now but what I just don't understand is why did she play me. In this past year I have seen guys fall at her feet trying to give her attention and shower her with gifts but yet I never ever went out and bought her any gifts. The most I would ever spend on her was maybe dinner or lunch and she doesn't give any of these other guys the time of day.
I don't understand what was so special about ME and why she would play me when she could be playing all of these other guys who I know for a fact have tried really hard to get somewhere with her.
Anyways, my anger has finally taken over (again) and I'm going to start being really cold to her and ingore her phone calls and stop visiting. I managed to do this for 3 or 4 months and had totally gotten over her once and for all until she come back into my life again but this time around I'm going to be the one doing the playing and mess with her mind like she has done mind. How in the world did I fall in love with this woman? The sad part is I do still care about her though when I know I should just hate her.
Uggg.....I should be see a therapist or something. LOL | |
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Rich!
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 166 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:11:32 PM | Well, when girls want to be just friends, it's mainly cause they already found someone else or they fear it could go all to waste.
But this girl however....
It sounds like she is using you man, She knows you like her, she knows you can do anything for her, but she make excuses but than goes to your favor and saids stuff like she needs you and all but then switches again.
She's a fake and leech. In fact I bet she laughs with her real bfs behide your back saying how you are nothing more than a man who gives out free stuff.
Stop seeing her cause she lying to you and knows you in a tight spot.
Stop giving her stuff and all. If you stop been her "free sucker" and give her the message you had enough, she show your her true colors and than you will see why you needed to avoid her. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/15/2006 11:52:16 PM | I would say that when I wanted to brake it off with someone I didn't want to be with anymore. That was my nice way of saying good bye. IF a man said that to me, I would say, I don't want to be your friend. But, if I see you on the street I will just say hi. and bye. I have been told that by a guy. It really didn't hurt, only a little. He and I were into different things. Better for me in the long run too.  | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/16/2006 12:26:53 AM | Dude I've been here, and I know it's not easy - believe me I know - but get the hell outta there! She doesn't want you, and even if she did decide to come to you then you could never trust her to be completely loyal. When she calls don't answer, delete her e-mails, stop i'ming her - cut her off completely. You can't make her happy, you can't have her heart, there is simply nothing there for you. If you continue to go down this road you deserve the all the crap that will inevitably happen to you.
I wasn't strong enough to cut and run when I had the chance, and as a result it caused me serious emotional damage as well as stunted what few social abilities I had been able to develop. It set me back YEARS, and I'm still not completely recovered, and I didn't even have as much invested in the relationshiop as you. No girl on earth is worth that - you're better off without.
End it and let it go while you still can, I can't urge you strongly enough -
- LonelyWarrior | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/16/2006 4:52:34 PM |
OK, I have one word for you.....WUSS!!
She's using you because you LET her! Women want a challenge.....they want what they can't have. She can have you anytime she wants you. So where's the challenge? You're not her boyfriend...you're her fallback position. What's worse is you ALLOW this to happen to you. You willingly allow her to play you like a fiddle.
You really want to know what to do? Stop doing things for her! When she asks you to come down, tell her your busy. Stop calling her every day. Stop IM'ing her every day. When she calls you, every now and then tell you have a call on the other line and HANG UP. Then DON'T CALL HER BACK. Wait for her to do so. Go out of your way to make her think that, like her, you have something on the side. You have a life. You have things to do and places to go and people to see. And if she wants to be a part of your life, then she's going to have to put forth some effort.
Also, the next time she needs something from you, DON'T GIVE IT TO HER!! Tell her "gee, that's too bad....but I know you. You'll figure something out." or "you're a rescourseful person. You'll find a way to make it work" something to that effect. When you do see her, take to a bar or club, then as soon as you get there LEAVE HER THERE. Go off and talk to another girl or 3. Make sure she sees you doing this. On the way home brag about how many phone numbers you got that night (even if you didn't get any....tell you you got some).
One last thing. The next time she mentions her other guy, make an excuse and either close out of messenger or hang up the phone. Do that EVERY TIME she mentions him. If she wants to keep talking to you, she'll get the hint after a while and she'll stop doing it.
You're the one in controll here. You have to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head. It's hard as hell to do, but it can be done. You do this, and I guarantee you she will either a) leave you alone, in which case she was never attracted to you to begin with, or b) she'll suddenly see you as a challenge and SHE will start chasing YOU.
Listen well, young Padewan.
Sigh...
Sorry spidey, you are a... DOUCHE. If you have to do all that CRAP listed above to get her to like you, she is NOT the right kind of girl. DO NOT WANT HER. All this advice is a bunch of BS. If you want the sexy, selfish, arrogant females, go ahead and do this crap. It will work. You won't get the RIGHT kind of girl. (Right = Right, in my opinion)
cusack, if you want the kind of girl that appreciates the things that you do for her, is honest, caring, and understanding, keep doing what you are doing... Just not with the kind of woman that you are in love with right now. MOVE ON. I know exactly the type of guy you are, and you are a good guy. Don't let it bother you that this woman is selfish and insensitive. The good females ARE out there... just keep fishing. | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 170 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/16/2006 6:21:57 PM | Guys I am in 100% agreement that I was one of the biggest idiots on this planet. I guess thats what I get for being a nice sincere guy with feelings and instead I let myself be used here. I know I should walk away from this girl and I'm definately pulling away little by little but I want some kind of closure before I can do so. I want to make her so damn jealous because she is so psycho anytime I stop acting like I am interested in her and start talking about how I went out on a date with someone then she gets very jealous and starts the crap about "when are we going out again or when are you coming to see me" but when I do show interest in her and start trying to get serious then she totally flips the opposite direction on me and turns into this cold heartless selfish person.
Anyways, I used to not be like this or be a vindictive person but I want to get even with her and hurt her just as bad as she has hurt me so I'm going to slowly cut off my attention from her and do my best to make her realize what a mistake she made and that she can't have me whenever she wants to use me as her play toy. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/17/2006 10:43:32 AM | Short answer is NO. You can not remain friends with someone you are in love with.
Maybe years from now when you are over her you can, but not right now. Distance yourself from her. Pull away for good. If she wants you she will come back but you also need to let her know if she does that you can't be her buddy. You want a relationship with her and if she can't do that then you have to let her go. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/17/2006 3:34:17 PM | You don't need to get back at her - just leaving is enough. All this stuf she does when you say you went on a date with another person or any of the psycho behavior you witness are "control devices". Women generally are not as physically strong as men, and therefore learn early on in childhood to use other means of offense and defense. Manipulation and yelling are two of these methods. By "pulling the heartstrings" a girl can make you feel bad about something you did, or cause you to feel whatever it is she wants you to feel, all with one aim and this is to control you. Yelling, name calling, this kind of verbal abuse is used on guys that shy at such things, probably because that's what the female that raised them used instead of fists, a belt, or whatever else for punishment. All this to say everything she's doing is textbook female offensive and defensive tactics.
If you just simply stopped calling her, taking her calls, seeing her, i'ming her, etc. then she will have lost control of you, and that is all the vengance you need. PLUS you don't want to let someone like this turn you from a nice guy into some vengful, angry, mean person. Don'tr entertain such thoughts any longer, it's a waste of your time and energy - she may even want you to try to get back at her. Ruin you so you're just as miserable as she has to be and make you unfit for any other girl. Just cut her off completely, get out, and spend some time recovering. If you have some place far away you can go for a week or two do that. Once you have a chance to get your focus back, and have been able to think about things, you'll be strong enough to face her when you get back, because inevitable she will find a way to come see you in an effort to regain control. Make sure she can't before this happens.
Now stop spinning your wheels and entertaing stupid ideas. Cut her off, get out, work this out with yourself, and get back into control of yourself.
- LonelyWarrior | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 173 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/17/2006 7:23:35 PM | LonelyWarrior:
I'm going to take your and others advice and walk away. The last time I spoke with her was this past Monday and we usually talk every single day and it has been so tempting to pick up the phone and call her but as soon as I get those thoughts then I start thinking more about the negative things she has done to me which outweighs the positive so it somewhat forces me to change my mind and fight the urge to call her but it is really hard because I just want to pick up the phone and get some answers although I know I'm not going to get them so why waste anymore energy. Do any of you think she will actually call me? Keep in mind that "I" was the one who would always initiate the call and she has never called me because she would tell me to call her instead. What do I do if she does call? | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/18/2006 8:04:05 PM | | Ask her how she's been... when she says "Fine" or "Great", then say "That's good", then act uninterested in talking to her any longer than that, and end the conversation as soon as possible. She would most likely call again within the next few days, and when she does, do the same thing again. Never seem to excited to talk to her. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/19/2006 2:10:21 PM | | due your a big **** there is so much **** running around here and you wanna get mad about some **** who lives 300 miles away l.................................what a **** smack yourself | |
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