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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/19/2006 4:46:50 PM | My friend, you've fallen into the female of the species' favorite trap.
Look up ladder theory on Google. Live it, learn it, love it. Ignore the parts that're obviously intended by the page's author to shock (the misogynism mainly; he's not serious about that but a woman would easily conclude he was) and it's a very good explanation of human mating behavior indeed. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/19/2006 7:28:31 PM | Hi cusack,
Your life just tumbled because of her...
but you're still calling her...
Hmmm....
and yet she never calls you back... (you initialte all calls)
and then you go to her house and ask her to stay in your house...(she said no)
but you said she is like a leach when he dumps her....
Hmmm... something is wrong here....
I think you never really want her gone in your life...
you said you're a better man by telling her off...
yet you still call her...
Why don't you call other girls? | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/20/2006 1:26:26 AM | | Trust me dude. If you have sex with a friend, and you have a disagreement down the line somewhere, the sex will become an issue. I'm talking from experience here. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/20/2006 2:54:26 AM | F**k her she doesnt deserve your friendship. The only reason you even entertain the idea is because you think somewhere down the line she will see how great a guy you are.....NOT gonna happen.
Answer this question... If you had 5 women that were as attractive or even more attractive, available for you to call....and that would consider themselves lucky to be with you....would you even consider seeing this ****? HELL NO!!!!
Drop the friendship shit...dont call, drive, IM email, or shit...she is now a non entity
spend your time with women that see you as a man not a eunuch | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 180 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/20/2006 7:33:56 PM | I've been totally agreeing here with everyone on the last few posts. Why waste my time on this girl anymore. She had 1000 chances to be with me but instead she chose the other loser who treated her like shit and then even when I did try to at least be her friend she wants to play games so hell with her. I'm not calling her, emailing her or having a damn thing to do with her EVER again.
My only problem that I am having now is I can't stop thinking about her and just how bad she used me and played with my emotions and the sad part is I LET her do it and it is pissing me off. ARGH!!!! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/20/2006 9:05:11 PM | | no one can explain WHY they love someone...she may be a fool...but you must move on...if you married her, would you expect her to honor the contract? there are 5 billion people on the planet and half are women...keep looking or you are doomed... | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/22/2006 4:49:43 PM | Okay. Everyone here seems to be supporting your interpretation of events, your own personal culture of victimization. If I understand clearly what's happened here is that you've fallen for someone, have made your feelings clear, been rejected but not dismissed, and then continued to behave as though you had been accepted. She told you that she wanted to be friends, and then she accepted your overtures after you AGREED be her friend. (This was not explicitly stated, but I can only presume that you did not say "no, I will not accept less than romantic interest" and she did not reply "okay, well do stuff for me and then I will love you")
So really, pause and look at it from her perspective. She has this man whom she likes and who treats her well (claiming to be her friend), who really isn't her friend at all, merely a guy doing things with an agenda (which she clearly stated wasn't her interest) and now resenting her for accepting his help.
You feel deceived? Cheated? Did she fail to live up to her end as a friend? Clearly that's not what she wants from you, but was she ever in a position to help you just as a friend? If she did try and help you as a friend, would you have taken it as a hopeful sign of greater interest? Did she tell you that there was hope for the future? Step away from your own feelings to try and examine the situation from her perspective. If you think she's so great are you right, or are you coming to the conclusion that she's in fact an evil **** that is milking you? Have you bought her expensive gifts at her behest? Has she asked you to pay her rent?
If you can't be just her friend then tell her that you can't manage your feelings for her. The worst thing that you can do is stick around letting resentment build. All that can possibly happen is that it will poison everything you had with her. Maybe you can't regard her well at this point, but if you let things go on, they will end incredibly badly; and any good memories that she had of you will be erased in the tide of your bitterness.
Okay, that was the bad medicine. Here's the good part. It seems like you are a nice, caring, person, with qualities that someone appreciates, even if they do not reciprocate your feelings. Chemistry is a funny thing. If it doesn't exist here, then surely it will, somewhere else. You are not an idiot. What you are is a fool. An idiot doesn't know the difference, a fool makes bad choices. If you know the difference, you don't have to be a fool. | |
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Shaps
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Joined: 4/23/2005
Msg: 183 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/22/2006 5:18:04 PM | | Normally when a girl tells ya she wants to be just friends that is a sign that you ain't gonna hear from her again, how do I know ??? it just happened to me today lol | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/22/2006 5:29:27 PM | I have some advice for you.
Never stop loving her and never try to. The best thing you can do is not look at the future as a negative thing without her, but look at your past as a fullfilling thing that made you happy and made you realize what life is all about.
Its probably better to separate yourself from her and not worry about trying to make her happy as being friends. In time that is something she will understand, so worry about yourself and go quietly and peacefully and stay true to yourself. Let her know you love her and always will, and never have a regret that you didn't change the person you are.
Years from now you will have someone who appreciates you for who you are, and how much you will sacrifice for them, and you will understand when someone truly cares for you they will do the same.
Life is about the journey you take, and then the journey you take with someone else.
Ultamitely, you are your own person and your journey is unique. Be happy that time in her life was spent with you and time in your life was spent with her. That time you both gave will never be taken away from you, no matter what things were said, but the rest of your life starts today.
Stay positive! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/22/2006 11:35:52 PM | hey i gotta agree with spidey1087 one of my best friends is a girl and i talk to her everyday
we go out to bars well people think we're dateing half the time but we not anyway the reason i agree with spidey1087 is that i get the inside scoop on what girls think or at least her and her friends think and its the challenge, the idea that she can get that dude to leave his ex,
also its how you act around her she may not like the sweetheart type,
look women want people to pay attention it doesnt matter if its a guy or a girl so
if shes dateing a guy that treats her like shit and all her friends know this there gonna say something to which means that now all eyes are on her (get it)
the whole i can change him deal
and look use her just like she does you
you get lonely call her talk to her until you find someone
if you really love her then just be there for her and dont tell her how stupid she is for dating someone or talk crap about who she is dating
as far i know you dont need to be physical to show your love
also a while back i started to get a crush on my friend so i told her that and that i needed a little space from her and by doing this i opened the door to her to see if there was something there we could move on, 2) to see if she was just taking advange of cause if she was she would have not respected my choice to not hang out with her for while
well good luck it is hard seeing someone you love do stupid things like she's doing trust
i have delt with it for tens years now
play the game dont let it play you | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/23/2006 1:59:47 AM | Cusack,
New here, but have read through the pages and pages of people telling you to finally end it and move on. Twice, months apart, you have sworn you would, using nearly the same words each time.
So do yourself a favour finally and let go. You have been like two boxers in a clinch all this time. Return to your corner, throw in the towel, go take a shower, and when you feel ready, get back in the ring with someone else.
The reason you wanted her to hurt just like you did, and the reason you can't stop thinking about her, is because you're still involved. Whether it's love or hatred you're feeling, it's still some sort of attachment. The opposite of love isn't hatred, it's indifference. You need to stop caring, to feel indifferent. You have to tell yourself: I couldn't care whether she lived or died.
One thing you should also ask yourself is this: what attracted you to her in the first place? If she was hot, then that's normal. But on some level, you can't give up this "beautiful" woman. Be honest here: If she were plain-looking, or even ugly, would you have held on to this fantasy as long as you have? | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 187 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/23/2006 12:41:12 PM | No it is finally over and I have not called her nor am I going to. I don't know why I held on to this girl for as long as I did, maybe because I really thought we made good friends but just when the friendship thing was going fine and I showed interest in other girls then she would get jealous and start focusing her attention more on me and act like she wanted to be with me but as soon as I would start doing that then she would switch gears and bounce back to just wanting the friendship. I guess this is what they called getting played?
I promise you and everyone else on this post I"M DONE with her. It's time to move on with my life without her and that is what I'm doing. | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 188 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/24/2006 10:24:20 AM | Someone on this post said that she would call me and they were right. In the first time in a year and a half she actually called me this morning but I didn't answer and she left two messages one said "why haven't you called me"? and the other said "I miss my friend....please call me". I really think this girl has issues because like I stated in several previous posts because as soon as I show some interest in being with her then she totally goes the opposite direction and says she wants to be friends but when I show interest in other girls then she acts jealous and tries to then sweet talk me. I haven't called her back and don't know what to do. I do kinda want to be just her friend because even though I think she is psycho at times we have a lot of fun hanging out but it's when she plays the games is what is driving me insane. What would you guys do? It's not like I don't have other girls to talk to either because I do, it's just that when her and I are together we "click" and have a wonderful time just laughing, talking, and spending time together.
I would be PERFECTLY happy with the friendship if she would stop playing these games. I fall into her trap almost every time because there is a small part of me that wants to be with this hot psycho chick but I know that will NEVER happen nor would I want it to because I know she never loved me like I did her and she just enjoyed playing this game. Should I talk to her about it? Or do I just ignore her and go on about life? Most everyone on here will say "hell with this girl and don't worry about the friendship", but when she is being a normal person, we get along and have more fun than I do with my guy friends. I've known for a very long time we would never end up actually being in a relationship because she never loved me like I did her but instead I stayed around because I value our friendship....at least I do when things are normal.
I've never asked but maybe she has some of mood disorder or bi-polar or something? I dunno and I'm not a doctor but there is no doubt in my mind that something is not firing on all cylinders sometimes. Lol, I bet she would have made Sigmund Freud go crosseyed. Anyways, what would some of you do in this situation? | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/24/2006 10:46:08 AM | People all have their own definition of what a friend is. When a girl tells you she likes you but only as a friend, smile, turn, walk away and don't look back because that is her way of saying you don't shiver her timbers and don't even think about her ever being romantic with you.
And then they have the "good friends" category that I guess is supposed to hurt less because it says "good" in front of it..... which I never understood to mean more than "Yes you ARE kinda sorta okay but you still don't do it for me and I would rather have root canal than date you."
I am of the other school. I have a close circle of 4-5 friends and we have a bond between us where if the sniper has one bullet left the only argument we'd have would be about why they should live while I take the bullet, because I'll step out and take it. These are people who changed THEIR plans to accomodate ME in the past. I'm the guy who got the call when my friend's car broke down at 3am on the way home from a ski trip with his 9 yr old son. I got up, went to his house, got his other car with the tools in it, drove 2 hours to where he was, then drove his kid back home and went BACK to meet him and work on the car. THAT is what friends are, not "You don't annoy me totally but I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth and it was up to us to continue the human race". And when a woman wants to be a "friend", that's what she means.
You earn your way into my circle of friends. I place higher value on what a true friend is than a lover. Lovers have come and gone for me, and will continue to, but that group of friends has been there and will always be there.
But that's just me. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/24/2006 11:10:13 AM | Cusack,
I don't know what "some" would do in this situation, but I do know that ANYONE with any sense who really wanted to put this whole sorry mess behind him would not return her calls. If that's truly what you want, ignore her. Just pretend she doesn't exist.
The fact you are even thinking about whether or not she is bi-polar or whatever is a clear sign that you still care about her. You have to NOT care in order to get over her.
She's been mentally abusive to you, and you let her. If you make the mistake of going back to her, then it's you who needs his head examined. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/25/2006 6:38:21 PM | I just experienced this...
I met this girl...she actually was the nurse that saved my aunts life at the hospital... So my aunt begged me to go and meet her when she was ill....I never wanted to, and one day I found her on myspace...I wrote her for awhile, we instantly fell deeply in love... I refused to be had so easily only because of past relationships... well I broke it off with her, she called me over and over, and finally I came to my senses and realized that it was worth the anguish... welll to make a long story short...I gave her 150% of my love, cared for her 2 kids like they were my own, gave her financial support... motivational support...and compromised my whole existence to make her happy... an example... of how I am... I bought her an easter basket on easter, gave her flowers and gifts on mothers day...and made a scrapbook of our relationship...with pages to fill for the future.... well it wasnt enough... now 4 months later, her grandpa passes, her grandma is about to pass...and she is broke, in debt..stressed..over her ideal weight, and was told that her heart will fail at 45 and there is no cure... So her answer to all that..was to tell me that she has never felt the same for me since, I broke it off with her months ago... I was crushed... and still am.... still hold on to yesterday...trying to be her friend...but she has shut me out...tonight is the night, I will completely let her go..tell her I cant be friends, and I need distance to heal..and to stay away... its hard but if being with out me is going to make her happy, I will gladly sacrifice my own heart to mend hers... its just hard.. I know I am probably rambling...but just had to get this off my chest..
Broken and batterd... | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/25/2006 9:43:14 PM |
I will gladly sacrifice my own heart to mend hers
Been there, done that man, and I got the crushed nads to prove it.
Move on to the next one; do not pass go, do not collect $200. Don't waste your time on women you don't have a chance with. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/25/2006 10:08:20 PM | | my heart goes out to you,it really sucks to love someone and not to have that love returned, i have never been in that situation, but i no people who have, it is just a one way street for you, at least you no she is getting something she wants from you, and you are getting something you need from her, you should try to understand what is holding you to her, and you say she cheats on you with and assole, there really has to be something wrong with her we all have choices just thiknk off that song by george jones anyways goodluck, hope everything works out for you, hope she wakes up and realise who the good man is ,,,,,,,blessing | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/26/2006 12:07:52 PM | Stop being a victim. People treat you how you let them. I have no sympathy for you because you let it happen that way. It was your choice to bend over backwards for a woman that didn't care about you, nobody made you do that. Take ownership of your actions and know when to cut off the people that don't like you. You'll have less friends, but at least nobody will be taking advantage of you. That being said you should keep in mind that if there is no physical connection by the second or third date, (and I'm not talking about having sex, this could mean anything from making out to holding hands) then it is not going to happen at all and you should know that she's just not that into you.
For now, spend less time talking to the girl that doesn't like you, and find someone who does. Your time is valuable. You should treat it as such.
Good luck next time around. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/27/2006 3:43:30 AM | | ok we setteled the whole, should u be friends with her thing.. I want to say something in responce to some of the replys u got. Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's not interested in you romantically. Sometimes being a friend is a easy way to get to know someone, and how they REALLY are like. Instead of having a few dates and realising that the person u think is cute and nice is really a jerk. Then u don't have to worry about having that big akward moment where you have to say to them that your not interested anymore. Now if they say straight out they don't like you romantically. Well they said it and it's probably true. Or they are just trying to do some mind game on ya to see if that will make you interested in them. Ya know the whole want what you can't have thing. IF they just want to be friends thou, that does not rule out romantic involvment all together, so if you "walk away" just because they want to be friends, you could be ruining a possibe chance of hooking up. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/27/2006 6:39:27 AM | Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's not interested in you romantically
With respect, I have to say that you're the exception to the rule then. Until I finally met someone recently (not from PoF BTW) this was a constant source of frustration for me. I have *tons* of female friends who seem to regard me as some sort of gay guy, who all tell me how wonderful, sweet, understanding, desirable, etc I am. They tell me all about their men problems and praise me for my sage advice-- then they go right back to banging those other guys. Now I have genuine philial affection for each and every one of these women; taken individually each friendship is rewarding for me too, inasmuch as I also gain their special advice & insight into my female problems. However, when a man has umpteen female 'friends' and zero lovers, he finally says, "Enough is enough!" and he stops taking on any more mere friends.
There's a big difference between wanting to be friends first, and friends only. However, when I read a woman's profile that overly belabors and hammers the 'friends' angle it would put me off immediately. It makes me think that we'd be a waste of each other's time. Do these women not acknowledge the simple unspoken truth that friendship is *already a part* of love? This isn't rocket science.
Unattached men have extraordinary difficulty being mere friends with women they're attracted to. Thank heavens I am attached now. Being a gay guy was getting pretty old. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/27/2006 6:49:49 AM | | Erm love sucks maybe mate but your story sound familiar. Best thing to do move on and meet as many people as you can so you eventually crowd your feelings out for her. She not worth it. Go and find some one who will apreciate you for who you are. There plenty woman out there mate, it just finding them. But don't clutch on to debris, move on. I done that, woman are crazy when they with another guy and they say they want friendship with a bloke. What's the point i ask you??? any way all the best for the future mate, and i hope you find what you are looking for | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:21:10 AM | | You have gotten tons of great advice from people who have been there..........I have been there too, in a very similar situation in fact, and I am here to tell you man, it is hard, so hard, and yes it hurts like hell, when you really LOVE (or think you love) a woman who won't love you back. I endured something like this with a woman. I loved her dearly from the moment we met, for 3 months we saw each other, the sex was great........but she only wanted to be "friends with benefits"........I couldn't deal with that, man, had to get out.......we stayed "friends" for a while, hung out a few times, but finally I couldn't deal with it anymore and broke it off. I have not SEEN or TALKED to this woman in TWO YEARS now......every now and then out of the blue I will get an i.m. from her but I usually will ignore it. If I do respond I make sure that it isn't right away so we aren't on at the same time. I am not going to lie and say that I don't still think of her, it is hard not to, but life must go on...............It sucks and I feel for you, bro, but at some point it is time to cut your losses and move on. What comes around goes around, I do believe that. Don't waste your time with women who only want to be "friends".........what they are saying is that you aren't "good enough" for anything except to be their "sounding board" or their "emotional tampon" (I think someone said this one earlier and it is a good analogy).........Do you really want to sit around and LISTEN to them rail on and on about this guy or that guy or whatever? Do you really want to have to listen to all this stuff from them and then have to endure being asked for your opinions or for your advice about this guy or that guy that they have the hots for or just broke up with or whatever? Or the great guy she met at work? HELL NO! Move on, walk away, and don't look back. Look at it THIS WAY: It is HER LOSS, not yours.............You seem like a great guy. One of these days someone will appreciate you for who you are. Just walk away, forget her as best as you can (I say as best as you can because I don't know if it is completely possible to ever totally forget).........but as they say with time, things get better and become clearer. Time really does help to heal things, like broken hearts. Just hang on, things will get better. Hope this helps. | |
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