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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:21:55 AM | I've received "Thank you for your email, but I've just met someone & I want to see where it goes."
I know perfectly well that this is a 'thanks, but no thanks' response.
But it is a classy, simple way to say no, and I respect the person who sends it.
I will sometimes send back. "Thank you for your reply & good luck in your search."
Never forget that we live in a small world, and you never know where or when you might meet someone, even someone you sent a hello to. Good impressions left always come back to you in one way or another. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:33:24 AM | There are times when my email box gets full from me not keeping up. Usually I find myself interested more in a particular person and I'm not too good at diluting myself across a wide range of correspondences when it's not already clear we're just friendly. So, there I am procrastinating with a hint of not wanting to hurt anyone and I have a pile of unanswered mail. Sometimes, if just too old, justified by they're probably not expecting anything from me anymore, I delete a mass in one swoop. Other times, I sit down and sincerely thank them all for their attention and well wishes and sharing of sentiments. If someone is nice enough to show interest, I've got to try to send them along with what's helpful and positive.  | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 8:12:40 AM | I've gotten rude replies to 'thanks but no thanks.' Now, I don't reply at all if I'm not interested.
You don't have to respond if you don't want to. But stop using the rude replies as an excuse. A woman could easily block or ignore a man after rejecting him to prevent getting rude emails. I think some women exaggerate the amount of rude emails they get after rejecting someone. Some women have stated on various threads that 80%-90% of the men that they rejected will send a rude email after rejection. I know some women have used various internet dating sites. They got some rude emails after rejecting a man, but the percentage was not anywhere close to 80%. If 80%-90% of men are rude to a woman after a rejection, then maybe it's the way she rejected them is the reason why she gets a high percentage of rude emails. Some people don't have tact when rejecting someone.
Personally I think would be polite to get a "No thanks" response to reasonably well written email, but I wouldn't get angry over a read / delete. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:20:00 PM | Hi celts123
What I've been talking about is a button which the woman could click when she gets an email from someone that does not interest her. It would send the man an email that says Thanks but no thanks. Period. No explanation. It would also block the man.
That way the man knows there's no point to "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." and the woman would have a simple, simple way to "close the door". No rudeness on either part. No endless waiting on the man's end either.
What surprises me is the number of people that say, if she just reads the email, but doesn't reply, she's not interested. I just got a call from someone I hadn't heard from in over a month. She's interested. I forgot to get back to someone for a couple of days. I'm interested.
I think we all need a clear - not interested, and do not disturb button. It would be on the same place as the reply button is now.
Do you have any suggestions so I can make this clearer?
Thanks | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:18:10 PM | Re Message #454
I tried that and just rec'd my first nasty, bitter email. Said that I was greedy and dishonest, to get off the dam site and so on...then made reference to my 'shitty' profile. If it was that shitty why did he write? In my case it was true I had just been out with someone I had met on here and was trying to decide if there was potential there or not. EXCUSE me for not wanting to take my profile down immediately after the second casual date. Some people need to stop being so bitter and get a grip. At least I had the courtesy to thank the guy for taking the time to look at my profile and write. Too bad he couldn't be courteous in return.
I wonder if I would have gotten a nasty note if I had not replied at all.... | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:29:17 PM | My preference is to reply when I can, every time .. with the exception of a two or three word email that means nothing or one where the profile is empty and such a mystery because everything in it is 'prefer not to say'. Those are rare.
The unread/deleted is rude, period , or reading it and deleting it without even acknowledging the message. Some people really do put an effort and much thought into the content of an email. If I choose to put myself out there, maybe I prefer to assume some respect and treat others with some and be an individual who doesn't treat them as 'disposable' and, therefore, acknowledge their efforts. They TOOK THE TIME to send me an email.
After all, we live in a society where everything else is disposable at our fingertips, right? I refuse to be one of those self righteous individuals who feels I am above the well meaning person who initially made the effort to let me know they are interested, because sitting back and thinking that it isn't a big deal to hit the delete button without reading the email just sends the acted out message that I am better than they are and they aren't worth responding to. Wrong. The least I can do is respond in kind eventually with the response taking very little time on my part as I am having dinner, or whatever, because I am not superior. Men can handle rejection if you choose your words carefully. I'm certainly not in that top percentile where a person couldn't possibly answer because they are rec'g hundreds of emails a day, but maybe those women who are making a big deal of replying ... ARE? Interesting?
Point made. I won't be arguing this forum post again .. I already have. Good for those who take the time to respond when they can and showing their level of class. It might be tough to find the time, but if you make some all you are doing is giving what was initially done for you. This is a good forum post because it brings me back to Dale Carnegie's beliefs about how we treat others in life, no matter how simple this appears to be or how insignificant. Trust me, it is significant.
I did say that I wouldn't argue this forum post again: never say never !! .... but let's just say that it will depend on the calibre of argument that is presented.
IMHO, only.
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:45:02 PM | nothin wrong with it all ,and for those who put some effort into a message they've sent me but who I 'm just not feeling I would be compatable with I most definitely send a thanks but no thanks mail.
To those who are rude/overtly sexual, say nothing ,abuse emoticons, don't write in english , I often don't respond at all as I don't know what they think I *should* respond to!
yeah umm great use of the dancing banana there pal? | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:29:38 AM | Ok, I am trying this again. I just spent over an hour, answering every mail in my box. Haven't been on line for awhile, so it fills up.
I can just about bet atleast a fourth of them will send me a nasty response back.
That is why I stop answering for awhie, and then try again.
I don't want to come off as rude, but come on guys, let it go if you get a thanks but no thanks response. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:20:54 AM | | When new to this site, I felt that I was working full time at the computer replying to every response but I continued to do so. I think its' rude not to. In my 'rejection' letter I try to include a compliment of some sort related to his profile and then I tell him that "Im, sorry...I just don't feel it." I think "not interested" is too direct. I think that 'read/deleted is very rude, mind you...they weren't potential candidates anyway. Occasionally I will tell them the part of their profile that caused the lack of interest for me and I have gotten really good feedback from men who appreciated the fact that I cared enough to make a suggestion. But basically, it does boil down to appearance for me first. If the picture creates an attraction, and his introduction interests me as well, and his message indicates genuine effort, I am certainly interested in further communication. I appreciate a "thanks but no thanks". | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:27:31 AM | | There is one more thing that I should have mentioned. To date, I have received only one nasty response. He pointed out why he was offended and he had a point. I then revised my profile to include some of my more important expectations. That has totally minimized the amount of messages I receive and therefore the need to send 'rejection' letters. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:54:36 AM | You know, this is what gets me. If someone sends me a PM asking how I am or that he enjoyed reading my profile, I really cannot understand how a 'thanks but no thanks ' apply? I would normally answer the question or say thanks for the compliment. That's my idea of courtesy. Only if he says he wants to meet me or call me would my answer be maybe, 'thanks but no thanks' but not in those words. I find it ridiculous that people use the excuse that they do not want to waste time so they have a license to be impolite and rude.
If you are here, you are wasting time already. Don't be so high almighty about your precious time. Nothing excuses you from bring rude. This is not a rant because I have never been on the receiving end of thanks but no thanks since I seldom initiate first contact. But this is one of the things that irritates me. Rudeness! If somebody took a minute of his time to contact me, unless the message is rude, I will apply the golden rule. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:18:20 PM | | Blasted AGAIN for replying to someone with a polite, I'm not interested. I do try to answer all emails, but it is SO frustrating to get a rude email back for saying "I'm not interested"!!! I realize it is not ALL men that do this....not even the majority of men. This is why I keep sending some sort of reply no matter what, but it's still frustrating! | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:06:33 PM | Did any of you ladies ever think to report these a$$ holes that get rude with you when you say thanks but no thanks. If you would start reporting them to the moderators they would eventually get thrown off of POF. Report and block them, Simple. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:18:22 PM | nobody on here owes you any kind of explanation for anything.
that doesnt make them mean, that doesnt mean they lack "common courtesy"
theyre strangers and so are you and they arent required to do anything for you. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:09:20 PM | The unread/deleted is rude, period , or reading it and deleting it without even acknowledging the message.
So you think unread/deleted is rude ~ that's fine. It doesn't mean other people consider it rude and to project your definition of "rude" onto other people isn't the most mature thing I've ever heard.
Some people really do put an effort and much thought into the content of an email. If I choose to put myself out there, maybe I prefer to assume some respect and treat others with some and be an individual who doesn't treat them as 'disposable' and, therefore, acknowledge their efforts.
Why would anyone invest so much in an initial email so as to set themselves up to feel slighted if it isn't responded to? A simple, "Hi there, I looked at your profile and really enjoyed it. Would love to chat if you're up for it." would be a sufficient expression of interest without leaving you feeling like you've made an emotional investment to a stranger. C'mon...where is personal accountability here? If we choose to put so much into an initial email and the person doesn't respond, who's really responsible for us feeling slighted?
I refuse to be one of those self righteous individuals who feels I am above the well meaning person who initially made the effort to let me know they are interested, because sitting back and thinking that it isn't a big deal to hit the delete button without reading the email just sends the acted out message that I am better than they are and they aren't worth responding to.
And herein lies the core of the problem ~ those of us who don't respond when not interested (and are likewise not offended when someone we've sent an email to doesn't respond) don't see the lack of response as an indication the person thinks they're superior in some way. We don't view it as them being self righteous or thinking we're not worth responding to. It's not about whether the person sending the email has value. Good grief ~ we are strangers. It's not like it's a person we've been dating or have some kind of relationship with. We're talking about strangers on the internet, many of whom we will never meet, let alone know. Projecting your views and expectations onto others is a set up for disappointment every time. So if that's working for you, then great. Just keep on keepin' on.
For me, if I send an email to someone, I:
* Don't invest so much in it that I'm going to feel slighted or hurt if they don't respond.
* Don't expect a response, but enjoy it if I get one.
* Don't feel hurt, confused, slighted, offended, irritated, or any other negative emotion if I don't get a response. I just think, "Well, ok...not interested." >shrug< Next!
nobody on here owes you any kind of explanation for anything.
that doesnt make them mean, that doesnt mean they lack "common courtesy"
theyre strangers and so are you and they arent required to do anything for you.
Exactly. The bottom line here is that none of us can control what other people do or don't do. Whining about it isn't productive and doesn't reflect well on you. I don't like poor spelling and grammar, and although I've posted in forums on the subject and shared my views, I don't start threads to whine about people not trying harder to spell correctly. Some people (many, in fact) think it's rude and disrespectful for people to send emails full of horrible spelling, sloppy typing, poor grammar, and text speak. But really, what will it accomplish to whine about it? It's not going to change anything; people are what they are. Either accept it or don't date them. Pffft. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:06:49 PM |
For me, if I send an email to someone, I:
* Don't invest so much in it that I'm going to feel slighted or hurt if they don't respond.
* Don't expect a response, but enjoy it if I get one.
* Don't feel hurt, confused, slighted, offended, irritated, or any other negative emotion if I don't get a response. I just think, "Well, ok...not interested." >shrug< Next!
I agree with you on all this except the part where you realize you don't get a response. I many times don't even remember I sent one after about a half hour...honestly, I've gotten responses and/or gotten e-mails from men I added to my favorites and not known why they were messaging me.
I just don't see the point in following something you sent and can't control the outcome of...or dwelling on it. If it helps, delete it from your sent page after sending it; but who cares if they respond? The success is in your efforts, not the results. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:18:13 PM | I usually reply to most emails, but not all. I, too, have gotten mean emails or IM's after I say no, but thanks to someone. It's a little scary once this has happened fairly frequently.
I don't get a reply to some emails and you know what? I forget about it. I send a lot of emails, I get some emails, and if they don't reply, I pretty much get the message without hearing anything negative about me.
Half the time you say "thanks but no thanks" they want to know why. It's none of anyone's business and I would never go around telling anyone why I wasn't interested. Do you know how mean that would be to tell someone why you don't like them? I'd never want to hear that from someone I don't even know, some criticisms about myself. How would that make me feel better? It wouldn't.
This is the internet. This is not the 1920's where everyone said ma'am and sir and please and thank you. You do what works for you and what causes you the least amount of aggravation and sometimes downright pain. It's great to be polite as often as you can, but if it doesn't happen, people should stop dwelling on stuff and move on to someone who cares enough to answer and not act like they're feelings are so hurt. When you don't even know someone, why would you give anyone power like that over you? | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:36:57 PM | Another take on things.
I have a phone. Someone gets my name out of a phone book and calls me. I didn't ask them to phone me. Am I obligated to answer? If I have not asked someone to call me, does the fact they took the time to phone me mean it is rude if I don't pick up? Is it rude to ignore a phone call from a salesman?
Having said that, I usually try to answer emails from the following people:
- Someone I am interested in
- Someone who has actually asked me an intelligent question (sometimes even the unintelligent ones)
I tend not to answer the emails that say something to the effect of: "Hi! I am interested in you. Email me." | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:30:34 PM | How about when you try to be nice and email the person just saying Hi/How are you? when you get the "Give me your phone number and I will call you" email. I don't feel comfortable giving someone my number after 3 minutes of chat and then get a nasty email back saying I am a player and how typical of POF women to be rude. Then get called all kinds of names because I let it drop and didn't say "Good-bye!" LOL
Takes all kinds I guess.  | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:26:10 PM | I believe that you have to just think of it as your 'weeding process'.
Anyone that is not willing to read what you have written to them is not worth expending any more energy on.
This frees you up to meet someone that values what you have to say!
Just my thoughts ...
CC. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:37:19 AM | | OK .........i have to agree with the majority here. Although a response is nice its not a requirement. Actions do speak louder than words,,,and who really needs an excuse for why someone is not interested. Generally i think it's a gut reaction to the picture posted by the person, a non.chemistry thing. Lets be honest we all like to have eye candy on our arms no matter how much we say 'I am not that shallow". We all have our vanity. Best of luck to all 'fishers' and I hope you all find the happiness you seek.....peace, Bob | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:41:34 AM | | I have to admit, if I get the opening initial e-mail saying how sexy I am with a phone number, I don't bother replying. It just screams player and doesn't interest me and there just seems to be no need to reply. I don't know why some men think that's a turn on in an initial e-mail. Especially if they are graphic. I suppose I could reply with some sort of response, but to me a degrading e-mail that is lacking in class probably doesn't deserve a response. If an e-mail is nice and tasteful, I'll generally respond and let them know whether I'm interested or not. Those strange e-mails though generally just get blocked and deleted. I'm looking for someone that is kind, and doesn't seem like he has all sorts of pat lines dreamed up to pick up women. | |
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