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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/2/2008 9:50:08 PM | | From reading the posts from women about the nasty messages they receive, it's no wonder so many of them just Read/Delete without a reply. That's unfortunate for those of us who would at the least thank them for their time in replying, wishing them good luck in their search, and then leaving them be. That's what I do. But alas, it's understandable as to the cause of the Read/Delete. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:19:59 PM | From reading the posts from women about the nasty messages they receive, it's no wonder so many of them just Read/Delete without a reply.
Heart Bandit, often I can kind of tell who is not going to retaliate with a nasty email, so I respond to them. However, after the first six days of responding to almost every first time message, I started clicking on the Read/Delete.
On the forums, I can be a stuck-up little snotty brat, especially on pity threads but it seems different with emails. An insult on the forums to what I post seldom bothers me. However, it hurts when I receive an insulting email to my polite reply. For six days, if the guy didn’t appeal to me, I tried to be nice when I responded; I really did. However, after six days I’ve become jaded.
The first six days, when I was not interested in a guy, I took a lot of time to give a polite and respectful reply that he should not take personal. That was easy when they lived very far away or if they were considerably older. However, I had to put a lot of though in finding a polite reason for not being interested whenever the only reason was because the guy was of low intelligence, short, ugly, or just creepy. Nevertheless, I was usually able to create a nice reply with a reason that he should not find offensive. A couple of time I didn't succeed, such as when I stated a guy's style of writing (such as frequent use of i c and u r) appeals to most young girls, but it would just grate on me.
Regardless, more often than not, the guy would respond to my very respectful answer with a rude, spiteful, or sarcastic response. A few times, even the first email I receive is rude. Perhaps that is because the guy knows that he cannot meet the stated qualifications that I am looking for in a guy.
Now instead of responding, unless I have good vibes about the guy, if I am not interested, I Read/Delete. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:24:54 PM | | Lyndee, perhaps the reason some of these guys lash out is because you are attracting bad karma. You are lying! Maybe these men see through it. I'd say if you can't be totally honest with them in a respectable manner (it's not easy to say someone is too fat/skinny/short/bald/ugly/etc in a nice way but it can be done) then just say "sorry, I'm not feeling anything here and I'm really too busy to add more "friends" to my inbox. but thanks for your interest and good luck to you in the future". I can't speak for any of these guys. But many people come across as very transparent, even in their emails. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:51:19 PM | Deuce, you are making a good point, that I didn't consider and I especially like your suggestion for how to word my message in those cases. However, it doesn't account for the sarcastic replies I received when I was telling the truth; for example, responding to guys in their their thirties with the following message:
So far I am averaging about 30 messages a day. It is not my fault that I receive so many messages. Nevertheless, as a result, I must be very selective in whom I encourage to respond further because I just don’t have the time or inclination to message, chat, perhaps talk on the telephone, and then meet and date more than two or three guys.
My profile states that I wish to meet a single guy from 19 to 25. I have decided to stick to that age range. It is not that I wish to be that rigid. However, I need to limit my choices and that is as good of a way as any.
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You can nitpick because I have considered considered someone as old as 27; however, never anyone older and I was responding to guys in their thirties that I would never consider due to their age. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:53:15 AM | | I still don't get it. If you get an email from somebody in whom you are not interested and do not want to hear from again, why not simply delete and block. End of story without any nasty replies to deal with. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:08:36 PM | What's wrong with it? Nothing- it's the responses that come back.
About 85% of the men I say "Thanks, but no thanks" to lash back at me with nasty emails. OR they keep trying and trying... since I reponded with something,ANYthing, I must really be interested. Um.. noooo...
It's very few who actually say "thanks for taking the time to respond." | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 2:51:50 PM | I still don't get it. If you get an email from somebody in whom you are not interested and do not want to hear from again, why not simply delete and block. End of story without any nasty replies to deal with.
Goodness gracious, how can you suggest such a thing? ...I won't say it; I will bite my tongue and be nice.
That is huge insult. When the guy tries to respond and the message states you have blocked him, he is going to be many times more upset than if you had just clicked Read/Delete. That says, "I think you are creepy and dangerous. You are calling him a pervert. He may create another account to really let you have it and he may stalk you on the forums. Much more so than if you block a guy after you have already received a rude or numerous messages. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:08:54 PM | Lyndee1 wrote:
"I still don't get it. If you get an email from somebody in whom you are not interested and do not want to hear from again, why not simply delete and block. End of story without any nasty replies to deal with."
Goodness gracious, how can you suggest such a thing? ...I won't say it; I will bite my tongue and be nice.
That is huge insult. When the guy tries to respond and the message states you have blocked him, he is going to be many times more upset than if you had just clicked Read/Delete. That says, "I think you are creepy and dangerous. You are calling him a pervert. He may create another account to really let you have it and he may stalk you on the forums. Much more so than if you block a guy after you have already received a rude or numerous messages.
Like he still wouldn't go that if you continue to delete his messages unread? If you don't want to hear from him again, what does it matter if it is an insult, huge or not. Considering someone to be creepy or a pervert because you block them is your own definition of blocking. That I have effectively blocked everyone but Admin, is that an insult to everyone? It is touching that you are so considerate of those who contact you that will potentially be nasty in return for your rejection of them.
The block function is there for a reason and POF has ways of dealing with stalkers. There are no perfect answers in life. If there are those who refuse to use the block function, then they should not complain too loudly about unwanted people continuing to contact them. For those who have been blocked--get the message: they just do not want to hear from you. Nothing more than that. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:27:18 PM |
For those who have been blocked--get the message: they just do not want to hear from you. Nothing more than that.
Read/Delete sends the same message and it is easier. If someone wishes to do it your way, that fine and dandy. However, who are you to think you get to make the rules? | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:31:04 PM | | Good thread, 99.9% of the time I just move on with the no thanks response or read deleted. Ahh but wait a minute, after reading some other threads I may try a second time after a read/deleted because the reciepient may have been tired that day! But on occasion fustration sets in, expecially when interests and other profile factors indicate we may have something in common. And the individual doesn't even respond!!! Then what the hell are you looking for!! Is your profile really honest!! So for those people they get the 1000th rejection ball bust response before moving on.. sorry to those who recieved them.. it was just your turn... | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:00:02 PM | I have sent so many Thanks but no thanks messages, only to have messages back about what a great catch the guy is to why dont you get to know me before you say no or questions about why i am not interested  So now i just find it easier to read and not reply ...lmao... I will wait a few days before deleting in the hopes that i dont hurt anyones feelings or crush anyones self esteem ....(not concieted but know how it feels to see a read/delete)
OP it sounds like you have had your self esteem crushed otherwise you wouldnt be obsessing about it enough to start a post! ...move on and sent another message to another woman when its meant to be it will be!
good luck with your fishing
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 9:58:53 PM |
I will wait a few days before deleting in the hopes that i dont hurt anyones feelings or crush anyones self esteem ....(not concieted but know how it feels to see a read/delete)
I like that. It implies you were considering the guy. I can see that is better than a quick "no way." | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 10:02:04 PM | For those of you who do the read/delete or block a user without a response I think you are making things so much more difficult on the next woman. You are effectively creating monsters within the dating pool. If a guy gets a few of these non-responses from women he's contacted he is likely to start getting a little hostile and feeling like this may be a complete waste of his time. Pretty soon you may see men dropping off this site like flies because YOU are wasting their time by asking for interesting men to contact them and stating what it is you seek in a man and then not giving them the time of day. It's ludicrous and it's rude! Make yourself a generic email if you have to, I don't care! Copy and paste your responses if you are lazy and don't want to write a one-liner saying thanks but no thanks. If the guy responds again THEN you can consider blocking him but to block without a response?! I have been blocked by two ladies, one who is a psycho and lost it on me for not taking her opinions in a forum to heart, and another for some strange reason I'll never understand. But when I went to email her back I was floored to see I was blocked! She contacted ME! I responded with a nonchalant but comically sarcastic message and asked some neutral questions and she blocks me?!
Lyndee,
Let me make a suggestion here, and this ties in to all the other women who read/delete or unread/block users. In that email where you tell them "thanks but no thanks and that you really don't have time to be adding more friends that you don't intend to date" that you have been continuously harrassed by some after you've said no. Tell them you are not interested in bartering your position on the matter and wish to just let the conversation end there but if you get attacked or bombarded by email or IM on the subject you will block the user. Good luck to you and yours.
This states your intention without being rude. So if they get blocked by you after sending you more emails they know why they were blocked. I would change your approach Lyndee because I can see why guys would want to respond back to that. I'm 28 and let's say I saw your profile and thought we were a good fit personality and lifestyle-wise but your age range was set at 19-27 I'd still message you and ask you to keep an open mind here and consider messaging me. If you sent me an email saying thanks but I don't date those over 27 I'd be inclined to write you back and say "you are really going to let the man of your dreams slip between your fingers over a lousy 365 days?! ;-)" Also, by saying you need to be very selective you are saying you are overly picky and they aren't good enough. People don't like to hear they aren't good enough. I know it's not our job to pad their ego's or make them feel better about themselves but if it's in the pursuit of sanity and non-harrassing emails then it is generally better to lie by omission. Leave out that part that tells them you think you are better than them or that you don't think they are good enough and just leave it ambiguous. If they can't take a hint at that they never will, even if you say they are too fat. They'll still come back and either argue it or call you all sorts of names to make themselves feel better.
Take it for what it's worth. I'm merely trying to offer a helpful suggestion from the other side, and from someone who's had good luck so far with responses and a lack of harrassing emails, which I think is mostly based on how I present myself in the emails. I get a lot of emails back saying "thanks for the response and letting me know your position and if you ever want to chat let me know". We POF'ers who are here for real need to band together and help each other out. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/3/2008 11:26:08 PM | Lyndee,
Let me make a suggestion here, and this ties in to all the other women who read/delete or unread/block users. In that email where you tell them "thanks but no thanks and that you really don't have time to be adding more friends that you don't intend to date" that you have been continuously harrassed by some after you've said no. Tell them you are not interested in bartering your position on the matter and wish to just let the conversation end there but if you get attacked or bombarded by email or IM on the subject you will block the user. Good luck to you and yours.
This states your intention without being rude. So if they get blocked by you after sending you more emails they know why they were blocked. I would change your approach Lyndee because I can see why guys would want to respond back to that. I'm 28 and let's say I saw your profile and thought we were a good fit personality and lifestyle-wise but your age range was set at 19-27 I'd still message you and ask you to keep an open mind here and consider messaging me. If you sent me an email saying thanks but I don't date those over 27 I'd be inclined to write you back and say "you are really going to let the man of your dreams slip between your fingers over a lousy 365 days?! ;-)" Also, by saying you need to be very selective you are saying you are overly picky and they aren't good enough. People don't like to hear they aren't good enough. I know it's not our job to pad their ego's or make them feel better about themselves but if it's in the pursuit of sanity and non-harrassing emails then it is generally better to lie by omission. Leave out that part that tells them you think you are better than them or that you don't think they are good enough and just leave it ambiguous. If they can't take a hint at that they never will, even if you say they are too fat. They'll still come back and either argue it or call you all sorts of names to make themselves feel better.
Take it for what it's worth. I'm merely trying to offer a helpful suggestion from the other side, and from someone who's had good luck so far with responses and a lack of harrassing emails, which I think is mostly based on how I present myself in the emails. I get a lot of emails back saying "thanks for the response and letting me know your position and if you ever want to chat let me know". We POF'ers who are here for real need to band together and help each other out.
Deuce98, I solved my problem with mail filters. I'm going to respond to everyone that sends me a message. And, I am not going to receive anymore unwanted first time messages. At least until I decide to change or remove one or more filters. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 12:06:24 AM | This seems to be one of those age old topics that keep creeping up (yet nobody 'votes' they are deleted, I am not a big fan of the whole deleting thing).
I have tried both ways, ignoring a generic message from somone, who if he had taken the time to read my profile would know we would not be a good fit, and responding to all messages.
Since I have been on these forums and see how hurt some people are over not getting a reply, I try harder.
I don't like to tell someone I am not interested as they should be able to gleen from my profile what I am interested in. But, seeing as people seem to like rejection, when they are the ones who sent out the first contact to someone they have nothing in common with, I try to reply with the utmost of consideration for their feelings.
My feelings of having to do this are not important I guess.
The internet is just that, a place that people can meet or not, just like on the street.
I can't imagine anyone liking someone approaching them on the street or at a store or what not who is obviously not someone they want to date for whatever reason and feeling the need to be 'polite' and respond with 'I am sorry I am not interested.'
The person could react in a way that you would not want to deal with.
I had a guy on here recently misconstrue everything I replied as I was busy when he sent messages. I replied in an expedient manner and with the same type of message he did.
That would be a short, non conversation starter message. He contacted me, his profile had little to comment on... where was the conversation? Mine has a lot to start a convo on, he first of all got pissy (not in a bad way) when I said, why don't you read my profile, I have to go to work. ttyl if you want.
He replied with the 'hurt'.. just trying to start a conversation, sorry to have bothered you bs.
I told him it was no bother, I wasn't able to reply in full and prefer he read my profile to answer his generic questions. I got an 'I'm sorry for the misundertanding, good luck in your search' message after that. No biggie, so I replied in kind, wishing him well on his search, figuring he and I were not on the same page and he had moved on.
THEN, he sends a nasty email which ended in 'hope you have good luck on your vendetta'.
That is the reason some people do not like to reply to others who send messages.
It really made me feel icky.
He was obviously not the same type of person as me, not that he was bad and I didn't try to make him feel that way. But he got nasty and I did reply and pointed out the entire communications and my outlook and told him his last message was un called for.
Even though I took care in responding to him, he did not take care in replying to me when I pointed out his last message was totally uncalled for. Gain, my feelings were negated.
Is this what people on here want? I found it very sad.
I prefer a no reply if someone is not interetested over that. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 6:03:15 AM | | Like I said, I think a lot of guys get sick and tired of getting the no-reply and get frustrated and then when someone finally DOES reply they probably get their hopes up only to get a reply but not a positive one and then feel the need to lash out. It's likely a vicious circle perpetuated by this behaviour in the first place. But either way kariharte I think you went above and beyond with this one guy. I wouldn't have messaged him beyond the second email saying "I told you I wasn't interested politely but you want to argue with me and not to make your case so I will not be reading or replying to your mail in the future". | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 6:33:11 AM |
Like I said, I think a lot of guys get sick and tired of getting the no-reply and get frustrated and then when someone finally DOES reply they probably get their hopes up only to get a reply but not a positive one and then feel the need to lash out.
So...... we are damned if we do - reply with a polite no thank you and damned if we don't - read/delete. Pray tell, what would you suggest? I am not responsible for someone getting their hopes up and I should not be the target of a person who feels the "need to lash out". I am also under no obligation to put in a disclaimer that says I will not read/reply to/will be blocking a user who argues/is not nice. This should be obvious. Why is the burden on the person who took the time to answer the email politely? Why do I have to be the polite police? If you (and I mean in general not the poster) are the type person who as you stated feels the need to lash out perhaps this whole interacting with others thing is not for you.
My thoughts for whatever they are worth.... | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 7:26:46 AM | spot4username,
Why is the burden on the person who took the time to answer the email politely? You just answered your question with a question here! You answered the email politely. That is enough. If the guy answers back you block him. I mentioned a few suggestions to make things CRYSTAL F'N CLEAR to some of these retards that insist on being jack-offs to others because they can't take non-criticism. I send a lot of messages out there commenting on profiles and forum posts and a lot of them get read/delete and THAT pisses me off because it's me being nice and either complimenting them on a good argument or the way they carry themselves or stand up for their beliefs or thoughts in here, or to say I liked their profile and what are their thoughts on something. And to get not even a minimal response is an insult. If I was messaging others about getting to know them or dating and I didn't fit the bill as described in their profile I should expect to get no response. She clearly stated in her profile what it is she wants and doesn't want! If I'm too stupid to read it then I shouldn't get a resp0nse back. But I think we all owe it to each other to at least make that initial response back. After that what you do is up to you. I merely offered some suggestions that would make the other party have to deal with it or move on. There are effective ways of communicating any message to any person. It's all in the delivery and the art of conversation seems to be beyond dead here at the best of times. I've never met so many people that are incapable of carrying a conversation, even on IM or email, in my life as I have on here! In real life I can see people getting nervous and clamming up and not knowing what to say. But on here you can respond at will. But some ask to chat and then offer no substance. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:00:58 PM | Deuce, I think you just don't get it. You're not a female on POF so you have no idea how it is. We have all explained how it is when we do and do not repond. It's not gonna change and I am not about to go out of MY way to respond UNLTRA politely to someone who took 4 seconds out of their life to ask if i am interested. Because those are the ones that fly off the handle!
The men who take the time and write a well thought out email are the ones I send a Thanks but No thanks to if I am not interested. And those are the guys that accept it and say "thanks, good luck" or whatever. It's the freaks that write "how r u" and thats it that get all nasty when they get a rejection, no matter what form it takes.
BLAH! | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:07:26 PM | | When I first joing POF I responded to everything I received......but my 'thanks but no thanks' replies were responded to so many times with rude and extremely abusive emails that I stopped doing it. Sad but true... | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:23:42 PM | but my 'thanks but no thanks' replies were responded to so many times with rude and extremely abusive emails that I stopped doing it. Sad but true...
All a woman needs to do is block a man after she rejects him to prevent any possible rude emails. | |
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| what's wrong with saying thanks but no thanks
Posted: 2/4/2008 1:53:07 PM | Metalvixxn, I do hear what you and the rest of the women here are saying and I feel for you ladies. But I can't tell you how many bloody emails I send out to make comments or ask a question, or even as first contacts to try and get to know someone, only to get a read/delete. It's frustrating when I put the effort and time and thought into the emails as these women are ALL demanding in their profiles! I'm not saying I'm a match to all or any of them. I'm not going to email someone I don't think I'd have anything in common with and who is looking for a 6'2" dude with a beach body and a house in the Hampton's. I don't measure up that way. But if I've taken the time to be respectable and thoughtful and funny and added some originality to it and NOT tried to jump down anyone's throat or into their pants and they read it I expect at the very least a sorry, not interested or thanks but no thanks. I won't reply back after. I'm moving on. I don't have time or the will to sit around and wait for a stranger to email me back. I send it out, and if it comes back it comes back. But it sure would be nice to get at the very least an acknowledgement.
You said you wouldn't go out of your way to be ultra polite to someone who spent four seconds writing you an email, but my emails are obviously more thought out than a four second whack job. I think you can tell pretty quickly if the email is a waste of your time or it's a booty call when you open it up right away. I don't type in txt, or use words like baby, doll, or comment on their appearance. That's not my style. It sucks that these azzholes are ruining it for the guys who have that respect women command and are willing to make the effort. So if you open an email and there is some ACTUAL content to it do you respond either way? Or do you still delete some emails without a response even if they are a paragraph or two or more and ask you questions that aren't generic and too personal? | |
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