| | Question concerning abusive relationshipsPage 6 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | | abusive men are usually very charming, sweet, and attentive.... they pay attention to every word you speak to them and no matter what happens you're the most important thing in the world to them. but that all changes once your spouse has a bad day or someone on the street has pissed him off, then all hell breaks loose. and you go back to them because they have broken your spirit so much that you think u can't do any better than them. any and everything about you doesn't exist anymore. he's your entire life, and u make excuses because u feel like he pays all the bills and the least you could do is make him happy. and by making him happy it means u keep the house clean, and if the house isn't clean then u feel like u deserve to be punished for not doing something so simple. most ppl don't understand if they haven't been in that situation and its not that easy too leave. if all u know is ur husband and u have no job, what else can u do? BUT THE THING THAT MAKES A WOMAN STAY IS FEAR!!!! fear of her husband,fear of not knowing how she will survive and take care of the kids. being with someone else isn't a factor until someone else comes along. and please remember there is more than 1 kind of abuse. u have emotional and verbal as well as physical. so don't judge a person if u know someone in that situation, support them as much as possible. don't make them feel any worse about themselves than need be. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 6:26:14 AM | i think i keep finding them because i like agressive men
im attracted to the fighting and such, dont know why though.
I used to box when i was a teenager and met alot of guys at the gym
and that's who i started dating.
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OK that's what I was looking for.I've heard about women who enjoy the agressive,angry type and this has never made a lick of sense to me.The fact that you're a boxer and you grew up around it explains much,thanks Acasha.I've heard other woman say that's what they're attracted to and you're the first to give me insight on why.Anyone else like this?I'm curious to know how you grew up if you are. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 7:49:03 AM | Taurus I really didn't see how Acasha gave any insight into why she's attracted to aggression. In fact she adds that she doesn't know why she's attracted to them.
I don't see the connection between boxing as a teenager and being willing to put up with being abused. Some of the women here explained issues with low self-esteem or having grown up in that environment so I'm wondering if she is similar to that situation. I would also like to know more about her childhood.
Thus far the respondents to this thread have mainly been women who have gained insight from their experience. Acasha is only 24 years old. Ideally she will find her own insight before accepting it as the norm, having children and being subjected to years of abuse.
Maybe we are approaching domestic abuse from the wrong angle by being reactive to situations that have already happened. We probably should be teaching children about realistic expectations in relationships. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 8:46:53 AM | | Abusers control others. As control freaks, they are great manipulators, coming off really nice at the beginning, but there is a catch: Even if they show up as really nice at the beginning, the first sign that they are control freaks and that they will eventually abuse you is their insistence to either call you all the time, or while trying to date you being overly insistent in going out with you. Women like men with masculinity in them, so it is inevitable that some of these abusers are very masculine men as well and know how to chat it up with women. What is disturbing, however, is that, even after seeing the abuser, many women decide to stay and go back and forth with him. They can't get out because they are trapped and unable to dump the abuser and his abuse. Also, some women watch too many soap operas and think they can change an abuser with love and themselves. Guess what, you are WRONG. LEAVE HIM! | |
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j-mix
| | Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 130 | |
| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 8:56:35 AM |
bambi75: When i met my Ex husband, he was the nicest guy i had ever known. So i thought! A few years into the marriage, he came home drunk one night, got pissed because i would not "give it up" and thought he could get physical with me. WRONG! It took one time for him to try and he NEVER did it again. I was not and will not EVER stand for that! Needless to say, he got emotionally abusive but when you realize what's going on, you have one of two choices to make- Stay and be a doormat or leave and let him be alone. His divorce papers arrived soon after and now he has a new wife that he does this to.
Let me say that i not only divorced him for that reason alone- other things contributed
why he tried to get physical with you?
didn't you have sex with him for a long time, did you?
p.s. it is good when you are self sufficient and can divorce your husband…not all women can do it. | |
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j-mix
| | Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 131 | |
| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 9:00:43 AM | juanchito26: so it is inevitable that some of these abusers are very masculine men
 What a bull! Actually strong people do not need to dominate, so it is actually opposite. May be you had bad experience with particular man like you describe, but this is not the system.
All dictators was small and short, remember? ;-)
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 6:19:30 PM | I don't see the connection between boxing as a teenager and being willing to put up with being abused. Some of the women here explained issues with low self-esteem or having grown up in that environment so I'm wondering if she is similar to that situation. I would also like to know more about her childhood.
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Although she didn't go into detail about her growning up,I think she did give me some insight on the attraction some people have an angry type of relationship.You're right about the fact that just because a teenager boxes,they aren't necessarily set up for abuse,however,I've known a few boxers in my time,most of them have told me that boxing to them was an outlet for their frustrations growning up in a home with lots of yelling and fighting.The ones I know said they had an overbearing,violent tempered father and there was alot of yelling and fighting in their house.In an environment like that I think I can see how the passion/sex urge can become entangled particularly in women,as women are more holistic than men.
I'm sure not all women who were/are victims of domestic abuse are the types whos passions are fueled by anger.That whole scene baffles the hell out of me.My ex was like that,didn't understand why I wasn't interested in passionate lovemaking after a screaming match. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/20/2005 7:32:46 PM | If you can answer Yes to more than one of the following questions, then you are in an abusive relationship:
Does the person you love:
Constantly keep track of your time?
Act jealous and possessive?
Accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting? Have affairs of their own?
Discourage your relationships with friends and family?
Prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
Constantly criticize or belittle you?
Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable
cooperative budgeting excepted.)
Humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
Destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
Threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
Push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
Force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?
By the way, based upon my last relationship, I scored 7 out of 12. Walked away and never looked back. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 1:51:11 AM | edgerunner2005, I agree with your statement. Abusers are not 'strong'. They are, what I read, tough fragiles. Maybe it is like a soap opera acting, they 'appear' tough and in charge, but in fact, they are very weak and can't even face that reality. My near miss experience was like that, anyway. But he was never physcally violent - apart from that time when he punched the top of my car.... (grrrrr, don't mess up with my car!) over a silly argument. Funny, I didn't make anything out of it at that point. He was very frustrating passive aggressive (confirmed also by his own recount of his history).
Taurus, I think that you might want to find an explanation to the 'bond' that we might create with these type of individuals. Personally, I did find it sexually arousing at a very primal level (maybe the reptilic brain takes over?). But then again, my glue to that man was mostly through the sexual facet. Somehow I managed never to progress to a major commitment where practical issues could have been jeopardised. My experience is that, I met him when I was 'bored', he was totally the opposite to what I knew (challenge, excitment). I can't contribute much past that point. Maybe the victims (I also read Hare's book in my forensic psychology class, many years ago) don't fit any pre determined model.
Stay safe
Trix
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:21:51 PM | Personally, I did find it sexually arousing at a very primal level (maybe the reptilic brain takes over?). But then again, my glue to that man was mostly through the sexual facet. Somehow I managed never to progress to a major commitment where practical issues could have been jeopardised. My experience is that, I met him when I was 'bored', he was totally the opposite to what I knew (challenge, excitment).
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You may have something there.My ex and I were watching an episode of Moonlighting.In the episode Bruce Willis was having a knock down drag out fight with Cybil Sheperd.At the climax of the fight,the most volatile moment,Willis scoops Sheperd up in her arms and they passionately kiss.The scene then suggested that they had sex.My ex said this scenario was a big turn on to her.That her previous b/f and her used to do that all the time.I told her before,during or after a fight,sex is the last thing I'm interested in.
The primal thing makes sense.Animals often engage in combat during mating,sometimes with a rival male,other times with each other.Cats are very violent when they mate.
Guess that's why the ex lost interest in me.It's OK,I lost interest in her too.Her loss. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:27:40 PM | I know what you're saying mamatiger~~I actually had an abortion because I could not imagine bringing a child into the type of relationship I was in.. It was sooo hard, but at the same time, it was very easy, if you know what I mean... Because, that's a permanent tie as well as 1 more person to be abused.. My abusive ex has not known where I'm at since 1987, yet continued to call my parents yearly to find out "about me".... He told them that he never remarried, would always love me, and never had children---surprise, surprise, huh>?
I'm so glad I got away from him completely~~~ | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:36:37 PM | They were probably hot looking guys.
After all......why would any Woman go for the "nice guy" when she can have a "real Man hottie" to throw her around?
Looks.....after all.....are the only thing that really matters!
I mean come on......a cute but boring Tom Hanks lookalike that works as a library aid.....or a Kid Rock wannabe working construction who has "that edge".....and temper.....and drinking problem?????????
You all do the math! | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:39:03 PM | They were probably hot looking guys.
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Not always.I've known some hot looking women with some ugly a ss abusive guys that just made me shake my head and say "WTF"... | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/21/2005 12:57:03 PM | | He was okay looking, but nowhere close to the "best" looking guy I'd ever gone out with.. He was, however, my first "love" ((and I was only 18))>>> I believe he falls into the narcissistic, sociopathic, etc, category we talked about on another thread. He drew me in, and that was the end of it.. He could be a real charmer when he wanted or needed to, otherwise, watch out---- | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/22/2005 11:18:28 PM | | I was with someone very abusive. I tried to kick him to the curb often but he was mentally defective (not an exaggeration-he did end up on meds and in the psyche ward) and well it was easier to go along with it. That was what started the cycle. He was also good at being charming and id belive him for a while. I was just lonely and enjoyed the good times, I thought they balanced out the bad. If i were to do it again though id change my mind. | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 12/22/2005 11:29:28 PM | Hey jenn....
Sorry to hear about that.....
A lot of us were posting stuff about the guys who could actually know what they were doing was wrong....
I think we may have neglected some of the other stuff that is out there.....
At least you know he IS wrong to have done all of that to you?
I am sorry about all of what you have been through...... | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/5/2006 10:35:49 PM | | It is NOT a Karla thing!Men who abuse woman do it knowingly as some kind of control.Women stay with them because their maternal instincts tell them that they can be saved and there is always hope(something we have been taught for a long time)These women really think that they love their man and that the abuse will stop wether it be emotional or physical.Men abuse women knowing that they will put up with it if nothing is done to rectify the situation.Some men who abuse women will always abuse them,not because of anything in particular,they just don`t go away.They are full of promises and lies but the women stay because they LOVE the guy..or maybe they are afraid to leave because of more abuse down the road..FOR LEAVING.Men can make life hell for a woman,who choses to leave,by calling,sending the police to their doors(making 911 calls that there is an emergency at such and such address)sending unwanted items such as flowers,Christmas gifts,NOTES,even money.All women are not claiming to be victims,like Ms.Homolka..Just as ALL men are not abusers.There are some valid reasons for staying with an abuser.If he is violent..for example..she leaves and he kills her..now wasn`t that worth it?No mommy for the kids and Mr. abuser is out of jail in 5 years.(or less)oops..a bit of a domestic..but hey he didn`t plan it so it is not murder.Women can abuse men also..maybe Karla was the abuser?and dear old Paul was just following orders.It is a crazy whacked out world out there.Lots of things can be LABELLED abuse but is it really?if i called some guy an a$$hole..He could claim i am abusive..if you are that tender,my dear..don`t play with the big dogs!You can`t tell who is an abuser ,I think,personally that an abusive person is one who TRICKS you to fall in ove..by saying everything you want to hear and then changes gradually into the monster they really are..and by this time .it is too late ,You are in the cycle..of "sorry it won`t happen again,but it always does.Sometimes if you look really hard there can be valid reasons for staying with an abuser.It takes alot of strength to leave,especially if it has been a long relationship.No one really wants to face life alone with a couple of kids and all the hardships that WILL occur..I suppose that is where the .."we will stay together for the kids"line comes in.You sound a bit women hostile ..and seem to think that women have poor self esteem..and that is why they stay.It is alot of the men in the world..and in different cultures..that give women the LOW SELF ESTEEM..Fat a$$es..I think NOT! | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/5/2006 10:50:11 PM | I think to get away from that "cycle of abuse" you have to get away---completely away from that person, and learn to really look inside of yourself to find out why you tolerate something like that. It's definately not easy, but I think it's necessary. Learn to love yourself and you'll never need another abusive person again~~~~ I swear~~~ | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/6/2006 12:32:25 AM | Justanotherphoenix, you wrote:
"I think,personally that an abusive person is one who TRICKS you to fall in ove..by saying everything you want to hear and then changes gradually into the monster they really are..and by this time .it is too late ,You are in the cycle..of "sorry it won`t happen again,but it always does.Sometimes if you look really hard there can be valid reasons for staying with an abuser.It takes alot of strength to leave,especially if it has been a long relationship."
 Legend. That's probably the first sign anyone should consider, if someone tricks you to fall in love with them....
Great stuff.
Have fun in the new 2006!
Trix
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longte
| | Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 146 | |
| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/6/2006 1:51:20 AM | ""Sometimes if you look really hard there can be valid reasons for staying with an abuser.It takes alot of strength to leave,especially if it has been a long relationship."
Now are these really "Valid Reasons" or do they just appear to be valid at the time?
It seems most perceptions get put into a different perspective in abusive relationships
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/6/2006 10:11:49 AM | | I am not used to posting on forums..and i was reading what JustAnotherPhoenix wrote..and i posted my comment and it somehow ended up in JustAnotherPhoenix`s post..not sure what i did wrong..but he did not write that.I did..blacktransam359..sorry for posting it in the wrong place but htanks for the comment~!BlackTransAm | |
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| Question concerning abusive relationships
Posted: 1/8/2006 2:06:35 AM | Longte,
Very valid point. Perceptions become reality, and that's what the abused partner is dealing with, his or her reality.
Apparently, under traumatic circumstances, the brain changes its chemical composition (flight/fight sort of thing). It takes only 2 weeks of steady traumatic events to alter that chemical (in)balance, in a quasi permanent basis, and a lot of time to take it back to 'normal' once the person (brain's abused owner) is removed from the trauma - abuse in this case. Wow!
Another research, allegedly shows that it is easier to recover from abuse when the abuse it is a strong, but singular, episode than when the abuse is endured in smaller dosis but over a longer period of time. (what happens when it is strong and prolonged?!!!) More Wow! That would explain why it is harder to break up from abuse if the relationship has been longer? I don't quite know, but I assume that there's an element of adaptation and surrender in these cases (kind of the frog in hot water joke).
Why some people just disengage as soon as they see something 'strange' while others remain in the situation longer?
Have fun
Trix
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