Garf
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Joined: 4/4/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 12:34:56 PM | I asked an ex if she was pregnant..."nope. Just fat." ok...embarassing...
I went to visit some old coworkers at a restaurant I used to work at, and cheerfully asked where one of them was..."he died"...oh. So who's car did I just cover in whipped cream? "His widow. Go clean it!"
Too late, I ran. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:09:02 PM | | When I was 15 I helped make the hamburgers for the 4th of july and my friend kenny way there... Well towards the end of the night he started being a****and said " I don't want to touch anything you made" And he started to take a bite of his burger and I said "Hey Kenny I had my hands all over your MEAT" It was Horrible!!! | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:14:12 PM | Afew years ago me and one of my best male friends were out with an acquaintance having ice cream. My friend is an airline pilot and we were talking about him flying airplanes. For some reason I had made a comment during our conversation stating "Ooh, can I come in your****it?" Within seconds I realized how that sounded and we are started laughing uncontrolably.  | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:32:39 PM | | A few times i have blurted out the blind leading the blind in certain cases.. public or out loud.. usually the finger works too.. screw using a horn it only makes people want to slow down in front of you.. Old people have the best come backs. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:20:08 PM | "Never ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her."
OK..and not even then!!!!!....While coming home from school on the city bus, I remember once giving my bus seat up to a pregnant woman…she thanked me profusely UNTIL we got off at the stop and I asked her how far along she was.......OH DEAR GOD, seriously if looks could kill I’d be dead right now….
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 6/3/2006 7:56:42 PM | Yesterday, a guy posted in a thread asking for help on an issue with Instant Messenger. A kind person graciously replied, asking a question to clarify the problem and told the guy having trouble that the IM function was an off-site entity and that entity might be having some problems.
The guy with problems basically ranted and raved about not getting a good enough answer. He then said, "I know you are just a volunteer Mod, but........"
Then he ended the post with these two icons:
 
The gracious individual was Big Fish himself!
(who of course explained very professionally that he was only seeking further details).
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 6/7/2006 4:31:35 PM | I was having lunch with a gay friend the other day....we were taking bloody marys. He said that one morning he needed one desperately but was on his way to court and couldn't chance it....so he mixed a virgin mary....said that since he couldn't taste the vodka anyway, he felt the same effect......asked me 'Isn't that a LIBIDO effect?"
He was so embarrassed when I pointed out his faux pas!!! | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:15:49 PM | | Oh lord, what is up with the pedofIle jam. I sure hope i havent been misunderstood. I married my parents means i only trusted them and turned my back on the world. I am not reaching out for help. If velvet aint the hammer to ride i am gonna freak out. I came on site cuzz im a recluse. I have a few meanies on my arse as of now.Im not trusting at this or any point. The picture is not clear. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:21:15 PM | I began working for an newly erected establishment some miles away from my employer. His name was Richard. He told me he would send someone over with yard grooming equipment…I should find some help and see about getting things cleaned. So…up the driveway comes a gal in a pick-up loaded with yard tools. I mean loaded.
As she got out of the truck, I said…”OMG…are those all D**ck's. She replied…as she was getting back in the truck to make her escape…”NO, you jerk…they are rakes”.
I got the rest of the day off. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/4/2009 8:09:40 PM | I used to work in a busy truck stop. There was a long counter with stools, and then the kitchen "window" that we spoke to the cooks thru, as we picked up our food. Its quite noisy in the kitchen. I was working behind the counter one day, and needed to clarify an order of brown toast, with no butter. As I leaned over and yelled thru the window...
"JUST GIVE IT TO ME DRY!!!!"
the entire counter of truckers sitting behind me ,burst into laughter. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/5/2009 4:53:23 PM | Me, my mother, my sisters and a family friend went on a camping trip. As we were driving towards to the camp site, and my sister spotted a sign that was advertising Shrimp Coktails.
She asked, "Mom, what's a shrimp Coktail?"
Mom said, "It's kind of like a shrimp ring, only in a fancy glass."
To that my sister replied: I LOVE shrimp coktails. I'm a cok-o-holic.
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The same sister was in her sex ed class in grade four, and the teacher was talking about oral sex and how you can contract certain diseases from it..
My sister said: How can you get a disease from talking about sex?
Kids say the darndest things! | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/5/2009 6:19:15 PM | | This girl was hitting on my cousin at the bar, they were talkin a while and at some point I hear her say "I've got an I.E.D" and he said "Don't set it off in here". | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/9/2009 10:41:35 PM | some things you say and wish you could take back. i'm in the guard and you can imagine the humor that can come from the military. anyway, i have sinus problems daily and use a neck massager on my nose to help me sneeze. usually this works well....but if i've forgotten it i use a toothpick instead.
well........on a sour note i was robbed several years ago. naturally that came up in conversation one drill weekend. i was running down the list of things that were stolen and just happened to mention that they also took my vibrator.
i still get ragged about that today 8 years later. lol | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/9/2009 10:59:42 PM | Yeah I frequently suffer from "hoof in mouth" disease.
Here is one of my best ones...
"Wow, you look like death!", when they were diagnosed with cancer that week. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:43:48 AM | when i was a kid there was a out break of lice in a couple of elementy schools in the town where i lived so a nurse came to each school to check kids heads for lice and it was our class's turn.
the nurse told us what lice was and that it was contagious and that we would need to take a few days off school if we had it . then asked the class if anyone had any questions?
i spoke up and said " will u let us know if we have it?" and the room roared with laughter.
i felt sooooo stupid | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:51:46 AM | i tend to think i have computer problems all the time, why? cuz im an idiot when it comes to oporating a computer, all the "i.t" guys know me where i work cuz there allways fixing somthing for me and im sure i became a legend after this insident.....
wile working from home a web page kept freezing up so i called i.t and asked for some advice.
the i.t. guy said " lets get u fixed up, first i need to know know what kind of oporating system u have?"
i said... huh..electrisity, yeah its huh pluged into the wall here......then i herd a long pause (like was he joking?) and was put on hold, untill the laughter stoped. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 6:56:51 AM | at a restraunt i had a date that was real realy embarrased by a waiter......i like voluptious women and was with one on a date and the waiter came up to take our drink order and i said i would like a coke, and my date ordered a coke too and the waiter said..diet coke?
then my date said well do u have sprite?
waiter said diet sprite?
then she asked what brands of rootbeer the restraunt had ....
and the waiter said huh, we dont have any diet rootbeer.
this guy was trying realy hard to put my girl on a diet that night!! | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 7:05:44 AM | i had an ex girl friend call me about 6 months after we had dated and she was realy realy serious on the phone and said we needed to talk in person and that she had just seen the doctor.
so im thinking holly shit, right?
i say "so whats wrong"
she says "i have cancer"
then i say, "oh thank god cuz i thought u were pregnate" | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 3/11/2009 7:14:56 AM | once i was introduced to a man named dr. brought and was told he was a "vet", because he was so old i asked....."wich war were u in?"
he shot me a look of death, and didnt answer, my friend chimed in with , "huh, no dr.brought is a animal doctor" ....."u know , a "vet" or vetrinarian"....
oh? right huh i was just kidding.
to this day that guy still doznt like me.... hes probley a draft dodger anyway! | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/1/2009 4:25:26 PM | We have a foosball table in our break room and there's a group of guys that play everyday during lunch from 12:30 - 1:00. Yes, they're friends so glad they got a kick out of me asking if they liked playing w/their blue balls rather than the red ones!
Laughter at my expense.....and as far as red goes..yeah, that was my face as I CRAWLED out of the break room. | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/2/2009 10:33:33 AM | | My exwife and I were sound asleep and the phone began to ring ... after I woke up enough to count, the phone rang 8 more times (we didn't have an answering machine). I waited for her to wake up and answer because it was NEVER for me, but she slept through it. Finally after the 8th ring after I woke up I picked up the phone and said "someone better be dead" .. I will NEVER say that again because my oldest step daughter (both of which I still like very much) said "he is" ... a friend of hers had just had a car wreck and gotten killed ..... I suck..... | |
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| “Insert Foot in mouth” confessions
Posted: 9/2/2009 11:47:54 AM | Ok, I made a great friend in college while I was pregnant with my son and she knew that if for some reason I didn't show up for a class we had together some night, to call the hospital I was delivering in. So naturally, my water broke AT SCHOOL to boot on Monday, our class was Tuesday. I hadn't gotten any calls made and so she called the hospital while I was in the OR having an emergency c-section. My son's father was in the room waiting (only my mom was allowed in the OR with me) and the phone rang. Background is that his ex had stalked us both since he'd dumped her for me and she'd really been up in our business about the baby.
So my friend called and he answered, thought it was his ex and flipped out on her. He yelled at my friend that I did NOT want her to come anywhere near the hospital, to leave me alone and just stop acting like such a child. Mind you, my friend was sitting in our class and the rest of the class waiting to hear the news and she broke out crying after he hung up on her.
I called her the next morning and she told me everything and I had to tell her the truth of the situation. To this day she still teases him about hating on her and it's an ongoing joke. He still turns red when we josh him about it too.
As for things *I* have said... well I worked at Sonic as a carhop for a few years. When I was prego, I was put on light duty, so not allowed to "hop" outside a lot. I was working the bagging area during lunch one day and really feeling ****y. I kept yelling at the cooks for things and in a matter of 2hrs I got teased for asking for them to "give me my f*ing meat", asking "what the hell is wrong with your weiners?!" and demanding they "just f*ing hurry up and give it to me!" a few times.
I have always had a bit of "foot in mouth" disease that tends to sneak up on me at the worst moments. | |
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