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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/17/2005 2:23:26 PM | I am not sure if I could forgive. Unless I can trust them again completely I don't think they are forgiven. It depends on how they cheated, and their reaction.
HOW THEY CHEATED
A. First degree cheating. They planned to do it. Then followed through with the plan. No chance for this type.
B. Skipping right to third degree cheating. Short, unplanned drunken kiss on the mouth with a stranger at a party. Possible.
REACTION TO CHEATING
A. They blame you, say you drove them to it, and don't acknowledge their mistake. Odds are they will do it again once they feel you are to blame again. No chance again.
B. They are devastated, completely blame themselves and realize it was wrong. Possible.
For me personally, if either A is involved, no chance of forgiving. But if its a BB scenario, then I would say yes it is possible to forgive....... Feel like im discussing genetics here. Instead of x's and y's it is a's and b's | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/17/2005 2:28:01 PM | I agree, wolfboy.
I have always said that I could forgive a drunken one night stand a lot easier than an ongoing affair.
Then again, I haven't put that into practice yet. I've dumped any man who cheated on me, but it just so happens that I've always been cheated on with an ex of theirs. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/17/2005 3:12:02 PM | | My ex husband cheated on me. I've forgiven him. It certainly does not mean I want him back in my life. I'd never take back a cheater. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:08:36 PM | The way i seen it is if someone cheats on your and you forgive them... then they know they can get away with it..... if someone cheats on you... cut the releationship off right there... life it to short to have someone in your life making a fool out of themselves and you along with it.... enough pain in this world and no need having somone in your life that is going to create more problems.... peace of mind is everything  | |
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Tinkle
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Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 56 | |
| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/25/2005 3:20:45 AM | """"""""""""NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
AND
No""""""""""""""
Dat mean yes right? /wa-wa peddle porno music, gettin freaky now...... | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:00:43 AM | Nope! I've been cheated on so many times. It hurts like hell and I dont stand for it. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I think im just attracted to the wrong guys. 
I hope you have much better luck next time! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:23:54 AM | well, i can't really say if i can forgive a cheating girlfriend/wife or even forget it, but it does depend on the circumstances.
If you work too much and spend less and less time with your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, that more often then not ends up in them cheating, hopefully after them repeatedly trying to get you to spend more time with them, but if you are in this situation, you can only blame yourself for working more then you needed to.
That could happen to both men and women
You could be a good friend to someone and their husband/wife could be verbally/phsyically abusive and stuff like that and he/she cheats with you, does that mean, he/she will cheat on you too? i don't think so. (you tell me)
I do agree if your loved ones cheat for the thrill of it, then it becomes bad and totally unforgiveable and even more unforgetable and the more it happens, the less you trust and the more you expect it.
In the end, its all down to the circumstances though.
Just so you know, this is just my opinion. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:27:49 AM | I believe that cheating is the ultimate deal breaker. The trust that is destroyed by this one act of emotional treason is a hurdle I just can't see myself overcoming.
I would worry that this wasn't the first time. Every time he would be away for extended periods, I would question whether he was having another affair. I just can't open my heart to a man I can't trust. I could forgive, but I would never forget. The rift would be too serious to continue on with it. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:52:36 AM | | Nope! That is the one line you do not ever cross with me and then come back. I've been cheated on a couple times and that was the end right then and there. I want absolutely NOTHING to do with a cheater! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 1:22:27 AM | LOL OTB, you crack me up.
But I disagree with being to blame in some instances. Some people cheat because they're just morally corrupt. I can understand straying if your needs aren't being met, but come on, then you should do the right thing and fix it or walk, INSTEAD of betraying a loved one.
I can forgive, but it would depend on the circumstances... would I still stay with him though? No, I could never trust him again. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:56:42 AM | One Anecdote that fits this thread:
A close couple that I knew had a crisis of this type. The wife called my wife and I years ago (10+) to tell how her husband had "cheated" and now he was so devastated that he had come home and packed his things and walked out, leaving his wife and two kids. So, I went to talk to him. "What happened? And why are you leaving?"
He had been working in the rigs up north, away from his family for months at a time. In the crews was this rather attractive woman (a cook I think) ... the only woman in the entire camp. She took a liking to him, and he was flirty with her, but never meant anything by it. One night, one thing lead to another, and he woke up in the morning realizing what had happened. (My memory is too poor to recall if alcohol was involved.)
Immediately, he quit his job and headed home. He was distraught. He got there, told his wife what had happened, did not even ask for forgiveness or another chance, because as he put it, he would not have given her one, and started packing his things. That is about when his wife called us.
Over the next several days I spoke to both of them, as did my wife (that is, she was my wife at the time; we have since split for non-cheating related reasons). It was very hard on his wife, and I see her pain echoed in a lot of the stories in this thread and others. It was hard on him, too. Regardless of what a lot of people seem to think about cheaters, this man fully knew the mistake he had made and fully felt the depths of remorse for it. There were even moments when I seriously feared he might hurt himself, or worse.
Yet, after the initial shock and pain wore off enough for them to be rational (perhaps a week later), she told him that she wanted him back. There were a lot of discussions, a lot of apologies, and a lot of promises (and I have to say even one or two ultimatums), but eventually, they put things back together. He did not return to his job and instead found something that paid less but was much closer to home.
That was well over 10 years ago. They are still together. Their children are grown now. To the best of my knowledge nothing like that has ever happened again. I think it was about 2 or 3 years after that I asked him about it. He said they never really spoke about it much after that initial period. She never even brought it up when they fought. She forgave him, and while no one ever truly forgets something like that, she at least did not use it as some kind of ammunition in their relationship.
Ultimately I think this kind of "B-B" situation (as wolfboy put it) is very rare. Most people see only the situations where the cheating is premeditated and has no mitigating factors. There is blame passed around "if you were not so XYZ, then I would not have had to cheat." There is the latent fear that the cheater will do it again, and they are craftier this time because they know what they did wrong last time. Suspicion grows like a cancer in the relationship, until finally it is a blessing that it ends.
But for all of those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater" I just needed to relate this one story. Perhaps it is the exception that proves the rule. Or perhaps, there are still some people out there who make a mistake yet are still worthy of a second chance.
Good Luck! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 4:29:23 AM | Gee whiz, what a conundrum. Recent stats say some 60% of men cheat and some 45% 0f women do. Let's ignore the homosexuals for now.
This means there is an unexplained 15% gap of non-cheating women to cheating men.
I racked my brain to explain this and think I got it.
Some 15% of women are actual whores, supplying a necessary service to guys who simply want an orgasm without getting told they forgot to take out the garbage, or it is their turn to take the kids to soccer or hockey. Or guys who never get the oral thing at home.
By actual count, the clients are middle-aged men 38 to 55 or so, married with children. If there is no emotional attachment, it is not much of a betrayal, unless you make it so.
I used to do deliveries - snack foods and such - to escort services and was amazed to find that a number of women there were married to guys on the military base and making some good money while hubby is overseas.
If the most important part of your marriage/relationship is sexual exclusivity, then dump the **stard or the ****. But sex does not constitute a relationship, and be advised you have more of the same coming with the next person (by actual odds), so adjusting your outlook might be smarter. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 4:46:21 AM | | Forgive would imply that they did something to wrong me in the first place. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:06:59 AM | | Having never had this done to me, I say no, I could not forgive. Then after having read msg62 by RFlagg it gave me pause. I guess I would have to honestly say that I would have to have it happen to me before I could give my heartfelt opinion. | |
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Ldygmr
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Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 66 | |
| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:07:00 AM | No. I cannot forgive cheating.
I am very hesitant to enter a monogomous relationship and even then am willing to allow my man a mistress if he will trust me to choose her for him. My man would have no reason to perpetrate deception such as what is associated with cheating save to be malicious. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:36:53 AM | absolutely not.
relationships that succeed are built on trust and
mutual respect. I didn't forgive nor will I forget,
if you want out, get out. pretty simple really. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 68 | |
| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:43:08 AM | ..
Gee whiz, what a conundrum. Recent stats say some 60% of men cheat and some 45% 0f women do.
Would you date someone who has cheated on a past lover?
Would you forgive them for cheating ?
.. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:49:40 AM | | i was accused of it twicw in my life and the actaulity is i never cheated once with no evidence!!so find out 100 percent if he cheated cause its not a nice feeling when one is accused and never did it!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:52:54 AM | | Forgive them, yes, stay with them, NO. Never been there and hope I never go there, but then, what is mine has to be ALL mine, I don't share well. I would never cheat either, I can't expect anything of a man that I don't expect of myself. I let it be known from the beginning that he has another woman even on his mind, I am gone, don't need that. There are too many men around to put up with that stuff. So he would be forgiven, lol, but not around me anymore. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:28:29 AM | Susan, I agree in part with your opinions. Much to my surprise, my ex cheated on me while we were separated due to work obligations. Without explaining boring details surrounding it, I never forgot, but I certainly did forgive. As for FULLY trusting her again after the fact, absolutely 100% and then some. She disclosed the affair and that in itself said a lot to me. It wasn't a scenario whereby I was so infatuated with her I'd forgive any wrong-doing. At the time, I knew without any doubt we truly loved each other, and I felt forgiveness was just one small way for me to show her how much I cared. If anything, I believe the incident created even a stonger bond between us. We were together nearly 4 years after the incident and it was never an issue between us. Our split was caused by circumstances totally unrelated.
In the same breath, in the event such a situation had come about a second time, we would have ceased as a couple at that very moment. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 72 | |
| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:52:41 AM | ..
my ex cheated on me while we were separated due to work obligations
Our split was caused by circumstances totally unrelated.
LMAOOOOOOO
.. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 11:45:47 AM | | You cant forgive a cheater...once a cheater always a cheater...i tried to forgive my ex for cheating but theres no use..they wont change and even if they do...you'll always be wondering if they have or are cheating again. its so not worth it...find someone better for you...someone who will love you and no other! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 11:55:13 AM | I say no
Chances are once they cheat they'll do it again.... there are a few that are genuinely sorry for what they've done and won't do it again buuuuut.....
IMO there's the door
Don't let it hit your butt on the way out :) | |
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