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chey18
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Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 1051 | |
| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:07:19 PM | I've been married, and I'm now divorced, my husband cheated on me.
You're question is can you forgive?
In my opinion, and this may be me, but my husband and I got married TOO young, and we both realize that, I was 18 he was 19, and we just simply put were NOT ready to be married, why did we do it, to this day neither one of us understands why we did it, spur of the moment thing I guess, but could I forgive him for cheating on me if we were to ever work our past and relationship out, I say yes, but I would NEVER forget, and he knows that!
We have a very adorable 1 year old son together and we had a happy marriage until people got in between it! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:22:35 PM | | My wife left the marriage and two wonderful daughters for a hot flash she met at work. I was a very good husband and now continue the path of a good father. I have our girls and she has her fling thing. I could never stop the feelings I have for her and yet I would never let her back into my life. I am tempted ,but am smart enough to know that it would never be the same again. It is a shame for I do miss her. I just would not be able to trust her ever again. I do not want to put myself through that nor her. So farewell to her and carry on. A broken heart is always broken,but the pain does fade. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:25:15 PM | | NO!-check the" decoding men's words book" (the dictionary)-it means no,not,negative,zip,nada,nein,nyet,the opposite of yes, the absence of a positive affirmation, and very,very unlikely!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2008 10:04:25 PM | | Recently in the been cheated on boat as well, the answer is no. No matter what your heart is telling you, listen to your mind on this one. The fact that someone tells you all the usual i love yous yet goes out and has to be with someone else shows they had great doubt in you and really didn't want to be with you anyway so let them go and move on, no matter how hard on the heart, do it for your mind. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2008 10:19:12 PM |
let them go and move on, no matter how hard on the heart, do it for your mind.
very good advice. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:00:33 PM | Just to play devil's advocate in all of this because I like to do that type of thing:
What if you were being neglectful toward your spouse of many years, you were going out all the time with your pals, working long hours at work, spending time with your children but not your spouse, and refused to listen to your spouse's requests to work on the marriage.
Then, what if your spouse felt unloved, slept with someone ONCE to feel wanted again by someone of the opposite sex, and then felt an incredible guilt over the whole thing and knew that they would never repeat that act.
All of this would presuppose that they told you about it....
But, under a situation like this, where your spouse did not want to leave because they did not want to split up the family, but you were not listening to their cries for affection, wouldn't you think that you just might forgive them?
Like I said, I'm playing devil's advocate because I don't agree when people say once a cheater, always a cheater...I don't believe either, as one poster said, that everyone cheats, but I believe that life can sometimes be difficult in coupledom and that these things occur without it being a repeat event...And not everyone has the luxury of just moving on without at least giving the other person another chance.
I feel alone in my opinions on this one and I wonder why that is? When I was young (like 15) I used to say the same thing as a lot of people: cheating is a deal breaker, but now I think the real reason I held that very strong opinion was that somehow that threat would keep my significant other in line....Now I'm older and see things a bit differently. For one thing, I wouldn't use threats to keep my significant other honest; instead, I would make sure that theywould know that I loved them so that they would have no reason to want to go stray. And if that person then cheated, I would listen to their reason why before moving on.
Isn't there anyone else out there who feels like I do? | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:22:50 PM | I'll repeat what some others have said. NO NO NO NO NO NO NEVER NO NOT A CHANCE NO FORGET IT NO IN YOUR DREAMS NO etc. etc.
When a person cheats they have violated the deepest of trusts. They have shown that they have absolutely no respect for anyone as a companion or a person. Maybe if a lot more people would put their spine in place and tell those who cheat how much of a piece of pond scum they are, the world would be a better place. Infidelity has become rampant in today's society. Too many people think only of themselves. There is NEVER a reason for cheating. I could care less for the excuses people use. This is an opinion of mine that will never change. I won't even date anyone who has cheated on someone in their past. I cannot use the language on here that I reserve for such low lives. They all make me sick with their feeble excuses as to why they did it. All they need to do is buck up and admit they have done one of the most cruel actions that can be done to another human being. I wish they would bring back the stocks so we could put them in the center of town and everyone could throw rotten fruit at them. And I'm being nice here. Oh, and yes, I have been the recipient of such behavior, but my opinion was the same beforehand. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:54:50 PM | You can forgive. Forgiving helps you heal and grow.
But can you ever get the trust back? I knew I couldn't so there was no point trying to make it work.
There is a song that really helped me to accept this: Flawed Design by Stabilo
Key Lyrics:
And ever since I figured out
That I could control other people
I've had trouble sleeping
With both eyes closed
And if I asked permission
If I make sure it's ok
I promise I won't slip up this time
You can trust me
But never take advice from someone
Who just admitted to being devious
Who just confessed to treason
'Cuz I lie
And if I could control it
Maybe I could leave it all behind
Yeah, I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is all a part of my
Flawed design | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:23:30 PM |
Then, what if your spouse felt unloved, slept with someone ONCE to feel wanted again by someone of the opposite sex, and then felt an incredible guilt over the whole thing and knew that they would never repeat that act.
Just an excuse. Answer is no.
When I was young (like 15) I used to say the same thing as a lot of people: cheating is a deal breaker, but now I think the real reason I held that very strong opinion was that somehow that threat would keep my significant other in line....Now I'm older and see things a bit differently
Now that I'm older, and wiser, I can guarantee you, it is in no way a threat. I've BEEN there, will never give someone a second chance again. Just like I told my ex husband, you wanted to have sex with other women, now you can all you want without me caring!!!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 9:21:07 PM | | STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! You are totally right!! "Once a cheater, always a cheater!" And that works both ways. One of my biggest regrets in my marriage was that I told him to get lost.. but I didn't tell him to stay lost!! It was the 3rd year of our marriage... at least that's when he got caught. I never, ever trusted him, again... no matter how hard I tried. There was a rift that could never be healed. AND.. rightfully so, since he never quit cheating. I was thankful when I finally, after 15 years of marriage, felt I had a "legitimate" reason to get out and stay out!!! Best thing I ever did!!! (I had pressure from family NOT to leave. "Family" are not always looking out for our best interests ... more like THEIR best interests!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/16/2008 11:23:23 PM | No. A leopard doesn't change his spots, only the way it hunts.
A cheater would NEVER get a second chance with me.
Forgive ??? Yeah.
Forget ??? Never. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:13:08 AM | | I've been cheated on and learned that I can not forgive. I don't think it's worth the time because you end up bitter... so it's better just to let go. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:23:15 AM | | My thoughts for cheating in a relationship, well I would have to say if they really mean it and show it then give them another chance but if they don't mean it then kick them to curb. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 1:03:53 AM | | What's the point in trying to make things work with a perpetual cheater? It's just like Dr.Phil says "the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour" If they do it to you once then chances are that they'll do it again. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:49:54 PM | no.
when i was younger, yes because all i really wanted is to get back in the sack, but now i expect my partner to be far more honest, upfront, direct, mature and responsible. cheating obliterates all of that and once thats gone thats it. i suppose i could force myself to stay together for a year or 2 to see if anything comes back if kids and other factors were involved, but even that is unlikely to have a sucessfull outcome as i would always wonder if it happened once whats to prevent it from happening again ? | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 1:16:48 PM |
I may be able to forgive someone for cheating on me but I would never forget, which means the relationship is over. No matter what you will always have that thought in the back of your mind that they possibly could be cheating and there will be no trust. There is no relationship if there is no trust
when you replace trust with mistrust its like exchanging love for pain ..no go.. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 2:50:11 PM | nooooooooooo way... once a cheater, always a cheater..
cheating is like a drug... some people can stop, but most can't.. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 4:22:41 PM | | Had this happen to me , once. She couldnt give a reason, rational one anyway, for what she did. When an individual violates the trust of their husband ; wife; b/f ; g/f, whatever. It takes an awful strong individual to want to salvage the relationship. It will be tough. noone can answer that question, ' Is it worth it?" only you can. Nobody knows the reasons why or whatever it was done. Seek opinions but, find your own answers. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:42:19 PM | It happened to me and I forgave. HUGE mistake because he did it again. So no, I wouldn't forgive. If I ever had to experience that again, I'd strap a rocket to his azz and shoot him to the moon!!  | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:08:32 PM | Can I forgive? It depends how you define forgive.
Could I ever forget it happened? No.
Could I still love him? Yes.
Would I ever be able like, respect and admire him again? Maybe I could eventually.
Would I ever really trust him again? NO! Never! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:10:13 PM | | thinking there is no way to trust a cheater...and by doing the whole "Iwill try to forgive you and we will stay together "you are telling them that it is okay what they did...been there done that...They will stray again...and who knows you may too because after one strays kinda opens the door doesn't it | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:21:59 PM | | I can definely forgive them, it would just take a little time. It's not the end of the world or nothing. Would I ever date that person or have romantic feelings for them again? Sadly no, trust is gone, and won't come back. I've worked at night clubs and bars and have seen people cheat all the time, hiding their wedding rings, telling their significant other that they love them while their date is in the bathroom. All these deceptive things when all you gotta do is work at the love that you do have. It's really is hard to take a stab at monogamy, but if your in a committed relationship be mature enough to handle the responsibility. FTR I've never cheated EVER, too loyal for that silly stuff. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:24:57 PM | I can remember, when I was 14, my mother confessing to me that my father had cheated on her throughout the first years of their marriage and that the stress it had caused her to stay with him throughout all of that was the reason she was on so many pills (stress, anti-anxiety, and so on and is still on after 40 years of marriage to the same man).
I never understood why she'd stayed with him and, to this day, don't understand why she'd never divorced him. I certainly wouldn't have blamed her if she had, that's for sure, because I have the same philosophy as you when it comes to cheating: once a cheater, always a cheater.
I mean, sure, I would have never been born, but I wouldn't have been alive so what would I care, right?
She told me that he'd cheated on her since before the birth of my brother (the eldest of us all) until 2 years after I was born.
Now, my brother was 18 when I was born and, after doing some calculations, I came to the ugly conclusion that my father had cheated on my mother for 20 years. That's 20 out of the 40 years they've been married, that's half their marriage!
There were nights, my mother admits, where she'd stood over the bed while my Dad was asleep (after coming home from camp and drinking all weekend before going back to camp), thinking to herself how easy it would be to just kill him for all the grief she'd put her through with his cheating, drinking, partying, among other things, and that it was only the thought that if she did her children wouldn't have anyone left and go to welfare homes that stopped her.
And when I've asked her why, oh why, hadn't she ever left him I always get the same answer: "Because I refused to raise my children in a broken home."
Because of our mother, not our father, my brother, sister, and I all grew up in as normal an environment as my mother could make for us and now as adults all three of us lead successful lives.
Of course our dad eventually straightened up as he got wiser with age and is very ashamed of what he did in the past, which we're quick to remind him whenever he forgets.
I guess the moral of this long shpeel is that, after hearing about what my mother went through and speaking as a child who grew up in a home of a cheater, I'd never tolerate someone cheating on me. Not even once. I don't buy this "it was a mistake" BS because climbing into bed with someone when you're already in a relationship is a conscious decision, not a "mistake". And as such, the cheater should be held responsible for their actions and accountable. End of story. | |
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