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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:56:36 AM | If using a basic definition of forgiveness meaning to give up all resentment, that can be, sure. Not immediately of course, and how much time depends on the type of cheating and the relationship you've had with them.
If they were not truly sorry or incapable of having regret about it, I can't say that I could forgive on that basic level, although the resentment would wilter to a small degree and would only come to mind if I even ever saw said girl again. So BASICALLY, yes, but more time given... I think a lot of times when we say we "forgive" we basically mean "It's not baggage to me/bothers me anymore", when really, there is hidden threads of not-that-bad resentment that arises when you're around them.
If you're using the normal definition to grant someone a pardon and cease all debts, I would say no. That would require you to believe "that's not an emotional deal breaker." Unless you believe you deserved it (like, you cheated before), I think you'd be lying to yourself then. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:59:10 PM | | No, Naw, Oh HELL Naw, Not gonna do it, Nyet, Nope, Get lost, Take a hike, Go find yourself and then get lost, blrrrrt!, You've GOT to be kidding, Hold your breath, F*** you mate, So where do you want your things thrown out? ...and the horse you rode in on!!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:38:27 PM | You will have to decide.
If you feel YOU are Worth it.
Worth feeling loved
Worth feeling true
Worth feeling honored
Worth feeling trust
Worth feeling respected
Worth feeling safe
Worth feeling sure
Worth feeling complete
Worth being loyal to
Worth feeling Happy.
It is ONLY YOUR LIFE to decide.
Love yourself first, and you will know your worth.
The bottom line is, the person who is worth your tears will not make you cry.
Love is not deceitful. Never will be.  | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:33:44 PM | statistically, 75% of married men and 50% of married women cheat. Non married couples? They often just break up rather than cheat, but I imagine it still goes on a lot. Relationships are complex and most people can't control themselves very well. Some people need variety. Other's need freedom. In many cultures polygamy is normal. Historically, actually, committed fidelity is the aberation, not the norm. The key is to figure out what you need, but also how you put pressure on. It is not to say that the cheat is your fault, just that maybe he needs something from you that he gets, and needs other things you can't give, or he doesn't know how to ask for. All these things take years to figure out.
Finally, in asking, do you stay or do you move on, the question to really ask is, can you use this to develop greater intimacy and vulnerability between the two of you or is it just a matter of two rigid people whose usefulness to each other has come to an end? | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:38:23 PM | | When posting statistics, please list your credible source. Because we all know about statistics. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:40:39 PM | I am living proof that cheating doesn't mean the end of a relationship. I cheated on my then b/f, now husband and he caught me dead to rights. I confessed everything and we have been happily married for almost 10 years (we have been together for 17 years). You have to be a really strong person to forgive. He did say if I had lied, he would have left me. It was the fact that I told him the truth that we are still together today --- and the truth shall set you free.
We now have an open marriage and the most honest relationship I have ever had. Have the same deal with my FWB --- he knows if I see anyone new.
Might not work for everyone, but it did for me. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:51:24 PM | wow, i came into this one late in the game! just discovered the forums & have spent i dont know how long reading this thread! this has been a tough one for me. i was in what i thought was a forever-relationship, of course, ended up being cheated on. i forgave & on we went. then i found out that whenever he got ticked off at anything, or just got bored & wanted a little variety, he put up profiles on sites like pof (thats actually how i ended up discovering pof in the first place!)
so then came the question of exactly what is considered cheating? should i consider him cheating because he went on singles sites, looking for someone else, talking to women, taking them out to dinner or lunch.....beyond that i dont know if it went any further. it was always the same old story....every 6-8 months, i'd find him on some site, let him know he was busted & things would go back to ok for the time being. why i put up with it for so long, i dont know. but after 4 1/2 years, i said forget it & went my own way. now for the kicker, after almost a year apart, he started sending me messages, asking me if we could try again, make it work this time, etc, etc.....& yep, i thought he'd really learned something important during the time we were apart. YET.....he still has a profile on here & has started ignoring my calls or messages after only trying to do this for a couple of months. ive been going round & round for the past few weeks wondering if i was being stupid & gullible again.
like i said, i've read all 50-something pages of this thread & i'm sitting here thinking.....what was i thinking???? i could have avoided years of pain & tears if i had just walked the first time it happened & maybe even found someone amazing during those years. instead, i thought i could forgive & forget. i couldnt....i may have forgiven (too many times) but i never forgot, & learned the hard way, once a cheater, always a cheater!
next!!!  | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:38:38 PM | Ok, this is splitting hairs.
Forgive yes. Because when you are angry with someone, it really doesn't hurt the other person. It hurts you. Anger, hatred, fear, insecurities..these things eat away at hearts and leave scars.
So can you forgive someone for cheating, yes, and you owe it to yourself to forgive.
Now FORGET - ahh...now that is a differnt story. When you are in a relationship with someone you value, there is an assumption of honor. When someone performs action that is not honorable, well, actions say something. We are defined by the choices we make in our lives, yes?
I would not forget. And the love and esteem I hold for mysef would not allow me to take back a lover who was dishonest with me, and did not respect my trust once given.
think about it, and no matter which way you go..may the sun shine on you. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:02:17 PM | | You know the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater"....That was said by someone I'm sure that forgave their SOs cheating ways. And like a puppy dog/child/kitten if you allow bad behavior it will continue. IF he/she cheats on you ONE TIME, it's time to teach them a lesson and move on...chances are that he/she will not cheat again! There's always an exception to every rule and you can't teach an old dog new tricks but you can teach them right from wrong! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:53:35 PM | | why would you want to forgive someone for disrespecting you like that.... dont | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:54:02 PM |
Well, that's the whole thing. I don't mean to preach but you are still young. One day if your lucky you'll meet someone and in a sense you will be joined at the hip. You won't want to go out getting drunk without them. You won't want to go anywhere without them, nor they without you. You get invited somewhere and the first thought that comes to your mind is " can they come too ? " People in love don't cheat because they don't want to. There isn't anybody else they want to do it with. The whole idea of the other person cheating would actually be funny. You'd actually say, " You thought that person could do you better than me? " , and you'd laugh about it. And it'd be true. People in love are drawn together like gravity, like invisible strings. You wake up at midnight after great sex and it dawns on you that you have spent the whole day in that other persons company, without noticing it until just now. Between people in love. Cheating is totaly beside the point. Almost a rediculous idea.
SO WELL SAID AND SOOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:57:42 PM | | Can I forgive? Yes. I would like to think I'm a forgiving man. Can I ever trust again or stay in that relationship? Simply put, NO. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:20:26 PM | My experience in cheating and betrayal has been this.... (get ready for a long one)
My ex-boyfriend of 2 years had cheated on me and left me for another girl. I was not aware he had a new girlfriend. He was also telling me he wanted to get back together and so him and I were still "getting together" after it ended. Then I found out about this.... So... long story short... He was cheating on me with her....then cheating on her with me.... and neither of us realized it. It's hard to not forgive and forget because your heart is so involved and you can't imagine not having them in your life. I have never seen someone lie SO easily in my entire life and that hurt. In my case I refused to give him another chance when he asked me to get back together, and even though the transition to single life was hard to deal with I don't regret it for a second.
I also think that it's not impossible to make a mistake and change... I'm thinking... Steve from the Sex and the City movie... (lol....) But... for me I could never trust someone who did that to me unless they told me about it, told me everything...and didn't try to hide it. It's not so much the act that I couldn't forgive...it's the deceit.
Hope this helped. | |
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LolaCC
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Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 1415 | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:40:13 PM | as a single woman: no. there will never be an acceptable excuse for lying to me, betraying my trust, being disloyal, and wasting my time. if you decide to step out on me then stay there because you can't come back.
I also feel that men/women that forgive cheaters and take them back are usually showing the guy/girl 'hey it's okay! you know you can always come back if your sob story is good enough!' | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:41:53 PM | | This is an old post, but i want to add something in it. When i first started dating my ex, i didnt want to be his"girlfriend" tho we had a sexual relationship. I was married for over 18yrs and my husband had passed away. I never once cheated on him. I married younge and was ready to go out met people and have fun. So when i was with my ex i told him point blank i was just with him. He called it cheating. I didnt. When i was ready to be with just him, and we talked about it i never ever slept with another man again. We did get married, which yahhhhhhh he ended up in drugs and drinking which i ended the relationship. SO he in his mind thought i was "cheating' so i did stop once i just wantd to be with him and never did when we were married. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:47:01 PM | | Excuse my French, but...no f-ing way. I would not willingly subject myself to someone who would take away my comfort level, my sense of security and sense of attractiveness as a woman. My opinion of the cheater would change so drastically there's no way I could forgive and forget. I'd like to think we're not animals and have some control over our impulses. I can understand feeling tempted, but to actually go through with an act that could potentially crush someone's self esteem is the height of selfishness and I just don't think I could get past that. I haven't had this happen to me (that I know of), but it happened to someone who meant the world to me and I'll never forget the pain he went through. Still brings tears to my eyes to this day when I think of it. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 7:19:06 PM | Some old sayings are old because the have stood the test of time.
" FORGIVE & FORGET "
I have learned to forgive because it is essential to my mental, emotional and spiritual well being. The anger and animosity that comes with ' not forgiving ' tears at everything. It tears at everything from the inside out. It is like a cancer that will eat you alive from inside. Sometimes to the point where, for some, death is preferable.
It is preferable only because you believe the hurt of betrayal and abandonment will never go away.
I don't feel these things anymore, because I have learned to forgive.
" BUT DO NOT ASK ME TO FORGET !"
I need the reference of the things that have happened so that I am wise enough for it not to happen again.
Recently, someone I cared for very much did not honor her words. I don't think she knows that there were lies of omission ( lies non the less ) that I knew of. Maybe she did, maybe not.
Saying you will call someone and not calling, is one thing.
Being on line at that time you said you would call is another.
Telling someone the next day " I'm sorry I didn't call. I fell asleep."
Is a different animal and it is ugly and should be extinct ( the act not the person ).
So I said nothing and let it drift apart, then gave her the out that " We don't seam to be working out." She agreed, and so it goes.
But I too continue, because I can forgive...but I will not ....FORGET.
It is nice to have a choice. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/14/2009 10:55:47 AM |
I will never forgive if it is intetional.....why?
Cheating by its happening IS INTENTIONAL ! ! ! ! !
There are some other choice words I could pick to your response.
I don't think you would get it anyway. | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2009 5:26:30 PM | i've been cheated on before - by several women - and eventually forgiven them.
i've also been on the other side and have been the cheater. i hurt a really nice girl and have told myself from that point on that i would never cheat again.
it really sucks. no one should cheat. and it happens far more than anyone knows or realizes. look at ashleymadison, or even sites like womansavers, dontdatehimgirl, or cheaterzzz.com. people are scandalous!!! | |
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| Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2009 5:29:11 PM | | No. I don't cheat or even flirt with other men when I am in a relationship...I expect the same kind of commitment from my SO. If he wants someone else then that means he no longer wants me. | |
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