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 yep211
Joined: 7/6/2004
Msg: 101
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My Weight and My BoyfriendPage 5 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

exactly...CONTROL


honesty and good taste.

don't put meanings behind what i have to say. if a girl comes home looking like a scene from the lady marmalade music video, things need to be said.

oh and by the way, in this case, no, i'm not an ***hole for saying it.
 CuppyCakeBBW
Joined: 12/10/2005
Msg: 102
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 12:38:17 PM

honesty and good taste.

don't put meanings behind what i have to say. if a girl comes home looking like a scene from the lady marmalade music video, things need to be said.

oh and by the way, in this case, no, i'm not an ***hole for saying it.


agreed...but if SHE loved it....then I think it would suck to change it just cus her man told her to. Besides..you know I chose hair cut as an extreme example ...something easy to change and usually not much of an issue.

The main point is, when a man starts demanding change, it's a form of control and you don't want to start a patern of control. So while something may seem tiny and insignificant, it can lead to much worse down the line.
 yep211
Joined: 7/6/2004
Msg: 103
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 12:43:03 PM


agreed...but if SHE loved it....then I think it would suck to change it just cus her man told her to. Besides..you know I chose hair cut as an extreme example ...something easy to change and usually not much of an issue.

The main point is, when a man starts demanding change, it's a form of control and you don't want to start a patern of control. So while something may seem tiny and insignificant, it can lead to much worse down the line.


i think there's a huge difference between requesting change to fit your desires, and telling a girl to lose weight.

it also depends on how it's asked.

in the case of the dood asking this girl to lose weight i think he's,

1. a moron for not approaching it in a way that is tactfull and building of her self esteem.
2. a moron cause his girl is just fine.
3. a moron.

if her weight bothered him, he could take the following measures

1. dealt with it,
2. left her,
3. encouraged her to work out with him, not because he doesn't like the way she looks, but because he wants to spend time with her and work out to be healthy.

if he approached her less with selfish motivations and more looking out for her interests, she would not be on here complaining.

everyone in a relationship has a measure of control. it's how you use it, and in what light , positive? or negative?, building or tearing down that makes it right or wrong.
 travisty
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 104
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:41:24 PM
There are more diplomatic ways of dealing with concerns that a partner may have.
Sometimes though, a person's self esteem is the concern rather than the weight factor.

I think to be concerned about your partner's health is fine. Both have to be open and
not super sensitive about issues.

To not the have the time to look after oneself(M/F) because you're too busy is BS.

I find it a double standard how women do say that looks are very, very important and then when a guy brings it up, he's the bad one. Say the shoe was on the other foot. Most would say dump the guy, because she was not attracted to him. Seems ironic to me.

Although critism on his part is immature and not a great motivator or sense of concern for her feelings.
 -Horrible/Brazen-
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 105
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:49:08 PM
Pandora, I'm getting the distinct impression that you're just looking for attention. People are going out of their way to give you great advice and support, and you're not even taking it to heart.

I wash my hands of this, this thread sounds more and more like a twisted self-promotion thread the more I hear her justifying her boyfriend's behaviour.
 mortalez
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 106
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:50:32 PM
This reminds me of a radio talkshow in which a guy hide his invitation to his 10 years highschool reunion from his wife because his wife was the hottest girl at his school when they first started dating and when they got married , but has gained alot of weight since then and he wanted his old buddies to remember him as the guy who got the hot girl, so he didnt go.

He got roasted a new one when the girls started calling in .
he just sounded like an a$$ .
 Kaeto22
Joined: 10/6/2005
Msg: 107
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:55:01 PM
OMG WHA A COMPLETE MORON (your boyfriend) YOu are absolutely gorgeous. If only i had a girl that is close like you I would not even be on thes website but sadly that is not the case , anywho an a**h*** like him shouldn't even be with you can do better for sure
 mama tiger
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 108
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 2:59:50 PM
I knew of this one guy that weighet and measured his wifes food. He did'nt allow her to eat meat. He always berated her concerning her weight. He married her when she was fat though.
That is a true story
your only 20 years old
the quickest weight loss program I would suggest is dump the guy. How much does he weigh?
You got to realize that something is wrong with the man. Really you can do much better.
 tickle_me123
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 109
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:03:24 PM
Uh, mortalez, are you sure you weren't listening to Phil Hendrie? Because if you were, his show is a well performed spoof. That sure sounds like PH material.

 pandorarevealed
Joined: 1/9/2004
Msg: 110
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:05:58 PM

I find it a double standard how women do say that looks are very, very important and then when a guy brings it up, he's the bad one.


I've never once criticized his looks, so I really don't see that generalization applying here.


if her weight bothered him, he could take the following measures

1. dealt with it,
2. left her,
3. encouraged her to work out with him, not because he doesn't like the way she looks, but because he wants to spend time with her and work out to be healthy.


#3 really is how it should have turned out.. several of you have mentioned it, and it's true, he always does back out.

A any rate I'm feeling a lot better about the situation..I thought that he was being harsh, but I didn't realize what so many people pointed out: That even if I lose weight, he will find something else to belittle, and I honestly never thought that far ahead about it.. which is scary considering how much I was considering spending my life with this man.

I just want to thank you all, the support and advice has been amazing and so helpful. ANd especially to the girls who have shared their own experiences (caring blond and choklit) - that was a BIG help. And choklit, the possessiveness you described is SCARY because I never thought of it, but I can see it happening! He's already the jealous type to begin with. He claims he wants me to lose weight so he won't be judged by people, including his friends, but when we broke up before (we used to go out a while ago) his one friend asked me out. So I really don't think it's the issue, and maybe he really is trying to kill my confidence so I stay, yet he tells me he loves me after because he knows it will keep me around.

I'm seeing it clearer now, thanks for the support!
 pandorarevealed
Joined: 1/9/2004
Msg: 111
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:13:32 PM
Pandora, I'm getting the distinct impression that you're just looking for attention. People are going out of their way to give you great advice and support, and you're not even taking it to heart.

I wash my hands of this, this thread sounds more and more like a twisted self-promotion thread the more I hear her justifying her boyfriend's behaviour.


I appreciate your original help, but what the heck? How would this be a self promotion? Wtf?

Most of my responses were written last night, where I even called my boyfriend and came clear with him and told him flat out that I wouldn't tolerate it anymore. How am I not taking it to heart? Just because I haven't broken up with him in the snap of a finger does NOT mean I am not listening, and I am trying, so I really don't need the criticism.

Now I just got home from work and seeing things a little clearer since I'm not an emotional wreck today and suddenly people are implying that I'm trolling or trying to get attention. Well thanks to everyone for the genuine advice, and the personal emails some have sent as well, it's all really helped. And to those who don't believe me, you don't need to stay around - I appreciate your original advice and would prefer to leave it at that.

And FYI - I was not trying to justify it, I know what he did was wrong, I just didn't realize how wrong. I was trying to give more information, because part of me doesnt want to listen to the advice because I feel like you haven't been in my situation.. but apparently the answer is so obvious it doesn't matter. And again, the girls who actually shared their experiences really helped as well.. to know that they went through it, got out of it, and are better for it.
 mortalez
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 112
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:14:03 PM

Uh, mortalez, are you sure you weren't listening to Phil Hendrie? Because if you were, his show is a well performed spoof. That sure sounds like PH material.

nope , it was a local show lol . sad but true .
 tcky123
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 113
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 3:38:13 PM
how is it a show she just came for advice that it, girlfriend good for u you can do better.
 uniquegirl
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 114
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 5:18:38 PM
Obviously you need to get rid of this guy, its one thing for him to stand behind you if YOU wanted to loose weight, but for him to be rude and down right mean about it he doesn't deserve the right to tell you what to do, and he certainly doesn't deserve you...its as simple as that. I also know from exerience that if you don't get out now, in the future it will be very hard for you to find a decent guy cause your self esteem will be soo low that in your eyes you won't think you deserve a great guy, but rather a looser like this one. Do this for you, love your self and find someone that loves you as well.

Good Luck!
 GinNJuice75
Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 115
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 5:21:49 PM
i am sure its been said but never lose weight for someone else, only do it for yourself. i am sure you can find better out there that will love you for who you are already.
 suzy12280
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 116
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 6:32:45 PM
Ok so i was in this situation for about 3 seconds....
YOU are beautiful.. forget that smuck u will find someone who loves every inch of u ...

This is his loss....not yours...

If u want to lose weight for yourself then by all means get on it...if not then don't let anyone tell u what u should look like..
 suzy12280
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 117
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 6:58:32 PM
^^^^^^above


it is one thing to be honest but to continue to hurt on purpose is another.... your right if he doesn't want her then leave but ... that does not mean he deserves better... whats better?
 -Horrible/Brazen-
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 118
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 8:46:49 PM
I never said I didn't believe you, I just think you're using this thread to boost your self-esteem because your jerk of a boyfriend has chipped away at it for so long, because YOU HAVE LET HIM. I thought that last bit needed emphasizing in case you missed it the first time.

To me support doesn't mean holding your hand to coddle/enable you. It's saying what needs to be said because you're too wrapped up to see what's really going on. The guy is abusive and you're not going to leave him because if you had any self-esteem to begin with, you would have broken up with him, in yes, a snap of a finger.
 pandorarevealed
Joined: 1/9/2004
Msg: 119
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 9:21:23 PM
Brazen,

I am not here for a self esteem boost, and that was fairly rude to say. Just because some people gave compliments in their posts does not mean I asked for them, though I do appreciate them.

And my self confidence still exists enough to know that you are off the mark. My confidence in our relationship has gone downhill, but my confidence overall is just fine. Your calling this a sick self promotion disgusts me when I came here for the advice of people who's opinions read every day and shared such a personal problem. You can't possibly justify that comment as advice.

Of course no one here knows the whole relationship history, but there IS a thing called love and there's also a thing called working through your problems if you really care about the person. And we have worked through MANY problems in the past, and they haven't shown up again and he really has changed a lot for me. Now I see that maybe these problems are too big to try to resolve.. but damn, don't get pissed at me cause I didn't drop all the time I invested and all my love and all our years of history in a second just to take someone on the internet's advice. Now that I've seen enough people say it though, I'm realizing. Now get off my friggin case and go put down someone who deserves it, I'm done discussing it.

To everyone else, again I say thank you.
 klrbea
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 120
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 9:29:36 PM
Pandora, you are a beautiful woman who can do and deserve much better then this. It sounds like he is the one with the problem..sometimes people with their own insecurities do not/cannot accept others.
I can relate in some ways and am just thankful that I never let it get to this point with anyone...be strong and get rid of him. I am sure he would not be happy with you even if you were thin thin and he'd still put you down to make you feel insecure. He is controlling you!!!
Get rid of this jerk...kick his sorry ass right out the door as he does not deserve you.
He also has a thing or two to learn about love "unconditional love"
good luck and remember you are beautiful and do not need him or any man who does not make you feel & think so!!!!
 FireHorse1966
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 121
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 9:59:19 PM
Not sure if anyone else has had this problem, but maybe this may help you...

I have found that whenever I am unhappy in a relationship, or my job, or any other major crisis, I tend to gain wieght. And when things change for the better, I lose that wieght. It makes no difference as to how much or little I eat or what I do on my workout. It appears that my body reacts to unhappiness and stress in my life...

Could it be that maybe there is more wrong here than a boyfriend that cant handle the fact that you don't fit his image of the "perfect woman"? I can't see any reasonable man having a problem with the fact that someone's wieght is fluctuating, heck as we age very few of us are going to be as "hot" as we were back in the day LOL. IMHO I think you should just send him packing and find someone that appreciates you for who you are. He may be your first love, but I am sure that he wont be your last and there are much better than him out there...Good Luck!!
 FireHorse1966
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 122
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:11:21 PM
I not sure if anyone else has this proble, maybe this may help you....

I have found that when I am unhappy with aspects of my life, like a bad realationship, unhappy in my job, or any other crisis, I tend to put on weight. When the problems go away, I find that I tend to lose that wieght. It makes no difference as to what I eat how much or how much exercise I get, it never seems to be what am I eating, its more like whats eating me....

Maybe there is more wrong here than a boyfreind that cant handle the fact that you have a couple of extra pounds. You said that you have had some problems in the past, but a person can only have so many problems in a realtionship before it breaks down. He doesnt seem to be in tune with the fact that people do change physically with time, all people do. Hey none of us are going to be as "hot" as we used to be back in the day LOL. But if your guy is not treating you right its a pretty good bet that its over.

You say he is your first love, but I doubt that he will be your last. Send him away, take some time to heal yourself, and you will find that you will do much better than him and you will find a man that will apprecaite what you have to offer. Remeber, only you can make you happy!
 -Horrible/Brazen-
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 123
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:13:50 PM
I'm off the mark? Funny but you seem to be taking my observations pretty personal. If they didn't mean anything to you, you'd correct me and gloss over them. I'm not being rude, I'm telling you something you obviously don't want to hear. Frankly, when I find myself asking for advice on an internet forum from perfect strangers, there's something wrong with my relationship but of course, by even making this thread, I'm sure you knew that. But again, you're defending your boyfriend for mistreating you and *I'm* the bad guy?? lmao That's rich. Maybe you need to re-read this thread again so you can see what I'm trying to show you. Then again, you're in love and he can do no wrong. Whatever.

 catt37
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 124
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:28:11 PM
All I can say girl is KICK HIM TO THE CURB...He's not worth the time it took for you to post this forum. There are many other fishies in the sea and if he cannot accept you for who you are then you shouldn't accept him for what you want him to be. He's a jerk plain and simple ( and in the most polite way I can put it) He will ruin any self asteem that you have, your a beautiful girl, so what if all his exes were pretty and thin, they are exes aren't they...obviously babrie dolls don't work for him (sorry to any one about the barbie doll comment) thank you for letting me vent it just really pissed me off to read...I know the pain you must be in, you don't need that in your life....ok, I've vented enough

Good Luck,
Catt
 35goingon25
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 125
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 12/19/2005 10:39:31 PM
QUOTE: "My problem is he's very insensitive about it. He tells me to just starve myself if that's what it takes."

Everyone has a natural weight and it is generally healthier to not be overweight, BUT this statement makes it obvious he is more worried about HIS girlfriend than YOUR health. By that, I mean he is worried about your weight where it concerns him...HIS wants...HIS reputation....how people will perceive HIM. Who the hell in this world can someone depend on for support and help if they cant get it from their own partner!?!

I can't stress enough how important it is to separate yourself from this person. You will forever feel like you do right now if you do not. Im sorry, that's a hard thing to do, but you are young, attractive and have a chance for real happiness....don't cheat yourself out of it, by telling yourself stuff like, "he's the best Ive had", or "someone is better than no one".

Many people have different ideas of what the most important part of a relationship is. To me, it is RESPECT. Respect has a causel effect that makes things like honesty and trust just happen as a result of it. This bozo has no respect for YOU.

You know what you should do, you just may not want to. When you do, don't let him bullshit his way back, because when he realizes what he has lost, he will say anything to get you back.....be strong.
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