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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:21:33 PM | To understand going slow, lets take a look at going fast. A good friend of mine, went to his 20 year high school reunion in the summer of 2003. He met up with a woman he used to date back then. They had both been married and were divorced at the time of the reunion. They found a connection in that and decided rekindle their old love. Months went by and I rarely heard from my friend. Next thing I know he is sending me an invitation to his wedding which was in December 2003. I asked him if he was sure about this and he said he was, he was head over heels in love with this woman. About 3 months ago I got an email from him with his new phone number. He and this woman were getting divorced and when I talked to him he told me of how LITTLE he really know about her and all the problems that had surfaced in the marriage because he didn't take the time to really get to know her and the person she had become.
So my advice, go slow. Take your time to really get to know a person and their family and friends as well. Don't let the fear of being alone drive you to make bad decisions. If someone tells you they are in love with you after only a few meetings I'd think twice. If they start talking marriage after a few months, beware. Sure, it's flattering to hear that someone loves you and wants to marry you after only knowing you for a brief period of time but ask yourself this... why? Better yet, ask them that question. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:23:56 PM |
Well, mortalez, everybody is different. I don't work that way. I find that a lot of women grow on me and I become attracted to them over time, whereas on first meeting I just think "eh." As far as I can remember, I've always felt that way. I've missed out a few times when a woman I liked lost interest because I didn't come on strong enough right out of the gate, and I suppose I regret that a little, but I can't change the way I am.
I understand , it is called fear , in the words of morpheus "you must shed your fear of it " .
10 minute of conversation you know whether you click or not , and if it does not work out you will know very quickly , therefore no time is wasted (tommorrow is promised to no one) , and it sure beat wasting 4-5 months on something that goes nowhere , its better to know in a few days if it wont work out . | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:29:53 PM |
If they start talking marriage after a few months, beware. Sure, it's flattering to hear that someone loves you and wants to marry you after only knowing you for a brief period of time but ask yourself this... why? Better yet, ask them that question.
not always true though , some people know what they want when they see it , my parents were married 1-1/2 after meeting each other and they are going on 49 years together , and they are still affectionate (used to gross me out as a teen) . | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:38:56 PM | | mortalez, congrats to your parents. But in this day and age, I highly doubt that anyone getting married after only a few months of dating will be celebrating 50 yrs of marriage in the year 2055. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 12:06:19 AM |
mortalez, congrats to your parents. But in this day and age, I highly doubt that anyone getting married after only a few months of dating will be celebrating 50 yrs of marriage in the year 2055.
And what do you think is different between our parents generation and now ? | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 12:35:58 AM | @msg39
Makes the most sense of anything I've read in this thread. That way the only pressure one feels is on ones self. Like the old saying goes, 'Good things come to he/she who waits.' If both parties agree on the pace, then there shouldn't be any issues. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 12:46:58 AM |
I understand , it is called fear , in the words of morpheus "you must shed your fear of it " .
10 minute of conversation you know whether you click or not , and if it does not work out you will know very quickly , therefore no time is wasted (tommorrow is promised to no one) , and it sure beat wasting 4-5 months on something that goes nowhere
I must change because "Morpheus said so?" An imaginary character in a second-rate sci-fi flick? Nah.
I think the basic difference of opinion is that I don't see spending time with someone whose company I enjoy as "wasting time" just because it doesn't end in bed. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 1:36:37 AM |
I must change because "Morpheus said so?" An imaginary character in a second-rate sci-fi flick? Nah.
Ok now I know where you stand , second rate indeed ........
Besides it being the the best sci-fi franchise ever and a very well done example of the cyber punk genre , it is an supurb example of teaching lessions in causality , left vs right politics (note all the bad guys were plain and boring wearing suits and having names like smith , brown , johnson etc etc ....while the good guys were flashy and sleek ) showing the contrast between being in the box(locked in a pod) as opposed to being free . And the romance between neo and trinity was the imbodyment of perfect love , they wear stuck on a ship eating food that tasted like snot , wearing ragged clothes and it was cold all the time , but still they loved each other and never once did she ask him about his 401K .
I think the basic difference of opinion is that I don't see spending time with someone whose company I enjoy as "wasting time" just because it doesn't end in bed.
Who said anything about ending up in bed ? I was actually talking about a relationship being the goal .
To me moving with my heart mind and gut at a fast pace lets you find out about all the incompatabilities in a reasonable amount of time , and if you dont work out you know it quickly so you can move on.
I would hate to think i was wasting time with a dead end when my dreamgirl is walking right by me . | |
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CSUGuy
| | Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 62 | |
| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 1:41:28 AM | he told me of how LITTLE he really know about her and all the problems that had surfaced in the marriage because he didn't take the time to really get to know her and the person she had become
I hate to admit it, but I think that story is kind of laughable. It does demonstrate what kind of problems desperation can cause. What fools.
mortalez, congrats to your parents. But in this day and age, I highly doubt that anyone getting married after only a few months of dating will be celebrating 50 yrs of marriage in the year 2055.
I wouldn't discount it. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 2:51:11 AM | | I LOVE the comments made by lilkitten.......It is SOOOOOO true. Sorry but I have to say that people dont want to put in the effort and take things slow. But it is how it should be. | |
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CSUGuy
| | Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 64 | |
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Tinkle
| | Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 65 | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:19:46 AM |
(Msg 54) He and this woman were getting divorced and when I talked to him he told me of how LITTLE he really know about her and all the problems that had surfaced in the marriage because he didn't take the time to really get to know her and the person she had become.
After six months of dating they were married. Then problems surfaced. Did they live together before marriage? How many formal dates are equal to living together for one month or one week for that matter?
As Mortalez said, "Who said anything about ending up in bed?" The purpose of having the person stay at one's home is to see what the person is like on a daily basis. That is the tough thing to discover. Can two people live together.
Spending time doing fun things, just going on dates with someone, is not reality. Perhaps we meet someone but we don't completely click. There could be any number of idiocrasies that bother us but if we are enjoying a fine meal they seem much less important. Or going to a movie we have been anticipating.
People are in a good mood when going out and little things that would normally annoy us do not seem important. It's when we're involved in day to day living those things take on a life of their own. I don't consider learning about the person as rushing in to anything. No one has to give up their apartment or sell their home in order to give living together a trial run. I feel it saves a lot of heartache by finding out as much as one can about the person as quickly as one can. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:47:24 AM | How many times has someone had the "whirlwind" romance that in a few weeks or months fizzled down and they realized "I don't like this person."
Going slow is taking the time FIRST to get to know whether or not you like the person. In turn, it is more gentle on the emotions, because you're not jumping into sex and developing emotional ties and expectations.
This one took me a LONG time to learn, but there it is, and it is the most important lesson in love that I have learned, because DAMN, that whirlwind romance thing is such a rush.
(Such a misleading rush)..
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 7:33:03 AM |
(Msg 67) How many times has someone had the "whirlwind" romance that in a few weeks or months fizzled down and they realized "I don't like this person. Going slow is taking the time FIRST to get to know whether or not you like the person. "
Did you visit the person's home before you started the whirlwind romance? Perhaps rather than say "take it slow" one should say "hurry up and find out all you can about the person". Isn't that the idea?
If someone is in a hurry to have sex say, "Fine. I want to know who you are before we do that. I want to see you before you go to work. I want to be there when you come home. I want to be there in the evening to see who telephones you, what TV programs you watch, what you laugh at, when/how you clean your apartment...I want to see who you really are."
After all, that is what the situation is going to be if one starts a relationship and lives together. We will learn more by spending one week as a "visitor" than we will by dating for months and months. If the person is truly interested in the other they will not object to such an arrangement. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 10:14:33 AM | A few dates after I met my partner I was at her place and it was getting late. I was going to leave and she asked me to stay a bit longer. After a while I said,
For Gawd's sake, let's go to bed. It's late!" 
We didn't do anything. Just slept. Best ice breaker there is. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/25/2005 3:34:43 PM |
Sure, after you've gotten the "getting to know you" part down, evolution should be fast - like a light going on.
Then you miss out on the animalistic passion and once momentum is lost it can never come back atleast not to the same level .
So you have mised out on a great part of the relationship by skipping its natural stages . | |
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