| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 12:02:33 PM | | OK yes I agree we are both adults but that doesn't mean that I don't have problems with expressing myself sometimes. I like this guy, but I am afraid that if I am agressive towards him that he will back off. He is not as outgoing as most of the people I hang with. If it was one of my friends I would be comfortable enough to just say 'hey, I like you and would like to move this up a notch' but I just can't see myself doing this with him. I guess I should say I like him alot and that scares the beegeebees out of me. Here is the question ' If he hasn't made any physical advances towards me after seeing him for over a month, am I wasting my time?' Should I move on or let it ride a while longer. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 1:52:09 PM |
(Msg 126) OK yes I agree we are both adults but that doesn't mean that I don't have problems with expressing myself sometimes.
Ask him! If you leave and he's the shy type you've lost him for no good reason. Maybe he's thinking the same thing as you are. Maybe he's waiting for you to make a move.
I'll tell you a true story. My aunt passed away in 1993 at 87 years old. She never married. As my brother and I cleaned out her home we came across some old letters and a diary.
When she was around 25 she lived in Montreal. That was the beginning of the 1930s during the depression. A man used to come from NY city to visit her. He had his car and motorcycle sent up by train and he would fly up with his own plane! He would pick her up with his car or show up with his motorcycle and take her for rides.
My aunt was very good looking and very reserved/shy. In her diary she expresses how she felt about the man but couldn't bring herself to tell him. In those days ladies couldn't afford to take a chance, romance-wise. As my brother and I read the letters they exchanged along with the diary we saw a picture of a shy woman letting the love of her life slip through her hands. She lived alone and worked for the same company for 50 years.
What could have been? We'll never know but I do know that if anyone read those letters and diary they'd never hesitate to tell another how they felt about them.
If you tell him and he leaves it means he wasn't interested anyway. By your post I doubt anyone would consider you aggressive. Don't let him slip through your hands! | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 2:05:43 PM | | If someone told me they wanted to take it slowly, I would guess they had been truly hurt at least one time in their lives and lived in fear of being hurt again. This person I can do without because they can't see reality. Life=hurt---hurt goes away. Life goes on | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 10:20:57 PM | If someone told me they wanted to take it slowly, I would guess they had been truly hurt at least one time in their lives and lived in fear of being hurt again. This person I can do without because they can't see reality. Life=hurt---hurt goes away. Life goes on
"Life=hurt," unless ignorance is bliss. Some "hurt" does not go away. Also, life goes away too in the end. We should feel respect for the pain of others and show consideration for the different ability to experience life and thus its "hurt." The greater the vision, most often the greater the pain. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 11:10:17 PM | | I've read all the posts here and the one thing no one mentions is (and know a lotta of you don't wanna hear this)........the role God that plays in moving our relationships at the right pace. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/26/2006 11:18:59 PM | Once you boil it down to its root. It means she wants the power to greenlight every aspect of a relationship. Its great for her no comprimises on her part. If your into that then you'll be happy but other than that you may be on shaky ground.
harvey | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/27/2006 1:55:15 AM |
(Msg 130) I've read all the posts here and the one thing no one mentions is (and know a lotta of you don't wanna hear this)........the role God that plays in moving our relationships at the right pace.
Ohhhh? Hmmm, then I guess I've been amiss in thanking Him for some terrific one night stands in my youth. Maybe that's why they became fewer and fewer as I aged. He probably feels I was an ungrateful SOB. Thanks for the tip. | |
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kce33
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 133 | |
| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/27/2006 4:21:11 AM | ITS been my experience that going slow means no sleepovers and no sex.....nothing wrong with that.... whats nice about it is that you keep on talking and dating and just having fun without the drama... not a bad deal at all, it beats sitting home alone and doing nothing....
kce
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 1/27/2006 8:49:55 AM | Taking your time to build up a solid base of friendship, trust and respect. Allowing freedom of individuality (which should be there even with a "quick" moving relationship) and giving eachother enough space to enjoy the company of one another. Also, not saying "I love you" until all aspects of the elements are established. For some, it may or may not mean sexually, it just depends on the people involved.
~RF~ | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/2/2006 10:14:48 AM | | Going slowly and going backwards in a relationship is often confused. You know the relationship is in trouble when the other person switches gears from 5 to 2. Means they are not sure about themselves or about you. As long as it is a steady progress no matter what the agreed speed is, you are OK. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/4/2006 6:33:34 PM | Every life form on this planet , developes inate instincts for survival, without these instincts a species dies out(evidenced by the fact that only 1% of the species in our fossil record exist today), man being at the top of the food chain could not have gotten this far if not for said instinct(we were at the top of the food chain long before sociaty as we know it today formed), and it is interesting that women ask us to give up the very instincts that gave us a 3.5 million year run as head mammel in charge.
Nature gave us instincts for a reason, to go against those instincts is genetic suicide, our instincts tell us who to be attracted to(male=broad shoulders musculer frame shows strengh and ability to protect/female= curvy healthy body show most likely to produce and care for healthy children), they tell us how long to procide with said relationship and at what pace.
infact many of the things that kill relationships are traced to people going against their instincts.
example:
1.most divorce is over money issues(women spending more than their husband makes even though he makes enough to keep food on the table and a roof over head) note money does not appear in nature, natural instincts are based on survival, wanting more than that is simple greed (natural instinct makes us distrustful of greedy behavier)
and from a practical stand point I'd rather know someone is wrong for me in a week than in 4 months of wasting time barking up the wrong tree, I trust my instincts.
I'd rather find out sooner than later . | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/4/2006 6:37:08 PM | | Any relationship should only proceed at whatever pace both people are comfortable with. It's also something they should be talking about or be ABLE to talk about. Fast, slow, reverse, neutral as long as they're both comfortable with it, what else matters? | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/4/2006 6:47:02 PM |
(Msg 138) from a practical stand point I'd rather know someone is wrong for me in a week than in 4 months
It seems only logical. You may have noticed some posters saying things like, "It's the journey, not the destination" or "Dating is fun in itself".
I suppose it's similar to window shopping. So folks go to the store to buy what they need and leave. Others just like looking around. The reality is one can get to know someone, as much as such a thing is possible, in a short period of time by spending time with the person. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/4/2006 7:48:43 PM | | If he or she is not excited about the relationship early on...and making an effort to see their partner as much as possible...he or she is really not that into you. Move on. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 2/4/2006 11:34:59 PM | This is a very good thread. I don't have anything to add advice-wise really I just enjoyed reading it and getting some perspectives...
I see that I've tended to rush, or feel rushed and went with it. It's not like I don't understand the whole concept, some very sensible comments made by both men and women in this thread.
Something I need a bit of work on I suppose. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2006 5:56:18 PM | I was going to start another thread but felt my remarks would be more appropriate here and perhaps revive this one. A point to ponder on "going slow".
When we think about "courting" it was in the days before mass communication. There were only so many people in ones circle of acquaintances and if two people were attracted in the beginning they adjusted to each other. In many cases they had a reasonable expectation they would end up married. The excitement was in how it would progress.
Also, and this is the big thing, courting and dating involved young people and their lives were similar as far as their knowledge of the world was concerned. They had not experienced a lot of things so they didn't have a lot of different likes and dislikes. They were not complex individuals, so to say. What you see is what you get.
Today, people like to go slow as that's the excitement, the thrill, the anticipation. The problem is when we meet older people they are more complex. What that means is there is more to learn about a person who is 40 years old than there is about a person who's 20. That, coupled with the way we have grown, means there is a lot more for both parties to know.
I feel the solution is to spend as much time as possible together doing regular, everyday things. While it's not as romantic or exciting or thrilling as going slow it avoids becoming too attached to the person only to have ones expectations dashed. Simply put, the anticipation of the first kiss is a lot more exciting when one is 20 years old. This goes with everything a couple learns about each other.
I believe "we" search for that feeling again at the expense of getting our hearts broken. We want the anticipation to build so we go slow. We want to enjoy the journey, the ritual, the courtship. The problem is, unlike the old days, the chances of a relationship coming to fruition is considerably less whether it's because of "them" or "us" due to age, experiences, etc. This results in our dreams being shattered, our expectations being crushed, our hearts being broken.
Here's where we do the math. Let's say we date once a week for three months. Each date is 6 hours. That's 24 hours a month over three months gives us 72 hours. By then we will probably be considerably attached to the individual.
Let's say we spend 6 hours on a Saturday, 3 hours on a Tuesday and 3 hours on a Thursday. The length of time we know each other will be 6 weeks rather than 3 months which means we become less attached or "accustomed" to the person being in our life. The "mystery", for lack of a better word, is tempered by having seen them doing regular things in regular dress as opposed to seeing them looking distinguished and classy in impressive surroundings. Finally, we see the little quirks that everyday living exposes.
As I previously mentioned, in the old days, due to the limited number of potential mates, a courting couple would most likely end up marrying so courtship was sort of a "breaking in" period. It wasn't just to "get to know" the person. It was to become attached and accustomed to the person being in our lives. It was a slow and steady process.
Today, most relationships do not materialize but the same "go slow" approach is still used by many to the detriment of at least one party. Is it time to change? | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2006 6:45:25 PM |
I just started out in a relationship where we both agreed to go slow...
and take "baby steps" so to say.
But when the chemistry is overwhelming WHAM...you cannot get enough of each other...
so slow becomes a moot point.
shlow...smlow.........just follow your heart. I agree 100% with carribean king....I can start of slow but if the chemistry is there...just can't get enuff him... | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2006 6:56:56 PM | RE: Msg 144:
That's true but let's suppose a woman gets involved in a relationship. Eventually, her husband/live-in lover will be there. She may be doing laundry or some other chore on a Tuesday night while watching TV but the point is the two of them will be together even if they only exchange bits of conversation.
Maybe the guy can bring his lap top and do some work he brought home from the office while she is doing something else. I believe just the idea of being in the same room/house and getting a feel, figuratively speaking, for each other and establishing a comfort zone is what's important. Is she comfortable going around the house in sweats and having her hair down sort of thing. I feel that type of "getting to know" someone speeds up the process and one can determine their compatibility. Maybe the guy can make a coffee for them and they spend a few minutes talking.
It can all be done without the woman worrying about rushing things as it would be no different than having a house guest. They learn about each other without changing their lives and would be able to determine if that's the person they are interested in "playing house" with on a full time bases.
I don't see why two mature adults have to date like two teenagers unless that's what they want to do. If they are serious about a full time, permanent relationship they can use a different, more mature approach. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/8/2006 7:14:52 PM | dave,
i've done it fast, and if things don't work out, and you are living with this person....you move out; unless you're me and have no money, then you have to save up money for a new apt. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/9/2006 9:18:58 AM | It means you are going to foot the bill for a lot of very nice dates while she keeps a weather eye out for someone who she really wants.
This will typically be a bad boy type who will guaranteed a self-destructive relationship and who the woman you've been wining and dining and being "respectful of" will sleep with on the first date. | |
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| What is going slow in regards to a relationship?
Posted: 12/10/2006 3:49:18 PM | If *I* used the term "going slow" it would refer to the status, location, future and intensity of the relationship.
You can't control the feelings.
To *me*, going slow in terms of decisions for the future is prudent. I have 3 kids and am fairly recently out of my marriage.
I would "go slow" in terms of becoming exclusive. For me, that also means "going slow" for sex because I'm not having it if one or both of us are dating others.
Going slow means spending a lot of time together before discussing moving in together. I need to have seen "us" whether bad days, traffic stress, family stress, holidays, see how money is handled, discover our bedroom style, work out our communication style, and build a friendship in addition to the physical stuff.
Going slow means not involving his kids or mine until we are mutually sure we are interested in long term. | |
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