| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/1/2006 10:49:56 PM | Thankyou, thankyou thankyou,
I myself find that it is usaually harder for a woman alcoholic to find an open minded man who is not afraid she will drink again or that she will want him to stop poo to them all . I have not had a drink for numerous years (don't count them, didn't count the days & years I spent drunk) many men are also afraid to get to involved because she may start drinking because they rejected her LOL
people drink if they choose to no other reason & if one is serious about wanting a good healthy life they will not pick up again
alcoholism is a disease just as cancer is do you hear anyone putting people with cancewr down because they got it .One cannot control whether or not they are going to be an alcoholic anymore than someone can control whether or not they will get cancer.
also if someone feels the need to justify thier drinking they may want to find out why usually it is because they themselves have a problem.
someone who does not have a problem will not wonder if they do and will not feel guilty about drinking
In love & Honesty | |
|
| |
| |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/1/2006 11:03:42 PM | Again I thank you all who do know what alcoholism is really about !
Judge not lest ye be judged
in other words :do not judge someone in a way you yourself would not want to be judged
we are all humanbeings after all and we all come with our own set of \faults , problems, hang ups and shall we say deseases.
we should all really be grateful God Blesses us with the people who o love us
there are people in this world who are totaly, uterly alone, by themselves, with out love, friendship, companionship get the point !
If you feel the need to ask then just mabe you should do some real research :attend an open AA metting
we are good , honest, real, loveable , generous people who just happen to be cursed with the dreadful disease of alcoholism
it is no picnic to be dragged through the mud by an exterioir substance yet it does have a solution and many of us have absolutely no desire to return to such a horrid life nor do we return
In love & Honesty | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 3:14:16 AM | | i was a alcoholic for many years we all go through bad stuff some time in our lifes .my ex was the one to get me off it other wise i would of been dead doctors told me anyway i had been on the ale for 14 years ,i am lucky to be here i wanted to live again when i ment my ex . thats why i stoped it took time ,it was so hard i had to do it slowley over a year but i done it in the end .so you may be the one to keep him off the ale to ,so yes i would date a recovering alcoholic because i am one i understand why people turn to drink juls england xgood luck x | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 3:30:09 AM | The key word is Recovering as opposed to Dry.
I would date a recovering alcoholic, but if he is attending the meetings because the courts ordered him to, and/or to appease the wife or girl friend until he gets her off his back long enough to sneak a few drinks, then it's good-bye to him.
Been there; done that.
I have been a recovering alcoholic for several years now, and I was married to a still active alcoholic (one of the unfortunate ones) for over 20. The games people play to keep on drinking!
However, I would not date a recovering alcoholic who has less than a year of sobiety. No way! No Siree!
A serious recovering alcoholic who is really working the Twelve Steps. You bet! Hmmm I wonder if he'd date me!  | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 4:01:55 AM | Amen been there done that (dating someone under a year clean , Sober)
What a disaster went back out & of course blamed me , most alcoholics are good for that if we are honest anyway.
Guess it could be worse at least I learned something from it
they say the only bad experience is the one you learn nothing from
Congrats on 20 yrs
but for the grace of God go I | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 4:03:29 AM | God Blesses us all honey a year is not bad some take much longer & many relapses
be thankful you were spared anymore pain & torture
One day at a time | |
|
Ooli
|
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 84 | |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 5:08:16 AM | I'm shocked at the misinformation about alcoholism and recovery being touted as fact here. Alcoholics with a genuine desire for recovery and a willingness to do what it takes to stay sober and grow in sobriety will do just that. Some of the most well adjusted, thoughtful, loving people that I know are in recovery. They take responsibility for their issues, and expect the people in their lives to do the same.
Of course, I also have met some extremely unhappy and sick people in recovery. Of course, most of those were in Alanon. lol Sorry, my bad. That was a joke. I've met several from AA, as well. Some are sicker than others. It's the same with any slice of society.
It's just that I've found that co-dependents tend to be in a constant state of emotional relapse. (For simplicity's sake, when I refer to a co-dependent, I refer to someone who has an addiction to the alcoholic.) It's not as easy to identify their disease, because the symptoms aren't as obvious. When an alcoholic relapses and gets drunk, it's pretty obvious what's happened. When a co-dependent suffers a relapse, they look OK on the outside but are in absolute mental chaos on the inside.
Anyhow, I digress. What I'm trying to say is that it takes two people to have a sick relationship. You can't blame it on the alcoholic alone. That's a one sided, blame and shame game. And it's crap!
There is a simple truth that applies here, that applies to all relationships. Water rises to its own level. Healthy recovering addicts/alcoholics attract and get involved with healthy partners. Sick alcoholics attract sick co-dependents. Now this might sound like so much gobbly gook, but it's true gobbly gook. lol
I have been continously clean, sober, healthy and happy...for almost 11 years now. I have dated active alcoholics and dry drunks in my time. I will never do that again. I have also dated active co-dependents and I would never do that again. But, I would most definitely date and marry a man who was growing in recovery, and committed to that journey, be it from co-dependency or addiction. Of course, I wouldn't get romantically involved with an addict until he had approximately 18 months of continuous sobriety under his belt and seemed to be living life well. And, I would make sure that I was in a position to tend to my own needs and secure enough in myself to allow him the space to do the same.
I recommend anyone considering getting involved with an alcoholic, to go to six "open to the public" AA meetings and six Alanon meetings. Ask lots of questions. Be honest about what you think you can deal with. Good luck. | |
|
Ooli
|
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 85 | |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/2/2006 5:27:40 AM | | Hope I haven't offended any Alanoners. The long timers will understand what I am saying. And, I should point out that I do have chairs reserved for me at both fellowships. lol Peace. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/8/2006 1:55:52 PM | I see a lot of posts here, and everyone seems to be speaking in very general terms. People are throwing out all kinds of disputed recovery related statistics, and adding personal experiences as if numbers and anecdotes could somehow prove their point. So, here's my take. Look at a person as an individual. If AA has a 95% failure rate, the person you're looking at may be the 1 in 20 who actually makes it. So, how long ago did they get with the program? How many times have they failed? When was the last failure? Why are they failing, and how are they responding to those failures? How much risk are *you* comfortable taking in a relationship? Will you have to appreciably change your lifestyle to accomodate their addiction? What do you lose if things go south? Are there kids involved? Why is this beginning to sound like the end of an episode of Batman?
The bottom line is this, each relationship needs be be judged individually, and not through the lens of some prior interaction. Get a sense of who this person was, is, and is becoming. Figure out if you can deal with that, warts and all, and make your decision from there.
My $0.02, for what it's worth :) | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/8/2006 5:48:33 PM | Heck ya I'd date a person involved in AA. I have too.
People involved with the AA program do bring a very special bit of flavor with them that others dont, and yes..they do have special needs of support.
Right now you are dating, it's not that big a deal. However, if you get to that special "let's be exclusive" conversation - you do have some contemplation of your own to do. From my experiences and life, as hindsight is 20/20 and all, the things I wished I'd prepared myself for are:
My time. Yep, in love with one of these creatures means going to Al Anon. You are going to add a commitment in your life to share this part of their world. Or choose not to. Your partner may require someone working on issues from AA from a deeper view and understanding of how it works, the theories, the special slang to holding their hand at night or giving them space to work out things in their head.
Social situations are a problem sometimes with someone in AA. There's no getting around this really. Make a pact on how you are going to deal with it long before it happens.
Sponsors and the pack and levels of recovery in AA are all over the map. Don't get me wrong, I believe and have seen some of the healthiest people in the world in AA. I've also seen some of the worst situations. Be prepared for cutting some room in your partners life should they decide some day to sponsor someone who is weaker than them. Be prepared for 4 a.m. phone calls and putting on your clothes when you'd really rather keep them off. It's very natural to feel anger and jealousy at times like this. It's a bitterness really.
As stupid as it sounds, you two make a DATE at regular intervals to talk about nothing but AA and how you feel about things in general related to the program and people. Honesty and neutrality are two really good skills to have during this hour or time. Don't be afraid to appear ugly and petty about things. It's only human.
Accept moods of extreme with a partner in AA. These are some very deep people. Don't take it personal if they leave before a meeting and come back with some weird tension or emotion all over them.
It's very easy for a partner to someone in AA to want to bail one second and support the next. Overall, if I had to choose - I'd go with someone actively sober and pushing their inner limits each day. It's a beautiful journey with someone - and yes, it's lifetime.
My final brief thought on AA members as dates: they are fabulous friends even if it ends. | |
|
tom175
|
Joined: 12/23/2005
Msg: 88 | |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 1/8/2006 6:26:34 PM | Well, yes I would but if they where totally clean and not just sober Some AA think its OK the smoke pot or doctor shop for pills to keep then in active addiction and not grow. I been clean for 24 years in NA and most react to it as an asset rather than a liability but I understand some who don't as I will run from someone that is bipolar. I know those that can have a healthy life while on there meds but I am battle worn from 5 years of that hell. I have dated non afflicted women who do drink and I fine with it as long as I am not picking them off the floor on a date. I can see compulsive drinking right off. I keep my anonymity for many reasons and never feel its something I have to hide. I just dont wear it as a badge of honor either. My 24 years and $1.79 gets me a cup of Dunkin Dounuts coffee.
Time does heal all things. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 10:02:27 AM | | no offense ladies, but an alcoholic in recovery can never drink again, ever. aa doesn't create "social drinkers" 'cause if you've got the addiction there's no such thing. your dudes might have "handled" it so far, but they'll end up drunk, dead or in jail for having run over some family while dui inevitably. have any of you studied the disease or the program? read a copy of the big book and wake up. i'd date a guy in recovery if he'd changed his character through working the 12 steps daily. anything less is not sobriety. my poor best friend is the only sober person in her family and is in alanon also now that her mom & aunt are volatile 2 yr. olds who drink gallons of booze a day, her sister's become a carbon copy of her dead father and ex bf, who's advanced stages of alcoholism mimic, and or often misdiagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia. turns out her ex really does have the mental illness 'cause after 9 yrs. sober his symptoms are worse off the meds. roughly 86% of people who use addictions to self-medicate have some mental illness that needs proper treatment also. good luck with educating yourselves. it will come in handy, trust me. ps. right on Ooli, you rock. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 10:12:10 AM | | Yes, I would and have dated a recovering alcoholic. I've also had some exposure to 12 step programs from friends.....I think it is an outline for life. Not just to deal with an addiction. It is self exploration and makes you ask yourself some great questions at the end of each day. These people are usually very deep and know themselves quite well after having gone through the 12 steps. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 12:08:23 PM | Hello I am a recoverying alky, I have 15 years of soberity, I didn't read all these post but quite a few I first off want to thank the people that would or even if you wouldn't date but admire a recovering alcoholic. There is alot of misconseptions about alcoholics. I really debated on putting anything in my profile about it, but figured honesty is best and it is part of who I am.
I personally think if they are serious and work the program go for it, as for drinking again. I tell anyone I even come close to having a relationship with if you see me drinking just leave and don't look back. So no if your dating one and he is a true alcoholic he will never be able to drink with you. But that doesn't mean he can't be around alcohol, I go to bars to see a good band or whatever alot. I don't go to bars to go to a bar but if there is another reason to be there they don't bug me a bit.
One person said something about being dysfunctional, yes we are. A saying we have is alcohol is but a symptom of our desease, what that means is there is alot more to it then just not drinking, in fact some us laughingly joke that most normies (what we call you non alkys) are more dysfunctional then we are.
And yes there is a spiritual side of our program. But quite honestily I see more fantics in a church then I do in our program, yes there are exceptions! I for one don't go to church, and I listen to all kinda of music some my favorites are like Iron Maiden, Savatage and Black Sabbath not music in most relgious peoples cd collections. I personally do not like Bible thumping , whoolier then thou people.
Another guy said there is like a 95% success rate, I don't know what the numbers are but I will tell you one thing it is very low, mostily because we don't push anyone they have to do it for themselves and it isn't easy, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So yes be careful, don't jump into a relationship with us, but I don't think you should jump into a relationship with anyone. I never even attempted a relationship for two years when I first quit drinking.
Now alot of people say 15 years I should be done. No like the lady said it's a way of life a lifelong journey. I contiune to look at myself, I hang around with other people that will tell me the honest truth if I want to hear it or not. I also work with other people trying to sober up.
I'll tell you something else, if they are serious in their program, you will probebily find a very honest, open minded, selfless and humble person, who insists on having fun. I did not quit drinking to be a stick in the mud, I quit drinking to live life to it's fullest and by george I try. I have danced more sober then I ever did drunk, I have traveled more, and accomplished more then I ever did drunk. I have been to alot of concerts, I cant say more but I can say I actually remember them. There is a smile on my face not a scoure, I love life, I'm not just trying to get thru it anymore. I walk by people on the streets and they smile at me instead of trying to get to the other side of the street.
Well I have probebily blown any chance of getting a date on here but if it helps anybody it was worth it!!! And by the way this is one topic I will talk to anyone about anytime!!! Have fun people!!! | |
|
toyoux
|
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 92 | |
| |
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:25:15 PM | Well said Ooli, I'm a "double winner" too. :)
The key here, is as others have said, the amount of time he has been sober. If it's under a year or two, he has no business dating and is still under the throes of alcoholism, dry or not. I personally would not get involved, no way. I've spent a lot of time with people in various stages of recovery too, have close friends with several years of sobriety. I've also spent a lot of time with people who are newly sober - and since they don't even know who they are , it would make more sense for them to form a relationship with themselves before becoming involved with others. Active alcoholics are selfish takers - to me a balanced relationship means equal giving and taking.
And no, he won't be able to join you for a drink occasionally once he has it licked. There's no cure. However, lots of alcoholics recover to the point where having alcohol around them in a social setting is no problem at all. It usually takes a few years of working an honest program to get there though. I don't generally have alcohol in my home at all, but have purchased it for Christmas gifts, and dinner guests. I don't make a habit of it though. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 2:58:22 PM | People drink for many reasons. Yes some are addicted to alcohol. However some fall into drinking patterns because of overwhelming events that happen in their lives. It could be a divorce after a long marriage, a loss of a child or love one, loss of employment or any other serous event. The question isn’t so much if they are a recovering alcoholic as much as a change of life stile. As people grow older many have a desire to change their life stile. Just because a person seeks out A.A. to help them in this change should not be an anvil that they are forced to wear around their neck for the rest of their lives. If you met a very fit individual who’s physic made you drool then seen a pic when they were 100 pounds over weight would you not date them for fear they would get heavy again.
From what I know of A.A. it not only helps you stop drinking but tries to show you a different way of life. Also A.A. is not a religion and not every one who goes there becomes a fanatic. Most who are successful take from it what they need, to change their life.
Now I am not saying every one who goes to A.A. is successful; however if a person has been sober for a number of years or even has the occasional slip (note I said occasional) maybe we as a society should give them a break.
As for feeling guilty for having a drink while with them; don’t. They most likely would feel far guiltier if they felt you were not having a drink just because you are with them.
How long does a person have to be sober before they are trusted again??? | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 3:02:31 PM | | I HAVE AND i NEVER JUDGE A MAN.. BUT THE FIRST TIME HE MESSES UP.. HE IS OUT.. NO JOKING.. IF A MAN CAN NOT KEEP HIS WORD.. THEN HE ONLY LETS DOWN HIMSELF. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 3:07:20 PM | if he is into u he should of told u that he was taking the course
a lack of communication makes relationships fail 
if he couldn't tell u start out .....u had to listen to clues...makes u wonder what else is hiding behind those doors........tread carefully.....good luck | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 4:32:47 PM | RUN RUN RUN
A phone call one day from your mother that your significant other is in the hospital in a coma from a motorcycle accident resulting from alcohol and you thought he was clean will come. Then comes the rehab, the rehab, the rehab, the family issues, you aren't good enough for my son...crap. Run as fast as you can. It gets worse.
JMO
sb | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 6:42:49 PM | Once again I ask how long a man or woman has to be sober before you will give them a chance
just tell me 1 year 10 yrs 20 yrs when????????? | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 6/13/2006 7:08:49 PM | I personally think it depends on the person, and much he/she gets into the program, in the program they usually say stay out of relationships for a year.
It's kinda funny now but when I hit a year, my sponser was out of town, so I brought it up at the group, I said "I made my year now I can have a relationship right?" Have you ever had 100 people hollar no at you at the same time. LoL And they were right I wasn't ready for a relationship at that time. I needed to work on me, at a year I was still a sick puppy, I didn't drink but I hadn't worked through the things that caused me to drink.
But there is so many varables, the safe answer would be a year or so. And this isn't nothing more then relationships take work, working a program to stay sober takes alot of work, and it is felt that they need that time to work on themselves. | |
|
| Would you date a recovering alcoholic?
Posted: 7/22/2006 9:59:30 PM | I agree with bestfish_in the sea. I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have struggled with booze for a long time. Just because I have an addiction does make me or"us" a evil people. AA has literally saved my liFe. I am an acute chronic alcoholic (look it up) so ladies thanks for giving us "drunks" a break you are the best. My name is Danny and I'm a recovering alcohlic  | |
|
Home
login 
Thanks for the post!